Real v Pretend

[fivi2]

What do you do? My girls have very (very) active imaginations. They are super sensitive. Everything they see on tv, read in books, hear about, etc is very real to them. (They are 4.5). We talk about things being pretend, but that quickly leads to them asking about everything. So, they believe in fairies and Tink, which I think is cute. (and Santa, Easter Bunny, etc). But then they get worried about captain hook and pirates. I say pirates (of the captain Hook variety) aren't around and they remember the one they just saw at WDW. Well if he was pretend, then does that mean Tink is pretend... You see where we are going here. They ask a million questions and things STRESS them out. They are pretty quick about making connections I never thought they'd make. We don't watch too much tv and most of it is very gentle, but even things in books cause these problems.

So do I have to drop all the fun pretend things at this point? 4 seems so young to give up on Santa and fairies, but I can't deal with the nightmares about pretend monsters. If I ask what they think, then it quickly goes into nightmare territory.

Any opinions?

[lizzywednesday]

I had a very vivid imagination at your girls' age, too, but I don't remember having such a vivid imagination that everything turned into a nightmare.

However, I do remember telling stories and scaring myself as I told them!

I'm not sure what to do, though I know a lot of mamas here have sworn by "moster spray" ... you might also want to try worry dolls and dreamcatchers if they're not too New Agey for you. (Worry dolls are little yarn-wrapped sticks with faces that a child is supposed to tell their worries to before bed; you sleep with the doll under your pillow & the doll "takes" your worries away. I forget how the dreamcatcher is supposed to work.)

And just because a certain character is "pretend" shouldn't mean all things like said character are pretend.

[luckytwenty]

I wouldn't put an end to pretend play. It's a wonderful thing--it develops their imaginations and allows them to work out issues/problems/etc. in a very healthy way.

Are you sure they are truly "stressed" and not acting it out? I remember having some disturbing stories going on when I was a kid, but I enjoyed it and it was a way to work through problems and better understand dynamics between people.

My daughter is always putting her teddy bears in timeout for a variety of reasons and running away from "zombies" (my son, acting like a zombie.) I really wouldn't worry about it.

Until recently, fairy tales (think Grimm, not Disney) were filled with terrifying images, blood and gore...it's probably good that we've evolved past that to some degree, but there's likely a reason children are so comforted by these kinds of stories and have been throughout time, you know?

[fivi2]

They are truly stressed. I am all for Grimm's and not disneyfying things, but they truly get stressed. I need to look at some of the anxiety books that have come up in the past, but this is not normal working things out. They chased each other around laughing/screaming pretending to be a bears yesterday. That is fine, that is normal. What I am talking about is the not normal things.

They can not watch many show or read many books - they freak out. They wake up screaming from terrible nightmares. Which sound horrific when they describe them to me. They seem to have a very advanced understanding of death and it really gets to them. My sister had similar issues as a child and never outgrew them, she still has anxiety and panic issues.

I don't think it would get rid of all pretend play... They still do a ton of pretend play that isn't related to what I am talking about. I am specifically talking about - do I tell them Cap Hook (or Malificent or whoever) isn't real, which will then (without a doubt) lead to questions about Tink and other fairies and Sleeping Beauty etc. And then do I tell the truth about that? And since they saw them at WDW (and truly believed they saw them) I am fairly certain this will lead to other supernatural beings like Santa, etc...

[egoldber]

I really do know exactly what you mean. It is very definitely real and not them playing.

FWIW, my kids are both sensitive like this (but in different ways) and they have managed to work things out themselves. Older DD knows that fairies are pretend but still believes in the Tooth Fairy. She has made her own way of what she wants to know and what she still wants to pretend.

Around 4 is when the fear of monsters (for older DD it was dinosaurs in her closet) sets in for a lot of kids. They learn to make that connection that what they read about is not just in books, but also in the world around them. So I think it is OK to reassure them that Tinkerbelle is a story and there is no Captain Hook. They will still enjoy what the choose to continue to believe vs what they need to acknowledge as fiction to feel safe.

[luckytwenty]

That sounds really troubling--sorry, I am not sure what to tell you then. Hopefully they will outgrow it. My son (7) is at the age when he's beginning to understand life is full of weirdness and mean people (as he's learned about wars, the Holocaust, slavery, stranger-danger, etc. from news and school and other kids and life) and asks a lot of questions and does have some nightmares about it...but he understands the difference between bad things that could happen and things that are actually indeed happening. Hopefully as your girls get older, they will get to the point where they can differentiate between fears actual threats. It's a scary world out there for little kids sometimes!!

[fivi2]

Thanks! I am just worried that I whatever I do will be *wrong*. It doesn't help that my sister still blames our parents for handling things badly for her and not helping her (don't get me wrong, our parents did mess up a lot ;) ).

I have made lists on books you have rec'd in the past (egoldber) so I guess it is just time to get around to looking at them!

It is tricky because I want to encourage their curiosity, and they do seem to make big intellectual leaps, but then it comes back to bite me when it turns into something to be terrified of. (I am getting off on a tangent, but it is kind of all related).

Anyway - thanks for the advice everyone!

[tarahsolazy]

I don't believe in fostering belief in things that aren't real to my kids. So we don't do Santa, Easter Bunny, etc. In your situation, I would say that Tink isn't real, neither is cap'n Hook, but that its a fun story and we can pretend Tink is real. Or something like that.

I don't think that my way is the right way for everyone, but its the right one for me. I felt uneasy with the idea of pretending Santa was real when I know he's not. Now, if an adult honestly believes in Santa or Tink, go for it.

We pretend Santa is real here, sometimes, and I suspect we'll do the same with Tooth Fairy, whenever my guy loses some teeth. He and I will both know its not real, but have a great time playing it anyway.