When the host takes off....

[Cuckoomamma]

I have a question which also happens to involve ILs. Dh's brother thinks nothing of just leaving the house to run errands when we've driven 2 hours to come visit. We'll arrive and 5-10 minutes later I'll ask dh where BIL is and he'll have no clue. Then SIL or someone will say that they think he ran out to Costco, Target, get gas, get coffee, whatever. I've always found this really weird, mostly because he doesn't say anything before he leaves. He just leaves.

BIL isn't antisocial. I really think that it's just the way that dh's family is. We don't see his parents anymore, but when we did, they could act like that at times, just not nearly as often.

Beginning last year, whenever we visit, the cousins take off and go next door to play with the nextdoor neighbor, leaving my girls at their house. Again, it doesn't seem like they overtly don't like the girls. They enjoy playing with them during the winter, but as soon as the weather is nice, they go nextdoor. Dh and I aren't comfortable with the girls going nextdoor and the neighbor kids have been really rude to the girls in the past when we went over with them. We also really don't want to spend our time at the neighbor's house in order to accompany the girls.

Last visit, dd9 told her cousin that she didn't want to go outside and play anymore because she didn't want to play over at the neighbor's. Cousin promised she just wanted to play outside with my girls. They went out and she promptly ran off next door. My girls hung out and played in BIL's yard, but it's really annoying to all of us.

We have another visit coming up, and I'm wondering if there's a better way to handle this than I've thought of. I just told the girls to plan on playing with each other, and if their cousins decide to stay home, they can all play together.

So, #1 Would you find this rude? The way I grew up, this is completely unheard of. #2 Is there anyway to make this less weird/awkward for my kids?

TIA

[newg]

This is kinda the way my Aunt/Uncle are........we'd drive 5+ hrs. to go see them and my cousins would have plans with friends........or some neighbor or friend would also be joining us for dinner/dessert. Unfortunately, it's the way they are and we' all learned to just look the other way....bring our own entertainment (books, games,.....) and only stay for short visits.

Now, when we visit DH's family his dad does pop in and out, does chores and stuff............but if he's going to Walmart for something, he usually asks if we want to come too or if we need anything. If it's a chore DH usually joins him to help out.

I grew up the way you did too......if you had guests over, you entertained and kept your guests company. It took my whole family a while to adjust to my Aunt and Uncles's ways..........which I guess helped me with how DH's family is.
You think it's rude (and I do too), but they think nothing of it.

[TwinFoxes]

For some reason the BIL leaving seems weird, but not quite as rude. But the thing with the cousins seems very rude to me, but rude on behalf of the parents. It's like they're expecting your DDs to go to a stranger's house to play. Whatever happened to blood is thicker than water? There's no way this would be acceptable in our family.

Maybe I think the BIL thing isn't rude because you're adults, and SIL is there, it could be a situation where he thinks "oh, it's family, they don't mind". It's not something I would do though.

Of course the other uncomfortable option is he and family doesn't like you. Do you guys get along? After a certain point I might start questioning why we were even bothering to go over.

[BabyBearsMom]

I think it is very rude. I don't really have advice, but I do have a similar situation. We will drive 90 minutes to go up to see MIL and she will want to run around and do 20 things with my DH (whenever we are there, she has a chore list for him a mile long...and he does her chores without complaint but never ours, but I guess that is for a different post). DD can't do that many stops without melting down, so the baby and I stay at her house. Then when it is time to leave, she is always like "oh, can't you stay over? I haven't had any time to see the baby!" In my head, I am always secretly thinking "well, if you want to see the baby, maybe you should plan to actually spend time with her during our visit." It's not like the day we visit is the only time she has, she was a SAHM, but has no kids left at home. But I hold my tongue. Secretly, I think she wants us to spend the night (FIL travels a lot and she gets lonely), so she tries to guilt us into it.

[momof2girls]

Yes I think it's very rude. I would think twice about visiting them. What is the point of driving all that way to visit if they just take off on you anyway?

[ewpmsw]

I can see having to run a last-minute errand when company comes. I can't imagine making plans for myself or DC's when out-of-town company visits, or letting DC's play with neighbors they can see anytime vs. cousins they see rarely. So far, it hasn't been an issue with any of our close family or IL's.

[ha98ed14]

#1, Yes, I find it rude, but I also understand. Sometimes a host does not get everything done before the guests arrive and need to make a run to the store. So, a few times, I guess I understand. But if it is a regular thing, then I think it is rude. I would certainly feel snubbed if every time I went to visit my relatives they promptly left the house after I arrived.

OTOH, sometimes hosts do need a break from their guests, particularly in-laws. Maybe they are taking a break? I don't mean this rudely, but if you have 9 children and came to visit me (dd9?), I would need a break too. Large numbers of children in small spaces make me nervous. Maybe they are fighting those kinds of feelings.



Last visit, dd9 told her cousin that she didn't want to go outside and play anymore because she didn't want to play over at the neighbor's. Cousin promised she just wanted to play outside with my girls. They went out and she promptly ran off next door. My girls hung out and played in BIL's yard, but it's really annoying to all of us.


#2) Given their pattern of behavior, I would think nothing of taking your kids to do something fun in the area where BIL&Fam live. After visiting for 2 hours, take DCs to do something for a few hours and then come back. There is no reason you need to keep your kids hostage to the DNs preferred playmates. Who knows, maybe DNs will want to go and it could be a big family outing. Maybe trying planning a kid-friendly outing with the InLaws prior to your arrival. Then there is an activity and spending time together might seem more natural. I do not spend my time sitting in my LR with people when they come to visit. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

[gatorsmom]

I don't have much experience with the ILs doing this but I will say that when I was little, my mom would take my brother and I to our cousin's house. My cousin and I used to play together a lot- Barbie dolls, board games, etc. But occasionally I'd bring a book with me. One summer in particular I was hooked on Nancy Drew. My cousin said to me one time when we were at her house, "my mom said I can go play with other friends if you are just going to read a book while you are here with us." I remember thinking I hadn't even thought that she would mind me reading a book. Our mothers would just sit in the kitchen drinking coffee and send us off to play. It never dawned on me that I was being rude.

So,, all that to say, maybe your daughters should bring some toys with them to play with each other while you are visiting. I wouldn't even count on the cousins to hang around. And if they do, well, then great.

[egoldber]

but if you have 9 children and came to visit me (dd9?),

She means her DD is 9. :)

We do need to run errands when guests are here. I guess I never thought about it being rude.

But we have a similar problem with the neighbor kids. When we visit my SIL, she has neighborhood kids who come over and play (uninvited, unannounced) and she does not mind. I find it rude and it does get very overwhelming for my kids and they often feel sad and left out of playing their cousins that they came to visit. It's more of a problem in the summer when the weather is nice. I am not sure what to do about it without making it into a "thing".

[Moneypenny]

Hmmm, my family is like this I think, but I've never thought of it as rude. Because we live far away, we are usually the ones doing the visiting rather than hosting, but whenever we visit, people just keep doing their thing with us there. I wouldn't expect them to stop their normal activities to entertain us. I do think the kids should hang out and play with their cousins most of the time, I guess, but errand running, house chores, etc, is perfectly fine by me. Otherwise we just all sit around staring at each other, which isn't much fun, lol!

[ha98ed14]

My cousin said to me one time when we were at her house, "my mom said I can go play with other friends if you are just going to read a book while you are here with us." I remember thinking I hadn't even thought that she would mind me reading a book.


This seems totally reasonable to me.

[gatorsmom]

This seems totally reasonable to me.

It seemed reasonable to me too and I was very embarrassed and sad that I had hurt her feelings by bringing a book with me instead of playing with her. I was just at an age where it hadn't occured to me. I didn't bring books with after that.

[egoldber]

And now I am worrying because my older DD will often self absorb in a book! When we visited my SIL at Hanukkah she was in the midst of the HP series and that was all she wanted to do! OTOH, she gets really bored there because all her cousins are much younger (age 3 and under) so there is little for her to do and all the toys are baby toys.

[ha98ed14]

She means her DD is 9. :)


:bag Sorry. I am used to that notation meaning the birth order not the age.

[TwinFoxes]

people just keep doing their thing with us there. I wouldn't expect them to stop their normal activities to entertain us.

This is what I was trying to say. Some people feel "oh it's family" and don't feel the need to "entertain", which I get.

I do think the cousins should play together though. :)

[ha98ed14]

And now I am worrying because my older DD will often self absorb in a book! When we visited my SIL at Hanukkah she was in the midst of the HP series and that was all she wanted to do! OTOH, she gets really bored there because all her cousins are much younger (age 3 and under) so there is little for her to do and all the toys are baby toys.

In this case, I think it is TOTALLY appropriate for S to bring a book. A will enjoy playing with her similar age cousins, but S is much beyond their level. I think this is very, very appropriate! You are fortunate because S will not be whining, "I'm boorrr-eeddd!" which is worse then being absorbed in a book because then you make the host feel like they are not doing enough to entertain their guests. It's a tough call when people visit for several days.

[kristenk]

I'm not all that bothered by BIL leaving to run errands. I'm assuming that you're visiting over the weekend and weekends are generally given over to errand-running in many families. I don't think it would bother me.

I don't think it's nice for the cousins to run off and play with their friends next door, though, when your kids are there. That doesn't seem right to me.

[gatorsmom]

In this case, I think it is TOTALLY appropriate for S to bring a book. A will enjoy playing with her similar age cousins, but S is much beyond their level. I think this is very, very appropriate! You are fortunate because S will not be whining, "I'm boorrr-eeddd!" which is worse then being absorbed in a book because then you make the host feel like they are not doing enough to entertain their guests. It's a tough call when people visit for several days.

:yeahthat: I totally agree. My cousin was 18 month older than me. It was a totally different story in my case.

[ha98ed14]

:yeahthat: I totally agree. My cousin was 18 month older than me. It was a totally different story in my case.

Lisa, I know you said you never fathomed it would hurt your cousin's feelings. Are you by any chance an only? I worry about DD having this issue. Lately I have had some issues about getting her to clue in to the fact that her actions have an impact on the feelings of others. I'm wondering if that is because there are no other DC in our house to be considerate of...

ETA: Obviously as an adult, you have learned these things. I didn't mean to imply you are a rude person.

[Dr C]

I agree with PP that it's not so weird for BIL to go run errands. We do that when we have company... though usually we'll ask if anybody wants to tag along. But maybe BIL is an introvert and needs some alone time. Anyway, that doesn't bother me because you have SIL there so it's not like he's leaving you alone.

I agree that cousins going next door to play is rude. One way to get around this without blatantly bringing it up with SIL/BIL would be to plan an activity for all the kids to do together. It could be in the house (cook something/art project/puzzle/etc) or outside (play in sprinkler/plant garden/family olympics/obstacle course/ball game/etc) or you could go somewhere as a family (park/festival/local museum/etc). If you would be at home it is possible the neighbor kids might join in--which might not be so bad... sometimes it's easier for kids who don't know each other well to play together when the activity is more organized. Yup, this kind of activity would be lots more work for the adults but you could think of it as a fun family time.

Good luck!

[gatorsmom]

Lisa, I know you said you never fathomed it would hurt your cousin's feelings. Are you by any chance an only? I worry about DD having this issue. Lately I have had some issues about getting her to clue in to the fact that her actions have an impact on the feelings of others. I'm wondering if that is because there are no other DC in our house to be considerate of...

.

Nope, I have a younger brother who I sometimes played with and sometimes we did our own things. it's probably because of our play relationship that I didn't think it would bother my cousin.

[hillview]

My MIL and SIL in UK have NOT BEEN HOME when we arrived TWICE. So in the scheme of things it is less rude than that :)

Yes where I come from that is rude. Maybe you could have them to your place? Or meet in another location? I think if BIL went somewhere a few hrs after you arrived it would be less rude. Also if he was running to get say your favorite beer b/c he forgot but a random errand seems less good. I think cousins should stick around for an hour or so at least -- as they get older longer than that would be hard.

/hillary

[Cuckoomamma]

:ROTFLMAO:, yes, Beth is right. My oldest is 9. I honestly don't think I'd be capable of visiting anyone with 9 kids. I wouldn't be able to get out the door!

As for BIL, it isn't the errands that I find rude, it's the disappearing without saying anything. There are times when he'll ask dh to go on a coffee run, and I look at that as a time for them to bond. But when we get there and he disappears 10 minutes later and doesn't come back for an hour, it's just weird to me. But, I'm willing to deal with that weirdness. Although, on a side note, what are we supposed to be doing if BIL is gone and SIL is hanging out in her bedroom and the kids are playing? Are we supposed to bring books? We only go to visit for 6 hours or so. It's a 12-6 or 1-7 type thing. We usually play with all the kids and then, dh and I sit and talk with each other. (This was in the winter when they didn't run next door).

But, I'm really asking about my kids. I think Beth put her finger on it. How do you alter the situation without making it a big deal? I mean, it is a big deal, but I don't want anyone getting huffy. But of course, that being said, we're getting a little huffy :)

I think that the idea of planning some activities is a good one. Sure, my initial reaction was a groan - here I go taking care of all 6 kids... but it beats having my kids feel really bad that their cousins are ditching them for the neighbors. And maybe we should limit our visits there to bday parties. We usually go back to the house after the party and then the kids disappear. I think you guys have nailed it with the Plan-An-Activity. Even if their kids disappear, my girls will still have a good time. At some point, I may tire on being the Activity Coordinator and will have to rethink how often we visit, but for now, you guys have really helped. Thanks!

And I appreciate all the points of view. As for reading a book, I think it's okay when the kids are younger...and maybe okay when they run next door to the neighbors!!! Maybe I'll have the girls bring some books to read, lol!

[american_mama]

I do find it rude, but I have relatives who do it. My BIL is very shy and finds social interactions awkward, and it's magnified the more visitors are there. He also doesn't really like my mom. So when we're there, he always is doing jobs in other parts of the house, or running errands away from home, or sometimes just silently upstairs on his computer away from the guests. And he never says where he's going (maybe he does quietly to his wife, maybe not) because, after all, he's not a talker.

DH is social, but I think he sometimes dislikes being around my family. We ask a lot of questions and it can be annoying, and I think DH sometimes just gets irritated and retreats to his computer or watching sports (which no one in my family cares about). As an aside, I had no idea my family came across that way (me included) until a roommate mentioned it when I was 28 years old and, while I was standing there completely puzzled, my other roommate confirmed it. I had no idea what they were talking about, but over the years I started to notice it.

Also, one person mentioned sometimes tasks didn't get finished before guests arrived, but if it's a pattern, it would make you wonder. Well, I am consistently and reliably behind schedule, so I would always have something I didn't get done. The pattern would be attributable to my failings, not my guests.

[bubbaray]

I do that when FIL/sMIL come to town, mainly b/c they drive me in-FREAKIN-sane and I need to get outta Dodge or go mental.

The other part of it is as PPs have said -- weekends and nights are when a lot of families do their errands, esp. if both parents WOTH. It really d/n matter if we have company or not -- the groceries need to be purchased, so either DH or I will have to do errands at some point on every weekend.

As for the neighbor kids issue, well, it seems like that won't change, so I would just take extra activities for your children or plan on doing an outting.

[fivi2]

honestly? I'd probably stop visiting. If/when they ask, I'd (without trying to sound snarky) say something like "oh, it felt like we were interfering" or something. But I am passive aggressive like that.

But if bil and sil are not around and their kids take off, then I fail to see the point of taking time out of your life to go over there.

More generally, I don't have an issue with a host running out to grab something, but in your case it sounds like it goes beyond that.