mean

[lmh2402]

today i had g on the swings in the park across the street from our apt. park has a great big sprinkler system so there are kids in bathing suits/swimwear everywhere...including on the swings.

for whatever reason, among the infant swing sets, there is this weird kind of big, reclined seat swing...like a big, laid out chair. perhaps it's a handicap swing? anyway, all the "older" (read that to mean like 1st graders) like to swing on this. they come in little clumps and just push each other. who knows. fun, i suppose.

anyway, these three little girls (i do think they were about 1st grade) were on there when i put g in the swing.

about five minutes later, two other little girls walked over and were quietly waiting their turn. not saying a word to anyone. just waiting.

anyway, one of the original three starts in on one of the other two. she tells them, "you have to wait your turn!" (again, they were waiting their turn.) and then she says, "and what's wrong with you anyway? you're wearing two different shoes and they're both ugly."

now all of these girls were in bathing suits. the original three were in little triangle top bikinis. the other two were in typical little girl one pieces. and one of the girls in a one-piece did, in fact, have two different shoes on. but who knows. maybe her mom wanted her to wear two old, beat up shoes to run around the sprinkler. does it really matter?

apparently, to the original three, it mattered a great deal. they just kept hounding this other kid. and she just stood there. waiting her turn. not saying a word. her face was bright red and there were tears in her eyes. but she didn't say anything to defend herself. her friend got embarrassed and walked away, and then she eventually did too. and the original three just kept going. talking and laughing about how stupid and ugly she was. how poor she must be to be wearing two different shoes. how they were never going to be that poor. how she probably has to eat dog food at home (!!) b/c she can't afford two of the same shoes. it was horrifying.

i was near tears myself. i collected my son. kissed his head for only being 14 months and prayed that he would grow up to be nicer than that. i know i can't judge b/c they were just kids. but my god, they were awful. just, just awful. perhaps it struck a chord with me b/c i was never the cool kid when i was little. i was stick skinny with huge glasses and afraid of my own shadow. so elementary school was hard for me.

but anyway, just major yuck. big, big boo for mean spirited kids.

[arivecchi]

I've seen similar behavior in our park. I certainly hope my kids grow up to be kind human beings first and foremost. Poor little girl. :(

[SnuggleBuggles]

I absolutely would have both snapped at the mean girls and said something very sweet to the girl being picked on. Terrible.

Beth

[nrp]

Stories like that give me nightmares of what it's going to be like for DD in a couple of years. To think that such venom was coming from the mouths of 6 or 7 year olds! Were their mothers around? Talking to the kids directly might not be that useful - but I wonder if their mothers were aware of the way they were treating the other little girl?

[lmh2402]

I absolutely would have both snapped at the mean girls and said something very sweet to the girl being picked on. Terrible.

Beth

can you do that? reprimand someone else's kid if it has nothing to do with you or yours?

i'm seriously asking that b/c i have zero experience here

i literally ran home feeling like they ran me and the other little girls off

they were horrible. and their care-givers (about 99.9% sure they were with nannies...) were nowhere in sight

i don't know. i didn't think it was my place. but i still feel sick over it

[DrSally]

I absolutely would have both snapped at the mean girls and said something very sweet to the girl being picked on. Terrible.

Beth

:yeahthat:

ETA: I wouldn't consider it reprimanding. I would've prob just said something like, "That isn't a nice way to talk, where are your parents?" It's a statement and question, not the same, IMO as saying, "Don't talk like that, stop it right now". Then, I would've said something nice to the girl being teased. Or else I would've diffused it by making a joke about how I like to wear 2 different shoes, and it's all the rage right now, didn't they know?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm sure it would qualify as a mommy-drive by type scenario but I don't care. There are some things I do indeed say something about. If I am the only grown up paying attention or just happens to be right in the action b/c one of my kids is playing there then I say something. "Place nicely," "wait your turn," "saying mean things isn't nice,"...I have said a lot of things to a lot of other kids in that vein. It mostly comes out if someone is doing something to my child and making it so he can't have a good time (hogging equipment, being rough, being mean...). But, in a case like that I absolutely would have said something, especially since you couldn't see a caregiver. Just step up and be the grown up in the situation, just like you would hope their caregiver would be if they were there.

If you felt uncomfortable saying something the the mean one then I would have heaped the praise on the other one. I certainly would have told the one that was saying she needed to wait her turn that, in fact, she was waiting her turn. Kind words to the kids being hurt would have been completely appropriate.

I am sure some disagree with me saying something to the mean ones but I am giving my honest answer. I'd say it in a nice enough way but I do tend to open my mouth probably more than I should. :)

BEth

[lmh2402]

oh man, now i really feel awful

i totally should have said something. even just to the little girl being picked on

i f'd up. i honestly...i know this is going to sound ridiculous...but i had like a physical reaction to the way these girls were talking. i was literally near tears and had to leave. felt like they were intimidating me!!

i wish i could take it back and have said something kind to the other little girl. i should have stepped up and i didn't b/c i was too afraid being in someone else's business

blah. i feel sick now

i'm going to bed. :crying:

[DrSally]

It's easy to freeze and not know what to do in those situations. Don't beat yourself up. I hope someone at home made that little girl feel better :(

[mamicka]

It's easy to freeze and not know what to do in those situations. Don't beat yourself up. I hope someone at home made that little girl feel better :(

:yeahthat:It's hard the first time you see it as a parent. Next time you'll be more prepared/confident.

I would have said something to both the mean girls & the picked-on ones. I think that's entirely appropriate.

[cath_b]

Kids are mean. I got made fun of because of my lastname. Cried home a few times in the beginning and promised myself that whatever happens, I'm defending and keeping my lastname because I'm proud of it. That said, I would not want my kids to go through it. I'm glad they have daddy's lastname and a very carefully thought of first names.

[Kymberley]

I'm sorry you had to see/hear all of that nastiness. Some kids are truely vile. My family up and moved at the start of my 8th grade year- new school, new kids, no friends. The jerks on the bus made it a game every morning to try and trip me as I walked down the isle. I can't stand bullies. Hugs to you, and don't beat yourself up.

[tiapam]

That sounds horrible and sad. One thing I have found in these situations is there is not one right thing to do or say. Sometimes the best tactic is to neutralize the situation by inserting yourself into it in an innocent way. Like asking the girl who was picked on what her name is, how old is she, does she want to help you push your baby on the swing, does she have any babies at her house, etc. So the other girls see that someone there is paying attention, and is interested in this girl. And hopefully that is enough to shut them down.

[mytwosons]

Don't feel bad. It's natural to freeze the first time you are in that situation. Sadly, you'll be an old pro in a few years.

I've found it very effective (and don't hesitate) to say: "Is that a kind thing to say?" using my best elementary school/don't mess with me face and voice. The reprimand is all in the expression and tone.

[KHF]

Ugh, I dread when this starts happening around my DD. She's a sensitive girl, and I worry for her. I'm doing my best to arm her with the tools she'll need to have the confidence to deal with bullies. I don't think I'll have to worry about her being the bully, but that is something I will watch for too. I will NOT stand for that.

To the OP, don't beat yourself up about it...next time you will know what to do. It can be hard when it hits too close to home... :hug:

[hillview]

I agree over time you will get used to saying something (at least I have) I remember the first time someone was mean to DS1 in the playground and I froze up. Now I am pretty confident and will tell other kids to be nice or be careful or where is your mom. In that case I'd have said something but I am bossy and mean and get in other situations where there are no parents around (I am more careful when other parents are around). Although I will still sometimes say something to my DS like "that DC is still learning how to cooperate or play with others or take turns etc"

/hillary

[pinkmomagain]

To the OP, don't feel bad about it at all...you are the 1st time mom of a real little one.

But I would have said something to the girls on the swing for sure (but I'm the mom of 3 girls...oldest is 13.5yo!). Something like "That's not a nice way to talk. Do you think your mother would like the way you a speaking to these girls right now? Where is your mom?" Those girls would probably have gotten off the swing just to avoid answering me, the other girls would've gotten on, and I would've said "Sorry those girls were speaking to you that way. They certainly seem to have forgotten their manners!"

[♥ms.pacman♥]

aw.. i agree with tiapam, maybe the best thing would have been to try to divert the attention somehow. but don't feel too bad, if it were me, i probably would have done the same thing as you.. i would have just stood there in shock and plus would have been afraid to do anything make the situation worse.

i feel really sorry for the girl who was picked on simply over the shoes she was wearing (i soooo have been there as a kid!). but i also feel sorry for the girls who ganged up on her..i think kids who make fun of others for things like that (appearance,clothes, etc) tend to be really insecure about their own appearance, for whatever reason... that is why they make fun of others, to make themselves feel better. it's sad that they just can't enjoy childhood while they can, as they have the rest of their lives to be self-critical about themselves and their appearance...

[deborah_r]

oh man, now i really feel awful

i totally should have said something. even just to the little girl being picked on

i f'd up. i honestly...i know this is going to sound ridiculous...but i had like a physical reaction to the way these girls were talking. i was literally near tears and had to leave. felt like they were intimidating me!!

i wish i could take it back and have said something kind to the other little girl. i should have stepped up and i didn't b/c i was too afraid being in someone else's business

blah. i feel sick now

i'm going to bed. :crying:

When my boys were younger, I didn't know how to react in these situations, but as I've been around a lt of kids in the different age groups it gets a little easier. However, if they were older, like preteens, I'd probably again be not sure what I could say to try to diffuse the situation.

Don't be hard on yourself for not saying anything. I think I have felt the way you did, like you actually feel intimidated by the little girls, even though you know you shouldn't be. But it's like it brings you back to when kids were mean to you when you were little, and also you were probably just totally shocked by the meanness!

[hellokitty]

That's awful. Girls can be really mean, I still can remember some of the, "mean girls" when I was growing up, and I have friends with girls who have been dealing with, "mean girls" since preschool. I think it starts earlier for girls than it does for boys. I agree with the others, you could have just spoken up. I would have said, "That's not nice, you shouldn't be talking to other ppl like that, where is your mom/teacher?" When adults speak up, kids immediately kind of back down (usually). I have told older kids before at the playground to stop doing something if it looked dangerous or they were doing something way too rowdy and someone could get hurt. Even if their parents weren't around, I don't think there is anything wrong with another adult giving a child they don't know a verbal warning if their behavior is inappropriate and/or dangerous. I think it is usually a bigger issue if kids are acting up or doing something inappopriate and adults just sit there and don't say/do something. I know that if my kid were the one getting picked on or the one who was bullying someone else, *I* as a parent would want to know about it. I know it can be scary, b/c it could lead to a confrontation, but I also think that a lot of parents might not realize their kid was acting like that, and for another adult to tell them is actually a favor, and shouldn't be taken as an insult or attack.

[Ceepa]

Oh yeah, I'm totally the mommy who has to say something in that situation.

[MamaMolly]

Awwww, smoochies mama. It is really hard the first time it happens. In my case a little snot told DD that she was too little to climb up a ladder on the play structure and DD believed her! I was so mad. DD wouldn't try climbing that ladder for a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG time no matter what I said. Peers have a powerful influence. I did interfere when this same little monster tried to side up to DD and whisper in her ear later on in the day. I told her no secrets and we play nice. She didn't like me one bit! Tough luck, I'm there to protect DD.

Now I try to practice with DD what she can say when kids are mean to her. I want her confident but not a bully too, so I feel like I need to arm her. She's just so tender and believes kids she thinks are older or what ever.

[jal]

can you do that? reprimand someone else's kid if it has nothing to do with you or yours?

i'm seriously asking that b/c i have zero experience here

i literally ran home feeling like they ran me and the other little girls off

they were horrible. and their care-givers (about 99.9% sure they were with nannies...) were nowhere in sight

i don't know. i didn't think it was my place. but i still feel sick over it

It doesn't matter if it's an adult or a child... when a person is behaving badly, there is never anything wrong with calling them out out it.

And specifically in this type of situation, when there are unsupervised children behaving badly, it's totally appropriate for you to repremand them, so long as you are doing so in a loving manner that you would to your own child to teach them how to behave appropriately.

Otherwise, the only "rule" I would say that comes into play in these situations is that there isn't anything you can physically do to stop bad behavior.