How do you deal with people with negative attitudes?

[alien_host]

I know someone who just seems to always be negative. Either talks about people behind their backs, puts down other people's choices (i.e. parenting) or complains about when they don't get their way. If you suggest a restuarant choice for dinner they might say, "oh I don't want to eat there the food is terrible". I think it is fine to express your opinion, but once in a while can you go with the crowd and just go along with it?

I'm pretty easy going and generally will do whatever especially if I don't feel strongly one way or another. Like going out to eat...I'm happy to try a new place or go to a place we always go to. But it is getting tiresome that this person seems to have to get their way or they complain. And through the years I've come to learn that everyone parents differently and there isn't necessarily a right or wrong, unless you speak to this person. It's getting old.

How do you handle negative comments about other people or their choices? Or people who want to always be the person to dictate what you do when you get together etc.

[BabyMine]

I am a really go with the flow person but I draw they line at people that drain me with negativity. I slowly start distancing myself.

[boolady]

I am a really go with the flow person but I draw they line at people that drain me with negativity. I slowly start distancing myself.

Me, too, and this is how I've tried to start handling it. Unfortunately, in my life, the person that meets this exact description is my FIL, so there is only so much distancing that can reasonably be done. I don't want to impact his relationship with DH too much, as it's not the greatest (for this reason, actually) or his relationship with DD (though I don't want her picking up on the endless negativity). Instead of getting sucked in, I have just started discreetly exiting the conversation or leaving the room when he starts up, because it's too much for me.

[Reina]

I'll be watching this one very closely. Because that is DH's mother. She drains me. I can't even listen to half the stuff she says. I just pretend to listen and nod. According to MIL, everyone is dumb, stupid, wrong and no one has any common sense, parents no longer teach their children anything blah blah blah. I just hope her negativity won't brush on DS when he is old enough to reciprocate...

[wellyes]

My motto for these kinds of things is: What would Elizabeth Bennett do? (From Pride & Prejudice). She wouldn't' get sucked into someone else's pettiness, and her first reaction is to be amused at how silly people are. I admire that.

[schrocat]

I avoid people like that as much as I can. Life is too short to be negative. My MIL is an extremely negative person. Thank goodness she lives in another country far far away from me.

[kijip]

For someone you don't need to be around: physical and emotional d.i.s.t.a.n.c.e. This would be the neighbor, the fake friend, the friend of a friend or that person at church. Disengage and avoid engagement. Decline unnecessary invites, don't include this person and just stay away.

For someone you are stuck with in either the short term or the long term: emotional d.i.s.t.a.n.c.e coupled with a healthy dose of acceptance. This is for the MIL, the brother, your bitter angry old uncle, or perhaps a co-worker or relative of a close friend. Just say " oh that's jane!" in your head and laugh (internally!) when Jane is being constantly negative. I don't get invested in the negative and bitter webs that some of my loved ones weave. I love them but when they start up a rant, I just tune it out. The great thing about this is that it works so well for all variety of debbie downers- the political ranters (my dad, my relatives, people of all political stripes), the somewhat hypochondriac folks (my brother) and the people that just can't be happy (my uncle who you may have seen in Winnie the Pooh as Eeyore).

It boils down to not adopting people's problems.

[socaintexas]

I was thinking that you must have met my MIL, as well!

I can do the emotional distance thing with my coworkers, etc, but when it comes to her it just makes me so irate that I cannot ignore it. I want to get a big sign to hang up when she comes that says "No negativity accepted" or "Opinions are like elbows..." and see if she will not get the message. Ugh! I dread her visits for a few weeks before hand and a few weeks after. It consumes me with negative energy about her and I just cannot help myself!! I wish that I could let it roll off my back because I could really put all of the energy that she consumes in a more constructive way!

[PMJ]

I avoid people like that as much as I can. Life is too short to be negative. My MIL is an extremely negative person. Thank goodness she lives in another country far far away from me.

:yeahthat:

I feel like if I hang around negative people, it makes me more negative and I can't stand that. If you can, distance yourself!

[hellokitty]

Haha, you have just described my MIL and my father! I try as hard as I can to be emotionally distant to them. Basically, I do not engage them at all, including calling them. If they talk to me, I pretend to listen (b/c seriously, the stuff they say is just awful and stupid, I cannot see how anything they say could be beneficial to my life), say, "uh huh" and basically try to change the topic or remove myself physically from their presence. When they say things that are really inappropriate, sometimes I pretend I didn't even hear it and I don't respond at all. I know that has totally thrown my MIL off before (funny), and she didn't know what to do when I just complete ignored her, b/c obviously nobody else has tried that tactic with her before. I see no reason to try to make them change, b/c ppl like this do NOT change, they are just bitter, unhappy ppl and seem to thrive off of the idea of wanting everyone else around them to be just as miserable as they are. I used to try to reason with them about their flawed thinking, but all that did was make ME want to pull my hair out afterward, b/c these types of ppl (I think most ppl like this generally tend to be narcissistic to be quite honest and would probably fit the definition of NPD), b/c they were NEVER able to budge from their POV and even consider that there were other ways to look at things other than their way. They also have NO empathy for anyone else, YET they expect everyone else to have empathy for them.

For ppl who I'm not stuck with (ie: purely social), I just distance myself slowly with the intention of ending the friendship. I had a friend who was just like this. We were ok the first yr, I think that she kind of, "hid" her real personality from me, BUT as she became more comfortable with me, I think she let her guard down and I started to really dread spending time with her. She was always bad mouthing everyone and being really negative and critical. I was trying to figure out a way to end the friendship (she was a neighbor a few houses down), BUT I got incredibly lucky, in that her husband's job relocated him to another state. Whew! She kind of tried to KIT via email, and I kind of would KIT, but eventually stopped responding. I found that she was just really toxic and when I was around her, she just totally brought me down and made me unhappy. I also was not happy about some of the stuff she was teaching her son and my kids being exposed to that (she referred to children who are mentally retarded as, "re-re" among other things). After she moved, it was such a relief, I felt like a wt had been lifted off my shoulders. Ppl like this are just very emotionally exhausting to be around and they tend to try to suck you into their drama.

[ewpmsw]

My family is incredibly negative and as a result, I'm pretty much that way, and have found myself drawn into relationships with negative people. I'm working really hard to change that, and ITA with pp's about distancing yourself. I also think that countering the negative comments with honesty is a good way to make them stop. Be up front about how you feel when they're so negative. Or, don't buy into it. "Oh, you don't like that place? Well, we're going there for dinner and would like your company... Guess we'll see you another time." And leave it at that, without engaging in trying to change their mind or begging them to come. Half the time, I think that's what they want - The assurance that you want them there, or that you'll give in to what they want (or both).

IMO, negative people often aren't aware of how irritating and draining their comments are. Also, they use the negativity to have a sense of control over what is going on around them. I have some very good, patient, long-term friends who've taken the honest tack with me and it was both painful and enlightening.

[alien_host]

For someone you don't need to be around: physical and emotional d.i.s.t.a.n.c.e. This would be the neighbor, the fake friend, the friend of a friend or that person at church. Disengage and avoid engagement. Decline unnecessary invites, don't include this person and just stay away.

For someone you are stuck with in either the short term or the long term: emotional d.i.s.t.a.n.c.e coupled with a healthy dose of acceptance. This is for the MIL, the brother, your bitter angry old uncle, or perhaps a co-worker or relative of a close friend. Just say " oh that's jane!" in your head and laugh (internally!) when Jane is being constantly negative. I don't get invested in the negative and bitter webs that some of my loved ones weave. I love them but when they start up a rant, I just tune it out. The great thing about this is that it works so well for all variety of debbie downers- the political ranters (my dad, my relatives, people of all political stripes), the somewhat hypochondriac folks (my brother) and the people that just can't be happy (my uncle who you may have seen in Winnie the Pooh as Eeyore).

It boils down to not adopting people's problems.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

Thanks for the suggestions....I had already started distancing myself and was feeling bad but maybe it's for the better.

[alien_host]

My family is incredibly negative and as a result, I'm pretty much that way, and have found myself drawn into relationships with negative people. I'm working really hard to change that, and ITA with pp's about distancing yourself. I also think that countering the negative comments with honesty is a good way to make them stop. Be up front about how you feel when they're so negative. Or, don't buy into it. "Oh, you don't like that place? Well, we're going there for dinner and would like your company... Guess we'll see you another time." And leave it at that, without engaging in trying to change their mind or begging them to come. Half the time, I think that's what they want - The assurance that you want them there, or that you'll give in to what they want (or both).

IMO, negative people often aren't aware of how irritating and draining their comments are. Also, they use the negativity to have a sense of control over what is going on around them. I have some very good, patient, long-term friends who've taken the honest tack with me and it was both painful and enlightening.

I think this is spot on as well...but it can be very hard to be honest with someone who is always negative...I'm glad some of your friends were able to do it. Maybe admiting that one is negative is the first step so to speak. Thanks for sharing.