Update and Happy Ending!: Guerilla Reciprocity -- Sibling Issue (long!)

[sste]

Update: Dear Sister came through at the 11th hour and booked a last minute ticket last week! She came for four days - - DC#2 has not arrived and is now overdue but my DS was home all week for his preschool vacation and I needed prep help too. While I still think Dear Sister tends to be very needy and self-focused . . . I do see more the points that posters made about her severe anxiety getting in the way of normal life activities and also kind of shaping her into constant care-recipient mode. She ended up switching jobs over the summer and that especially put her in an emotional tailspin way, way beyond what is typical. Yet, this visit (unprecedentedly) she rose to the occasion and was amazing with DS - - nothing like previous visits, maybe b/c DS is older and more interactive. He was glued to her for the entire visit and cried himself to sleep after we dropped her at the airport. And she seemed really happy too about developing a relationship with DS and said she is going to mail me her new school schedule as she wants to vacation with DS/us this year because she is going to miss him so much. :)

Thanks posters for talking me off the ledge of more extreme action! I don't tend to see much nuance, especially when I get worked up, and this is (another) lesson to me that people and relationships are not as black and white as I see them.
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Well, I always count on you guys to rein me in and I think I may have been a little too, uh, assertive here!

Background is that my sister, who is a few years younger than me, has many good qualities but tends to be used to receiving rather than giving help. Over the years, DH and I have given her I would guess at least 5k for various trips and programs and air tickets, I have spent hours working with her on applications, interviews, helped her with dozens of essays and papers, helped her hunt for her first apartment, helped her to set up financial accounts, etc. And this is for a grown woman!

When DS was born my mother, who is on dialysis, did not come out because she has decided she can no longer travel and my dad is her caregiver. My sister said she couldn't fly out for my baby shower but she would come when the baby was first born and then when that happened she said since I was flying out anyway two months later there was no point in her coming. I was devastated not having any family, not one, there with the new baby and associate it with a very difficult post-partume time. When sister and I were talking about it I actually started to cry, which has not happened many times in my life in front of my sister. Sister said "it wasn't clear . . . I hadn't communicated."

This time we started asking her early about coming out for a week and how much we want her to be there and need her help. She emailed that she would love to but she has teacher training prior to the start of school. That seemed odd to me as we were talking about the last week or two in August.

So, I looked up her elementary school teacher training schedule on the internet and emailed her the pdf with the subject heading "Good News! Teacher training starts later than you thought." And indeed for returning teachers it did start the week after I had asked her to come out. I also added in my email that she was welcome to come the week prior and if the new baby hadn't arrived she could help out with DS and spend some time with us.

I haven't heard back from her in four days and she checks email daily. Not quite sure what to do at this point except wait her out . . . but I do NOT think our relationship is going to be the same if she does not make it here when the new baby is born.

Am I expecting too much? I am just finding it impossible to accept that someone could take so much help over the years and then leave me completely hanging in one of the (rare, practically unheard of!) occasions when *I* need *her.*

[pinkmomagain]

So sorry you are so hurt by your sister's behavior. I have a sister and would also be hurt if she behaved in a similar way.

Have you been very upfront with her and exressed how you really need her help at this particular time and you have helped her on numerous occassions (listing specifics) and you are now counting on her help and would feel very hurt if she didn't come? And that if she chooses not to come, then it will likely change the nature of your relationship?

I personally would not have looked up her schedule and then forwarded it to her. I don't know why that makes me a bit uncomfortable. But maybe I'm just kooky that way.

We have a few "takers" in our family who are very comfortable asking/receiving assistance but never reciprocate. It s*cks.

[HIU8]

Don't know if I am much help as I have a sister who constantly needs help. She always has and always will. I'm so used to giving her help at this point. I, however, know that if I were lying in a ditch and needed help, my sister would step right over me and keep going. I have come to accept that (I still give her help b/c I promised my mother). Having said that, the relationship I have with my sister is not very good. I still help her though, b/c now DN is involved (it's not her fault her mother can't do very much on her own).

[sste]

Have you been very upfront with her and exressed how you really need her help at this particular time and you have helped her on numerous occassions (listing specifics) and you are now counting on her help and would feel very hurt if she didn't come? And that if she chooses not to come, then it will likely change the nature of your relationship?.


I actually think I have. Maybe not all of those items in one conversation but all of those items have been expressed. The only one I can think of is that I have not told her that not coming out for the new baby will change the nature of our relationship but when she still hadn't come out to see DS and he was almost two years old, I did tell her precisely that. I have been worried that while looking up the schedule was - - I agree with you! - - pretty aggressive that telling her I relationship would be forever altered may be even stronger pressure/coercion. Though you are right it is the truth. Not sure how one is supposed to handle something like this?!

ETA: I think that part of the reason I am being such a "guerilla" emailing her the schedule is that sister (and for that matter my in-laws) at heart don't want to exert themselves to help us but they always claim I "haven't communicated." And it really feels to me at this point that they are LYING and it affords them an easy out. I am a highly verbal and reasonably articulate person. I have communicated with them our need for help verbally, I have sent them emails asking for help, I have broken down crying in front of them!! This is one of those times I feel like the Age of Therapy (which I generally support) has been manipulated to afford lazy individuals a way to blame the victim!

[arivecchi]

I think you have done all you can at this point. If she does not respond, I guess you will then know that she is definitely a taker and will not inconvenience herself to help you out. I agree that sending her schedule was a bit pushy, but I also dislike that she was fibbing. All you can do is be honest about your feelings and she has to deal with the repercussions. I do not think you are being unreasonable at all for asking for help for 1 week when you have helped her out so much. Furthermore, she should want to help you and hang out with you and your DS. You should not even have to ask. My mom is like this and it really annoys me. You have to send her a written "invite" if you need her help.

[KHF]

I do not think you are expecting too much; however, I think this will, once and for all, show you if she is just a taker. It sounds like that may be the case. She will host you when you take the time to fly out there, but she is not willing to reciprocate.

Providing she is financially able to pay for flights, etc., it sounds like she may just not be willing to make time to do so. Looking at it from a slightly more positive view...maybe the beginning of school is just very hectic? Though, from her past behavior, that may just be another excuse.

One of my brothers used to live on his own planet...the world revolved around him. If we wanted to join him in his orbit, that was fine...however, he wouldn't step outside his world to join us in ours. Thankfully, he changed a lot when his first child was born and became much more family friendly. So maybe there is hope for your sister...

[marge234]

What a DRAG. Sounds like your sister views people helping her as the natural order of things.

I've not had any close friends/family but have worked with people like this. Younger people who haven't learned that they are grown ups and supposed to take care of themselves. They think nothing of getting rides, letting others pick up lunch, taking favors and it doesn't occur to them to reciprocate. They don't seem to know any better, everyone older--and 30 is still old to them--is a parent figure. And then they complain about not being taken seriously in the workplace. Some of them grow up, become good colleagues, others get frustrated and move on.

I'm digressing here. I'm just wondering if your sister is in that post-college hasn't quite figured out what it means to be an adult stage or if she's just a taker.

Of course most people do not have ANY IDEA how tough it is to adjust to a new baby until they have one themselves. Still. You've been really clear that you need her.

If you talk to her again about it you might be sure to acknowledge/repeat that you you know she's busy. You're not assuming that just because she doesn't have her own family that it's a piece of cake for her to come help you. You appreciate that it'd be a sacrifice. She has her own life and plans, you get that. You wouldn't be asking if you didn't really need her.

Whether to spell out that her not coming will change how you feel about her is a tough call. I don't know what to say about that one.

[sste]

I realized it may not be clear from my post . . . but Dear Sister is 33!! Though I think in some ways she IS still in that post-college its all about me mentality.

The most crushing part of it to me is that she used to fly out at least once per year . . . back in the days when we could run her all over the city, treat her to concerts and nice dinners out and basically fill the role of vacation gala weekend! When I write that it it sounds worse than she is . . . it wasn't just the material aspects of those former weekends it was also dh and I spending our time and mental energy focusing on her. And obviously that changes with babies in the picture.

As for her schedule, I think the start of school is hectic and she has alot of anxiety about it each year. But, she has had the summer in significant part "off" - - she teaches summer school part-time. I would be more reluctant to ask a sibling who only had two weeks vacation or somesuch.

[larig]

Sounds sucky that she hasn't been there for you. If it makes you feel better, I have to say, as a former teacher, I would really not want to be anywhere but in my classroom before school starts. I always went in at least a week before we started school and before they had teacher in-service days, etc. It takes a lot to get a classroom ready, especially elementary school rooms (they have way more stuff than I did as a h.s. math teacher).

ETA: to be clear, I went a week (at least) BEFORE any meetings we had. There are always huge lines for access to copiers, books to get out of our central storage, bulletin boards to put up, ...the copying alone forced me to be a school for a good amount of time. Everyone wants to use them and they always break the first week of school, so I made sure I had mine done! Besides hard to get stuff done when you're in meetings, so that week of meetings that she has would not be sufficient for her to get organized.

[egoldber]

I do think that the prep ahead of time for a teacher is significant, and even if you found the schedule on-line, that may not reflect her timeline for what she needs to do to get her room ready.

But I really, really get your feelings. My family is like this. They have NEVER been there for me. Ever. Not even when our child died. Not one person from my side of the family made the effort to come to her memorial service, including my one sibling who has the means and coping skills to do so. I really don't think I will ever forgive them, or ever forget it. I don't dwell on it, but I just cannot be close to that person again.

I have learned over time that my family will never be the family I wish they were and it does make me very sad. But at the same time, expecting things from them that they are not capable of giving is only going to make things worse for me. :(

[traciann]

Um. Sorry, I think looking up her schedule and emailing it to her kinda crossed the line. If I was her I would not be happy and can understand her silence. She is a teacher and there is a ton of prep work that goes into getting ready for school...not just attending teacher training. There is no way would I be going to help family, no matter how much I really wanted to. Teaching summer school isn't having the summer "off", so please give her some grace.

For what it is worth, I know how hard it can be to have no one around to help you. My MIL died two days after dd2 was born and dh had to travel to take care of the arrangements and was gone for 5 days. I was alone, but it really wasn's as difficult as it had been the first time around. I would just prepare for your first child. Have new toys/books /dvd for the times you need distraction and stock up on food items. Really for me that was the hardest part...the newborn was easy.

[niccig]

I would line up a post partum doula or a babysitter - someone that can help you. It doesn't sound like your sister will be coming out to help. I'm sorry you don't have any family that can step up to help out. How about DH's family, anyone on that side? If not, then I would pay someone for the week - what you need is help, and if it's not freely given, then I pay for it. I too don't have family anywhere near me.

[wencit]

My younger sister sounds similar to yours, and while I love her dearly, one of the reasons we've grown further apart as adults is because she can be so self-involved. I cried many tears over this in anguish, but eventually I came to terms with the fact that I can not change who she is and have come to lower my expectations as a result. I'm really sorry you're going through this and can totally empathize with your situation. I do think you're going to need to hire someone to help you out, rather than count on your sister. I'm so sorry. It sucks when anyone disappoints you, but it hurts even worse when it's your own sibling.

[sste]

Do you all think prep is different for specialist teachers? She is a reading specialist and one of the negatives of her school situation is she actually does not have a room to set up! She floats. School does not start until after Labor Day and I told her she could come the third or fourth week in August (the first week in september is the training). Or even the second week.

Is part-time summer school for 4-6 weeks really not at least semi-off? I am not trying to be disrespectful of her work but I teach too though at the college level - - I have my research commitments I view the summer as VERY flexible and not the same as my academic year schedule. I would not hesitate to take a five or six days to help out a relative in this situation even if I didn't leave me a full twenty days or such in advance to meditate on my upcoming responsibilities! Sorry, a little bitter here . . . with her there is never a good time and I am a little perplexed as to why someone would go into teaching only to say they can't visit/help all academic year AND all summer. And let me be clear she is not Stand and Deliver -- she likes kids and wanted a good lifestyle job.

We are hiring doulas and nannies galore . . . I am in the hope for the best, prepare for the worst mindset.

[egoldber]

Honestly, I think you are way more pulled together and with it than the vast majority of even most high functioning people. Truly. :) I wish I were as disciplined as you.

[cvanbrunt]

It sounds to me that you are expecting your sister to be someone she is not. You have asked and made your wishes clear. That is all you can do. I'm not surpised she hasn't responded. Checking her schedule and sending it to her was obnoxious.

[cairo06]

I have learned over time that my family will never be the family I wish they were and it does make me very sad. But at the same time, expecting things from them that they are not capable of giving is only going to make things worse for me. :(

These are such wise words. I'm sorry your sister isn't being more supportive.

[ha98ed14]

FWIW, I think what you did was ballsey, looking it up and sending it to her, but not wrong. (My sister would have done the same thing to me.) I think she lied about when it started so she had an excuse about why she could not come, and you caught her in it. That's why she's not talking to you! She can't speak because of that big ol' crow stuck in her mouth. If she was even thinking of coming, she would have at least checked the calendar to know for sure when it started.

As for the summer school/ prep work to be done: Yes it is time consuming. DH teaches 4th, so I know how much work it is. BUT school is open all summer for at least part of the day/ week. And teachers usually have keys. So she could go in early, like last week of July or first week in August to get her stuff done. She has the time free in August in as much as she is not required to be at her job. The planning and prep work could be done earlier. The point is, if she wanted to bust her a$$ to be there for you, she could make it happen. That is what you figured out when you found the schedule on the school district's website. Now she knows that you know, so she is pissed because, well, she doesn't want to bust her a$$ to be there for you.

ETA an equally acerbic commentary on her perspective: She may feel no moral or familial obligation to use her time and money to fly out to take care of your children. She may feel that the time you had together, young and childless, was great, but she's not interested in being a baby sitter now that you have made the choice to have your own kids.

Either way, they both suck. :hug:

[smiles33]

It sounds to me that you are expecting your sister to be someone she is not. You have asked and made your wishes clear. That is all you can do. I'm not surpised she hasn't responded. Checking her schedule and sending it to her was obnoxious.

I agree with this except for the last line. I didn't see OP's act of checking for the schedule as an obnoxious attempt to say "Hey, I caught you in a lie!" Instead, I think it was more along the lines of "Hey, younger sis, you may have jumped to the wrong conclusions/assumptions (again) and I just confirmed that this is what the actual schedule looks like."

I'm not sure if cvanbrunt is an older sister/eldest child (as I am!) but I think it's part of the dynamics when you're an enabler and your sibling is dependent on you. I would certainly think it obnoxious if OP did it to a girlfriend/neighbor/co-worker. However, for a younger sister (especially one who has been dependent on OP for so many things and is now THIRTY-THREE!), I think it's par for the course. OP is probably accustomed to taking care of things for her sister, checking up on things for her, correcting her when she makes the wrong assumptions, etc.

OP: I'm truly sorry that you won't get the support you crave from your sister. Thankfully, you have the means to hire a nanny/doula/other paid help (housekeeping and a meal delivery service?). At the end of the day, it sounds like you'll survive the postpartum period and hopefully thrive, especially since you're prepared to handle it with reliable paid providers instead of unreliable family members. GOOD LUCK to you!

[arivecchi]

Honestly, I think you are way more pulled together and with it than the vast majority of even most high functioning people. Truly. :) I wish I were as disciplined as you.:yeahthat: You are my hero. :bowdown:

[khm]

I agree with this except for the last line. I didn't see OP's act of checking for the schedule as an obnoxious attempt to say "Hey, I caught you in a lie!" Instead, I think it was more along the lines of "Hey, younger sis, you may have jumped to the wrong conclusions/assumptions (again) and I just confirmed that this is what the actual schedule looks like."

I don't see it that way either, BUT I'm nearly positive the sister did.

I think she didn't want to or cannot come at that time (for whatever reason, valid or flakey, it doesn't really matter). She fibbed a reason. Your pulling up her schedule and then emailing it to her.... yeah, she's not going to take that well.

I get that you are saying she acts childish and immature, but checking up on her "excuse" and calling her on it is only reinforcing to her that that is how you feel. So, she's probably going to push back with more childishness, unfortunately.

I'd move on. You can't make her WANT to come, and that's what you really wish for, I think. You could guilt her into it I suppose, but I don't see that fulfilling anyone in the end.

[ha98ed14]

You can't make her WANT to come, and that's what you really wish for, I think. You could guilt her into it I suppose, but I don't see that fulfilling anyone in the end.

:yeahthat: :thumbsup:

[niccig]

My mum did something similar about visiting us this year...said they were too busy to come after all - busy as in retired and tennis and their friends. I was PISSED as they haven't seen DS in OVER a year and they kept saying they would come. I spoke with my therapist and had to agree that calling her on it, was not going to be productive. It would end up with her being defensive and saying "I have a life too and it doesn't revolve around your DS." Instead I said "we would really like to see you. If August doesn't work for you (what the heck is up with August and family flaking?!), then maybe there is another time that would work out." and I left the ball in their court. So far, no answer. I felt better as I said something, but I didn't get in a fight over it.

MIL totally stepped up and she is coming out in August to see DS and to help me out with work and no childcare. My mother has since found out that the other grandma is now getting a week alone with DS every day, and she's not happy. Too bad, she had the first chance and turned it down. And yes, I'll make sure to fill them in on the great 2 weeks DS had with his other grandmother - can't help the :icon_twisted: sometimes

I would try something similar "if this time won't work, is there another time that will work for you?" If there is NO time, then you know you can't rely on her for any help. I would also stop helping her. She's 33 - she's old enough to stand on her own two feet. Besides, with TWO kids, you won't have the time to look over a 3rd.

[Green_Tea]

If I were in your shoes I'd definitely be beyond upset with my sister, but I think emailing her the schedule and calling her out crossed the line.

I am not sure why she doesn't want to or feel that she's able to come, but if I were in her shoes, and my sister emailed me my schedule, I would definitely NOT be jumping on a plane to help her. It would make me feel cornered and defensive and not at all like visiting.

You are not wrong to feel very, very disappointed in your sister, but I don't think your tactics are going to get you what you want.

[niccig]

But I really, really get your feelings. My family is like this. They have NEVER been there for me. Ever. Not even when our child died. Not one person from my side of the family made the effort to come to her memorial service, including my one sibling who has the means and coping skills to do so. I really don't think I will ever forgive them, or ever forget it. I don't dwell on it, but I just cannot be close to that person again.



Beth, I'm so sorry that no one attended Leah's memorial service. That's just not right.

[sste]

Beth, I am really sorry to hear that too. That is appalling.

As for me, well I think it was a little obnoxious . . . but I am not feeling any of my normal stirrings of remorse! Truth to be told, I was 80% I was convinced she was lying (and I was delayed in the Laguardia airport for 8 hours post-conference and had some time on my hands :). It was about 20% that I thought she may have screwed up her schedule (very disorganized).

And perhaps I also thought that this needs to be out there between us that she is making choices where I am a low priority . . . and that next time she needs something it should not come as a shock that she is similarly prioritized. Because the dynamic created by her constant lies and excuses is that she always has a reason "on record" whereas if I don't pay, help her, or even have a particularly close relationship with her then I am being uncaring, gratuitously mean-spirited, etc.

Also, GreenTea, really no tactics are going to get me what I want - - I think on some level I did realize as I was emailing that it was indeed "end-game" and she was not going to come out whether I pleaded, had a cardiac arrest, etc. Really, the only thing that would get her out here is cash or if I offered her a vacation equivalent.

Anyway, thanks everyone for the kind words! That is nice to hear - - I always feel so vulnerable at this stage of pregnancy and then postpartum.

[ha98ed14]

And perhaps I also thought that this needs to be out there between us that she is making choices where I am a low priority . . . and that next time she needs something it should not come as a shock that she is similarly prioritized. Because the dynamic created by her constant lies and excuses is that she always has a reason "on record" whereas if I don't pay, help her, or even have a particularly close relationship with her then I am being uncaring, gratuitously mean-spirited, etc.


I am a big believer is "getting it out there," so the fact that you caught her in the lie and that it "outs" her priorities and decisions is a GOOD thing, IMO. At least you both know where you stand and their is no pretense otherwise. It might hurt now, but it will make it easier in the long run. Once you develop an emotional callous about this issue, it won't hurt when she acts like... herself.

[fivi2]

I have a similar family member and it really, really sucks. You give as much as you can, get nothing in return, and you are always made out to be the bad guy in any disagreement. I really don't have any advice, just sympathy! It sounds like you are well prepared, and tbh, she doesn't sound like she would be very helpful to have around. I think at some point you need to stop taking care of her and try not to worry about the fall out. You have your own family now and they need to come first! (easier said than done, I know).

I don't have a problem with the checking of the schedule, fwiw. In this type of relationship, getting it out there that you know you are being misled can be helpful, imo!

so sorry she can't be the sister you need!

[Melanie]

I'm sorry. I'd be upset, too. :( I think looking it up and mailing it to her may have come across as you caught her in a lie, which you very well could have done, LOL, and one of those things that perphaps only siblings can get away with. I agree, though, wishing her to be something she's not isn't going to help you. If you've communicated and she's not stepping up, then that's that. I know it's hard, especially when you're the sort of person who WANTS to help others out, and expects others to just be the same way. They're not. Sometimes you just have to fight your own instincts (to always be the giver) to not end up a doormat.

[Octobermommy]

FWIW, I think what you did was ballsey, looking it up and sending it to her, but not wrong. (My sister would have done the same thing to me.) I think she lied about when it started so she had an excuse about why she could not come, and you caught her in it. That's why she's not talking to you! She can't speak bof that big ol' crow stuck in her mouth. :hug:

:yeahthat:

my aunt is a reading specialist and it is not as time consuming as those that are setting up their classroom, so she says.

[MamaKath]

I think she should come if you were clear that you needed her there. It sounds like she has no clue what it is like to be a responsible adult when dealing with family. I have a sister like that and it has taken literally years for her to "get it" and that has come with her desire to have her own kids. DH often reminds her that we will gladly help with her kid(s) when she has them...as much as she helped us with ours! ;)

As far as classroom set up. Some schools do not let you in prior to one week before school starts. My mom teaches esl in a public school in a similar situation. She does put quite a bit of time and effort into set up- at least as much as I do as a classroom teacher if not more. Part of it is the lack of a classroom and having to figure out how to best organize spaces, portable items, etc. and part is dealing with multiple grades, speaking to multiple teachers etc. That said I think if you told her you need her she is being quite shallow for not coming!!!

[hellokitty]

I have somewhat of a similar family member, although he has really started to step up to the plate in the past couple of yrs, so things have gotten much better. I'm sorry your sister is like that, and I can see that it really hurts. FWIW, do you feel, that even if she were able to come to help you postpartum, that she would be THAT much of a help? I find that most ppl who have not had children of their own before, have absolutely NO idea what to do when it comes to babies and small children. I have similar issues in that I have NO reliable family members (nobody has ever come to stay and help me postpartum, my DH takes of 1-2 wks and after that I am on my own, my mil and mom only live an hr away from me) and I have had to learn how to basically suck it up and deal with things by myself and accept that they will NEVER be the type of family members who swoop to my aid. My DH is the only one who can help me, but of course, that is all dependent on how busy he is at work.

I agree with some of the others, hire a pp doula. She will know exactly what to do to help you and basically you won't end up being disappointed by another family member, b/c I kind of have a feeling from what you have said that your sister probably wouldn't be that great of a help even if she could come. I hope you are able to figure something out.

[gatorsmom]

I havent' read the other replies but I just wanted to respond. Your sister isn't coming. And even if she does come, she isn't going to be as helpful as you need her to be. I could definitely be wrong, but she just sounds like everything has to be about her. I think you already know this. So, you can accept that she is not going to be the person you need her to be and find alternative help or, you can really push her into coming out there to be with you and then be disappointed when she just can't pull through.

If I were you, I'd let it go for the sake of your relationship with her. I would forget I ever emailed her asking her to come. I'd start looking for someone else to help with whatever you expected her to do- nanny for your DC1, post partum doula to help with the new baby and to help you recover, or whatever. You still have some time to find someone really GOOD and to let your sister off the hook. I really think this is the best way to get the best-quality help you need AND to preserve your relationship with your sister. Besides, if it turned into an ugly mess with your sister, would you want that to taint your baby moon and potentially cause worse post-partum stress?

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is totally unfair that you are the giver and she is the taker in the relationship. You absolutely deserve better. and I know how it feels not to have any family show up to your baby shower. I had 2 baby showers and it was all friends, neighbors and DH. It was sad. But thank God for friends! They can really fill in when family fails. :hug:

ETA: Your sister's comments about YOU not communicating are manipulative. It's her way of spinning the situation to make YOU the guilty party while relieving HER of any guilt or responsibility. I don't think what you did with the online schedule was obnoxious at all. I think it was probably good for your sister to be caught in the middle of a lie where she is caught red-handed. However, it won't change her into the person you need her to be right now. Start asking friends about their nannies, checking resumes from nanny agencies and checking www.DONA.com (http://www.DONA.com). You'll probably find people who are 10x better help than your sister and later you'll wonder why you even bothered to email her in the first place. :)

[sste]

Update in first post!

[arivecchi]

Great news! So happy for you!