Obsessing about children getting hurt (warning: sensitive topic)

[goldenpig]

Ever since I had kids, I've always been upset by news stories about children dying from some freak accident. It really affects me and I start to obsess about how this could happen to my children. So many dangers out there in the world! Like the falling tree branch that killed a 6 month old in a NY zoo a few days ago, while she and her mom were posing for a picture. That poor family! I couldn't stop thinking about that the whole time we were hiking in the woods (and posing for pictures) this weekend. Or the stories about kids getting left in cars (that Washington Post article was so hard to read). Or the kids who get kidnapped, or drown, or choke on balloons or hot dogs or grapes, or who suffocate in their cribs or in window blind cords, or the kids who died when the dresser they were climbing on fell on them, or the toddler who turned on the washing machine with his sister inside, or the girl who slipped and fell off the Golden Gate Bridge. So many accidents (some more improbable than others), yet I can't help reading about this stuff on the internet and trying to fathom how their family must be feeling after losing their little one. Part of it may just be morbid curiosity, but part of it is (I think) I'm trying to learn every way in which a child could possibly be harmed so I can try to avoid it. So I try my best to do things like extended rear-facing and enrolling her in survival swim lessons and cutting up her food and getting cordless blinds, but there's only so much I can do. It's even worse when it's someone I know. I feel like at every stage I'm at, there's someone with a horrific story to share. When I was pregnant and near term, a co-worker told me about her full term stillbirth, and I found out another coworker's first child had died of SIDS the night they brought him home. Then when we had DD, DH's coworker had a baby at the same hospital at the same time, but he died at one week old of neonatal sepsis (this one still haunts me). When DD was 4 months old, my sister told me that her friend's 4 month old died of SIDS. And so on. I feel like we narrowly escaped disaster and it could very well have been us. I don't know why I get so affected over this stuff. It's such a weird obsession. I never used to be such a worrywart before I had kids, but now that they're here I don't want anything bad to ever happen to them. And it feels so out of my control. I used to tease DH for being such an obsessive worrier, but now I've become one just like him! Sorry for the rambling...just wanted to vent a little. Don't know if anyone feels this way too.

[sgmango]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I feel EXACTLY the same way as you, and it's awful. I hate worrying so much, and I don't know anyone else who feels like this! I can't stand to watch certain movies where I know bad things happen to parents/children (Raising Helen, and even Ice Age!!) because it's just so painful to imagine.

[avd3875]

I completely understand everything you wrote. I have no words of wisdom, just my thought that it is probably much more common (especially in moms) than we realize.

Thanks for posting. Now I know I'm not the only one!

[new_mommy25]

:hug: You're not alone. I am the same way. I am very easily affected by things I hear. I worry about my children all.the.time, and I fret about my own health as well (because I don't want my children to grow up without a mother or father). It's very difficult for me to watch the news at times, or movies where children are being hurt/abused. Sometimes I just stare at my kids and think of how fragile they really are. I'm the crazy mother who, when my DS had a carnival at summer fun the other day, reminded him to sit while eating popcorn, and only one kernel at a time. And as he was exiting the car I said, "Or better yet, maybe just don't eat the popcorn and get a cotton candy instead." Yes, I worry about everything. The poor little boy in Oregon who is missing has really had me upset the past few weeks. He's the same age as my boy and I just want him found! You send your child to school trusting that they will be safe but you never really know. Anyway, I completely understand what you are saying.

[american_mama]

I do not know if I should post. I'm a mother, so your post started to raise my heart rate a little the more I read, but I am also not a worrier, come from a family of non-worriers (I'm sure there is a nature and nurture component to who worries). So, if hearing from a non-worrier can help, I'll share some of my thought processes:

1. Rare events are rare, and it's why we pay attention to them because they are so attention-getting. The chances of these terrible, unusual things happen are so slim. I repeat that to myself. Remember that video that made the Internet rounds about the child who was thrown from his booster seat and died because his seatbelt failed? I had never in my life considered that a seatbelt could fail, but I remind myself how incredibly rare that event must be.

2. You follow reasonable precautions and do what you can. So, I follow most car seat advice here, I walked around within 4 feet of my toddler all day long at a pool party over Memorial Day, I keep cleaners in inconvenient locations so they are out of kid reach. But I do not worry about where the cleaning agents are (or the vitamins or medications or whether the furniture is tethered) at every house my children visit because that seems unreasonable to me. I do not try to do everything because I can't do everything. I figure out what I can do and maintain sanity, and I do that.

3. I acknowledge how little I control things. All the worry in the world would not have kept that tree branch from falling on that little child in your posting, and no preparation would either... no safety advice would ever tell a parent not to pose for a photo if you were close to a tree. Some things we simply have no control over, and you have to repeat that to yourself, again and again, until it is no longer so scary. I live in a neighborhood of big oak trees, and many have fallen on houses in our neighborhood in just the 5 years we've lived here. I cannot control if that happens.

4. You remind yourself of your abilities to cope. If my child was in danger, I can run, call 911, get help from a stranger, perform CPR or first aid, race to the hospital, whatever. My girls are scared of a tree falling on our house, and I can't say that will never happen. I tell them it is extremely unusual, that before we moved here I'd never once seen a tree or branch fall on a house, that nobody in our neighborhood has been hurt from the falling brnaches, and that if a tree fell, Daddy and I know how to take care of things and fix it. It's a simple message to remind ourselves of as well.

5. Un-reasonable worry is destructive, but reasonable worry is worth paying attention to. We have a china cabinet with a tall hutch that just sits on the bottom part, unsecured, and it wobbles when the kids run in the house. So we tell them not to run and point to the wobbly hutch. We would like to secure it in some way, but haven't and maybe our worry needs to kick up a notch so that we act on that reasonable worry.

6. Don't pay too much attention to negative stories. Definitely don't seek them out and if you feel yourself getting drawn into it anyway, remove yourself... stop reading, change the channel, or walk away from the naysayer. (BTW, no one should ever talk to a pregnant woman about stillbirth or newborn death, and if someone does, you should just excuse yourself without apology.) I do not know this branch-falling-on-baby story, and I am going to have to stop myself from googling it, especially right before bedtime where I might dream about it.

7. Focus on the day-to-day. I am more concerned about the behavioral problem of my kids chasing each other in the house, often as a way to make the other mad, than I am about the danger of the china cabinet and hutch potentially falling on them. The wildness and the teasing is the immediate problem, not the safety. When we're at the pool, enforcing the rules... no running, no splashing, stay out of the pool during breaktime... those everyday things consume most of my attention, not the fear that one of them might drown. It helps put the focus on the immediate problems, not the imagined ones.

I don't know if this is helpful or just a repetition of cliches. But it is possible to be a mother and not be a worrier.

[oneontheway]

I soooo understand. I am a total worry wart and have been since I had my first child. Before that I never even thought twice about things. We often fly and all I can think about is how am I going to save both of my kids by myself if something happens. Even though I realize the chances are so small and if something did happen there wouldn't be time for saving. Granted I don't let it stop us from travelling but I still agonize over it as silly as it seems to most people.

[egoldber]

I agree with american_mama. You do what you can and leave the rest. One of the best things a therapist ever taught me was the difference between productive and non-productive worry. Learning to separate those helps me a lot. Not that I am always successful at it! But it definitely helps me.

This is also the main reason I simply do not watch TV news. There is so little actual news and a total focus on odd, freak events that are incredibly unlikely. It really does distort your perception of the likelihood of these type of things happening.

Taken to an extreme, this is part GAD (generalized anxiety disroder). If you feel like you worry about these things to an extent that it impairs your happiness, I would consider finding someone to talk to.

[pinkmomagain]

I am pretty much a non-worrier surrounded by anxious worriers in my little, immediate family. I agree with avoiding news stories if possible. Distraction is important too. I find the big difference between me and my worriers is that while I'll have a concerning thought pop into my head, I can pretty easily "change the channel." My worriers need help changing the channel. So when their record gets stuck in a worrying groove (switching metaphors here), I help them out by picking up the needle and placing it elsewhere. Not by reasoning out their fears, but by completely changing the subject/focus.

While I take reasonable precautions to avoid more common threats (carseats, swimming lessons, pool covers, etc.), I accept the fact that this is a chaotic existence we live, and I have limited control over what happens to me or my loved ones.

[BabyMine]

When M was in the PICU following a surgery he coded and we almost lost him. I realized then that as a parent I don't have total control/power over my child.

The bad part is that it never occured to me that I couldn't fix everything and that I had control over what happens to my child.

It bothered me for the longest time but I realized that I can't keep M in a bubble. Nor can I let this fear control me so that I don't give him a happy and anxiety free mommy.

When you love someone so much it is hard to ever think that something bad could happen to them. Luckily it is rare and we all do everything we can to provent it. If we dwell on it then we take a little bit of ourselves from the ones we love. Don't let your fear do that.

You might want to take a break from reading/watching those kind of stories for awhile. They can be very draining and don't show all the other happy, healthy, and safe children like your own.

[daisymommy]

Taken to an extreme, this is part GAD (generalized anxiety disroder). If you feel like you worry about these things to an extent that it impairs your happiness, I would consider finding someone to talk to.

:yeahthat: My MIL is this way. She is always on edge, because she is constintly worried about something bad happening. She is almost never happy. It has finally taken therapy and anxiety medication to deal with it. But it made a huge impact on DH who to this day still fights to keep those feelings and thoughts at bay.

FWIW...I really get this way when I'm pregnant, preparing for the new baby. It makes me think a lot of this is hormonal and a chemical imbalance.

[mommylamb]

Stories like the ones you describe are so upsetting, and I find myself much more upset by them now that I'm a mom than I ever would have been before I had DS. Even certain books can be difficult for me to read. For example, I read the Kite Runner before I had DS. Though, wow, that's so sad. I read A Thousand Splended Suns after DS and I had to keep putting the book down because it upset me so much to empathise with the character who had the two children (I can't remember her name).

But I agree with american_mama on this one about trying to worry about and do something about the things you can control and taking reasonable precautions. In a lot of ways, I think this board can be unhealthy for people who are prone to worrying because you hear a lot of stories and a lot of folks on this board are very protective (often in a good way, but much more so than the people I know IRL). I think if you're a worrier by nature, some of the posts here probably just add to that.

Now yes, I'm still splitting DS's hot dogs down the middle and I cut his grapes in half (I think my IRL friends think I'm nuts) and next time around I will RF for a lot longer than I did with DS (and I RFed him longer than anyone I know IRL), and I have a hell of a lot of life insurance for myself, but those are all practical things I can do that might help to keep him safe in realistic dangerous situations. But, you can't keep you child away from every tree branch that might fall on him, and you would do a disservice to him if you tried.

There are all sorts of horror stories out there-- trust me, the things I heard when I was pregnant about birth experiences are not things I would ever repost here because I don't want to unnecessarily worry any of the pregnant moms to be here-- but you have to try to put it in perspective and do what you can to keep your family safe.

[goldenpig]

Thanks everyone. All very sound advice. The funny thing is, I am such a total non-worrier about everything else. I am a glass half full type person and DH is a glass half (or nearly) empty person. (MIL is also a worrier like him so maybe it's genetic). He does things like point out new cracks in the ceiling or creaks in the floorboards and says that our house is falling apart. I'm always telling him to stop worrying so much, that worrying about something won't make a difference in whether it happens or not. He says I don't worry enough about big things, like the fact that we bought at the peak of the market and that we're currently upside down on the mortgage. I think that as long as we can afford the mortgage it'll be OK eventually, and what can we really do about it now anyways? He's always talking about how bad our life is (how stressful his job is and worries about the house and financial worries) and I'm always reminding him how great it is (two wonderful healthy kids, we're both employed at good jobs, have a house and two cars, etc.)

So this particular worry is just something I think that stems from being a mom. I do agree that it tends to get worse at certain times like right before I had DC#2 so maybe it is hormonal. The good thing is, it doesn't stop me from living life with them. I remember when I found out about the baby who died of infection. DD was a couple weeks old and there was this event to join the local mom's group. I agonized for days about whether to go because it would be exposing DD to possible germs. I went anyways and now it seems silly that I worried so much about it. And yes I do think the internet (and even this board) doesn't help in the sense it can add fuel to that worry. At least I have found out things here that are helpful, like extended rear-facing!

[luckytwenty]

I totally understand how you feel. I tend to worry less about the rare/unlikely things, and react very emotionally to stories in the news that I wouldn't have been that upset by before. Or if I'm in Walmart and see some woman walloping her toddler for not staying still in the shopping cart, I will get extremely upset...and if my own child is with me I will stop what I'm doing and hug him or her. Every time I read a book or see a movie where something disturbing happens to a child, I have the same reaction.

I do try not to be overbearing though--I do what I can within reason, of course, in terms of safety--because I do see that children who are "hovered over" seem to be clingier and more nervous than kids whose parents are a bit more laid back. That's the flip side about wanting to protect against every conceivable ill--you could end up making your child fearful, and that would be a bad thing, too. (not as bad as bodily harm, but more likely.)

[ncat]

Rationally I know that all of these things are unlikely to happen. But, I have great difficulty thinking about how life would go on if something did happen to one of my children.

[maestramommy]

I think that so much gets reported these days it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Also, when reading these stories it's important to differentiate between events that could've been prevented (like leaving your child in a car), those that might've been prevented, but it's a tricky call (like choking), and freak accidents that could've happened to anybody (like the branch falling at the zoo). For the first, you do what you need to in ensure it doesn't happen to you. For the second, you can take any number of steps and how far you take it can depend on your comfort level. For the last, well that's tough, because there's really nothing you can do. At the same time I think freak accidents are rare enough that it's not really worth worrying about. Not to say I never do myself:p:hug:

[secchick]

I tend to take the accident stories as precautionary measures to the extent they are preventable. For example, we opted for an HE top loader with no agitator instead of a front loader because of the story you mentioned.

The stories that really really upset me are the ones about children who are abused or denied care or killed. Riley Ann Sawyers (Baby Grace) was a local case here and she looked very much like DD. They were very close in age. I just agonize about what these beautiful children experienced at the hands of those who were supposed to love and care for them. Not understanding why they are being hurt. I actually have to avoid new stories now. I read part of one story about the first day of testimony for the Baby Grace trial and I almost lost it. I literally had to swear off all local news on tv, radio and internet until the it was over. There are too many of these stories.

[graciebellesmomma]

Here's what I can tell you. Bad things do happen. Rarely, but they do happen. I know this first hand, unfortunately. Some of you know that my 18 year old son was killed by a drunk driver. Before he was killed, I had no fear, no worries. I never thought that such a horrible thing could happen to my child. Not even a flicker of fear, to be honest. Ignorance was such bliss. I no longer watch the news, read the news or watch/ read things that are tragic. I feel no need to do that to my fragile psyche. Who needs that?

My advice is to live each and every day to the fullest. Live life, love life, soak it all in. Knowing that I did that with my son is the only thing that keeps me going some days. We had a wonderful, fun, love filled life. We told each other we loved each other more than once a day. When my son died, in my crazy grief, I asked my husband if he thought that my son knew that I loved him. My husband told me that my son and I told each other that we loved each other more in one day than he and his Mom did in his entire life. Love your kids, enjoy your kids, don't sweat the small stuff. Know that a bike ride around the neighborhood is far more important than sweeping the kitchen floor. Take mental health days and explore the area that you live in. Wake them up to watch amazing lightning displays. Live your life with as few regrets as possible. That is how you WILL survive if something tragic happens.

That all being said, I worry constantly abour my 7 yr old daughter. I check on her twice a night. I have to squash down the fear constantly. It sucks. I am so full of fear. I work with a therapist, but really, it's a waste of time. My reality is that I know that people die, even kids and that scares the crap out of me. Daily. I just have to self talk and move forward. I don't let it impact what she wants to do. She is fearless and I encourage her to live her life that way. I don't want her to feel my fear and I think that I do a darn good job of hiding it from her.

[happy2bamom]

I've gone on zoloft a couple of times when my anxiety seems to get out of control. I just don't like thinking in worst case scenarios all the time with my kids. It is emotionally exhausting. The zoloft seems to help me.

[graciebellesmomma]

I wanted to add, it's called Catastrophic Thinking and it really is helped by anti- anxiety meds. I took them while it was really impacting my life and paralyzing me.

Apparently, it's also a common symptom in people with thyroid issues.
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art41017.asp

[oneontheway]

My heart goes out to you. Thank you for the valuable insight, I will remember it.



Here's what I can tell you. Bad things do happen. Rarely, but they do happen. I know this first hand, unfortunately. Some of you know that my 18 year old son was killed by a drunk driver. Before he was killed, I had no fear, no worries. I never thought that such a horrible thing could happen to my child. Not even a flicker of fear, to be honest. Ignorance was such bliss. I no longer watch the news, read the news or watch/ read things that are tragic. I feel no need to do that to my fragile psyche. Who needs that?

My advice is to live each and every day to the fullest. Live life, love life, soak it all in. Knowing that I did that with my son is the only thing that keeps me going some days. We had a wonderful, fun, love filled life. We told each other we loved each other more than once a day. When my son died, in my crazy grief, I asked my husband if he thought that my son knew that I loved him. My husband told me that my son and I told each other that we loved each other more in one day than he and his Mom did in his entire life. Love your kids, enjoy your kids, don't sweat the small stuff. Know that a bike ride around the neighborhood is far more important than sweeping the kitchen floor. Take mental health days and explore the area that you live in. Wake them up to watch amazing lightning displays. Live your life with as few regrets as possible. That is how you WILL survive if something tragic happens.

That all being said, I worry constantly abour my 7 yr old daughter. I check on her twice a night. I have to squash down the fear constantly. It sucks. I am so full of fear. I work with a therapist, but really, it's a waste of time. My reality is that I know that people die, even kids and that scares the crap out of me. Daily. I just have to self talk and move forward. I don't let it impact what she wants to do. She is fearless and I encourage her to live her life that way. I don't want her to feel my fear and I think that I do a darn good job of hiding it from her.

[Sweetum]

I completely agree with american_mama. I'm a little bit of a worrier too and I sometimes wake DH up in the middle of night and say things like, "I wish I had done this..." or "do you think we are doing the right thing for him?" etc. But again, life is about learning and learning comes from a taking some amount of risk. A child who is beginning to learn to walk is risking falling down, but he still does it. And trust me, my child is a worrier more than I am, but he's learnt to walk! But coming back to you/me worrying, remember that for every incident you read about, esp those that no one was responsible for, there are thousands of kids who are safe, who grew up to be adults, and have lived a full life. It's great that you are doing whatever you can, and think is in your control.

[ewpmsw]

One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with as a mom is how little I can control what happens to my DC's, especially in regard to safety and trusting other people who care for them. I try not to be over-protective and try not to let my worries keep DD from doing things I know are fun and good for her (like seeing her grandparents out of town, without DH and I). The news stories and realities are still pretty overwhelming at times. Hearing a tragic story breaks my heart for the people involved. I have to remind myself that we can't protect them all the time, can't stop living life in order to keep them safe, and pray for the people impacted by tragedy. I'm not a particularly religious person, but offering up a prayer does help me to feel like there is SOMETHING I can do when sadness, fear and anxiety start to rise up.

[goldenpig]

Rationally I know that all of these things are unlikely to happen. But, I have great difficulty thinking about how life would go on if something did happen to one of my children.

:yeahthat:
This is exactly it. I know these fears are irrational but sometimes I can't help worrying anyways. I guess it's a little insight into the way DH's mind works...he was a worrier even before we had kids.

Graciebellesmomma, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I will take your words to heart. I feel so lucky every day that I have with my kids and DH. Even the days when DH is moody and DD's throwing tantrums and running away from/not listening to us and DS's screaming his head off whenever we take him out in the carseat or try to feed him a bottle. I couldn't imagine not having them around.