Ok, I'm just going to say it...

[gatorsmom]

...I don't want my ILs to come. Oh, they are coming, there is nothing I can do to stop that. They are heading up here to Minnesota to spend a week here at our house as I type. But I'm already stressed about cooking for 6 adults and 7 kids under the age of 14. Plus, my ILs are screwed up. There, I just said it. They had screwed up child hoods and they can't communicate without playing emotional and mental games. I hate that crap. Whenever MIL tries that with me, I dont' play her games. I just call her out. And she HATES that. But I don't have time for your passessive-agressiveness and guilt trips. And I really don't like when you try to tell me how to run my house in your judgmental, fakey meek way. And I hate how you come in and make changes to MY house and MY routine.

But most of all, I hate how both of you turn DH into a defensive, sarcastic little boy. Every time they are around, DH changes. I can see it- he feels like he has to cut others down in order to maintain his dignity. And he becomes super defensive. So, we argue. It happens everytime his parents are around.

All I can say is, they'd better WATCH OUT. Because I"m tired, stressed and dieting. And this time if they screw with me, i might not be able to stop myself before I tell them off. I just want it to be over.

[elektra]

Ugh. Hoping you can make it through the visit without anyone getting hurt!

[bnme]

:hug:
Just having house guests is stressful enough, who needs screwed uo ones. Hope the visit flies by.

[WatchingThemGrow]

OH, the fakey, meek way... I know that one!!! Just survived a week with a relative doing that. You can too!!! Go Lisa! :cheerleader1:

[JBaxter]

Hang in there.... do ya drink :D ?

[WolfpackMom]

Oh good luck, I hope its quick and painless! I can't imagine having to be in the same house as my ILs for a whole week, seeing them for a few hours everyother week is enough, ack!

[mmommy]

You described my in-laws and how my husband changes around them to a T. One of the reasons I love living in the city is that we can't afford an apartment big enough for them to stay with us more than 1 night. Limiting the exposure is key.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[TwinFoxes]

Fakey-meek, what an awesome description, and what a nightmare to deal with. I hate that crap. Sending good vibes your way.

[hillview]

Yikes. Sorry to hear. Good luck! Sending twisty straws your way.
/hillary

[boolady]

... they can't communicate without playing emotional and mental games. I hate that crap.

But most of all, I hate how both of you turn DH into a defensive, sarcastic little boy. Every time they are around, DH changes. I can see it- he feels like he has to cut others down in order to maintain his dignity. And he becomes super defensive. So, we argue. It happens everytime his parents are around.

These are my exact problems with my FIL, and I know it stinks. I'm sorry. My DH is generally a really, really nice, good guy, but I don't like what my FIL brings out in him, as everything happens just as you say-- he cuts on my DH, who is embarassed and gets defensive and starts to cut others down because he is constantly being cut down. Seriously...my FIL will bring up how poorly my 42 y/o DH did on a trip to the batting cages when he was 9 and laugh at him in front of extended family and stupid, stupid things like that which I find to just be mean and spiteful and unnecessary. And for those who haven't experienced it, no, it's not in a joking way.

Good luck. I am also the caller-outer. :) I have found that although he can't stand it, it also tends to make him back off for a while.

[DrSally]

[QUOTE=gatorsmom;2772148
All I can say is, they'd better WATCH OUT. Because I"m tired, stressed and dieting. And this time if they screw with me, i might not be able to stop myself before I tell them off. I just want it to be over.[/QUOTE]

:yeahthat: Feel free to come here and vent! I hope it goes smoothly though.

[edurnemk]

I could've written this myself... I hope the visit is not as terrible as anticipated, and make them help around the house!

Good luck

[gatorsmom]

Hang in there.... do ya drink :D ?

It would probably be a good time to start, wouldn't it?:p

[gatorsmom]

These are my exact problems with my FIL, and I know it stinks. I'm sorry. My DH is generally a really, really nice, good guy, but I don't like what my FIL brings out in him, as everything happens just as you say-- he cuts on my DH, who is embarassed and gets defensive and starts to cut others down because he is constantly being cut down. Seriously...my FIL will bring up how poorly my 42 y/o DH did on a trip to the batting cages when he was 9 and laugh at him in front of extended family and stupid, stupid things like that which I find to just be mean and spiteful and unnecessary. And for those who haven't experienced it, no, it's not in a joking way.

Good luck. I am also the caller-outer. :) I have found that although he can't stand it, it also tends to make him back off for a while.

This is exactly the problem. Exactly. And my FIL does the SAME CRAP. But, being the big mouth that I am, I step right in and end it quick. I can't stand bullies, never could and THAT in my book is bullying. And you are right, calling him out makes him back off. It's actually kind of fun to see- no one else in the family has the guts to stand up to FIL like I do. I kind of introduce a new dynamic into the usual routine. After I put hiim back in place everyone just stands there open-mouthed. Except my SIL (one who married into the family. She married DH's brother). She looks at me, grins and smothers a chuckle.

I just wished it didn't have to happen at all and that I didn't have to be on guard.

[JBaxter]

It would probably be a good time to start, wouldn't it?:p

Momma's special coffee ( with bailey's)

[California]

Thought about sending you a private message but will just put it out here in case anyone else is helped by it. This is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth: the dynamic here is that your DH is returning to childhood internally and responding the way that he felt he had to in the past. So maybe ask him to take a deep breath and really look you in the eye to realize who he's talking to right now. Ask him if he needs a moment to refocus and remember that it's you, the noncritical supportive love of his life, that he's talking to. If you can, stay in touch with him by putting a hand on his arm, etc. before he gets sarcastic to keep reminding him that you are a team. Maybe go for a walk together, a bike ride, sit in the car for a moment-- whatever it takes to keep him in the here and now.

This worked for me... and I was the one who got difficult, not DH :)

[boolady]

This is exactly the problem. Exactly. And my FIL does the SAME CRAP. But, being the big mouth that I am, I step right in and end it quick. I can't stand bullies, never could and THAT in my book is bullying. And you are right, calling him out makes him back off. It's actually kind of fun to see- no one else in the family has the guts to stand up to FIL like I do. I kind of introduce a new dynamic into the usual routine. After I put hiim back in place everyone just stands there open-mouthed. Except my SIL (one who married into the family. She married DH's brother). She looks at me, grins and smothers a chuckle.

I just wished it didn't have to happen at all and that I didn't have to be on guard.

This sounds exactly like what happens with DH's family, right down to my SIL! She tends to roll with it a bit better than I do, but she and I always exchange our looks of mutual sympathy. She did let him have it at Christmas, though, when they announced they were expecting their second child, and his response (in front of about 20 extended family members) was to loudly say that this time they'd better choose a better name. She just looked at him and said, "Boy you are a piece of WORK!" Ha! He has since presented them with his short list of "acceptable" names since their son's name is, in his opinion, so terrible.

Good luck, Lisa. I don't envy you. My FIL is fairly close by, so at least my doses of him are fairly small. I'll be sympathizing with you in spirit.

[MamaMolly]

It would probably be a good time to start, wouldn't it?:p

Do THEY drink? You might need to make a run to the liquor store. Think of it as a preemptive strike.

[gatorsmom]

Thought about sending you a private message but will just put it out here in case anyone else is helped by it. This is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth: the dynamic here is that your DH is returning to childhood internally and responding the way that he felt he had to in the past. So maybe ask him to take a deep breath and really look you in the eye to realize who he's talking to right now. Ask him if he needs a moment to refocus and remember that it's you, the noncritical supportive love of his life, that he's talking to. If you can, stay in touch with him by putting a hand on his arm, etc. before he gets sarcastic to keep reminding him that you are a team. Maybe go for a walk together, a bike ride, sit in the car for a moment-- whatever it takes to keep him in the here and now.

This worked for me... and I was the one who got difficult, not DH :)



This is really good advice and honestly, I do this with DH at the end of the day when we are alone. And he agrees. But then, the next day he just gets sucked into it again. The whole visit becomes such an emotional push and pulling mess. Me trying to tenderly remind him that he doesn't have to get sucked into that, me watching as he helplessly gets sucked in, me watching as he feels guilty and hurt and defensive, me trying not to take anything personally, me trying to prevent the kids from seeing all the tension, me trying to beat back down my FIL (and have I mentioned that FIL is a very tall, very loud, very charming Senior Executive at a very large corporation? He knows exactly how to dish out the crap and do it in a way that makes you doubt yourself and wonder what just happened. He can be a very intimidating figure, and a cunning opponent in this kind of situation. ) The whole visit will leave me confused, upset and exhausted.

I need a drink just thinking about it....

[ShanaMama]

Thought about sending you a private message but will just put it out here in case anyone else is helped by it. This is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth: the dynamic here is that your DH is returning to childhood internally and responding the way that he felt he had to in the past. So maybe ask him to take a deep breath and really look you in the eye to realize who he's talking to right now. Ask him if he needs a moment to refocus and remember that it's you, the noncritical supportive love of his life, that he's talking to. If you can, stay in touch with him by putting a hand on his arm, etc. before he gets sarcastic to keep reminding him that you are a team. Maybe go for a walk together, a bike ride, sit in the car for a moment-- whatever it takes to keep him in the here and now.

This worked for me... and I was the one who got difficult, not DH :)

This is excellent advice. DH & I both come from families with some disfunction in different ways. What helps us both is preparing ourselves beforehand and 'arming' ourselves with the knowledge that our spouse is on our team & not against us. This has really helped.
Lisa, this doesn't seem to make a difference to you, but I
greatly prefer hosting both my parents & inlaws over visiting them. This way they are on my turf, they are the guests, and I set the tone for interactions. they are less likely to pull their cr@p because that's just not the way we talk in this house.

[MamaSnoo]

Thought about sending you a private message but will just put it out here in case anyone else is helped by it. This is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth: the dynamic here is that your DH is returning to childhood internally and responding the way that he felt he had to in the past. So maybe ask him to take a deep breath and really look you in the eye to realize who he's talking to right now. Ask him if he needs a moment to refocus and remember that it's you, the noncritical supportive love of his life, that he's talking to. If you can, stay in touch with him by putting a hand on his arm, etc. before he gets sarcastic to keep reminding him that you are a team. Maybe go for a walk together, a bike ride, sit in the car for a moment-- whatever it takes to keep him in the here and now.

This worked for me... and I was the one who got difficult, not DH :)

Wow...I will have to remember this. We go through the same crap at our house with my MIL. The "fake meeky" is the worst. As is the fake "I don't need anything at all." DH becomes really difficult. Just shuts down and shuts me out, just like he does his family. I think your suggestions are really good.