Isn't DC2 special, too?

[MamaMolly]

This is more of an observation or musing than a BP. I was making up DD1's bed and saw her cute little personalized pillow case she got as a baby gift. It crossed my mind that the family member who gave this very sweet, original and thoughtful gift has not even acknowledged the birth of DD2. Nor have the ones on my side of the family that hand knit DD1 a little blanket. It made me kind of sad for her.

I was very careful last time to send a handwritten thank you note to everyone, so it isn't like they didn't know I appreciated their kindness.

Why is a second child not as celebrated as the first? It isn't about the gifts, DH's sister didn't even call for heaven's sake!

So what gives?

[ChefGirl]

I echo your concern. DS#1 got all sorts of gifts and $$ when he was born. DD got almost absolultely nothing....and I kept on getting comments about DD such as "oh, she's getting prettier now"! That really ticked me off....like, she was ugly before? These comments are from my MIL! Very annoying! DS#2 now all of sudden became FIL's so-called "favorite" grandson...okay, is DS#1 chopped liver now...ugh....I wish they wouldn't say those things in front of the kids...b/c DS#1 is old enough where he actually understands what people are saying....ugh....

[crl]

Hmm, we actually have gotten more family and friend of family presents for our second. I am trying to assume it is because she's a girl because I prefer that to assuming it's because ds was adopted from China as an older infant.

Either way, it doesn't feel great, does it?

Catherine

[KrisM]

I was guilty of doing the personalized thing for only the first a few times. I think it's because there was a baby shower involved. I knit baby blankets for those showers. For second kids, I bought a new baby gift, but it was about what I bought for a new baby gift for #1 - an outfit or something.

Now that I've been through it, I am much more aware and try to match first and second baby gifts better. I did get annoyed that I got a great personalized blanket for DS1 from an aunt and nothing like it for DD or DS2. Fortunately, it was purchased and I bought one for each of them so they'll all have something.

[luckytwenty]

That's funny, I almost always give something personalized/special for the second baby, because I buy off the registry or give some kind of "baby essential" for the first. Especially when the second is the same gender as the first.

My first got more gifts and more money, but my daughter got a ton of baby girl clothes and personalized items.

[arivecchi]

I was a bit bummed that my MIL did a huge party for DS1 and nada for DS2. :( Poor guy.

[naam]

My first two, both typically-developing boys received lots of presents, money, and matching personalized items. When my daughter (who just happens to have Down syndrome) came along, she received few gifts and money and NO personalized items from family and friends. DH and I were very hurt.

[LD92599]

We're going through this now, so we'll see what happens but i'm seeing the opposite already - tons of visitors are expected this afternoon yet we had 1 visitor (my mom) when DS1 was born! Oh wait and a co-worker of DHs too!

For DS2 we got a baby shower and stuffed piggy bank from an organization i've been part of since forever, yet for DS1, nothing from them, so you never know!

[WolfpackMom]

I was a bit bummed that my MIL did a huge party for DS1 and nada for DS2. :( Poor guy.


My first two, both typically-developing boys received lots of presents, money, and matching personalized items. When my daughter (who just happens to have Down syndrome) came along, she received few gifts and money and NO personalized items from family and friends. DH and I were very hurt.


I am sure thats hard to see your second or third being treated differently. But as far as a party and lots of gifts etc. I thought it was typical to just have a baby shower for your first baby because you're just getting started having kids so you wouldn't have a lot of items etc. I can see getting a present from family members or close friends for a second, or third, etc baby but I wouldn't really expect a lot from people even if they gave me a gift for DC #1. Maybe things are done differently depending on your locale or something.

[buddyleebaby]

When I told my mother in law I was pregnant with my third, she flat out ignored me. Didn't respond in any way.
SIL said "MIL, did you hear? She's pregnant!" and MIL said "I know. I don't want it."

I could have smacked her.

But I think, in most cases. it's just a practical matter. Second babies are less celebrated than first babies. It doesn't mean they are less loved (although I know it can feel that way). A first baby is a huge life changing experience, and everyone wants to celebrate your inauguration into parenthood, so to speak.

[crl]

My first two, both typically-developing boys received lots of presents, money, and matching personalized items. When my daughter (who just happens to have Down syndrome) came along, she received few gifts and money and NO personalized items from family and friends. DH and I were very hurt.

I'm so sorry.

Catherine

[Momof3Labs]

My second got maybe 12 cards, and maybe 6-8 gifts. My first was buried in cards, clothes, and other gifts. I felt bad for my second, honestly, as it seemed like he should be as celebrated as his older brother. I don't understand it, either.

[sarahsthreads]

My first two, both typically-developing boys received lots of presents, money, and matching personalized items. When my daughter (who just happens to have Down syndrome) came along, she received few gifts and money and NO personalized items from family and friends. DH and I were very hurt.

I'm hurt for you, too. :(

DD2 definitely did not get nearly so many gifts as DD1 did - I don't mean baby gear from a shower, but new baby gifts. Luckily, I didn't keep up a baby book for either of them, so down the road neither of them will know exactly who was given what by whom. But while she didn't get as many things, DD2 was not lacking for handmade, special gifts, as in between children I became a yarn shop owner and fell into a community of wonderful people who express their love in handcrafted things. :)

We actually have a problem in the other direction, which I imagine (hope?) is very common, where DD2 is in an absolutely cute, charming, easily-lovable stage, and DD1 is older and less...obviously cute and charming? That didn't come out right. But people go gaga over DD2's curls and dimples and just-turning-two personality and COMPLETELY ignore DD1. It makes me nuts. It also makes DD1 nuts and she does the equivalent of bouncing around and yelling "look at me look at me!" to try to get *any* attention from the adults who are gushing over her sister...which does not endear her to them. Sigh.

Sarah :)

[egoldber]

We actually have a problem in the other direction, which I imagine (hope?) is very common, where DD2 is in an absolutely cute, charming, easily-lovable stage, and DD1 is older and less...obviously cute and charming? That didn't come out right. But people go gaga over DD2's curls and dimples and just-turning-two personality and COMPLETELY ignore DD1. It makes me nuts. It also makes DD1 nuts and she does the equivalent of bouncing around and yelling "look at me look at me!" to try to get *any* attention from the adults who are gushing over her sister...which does not endear her to them. Sigh.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. My younger DD has a naturally bubbly engaging personality and is instantly adored by all. My older DD, not so much. She does the same thing where people ignore her and I hurt so badly for her. :(

[arivecchi]

I am sure thats hard to see your second or third being treated differently. But as far as a party and lots of gifts etc. I thought it was typical to just have a baby shower for your first baby because you're just getting started having kids so you wouldn't have a lot of items etc. I can see getting a present from family members or close friends for a second, or third, etc baby but I wouldn't really expect a lot from people even if they gave me a gift for DC #1. Maybe things are done differently depending on your locale or something. Mine was not a baby shower, just a party at her house to have people meet DS1. I think all the kids should be treated the same way - especially by their grandparents.

I do understand not having a full-blown baby shower for each kiddo though. :)

[MamaMolly]

My first two, both typically-developing boys received lots of presents, money, and matching personalized items. When my daughter (who just happens to have Down syndrome) came along, she received few gifts and money and NO personalized items from family and friends. DH and I were very hurt.

Owie. :( I'm sorry.

[WolfpackMom]

Mine was not a baby shower, just a party at her house to have people meet DS1. I think all the kids should be treated the same way - especially by their grandparents.

I do understand not having a full-blown baby shower for each kiddo though. :)

Oh I see, and I definitely understand the grandparents thing. DS was DH's parents 7th grandchild, pretty sure MIL could care less. She lives 15 minutes from us and saw him twice in his first month, once at the hospital 24 hrs after he was born, and once for about 30 mins 3 weeks later. Meanwhille she is over at SIL's house with her 5 kids multiple times a week, but thats a whole nother bag of worms...Boooo and :hug:

[ciw]

I thought it was typical to just have a baby shower for your first baby because you're just getting started having kids so you wouldn't have a lot of items etc. I can see getting a present from family members or close friends for a second, or third, etc baby but I wouldn't really expect a lot from people even if they gave me a gift for DC #1.

:yeahthat:
I guess it's a matter of perception. If I attend a baby shower during your first pregnancy and give you a large item of baby gear, I'm giving YOU that gift for not just the first baby but all your babies. Sorry, I think you can use an activity mat, car seat, stroller, pack and play, swing, etc. for more than your first child. I'm not giving the baby the gift -- I'm giving your family the gift in honor of the fact you're starting to have children and in appreciation of the fact that having kids is costly and there are things you'll need. It's not that I'm honoring the second child less, it's that I already gave a gift for all your kids -- the first one just got to use it first.
Now, if you're a very close friend or family member, I'll also send the new babies (both first babies and subsequent babies) smaller gifts (clothing and personalized items) when they're born too. But if you're a co-worker or acquaintance, I'm probably just sending a card the second time around. And I really don't see anything wrong with that.
I'd be upset if I had family members or friends who didn't acknowledge the birth of a child in any way -- a phone call, visit or card -- but I don't think every single person who gives a gift the first time around needs to give an equally priced gift the second time around. I also don't think you need to give a gift to celebrate a child. I like to give them but I don't think they're necessary. (OP, I'm not saying that you're saying this....it's just a sentiment I've heard both IRL and here).

[TwinFoxes]

There was an episode of "Scrubs" about this. Carla and Turk were expecting their second child, and no one cared. So someone asked Turk if it was his first and he lied and said yes, and got all of the congratulations and excitement he got with his first.

Meaning, I guess it's common! I can imagine it sucks though. Hopefully DD will never know. ;)

[luckytwenty]

See, I would never expect major baby GEAR (like the stuff you get at a baby shower) for subsequent kids, but how hard is it to send over a little toy or book or outfit? I base this on how I, as a friend/family member, respond to the birth of a new child, whether it's the 2nd, 4th or 5th. You can always spend $10-20 (or less!) and write a nice note just welcoming the baby into your circle of friends/family. I don't understand no gift at all. Are these people at least sending nice, thoughtful cards or hospital flowers or sending over food (which is actually better than a gift)?

[ha98ed14]

DS was DH's parents 7th grandchild, pretty sure MIL could care less. She lives 15 minutes from us and saw him twice in his first month, once at the hospital 24 hrs after he was born, and once for about 30 mins 3 weeks later. Meanwhille she is over at SIL's house with her 5 kids multiple times a week, but thats a whole nother bag of worms...

Oh I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. DD is the last of 5 grandkids, and the first 4 are SIL's. MIL LIVES at SIL's house from Sunday night through Wed/ Thurs, when she takes the train home. SIL would not be able to have 4 kids without MIL's aiding and abetting (oops! I mean "help"). Seriously. Time to stop reproducing if you can't take care of the ones you have... But that's one for the BP.

DH finally said something a couple months ago about MIL trying to spend more time with DD, so she has come a few times to our house to visit just with DD. Hoping it continues.

[citymama]

I've been feeling the same way too. Not that I am hankering for baby presents, but I don't want dd2 to feel any less loved when she's older. I've made a souvenir box for each girl with stuff from the hospital, footprints, newspaper from the day of their birth, congratulations cards, etc. Well, dd1s box is overflowing - we got armloads of cards and presents. For dd2s box we have the grand total of 5 cards. I think we just need to do that much more as parents to make sure our younger kids feel loved and wanted! Oh, and as a second kid myself, some advice: take lots of pics of dc2 - and not just those with older sibling holding the baby!

[ha98ed14]

My second got maybe 12 cards, and maybe 6-8 gifts. My first was buried in cards, clothes, and other gifts. I felt bad for my second, honestly, as it seemed like he should be as celebrated as his older brother. I don't understand it, either.

I think people are just "over" your family having kids. I know that sounds rude and insensitive, and I see how it is hurtful. But given people's busy lives, I think this is really what is going on. To be clear, I would hope Grandparents would NOT exhibit this behavior, but I can understand it on the part of extended family.

As a gift-giver, the gift is often to acknowledge the parents' transition from no kids to having kids, not really the baby him/herself, if that makes sense. When DC2.3.4 come along, in the eyes of outsiders, nothing has changed. You had kids. Now you have more kids. We're happy for you.

ETA: In other words, outside people are celebrating your rite of passage in becoming parents, while the parents are looking for a celebration of the individual child. That's why I think it is okay for extended relatives to have that attitude. But grandparents should acknowledge the individual child for sure.

[maestramommy]

I'm sorry your feel DD2 isn't as special to the people around you :hug: I know Arwyn didn't get as many of her own baby gifts, partly because she came so soon after Dora. Then we moved, so when Laurel was born she got a lot of gifts from new friends. But Arwyn has always been celebrated just as much at least from family members, so it's okay. I esp. think she has a special place in MIL's heart. In the last year she keeps calling her sweet Arwyn, because she keeps cuddling up in her lap. Dora's not as much a cuddler:p

[kdeunc]

[QUOTE=buddyleebaby;2772553]When I told my mother in law I was pregnant with my third, she flat out ignored me. Didn't respond in any way.
SIL said "MIL, did you hear? She's pregnant!" and MIL said "I know. I don't want it."

I could have smacked her. QUOTE]

I think I would have smacked her!:6: I guess it is a good thing she wasn't having "it"!


I definitely noticed less interest with each child. SIL was at the hospital when DS1 was born, shortly after DS2 and met DD when she was 4 months old. She lived the same distance for all three kids. It did make me a little sad for DS2 and DD that there were no "official celebrations" but I got over it! :wink2:

[Carrots]

I got more cards, than gifts, for dd2. I am actually fine with this because I don't have time to write Thank You notes :tongue5::bag.

(I will write them, but I need someone to watch the kids while I take some time to sit down to write meaningful notes.)

[gatorsmom]

Gator was spoiled rotten. It seemed that everyone in the world that we knew brought him a gift. And I got a lot of visitors in the hospital. Cha cha got a lot but not nearly the deluge Gator got. And 2 hospital visitors.

I really expected the twins, since they are the first twins for either side of our family, to be bombarded again. Particularly since one of the twins was a girl. But nope, no hospital visitors other than my dad and a lot less interest all around. I kinda wondered about that but frankly didn't give it much thought. Well, with the sleep deprivation of the twins, I couldn't give anything much thought. Except how to get more sleep. :)

I guess I'm just glad that as babies, they didn't know or care that how many gifts and visitors they had.

[LarsMal]

:hug: I'm sorry you feel like DD2 isn't getting the attention she deserves.

We experienced this a little bit with M. We had moved out of town and she was born on New Year's weekend. I only had one hospital visitor (which was actually kind of nice!), but NO ONE else came to see us, not even my parents. My mom did eventually come to help out, but M didn't get a whole lot of attention or acknowledgment. I thought it was partly because we had moved away and partly because she and L were only 16 months apart, so people felt like they had *just* given gifts and I/she didn't need anything.

C was worse, though. MIL came to "help" (HA!) me when C was about 10 days old. She brought all sorts of stuff for L&M, but nothing for C. She even said, "Well, she's the third. She couldn't possibly need anything." WTF! Who cares what she *needs*! She is your grandchild and you should at least acknowledge her birth! ugh...(oops, sorry, little hijack there!)