help

[cas]

I feel bad posting here asking for help as I've only posted a handful of times. But I find myself in a bad situation that I cannot share with my friends.

I am currently 17 weeks pregnant with our third child and last night my husband told me he cheated on me 6 weeks ago. It was apparantly one time only with someone from work. In addition, we are supposed to be moving in 3 weeks 1200 miles away from our friends and family for my husband's new job.

I am beyond shocked and crushed and I just don't know what to do with myself. He feels awful... wants to make it work, etc. BUt every time I stop being busy with the kids or when I tried to sleep last night I can only picture him with her in my mind. I'm exhausted and just can't sleep. When the kids went down for their nap I finally fell asleep only to wake up 15 minutes later. When I woke up I had forgotten for a moment what happened and then it hit me all over again like a punch in the gut.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here. I tried praying and didn't even know what to pray for. I just feel hopeless and lost and completely blindsided. Maybe I just needed someone to hear me and know what's going on. If you've managed to read all of this, thank you.

[liz]

oh no. I don't know what to say....just :hug::hug::hug:

are you sure you can't talk to a good friend?

[doberbrat]

oh no. I don't know what to say....just :hug::hug::hug:

are you sure you can't talk to a good friend?

ditto :hug:

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

:grouphug:
You mentioned praying,can you seek counsel from your pastor/rabbi/priest, etc.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

Double post.Oops

[WolfpackMom]

Prayers and positive vibes for you, I hope you can find someone IRL to lean on right now. :grouphug:

[gatorsmom]

Well, you can't stop thinking about it because you just found out about it. Give it a little time for the dust to settle. I wouldn't do anything big right now like move out or threaten divorce. I'd just give it some time for your passionate emotions now to calm a bit so that you can really determine what you want to do. and in the mean time, I'd continually let your DH know how completely crushed you are over this.

I've thought about this before and again recently with the whole Tiger Woods situation. I've never told my husband this but if I ever found out he cheated on me, and that it was a one time thing that he really regrets, AND he would do anything to make our marriage work AND he showed real remorse, I'd probably forgive him (after I made him suffer through my constant crying and agonizing). But he'd have to be willing to do anything to make it work and it would have had to be a one-time slip up. Anyone can make mistakes. I know how much stress marriages can be under, especially when little kids and stressful jobs and poor economies are involved.

That said, I"d start putting my ducks in a row. After all, what if he changes his mind? What if after a few sessions of therapy, he decides he wants out? I'd talk to a good divorce attorney, get myself prepared for the worst, and wouldn't tell him.

I'm so sorry for your pain and anguish. I'm sorry this is going on right now while you are pregnant and before a major move. Take good care of yourself. I'm sending big hugs and big prayers your way. :hug:

[bubbaray]

I recommend counselling.

:grouphug:

[ha98ed14]

I dunno what your housing situation is (rent or own home? trying to sell?)... but DO NOT move with him if you are having any doubts! You can always join him later. But do not move 1200 miles from YOUR people (mom, dad, sisters, friends) if you are not 100% sure that 1) he told you the whole story, and 2) YOU are 100% committed to making this work. Sometimes men say "just one time," but it comes out later that this was an on-going thing. Heck, you might just need some space. You certainly don't owe him an explanation. His behavior is explanation enough!

Take the children and go stay with your parents if you have to. But do not move with him if you feel like you cannot trust him or you have any doubts about staying in the relationship. The isolation that ensues after a move (with no major emotional traumas) is awful, horrible and depressing. If you are suffering that in the middle of a marital crisis... SO not good!!! Take care of YOU! Let him find temporary housing if he has to. (Hopefully you did not just buy a house in the new place.)

Also, get yourself to a counselor NOW! You must talk to someone with an outside perspective NOW, before you think of moving. If you have *any* history of depression, please, please, please go and see the mental health professional who helps/ed you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this! The best thing you can do for yourself if find out what ALL your options are so you can make an informed decision about what you want to do with YOUR life. Yes you have kids. Yes they need a relationship with their father. But you do not need to spend the rest of your days in servitude to "what's good for the kids". Many, many hugs and some P&PTs too.

[ehlana06]

:22: I understand exactly whats going on. In March I found out that last January before DH and I were married, he went out, got wasted, and took some 22 year old girl home. I found out when we received a notice in the mail for him to go take a paternity test for he then 5 month old little girl. She's just a month younger than our DS. As you know the pain is pretty much overwhelming. For quite a while I walked around in a daze, just trying to pretend I never found out. I think the worst part for me was the shame. I felt ashamed. I didn't want to tell anyone or talk to anyone because I felt like I would be looked down on. I felt like I lost a part of my womanhood. I was ashamed that he (in my eyes at the time) HAD to go to another woman for satisfaction. So many questions and doubts went through my mind.

With that said DH and I are still together and are working through things. I don't think the pain of that betrayal will ever go away fully but if you are dedicated to fixing things it will lessen immensely. When I prayed I prayed that the Lord would comfort me. I knew that He would not change what had happened but He could and would help me get through it. My heart breaks for you. Through the haze of the pain try to realize that things will get better.

If you need to talk to someone in private you are more than welcome to PM me. :hug::hug:

[ha98ed14]

I think in your situation, my ability to stay with the husband would be very much influenced by whether or not the child was his. For me, that other child would be a constant reminder that he cheated and any contact would just feel like rubbing it in, but of course he would have a duty to be a parent to that child.

OP, please seek counseling. :hug:

ETA: SInce this only happened 6 weeks ago, the full extent of the "damage" may not be known for a while. It remains to be seen what the motive of the other woman was. Please, OP, take it slow.

[sewarsh]

I'm very sorry for your situation and honestly I can't even imagine what you are going through.

The pain must be raw and like a knife in your heart, but it also hurts so much becuase you just found out. Is your Husband a good guy and just screwed up once? Do you think he's a good dad? Is he a good husband? Do you think you can ever trust him again?

Personally, I THINK that if he's screwed up once, shame on him. But maybe you guys can work with a therapist to get your marriage to work. Being that you have little ones, I would hope you can make it work, but again, I'm not in your situation.

I think it says something good about him given he did tell you. Did he tell you becuase he was feeling loads of guilt or becuase he was afraid he'd get caught? I think that's an important quesiton too.

Good luck and hang in there.

[jjjo1112]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
My first thought: is your husband still working with this woman, will he have any contact with her at the new job? For me-there would be no way to move on if my DH was still in contact with her-even at the office.
My second thought-was it really one time? Usually what I have seen-is the one time things are strangers where as an ongoing relationship is more likely to occur with a coworker. Do you believe he is telling the truth?
Third thought-I also am not sure I would pick up and move 1200 miles away from any social supports. A 1200 mile move can be hard adjustment even when you have a greatmarriage. I would think being away from everyone and everything you know while trying to work through this would very trying and could easily lead to depression.
Find yourself a good counselor and rethink telling a friend/parent/pastor etc.

[Melaine]

I'm so sorry. I wish I could offer some kind of help to you. I would agree with others for you to seek counseling, preferably at your local church.

[Tondi G]

WOW.... I am SO sorry. I agree with the others that you should seek out someone to speak to about the situation so you can work through the emotions and learn to cope if you decide to stay with your husband. If you can find a way to let him carry on to his new destination and you stay behind with your family/friends that might be best for a little while. Is the woman he cheated on you with also moving to the new location? If she is staying behind will he need to still have contact with her for work? Is so then I think he might need to be looking for a new job/position.

A friend of mine went through something similar with her husband.. she caught him... he confessed to ONE time and then it turned out to not just be ONE time. Since then they have broken up cause he is going through a mid life crisis and decided he wanted out. She is doing better all the time, growing stronger as a woman and mother to her 2 boys.

I truly hope for you that it is/was only a one time thing and that he can remain faithful for the future if you decide to stay with him and can find a way to trust him again. HUGS and Good Luck.

[MamaMolly]

Gutting. Absolutely gutting. I am sincerely sorry. Please consider talking to a professional. You need to sort out your head before you do anything else.

You mention that he feels awful and wants to make it work. What does that mean? Is 'awful' that he feels shame for what he did, or because you found out? What does 'making it want to work' look like to him and to you? Those could be very different things.

I have no BTDT advice other than as a child who's parents ultimately divorced over infidelity. My dad screwed around a lot. A LOT. According to my mom his way of making their marriage 'work' was to promise not to do it again and my mom was not to mention it ever. What ended up happening is that he tried really hard not to get caught again, and she became extremely bitter and passive aggressive. I would not wish that marriage on anyone, not that situation on children. It seriously messed with my head when it came to relationships for a loooooong time.

I honestly believe that a marriage can survive infidelity with the right counseling and a firm committment on both party's parts but it takes tremendous work. Again, please, please seek counseling. Who knows, maybe a big move can be the fresh start you both need and deserve. With the right guidance you will be able to make decisions from a position of strength. Good luck, and prayers for peace coming your way!

[ThreeofUs]

:hug::hug: I'm so sorry you're going through this!!

ITA - find someone to talk to, even if it's a counselor. And seriously consider whether you want to move away from your support structure right now....

P&PT coming your way.

[wellyes]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

For me, it would make a difference that he told you. Cheating is a terrible
thing but dishonesty is worse. I am very very glad to hear that you DO have a support network. Whether or not you move, you can always come back. You have options. But I sincerely hope for the sake of yourself and your kids and even your husband that your family can work things out.

Wish I could offer better advice but all I can really say is good luck and don't hesitate to post more - and talk to people IRL about this too - ou are in a tough spot and it's so unfair.

[misshollygolightly]

No real advice to offer, but lots of hugs and prayers coming your way. I agree with others that counseling is urgent--for you individually and for the two of you as a couple. Also, I think you should seek counseling now--not wait until after the big move. And I agree that you'd be wise to move slowly in making other big decisions (such as to seek separation or divorce, to move so far away, etc.). Obviously, you and your husband have a lot invested in your marriage (multiple kids, for one thing!), so hopefully you'll seek quality counseling and explore every viable option to make things work.

[boltfam]

I am so,so sorry. I feel like I just got punched in the gut, too, and could just cry for you. What a tough situation to be in. I agree that you need to talk to someone - preferably a priest or pastor or someone in line with your worldview. I would really hesitate to move 1200 miles away from your support group until you find out more - like HOW committed DH is to your marriage. I also think, though, that trying to work through things would be hard when you're far apart. Sending lots of P&PT your way.

[HonoluluMom]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through all this, especially since you're pregnant.

The only thing I can say is that only you know yourself. Some things you may want to think about:

- Is this something you can live with if you stay with him? Are you able to forgive and forget or will it eat at you?

- I know this is controversial, but are you of the belief that you should try to work it out for the sake of the children?

- Will you truly be able to trust him in the future?

- Why did he cheat? Is it something that can be "worked on" or is it indicative of a seriously injured relationship?

Please, please take care of yourself and take A LOT of time to think things through. As you know, this not only affects you and your husband, but your children.

[TwinFoxes]

:hug: I can't even imagine how you devastated you feel. I'm so sorry.

If you or your husband have EAP through work, that might be a good place to start looking for someone to talk to. It's confidential. I think you should concentrate on getting individual counseling first. Then if you decide you want to stay, go to marital counseling. Work on YOU so you have some emotional strength to deal with whatever happens in your marriage.

If it were me, I wouldn't move. I wouldn't believe it was one time. When he told you who it was, were you surprised or not really? Is this woman interested in a relationship with him?

I think the advice to talk to an attorney is good. Even if you hope to make it work, prepare for the worst.

[cas]

Thank you all for your responses and support.

I have an ob appointment tomorrow so I'll be asking her about a counselor. It's all just so awful, I can barely wrap my mind around it.

Thank you all again.

[MamaMolly]

I have an ob appointment tomorrow so I'll be asking her about a counselor. It's all just so awful, I can barely wrap my mind around it.

That is a really great idea. Be brave. Courage, Mama! :kisscheek:

[swissair81]

I hate to bring this up, but when he cheated did he do it in a safe way? You have to worry about yourself & your baby.

[ewpmsw]

Good luck tomorrow, OP. A counselor sounds like a great first step. Be good to yourself. :hug:

[boltfam]

Thank you all for your responses and support.

I have an ob appointment tomorrow so I'll be asking her about a counselor. It's all just so awful, I can barely wrap my mind around it.

Thank you all again.

That is a great plan. Please know that we are here to support you, too.

[hillview]

I recommend counselling.

:grouphug:

:yeahthat:
/hillary