Maybe TMI...but did sex after you had your baby hurt?

[BabyBearsMom]

This may be TMI and is so embarassing, but I need somewhere anonymous to ask this question. My baby is 3 months old, and I was cleared to resume all "normal" activity at 6 weeks. Since then, my husband and I have tried to um...resume our normal intimate activities when the baby is sleeping, and well, it hurts a lot. We haven't been able to get through the whole shebang (pardon the pun), because I have to stop him because I am in so much pain. I had a C-Section, so I would think that there wouldn't be any impact to my lady parts, but I feel like a virgin all over again. We use lubricant. I've even tried breathing exercises to relax. We have definitely taken the time to warm up appropriately, so I just don't know why this isn't working. Plus I feel absolutely terrible for DH and know that although he is kind and understanding about this now, his patience can't last forever. Any BTDT?

[smiles33]

Sadly, I am 1 year post-partum and it still hurts. We rarely try. I'm still nursing, so the hormones have greatly dampened my drive and the artificial lube just isn't as effective as the natural stuff....DH is incredibly understanding but I feel like an asexual robot.

Sorry I don't have any good advice. Just wanted to say I'm in the same boat.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I had 2 vaginal births and no problems after either. 2.5 degree tear with ds1 and tiny tear after ds2. I was a bit nervous that it would hurt but I was ok.

Beth

[zoestargrove]

YES! I had a c-section with my first and I couldn't believe or understand even WHY it still hurt several months later. (fwiw, I couldn't even think about sex at 3 months, so for us, it was 6 months later! My poor patient DH.)

When we first dtd 6 months after my c-section I had to stop him from going further because of the pain. Ironically - we got pg that time. I don't know if it was the pg hormones that helped or just time - but we did end up having lots of sex during that pregnancy and it was pain free once again. Hallelujah!

I'm sorry, I don't remember any quick fix, but I didn't want you to feel you were alone with this problem. Maybe a glass of wine to start the night off and just take things slowly.

[KrisM]

I had 3 c-births and it hurt after each. Stopping nursing help and stopping lubricant helped for some reason.

[hillview]

C-section here and yes it hurt -- had to get some K-Y
/hillary

[Melaine]

There was a poll not long ago and I was really surprised how many people had issues with pain during intercourse. I've been dealing with it since my wedding night. That pain of doing it the "first time" turned out to be normal for me nearly every time. Interestingly, it came up recently in a conversation with my mom and she told me she had the same problem. I kind of wish she had told me before!
I'm not sure what my issue is, I think a combo of several things. Definitely hormones come into play. For me, also anxiety and possibly some physical issues make dealing with it more difficult.
My advice is to realize that it's not actually very unusual and things will improve. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself.

ETA: Most of my pain issues have been resolved over the last couple years. I don't exactly know why, but things are usually great in that department now.

[luckytwenty]

C-section also and it hurt until I weaned.

[AshleyAnn]

It hurt but no so terribly we couldn't couldn't finish. I had a 3rd degree epi, a 2nd degree tear, and a 1 degree tear and we were back at by 6 weeks and by 8/9 weeks we were good to go. I think we discussed attempting it at 4, maybe 5, and I wasn't ready mentally.

I'd suggest a glass of wine to relax you, lots of lube and good forplay, and just take it very slow.

[tarahsolazy]

Yes, it can be hormonal, particularly if you are nursing. Sex is more than just insert tab A into slot B, and I'd recommend doing things you DO enjoy to get the mental part back, then keep working on the physical. I didn't feel really normal for probably close to a year, but had a great sex life anyway, just less emphasis on that one aspect.

[pastrygirl]

C-section and it hurt -- worse than after my VBAC!! Try coconut oil for lube. It's fantastic.

[Katigre]

Very normal - even after a csection. It has to do with hormonal changes after birth and not so much a baby going through the birth canal or not.

A few things will help:

1. Good lubricant. You need heavy duty lube and 3x as much as normal. My personal preference is extra virgin coconut oil and many of my friends use it too - compared to that astroglide and KY are like using nothing at all.

2. Go very slowly - even with adequate foreplay, you will still need to handle penetration itself carefully. Control entry very.very.very slowly. Once your DH is fully inserted, he needs to hold still and not move at all for a full minute or two. This gives your tissues time to stretch and adjust without the friction of movement.

3. After you've done this, he can try a few slow thrusting movements but after that don't continue unless you're comfortable - you might need to finish him manually/orally instead. Gradually build up to more movement and thrusting each time spread out over a few days or a week until you complete the entire act. [Alternately, you can start out on top and handle penetration speed and movement yourself. :)]

4. You can't let too long go between attempts or else it's like starting all over. Waiting longer will not improve the situation, instead you need to do mini attempts frequently. If you do have a week or two (or more) between sexual encounters then follow the above advice again.

5. It will get better the older your baby gets, I especially noted a turning point around 6-9 months old.

6. If it does NOT get better by that time, then talk to your doctor about estrogen cream b/c your tissues may be atrophied due to hormonal changes and need some extra help. But I found that using the coconut oil lubricant liberally really REALLY helped in that area (it is a natural moisturizer that gets absorbed into the skin and is natural and safe - much better IMO than the commercial lubes full of ingredients I'm not comfortable putting on my most sensitive parts).

[swissair81]

I had 3 perfectly normal vaginal births. Sex hurt really badly after all of them. I don't even attempt it until about 10 weeks postpartum. Even then, it still hurts for a month or 2 after that. It would be a real bummer if it hurt until I weaned, because I nurse until I don't have anymore milk.

[GonnaBeNana]

It was a solid year after the birth of my first that it was bearable for me. I had a 4th degree tear and epi. 47 stitches to repair me "down there." The referred to it as a "vaginal c-section." It was not quite as bad after my other pregnancies. I actually delivered my bladder in-between my baby and my placenta with my second child. That required bladder surgery and a hysterectomy after the 4th baby. It was only after that, that I felt 100% better again.

[edurnemk]

I had a vaginal birtha and some tearing with DS. Sex was painful for over 6 months. It was painful in the area where the tear was, but also uncomfortable all over. Are you BF? I found even using lubricants wasn't enough to overcome the dryness caused by BF.

It was many months before our sex life returned to normal.

Have you talked to your OB about it?

[almostmom]

After DS was born vaginally, I had a lot of pain. A lot. I went to my OB and told her, and she had a look. I had a small piece of labia that was hanging a bit, and she thought that it was probably rubbing against things and getting raw. I went in for a minor procedure where she numbed me and just cut off the hanging skin, and I felt like a new woman. So don't rule out asking your OB for advice.

Also, before having kids, I had a year or 2 of painful intercourse. It so bummed me out. Finally I asked my Gyn then for advice. She said that sometimes people have pain when there is nothing physcially wrong and your body starts to "expect" that pain, in that the pain pathways are there. She encouraged me to massage the area that hurt, work through the pain a bit (not my instinct at all - my instinct was no sex!) and to not stop having sex. She said the more the area is used and massaged, the eaiser and less painful it would become. She also gave me lidicane cream. But the working through it (with a very loving partner/husband) did the trick.

So those are my pain with sex experiences. I'm through them for the moment, so you can get through it too! It doesn't have to be forever--

Good luck.

[Globetrotter]

When we first dtd 6 months after my c-section I had to stop him from going further because of the pain. Ironically - we got pg that time.

The same thing happened to me! (except much more of a gap between babies!) I had two c/s and it hurt like crazy, even with lube, until I stopped nursing, and even afterwards. It's absolutely fine now, but the only way to get through that (for me) was to force myself to try. The longer I waited between attempts, the more it hurt :( Timing was also an issue and it was much less painful during fertile times in my cycle (makes sense!).

[kijip]

6 months to not be painful/really to even be possible. Like Tarahsolzy that did not preclude sex, just intercourse. 12 or so months to feel "the same" as pre-pregnancy. Some women find hormone creams help. For me, weaning helped a lot though it was pretty good after 12 months even when I was still nursing. But far better after weaning entirely (18 months).

[L'sMommy]

Yep! I also had a second degree tear. The first time we tried was 10 weeks post-partum and that didn't work. After that, we tried 2-3 more times, each time stopping because of the pain. I forget when it felt "normal" again, but it did. Now I have no problems. Hang in there!!!

[BabyBearsMom]

Thanks, Ladies! I told DH that we just had to try more and he got all excited and can't understand why I am not ecstatic about this plan. So I had to explain to him "Imagine if I told you that several times a week, I was going to kick you in the balls, and in about 6 months to a year, it would become less painful." I think he might be starting to get it a little bit.

[elephantmeg]

the best lubricant I found was one called gun oil. We got it at amazon.com. Vagisil etc hurt for some reason. Once DD wasn't nursing things got back to normal and now are better than ever somehow. Wine is def helpful too!!! But I absolutely reccomend gun oil

[daisymommy]

Thanks, Ladies! I told DH that we just had to try more and he got all excited and can't understand why I am not ecstatic about this plan. So I had to explain to him "Imagine if I told you that several times a week, I was going to kick you in the balls, and in about 6 months to a year, it would become less painful." I think he might be starting to get it a little bit.

:rotflmao:

[MamaMolly]

I appreciate this very timely post! After DD1 (vag birth with 1st degree tear) I was scared IT would hurt but was fine. This time around (again, vag birth but with a 2nd degree tear in a different spot) it is MUCH more painful. Glad to know that it is normal, if uncomfortable.

Any recommendations on where to get coconut oil?

[lizzywednesday]

There are some great lubes available at Toys in Babeland (http://www.babeland.com) but be advised that not all are compatible with condoms.

They have one that's a coconut oil based lube ... I bought it for my DH because he was using my (very expensive to me) good moisturizing balm for some solo action and that really ticked me off because I thought we had plenty of lube in the house. It's expensive, but it's great. It might be Gun Oil, IIRC, but I don't remember exactly. I don't usually order from them because I like to go to the store in person with girlfriends.

KEEP IN MIND most oil-based lubes are not condom-compatible because the oil breaks down the latex, which reduces its ability to prevent pregnancy & STDs. (OK, most of us in committed relationships would like to think that we have very little risk of STDs if we trust our partners, but I really think that it merits saying.)

[Katigre]

Any recommendations on where to get coconut oil?
I like Nutiva and Spectrum, they both seem like high quality - you can get it at the grocery store or natural foods store, just make sure it's extra virgin coconut oil (it will be a white solid - but it melts at body temperature so if you rub your fingers on it it turns liquid).

[Myira]

I actually had pain with intercourse and penetration before DDs birth and had also lost my sex drive. I would be dreading it and bracing for pain. We did not attempt at 6 months PP, much later than that, but now I actually have no pain.

sorry to digress, but with oil, isn't there risk of it going rancid?

[Katigre]

sorry to digress, but with oil, isn't there risk of it going rancid?
Not with coconut oil :shrug:. I have never had it turn rancid (we use it in cooking as a butter replacement) nor has the little container in our bedroom turned rancid even after several years - it is a solid unless it comes in contact with skin or the temperature gets above 78 degrees. It is one of the most stable oils (is slow to oxidize and has a very high smoke point compared to other oils) so maybe that's why?

I first learned about it as lube from a woman who is now in her 50's and she's used it as a lubricant for decades - it's one of the most popular natural lubricants (google around). It really doesn't even compare to water-based lubes, it's so much slicker and more moisturizing.

[Myira]

gotta try coconut oil. I recently got a 2 pack of nutiva from amazon for $10. I was planning to use it for hair/head massage. Now I can try putting it to this use as well.

[daisymommy]

Hee-Hee, looking at my jar of Nutiva coconut oil sitting there lonely on my stove-top right now :wink2: