How would you repsond if someone said:

[LarsMal]

"But in his defense, YOU have not just worked an eight hour day."

That was MIL, with total disgust in her voice, responding to my JOKING around with DH that we must live in the "old days". MIL had been going on about how in the "old days" men would expect their meals to be ready and waiting for them when they got home from work and then leave their plates for their wife to clean. "Can you imagine that happening now?" was what she said before DH started making coughing sounds, knowing that he is like that now. I jokingly said, "Wow, I must live in the old days, because that's my house every night!"

She shot me a nasty look and made the comment. I thought DH's eyes were going to pop out of his head. Of course he didn't say anything to defend me. Can't say anything to his mom without her becoming the victim.

I was beyond peeved! I actually had to get up and leave the room before I said anything I might regret. I mean, I can see what she meant, but the disgust in her voice...ugh...and to top it off- she NEVER cooked! When she was home or when she worked, she didn't do it, and I doubt she cleaned it up either. FIL has always done the cooking.

I wanted to say, "You're right, I worked a 12 hour day, because DH has NEVER worked an 8 hour day. And actually, I worked a 24 hour day, because DH NEVER gets up with any of our kids." :angry-smiley-005:

I don't know, maybe I am just being overly sensitive because she has made comments to me in the past about not working/contributing financially...even though she didn't work for about five years.

[hillview]

Um I might have LOST IT. I'd FOR SURE have a chat with my DH about this. One thing if MIL is insane but he needs to either back you up here if possible or he ought to be FALLING over himself to tell you how WRONG she is :)

WOW. That is INSANE. She is SO SO wrong.
/hillary

[Twoboos]

I wanted to say, "You're right, I worked a 12 hour day, because DH has NEVER worked an 8 hour day. And actually, I worked a 24 hour day, because DH NEVER gets up with any of our kids." :angry-smiley-005:



:yeahthat:

This, or some variation, along with a dismissive laugh. "No, you're right, I work a 24hr day, still cleaning up after everyone, still up at night! Thanks for reminding me, time for my 15min break!" Get up, leave table and everything on it, remove self to bedroom/bathroom/study/far away place. (And preferable car and DRIVE away!)

As I constantly remind DH, we ALL live in this house together, we can all HELP OUT. (So I must live in the "old days" too, I now call him back to put his own dish in the dishwasher, not near it or next to it or in the sink, IN the dishwasher.)

MIL's. Where is that island for drop off again??

[g-mama]

Oh, I would be absolutely fuming. That is SO wrong, especially the way she said it with disgust in her voice. Her poor, poor son. Please.

And, btw, I must live in the "old days" too.

[dcmom2b3]

"Lighten up, Sally Serious! It was a joke . . . Is there something we need to discuss?" Or something double-edged like that. With a puzzled, concerned slight frown on my face.

Armchair psych here, but this is about her, not you. Your DH was the one who cued the joke, by coughing. There was no need to "defend" him, he was the one who started the shtick.

If she has cast barbs about your contributions before then of course you're sensitive, rightfully so. No reason to let her know it, though. And no reason to give her a window into any tensions between you and DH over household contributions. She'll only use it against you.

Hugs, Mama :hug::hug::hug:

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Um I might have LOST IT. I'd FOR SURE have a chat with my DH about this. One thing if MIL is insane but he needs to either back you up here if possible or he ought to be FALLING over himself to tell you how WRONG she is :)

WOW. That is INSANE. She is SO SO wrong.
/hillary

:yeahthat:

that is effed up.

[TwinFoxes]

I'd FOR SURE have a chat with my DH about this. One thing if MIL is insane but he needs to either back you up here if possible or he ought to be FALLING over himself to tell you how WRONG she is :)

WOW. That is INSANE. She is SO SO wrong.
/hillary

Definitely!


"Lighten up, Sally Serious! It was a joke . . . Is there something we need to discuss?" Or something double-edged like that. With a puzzled, concerned slight frown on my face.

If she has cast barbs about your contributions before then of course you're sensitive, rightfully so. No reason to let her know it, though. And no reason to give her a window into any tensions between you and DH over household contributions. She'll only use it against you.

Hugs, Mama :hug::hug::hug:

ITA, especially the highlighted part. I'm a firm believer in not giving people ammo. She's clearly psycho, no need to give her things to use against you. But boy would I let DH have it later!!!

[Melaine]

What the freak? I would have been really mad about that comment!

[gatorsmom]

Wow. I would have handed her her head. She would'nt have known what hit her.

Good for you for keeping your composure. So now are you going to give your DH a piece of your mind? Because that would be my next move.

[Twoboos]

BTW Julie - the last time my MIL was here, I was on the very last nerve with her within 20mins of her arrival, and for me the visit never improved. We had a major tear-filled-vows-to-never-return-questioning-of-my-ability-to-be-nice-at-all blow out.

And the day after she left, I got my period. So it was total PMS making me not deal with her well. Usually I can handle it/deflect her comments, but this time I could not AT ALL.

Just a PSA to check your calendar to see when AF is coming. :wink2: I don't mean this like, "Oh, she's probably nice and you have PMS," but more like, "If you're PMSing she's 1,000 times more irritating than usual!!"

It looks like you need this - :54:

[LarsMal]

DH knew how furious I was, but that I also know better than to argue with her. It definitely would have turned into a "That's not what I meant, no one understands me, everyone hates me...whoa is me..." moment with her. I haven't been on the receiving end of one of those yet, but the woman is always the victim and holds grudges like you would not believe!

DH agreed that what she said was wrong, but he sort of defended her by using the, "You know my mom, she's nuts, and she never says things the right way." Yeah, whatever, not really sure how many more ways you could say that! He knows that me not leaving the house for a paying job doesn't mean I don't "work". He would never argue that! He would be missing some manly parts if he did!!

Either someone clued her in on how wrong the comment was (probably FIL- love him!) or she picked up on my mood change because the next day she tried showering me with compliments on what a great mother I am, blah blah blah...whatever!

When DH gets home he pretty much takes charge of L&M- sometimes that's great, other times I'm left scratching my head (start playing board games at 9:30?!) so it's not like he's in a recliner with a beer in one hand and remote in the other! But really, working all day gives you a free pass to leave your plate in or around the sink???

On another note...I'm not cooking for the rest of the week. Last night I made fajitas, same way I have always made them and DH made some comment about how they tasted. Tonight DS begged me to make sloppy joes (just ground turkey with some bbq sauce) and sugar snap peas. Easy- fine. After 2 bites he told me he needed to go throw up his dinner and actually went into the bathroom and started gagging. M and C wouldn't eat it and I watched DH sneak around the kitchen and dump his out, too. WTF!?!?! I don't make them often, but I didn't do anything different to them. So, I'm done. I'm not cooking for the rest of the week- screw 'em all. Fend for yourselves (or cereal for the kids!)!

[Smillow]

So, I'm done. I'm not cooking for the rest of the week- screw 'em all. Fend for yourselves (or cereal for the kids!)!

Good for you! After working a 24 hour day, I think the slacker who is only putting in 8 hours should have to deal with dinner!:thumbsup:

[dcmom2b3]

I just thought of this -- can you leave the older two with her, bring the baby and meet me and Bun for museum fun, a pedicure, whatevs? I think I know what the answer would be, but wouldn't it be nice to show her what your 2/3 of your "work" is like . . . .

Your MIL is a personality-disordered wench. There, I said it. I have one of those too (my own mom, as luck would have it. Gah.) I can't find it now, but search for my "Mom says I hate her b/c she's black, but so am I. WTF?" post. Priceless crazy. Honestly, my BTDT experience has been that calling her BS as BS (subtly or not, as circumstances dictate) does wonders for setting boundaries.

[ShanaMama]

I just thought of this -- can you leave the older two with her, bring the baby and meet me and Bun for museum fun, a pedicure, whatevs? I think I know what the answer would be, but wouldn't it be nice to show her what your 2/3 of your "work" is like . . . .

Your MIL is a personality-disordered wench. There, I said it. I have one of those too (my own mom, as luck would have it. Gah.) I can't find it now, but search for my "Mom says I hate her b/c she's black, but so am I. WTF?" post. Priceless crazy. Honestly, my BTDT experience has been that calling her BS as BS (subtly or not, as circumstances dictate) does wonders for setting boundaries.

M-H, I somehow missed that thread but you've got me ROFL here! Must search for it.
OP, I'm sorry your MIL is being such a doofus. Good for you for being bigger & just walking away. I really like the idea that she try one of your easy relaxing non-working days.

[MamaMolly]

Julie, you got waaaaaay more class than I do. I might have lost it over that one, though in my case it would be FILs head flying across the room.

You know this is about her, not you. First she's baiting you, trying to get a rise so she can do her poor-pitiful-me routine. Second, she's got to be comparing herself to you and all you do and feeling like she is lacking. She's totally insecure and is baiting you to make herself feel better. You didn't fall for it so round one (or 23) goes to you. :yay:

I'm with you on the dinner thing. The rule in my house is if you don't like what I make that is fine. Go make your own.

[AshleyAnn]

My MIL says it all the time. She H.A.T.E.S. that I'm a SAHM and is constantly pushing the issue. I'm a full time college student and like yours my husband does not do any childcare or household duties. DH's stepfather has trained her to believe a person's worth is solely based on the work they do and since they don't see me as working I am considered worthless. They don't see raising children or keeping a house as worth anything.

I've tried explaining that after I pay daycare, formula/baby food (we get WIC on DH's income, we'd lose it if I worked), gas to work/daycare/school, and lunches and dinner we'd come out behind not ahead but all they see is that there is no paycheck with my name check coming into the household. We tried me working outside of the home and it just doesn't work for us, MIL says I'm just lazy and don't want to work. I'd love to work but its just too much for me to work and go to night school and I'm so close to my degree I can almost feel the flat hat on my head.

[twowhat?]

Just wow. If that were me, there would be 2 heads rolling on the ground in the seconds after the comment was made. So your MIL and DH should consider themselves lucky.

[gobadgers]

I can't believe that garbage came out of her mouth.

I have no idea what I would have said or done, but I'm pretty sure it would not have been appropriate.

It seems wise not to take the bait with a comnment like that, but I'm sure that was really difficult.

[SammyeGail]

Wow, that is my step-son's future mother, I feel sorry for whoever he marries.

I am so sorry you have to go thru so much with your MIL. I have learned to appreciate, for the lack of a better word, my MIL's lack of communication and distance in personality.

I read all the replies, but dealing with H's ex, I would have looked back at her straight faced and said 'Gee, what demon just crawled up your @ss? FYI, I do work, as a cook, a maid, a chauffeur, a loving mother, 24 hours a day, I just don't get PAID for it.' Then simply walked away.

It's been years, but I've had crazy situations with H's ex, I don't continue any conversation or argue back, I've said what I've wanted and thats it.

I know you can't really do that because of your DH, I'm just sorry you have to go thru this :hug:

[citymama]

What a bee-yatch!!! Argh - I'd be fuming too! And I agree with hillview - your DH owes you an apology big time - one, on behalf of his mother, and two, on behalf of his lame self for not correcting his mother right then and there.

[sste]

I would shoot first and ask questions later.
:)

Seriously, your DH absolutely should say something but if he doesn't I would address it with MIL as soon as you can do so relatively calmly. If you don't set some limits here you are in the wierd position of almost implicitly supporting MIL's perception that you lack power and autonomy because you don't have a paycheck. You are also running the risk your DC will pick up these toxic notions.

I am not great at these scripts but maybe something like, "MIL I was very hurt the other day when you said X. I work much more than an 8 hour day and my work is very valuable to my family - - and your grandchildren. You may not share my view on this but I want to make clear that I expect you not to say things like that to me. (PAUSE here and look directly at MIL - - yes, the stare-down). You are an important part of our lives and we enjoy seeing you regularly - - but we all need to treat each other respectfully for that to work."

[MamaMolly]

I would shoot first and ask questions later.
:)

Seriously, your DH absolutely should say something but if he doesn't I would address it with MIL as soon as you can do so relatively calmly. If you don't set some limits here you are in the wierd position of almost implicitly supporting MIL's perception that you lack power and autonomy because you don't have a paycheck. You are also running the risk your DC will pick up these toxic notions.

I am not great at these scripts but maybe something like, "MIL I was very hurt the other day when you said X. I work much more than an 8 hour day and my work is very valuable to my family - - and your grandchildren. You may not share my view on this but I want to make clear that I expect you not to say things like that to me. (PAUSE here and look directly at MIL - - yes, the stare-down). You are an important part of our lives and we enjoy seeing you regularly - - but we all need to treat each other respectfully for that to work."

:yeahthat: and I respectfully disagree. You are GREAT at these scripts!! :)

[LarsMal]

I just thought of this -- can you leave the older two with her, bring the baby and meet me and Bun for museum fun, a pedicure, whatevs? I think I know what the answer would be, but wouldn't it be nice to show her what your 2/3 of your "work" is like . . . .

Your MIL is a personality-disordered wench. There, I said it. I have one of those too (my own mom, as luck would have it. Gah.) I can't find it now, but search for my "Mom says I hate her b/c she's black, but so am I. WTF?" post. Priceless crazy. Honestly, my BTDT experience has been that calling her BS as BS (subtly or not, as circumstances dictate) does wonders for setting boundaries.

I would love to, but FORTUNATELY MIL lives 12+ hours away! This happened when we were all together for the weekend. Then I got to say good-bye...out of sight, out of mind!

Oh...and she called DH the next day and told him how much she appreciates that I go to family functions and don't complain. That the traveling and dealing with the kids is hard, but I never seem to be grumpy about it. Seriously, woman! What do you think I am- a horrible human being?! I actually LIKE being around DH's family...just not her!

I'll meet up with you anytime, M-H, I'll just have 3 kids with me...so pedi is probably out, museum would be fun though!

[Fairy]

"Lighten up, Sally Serious! It was a joke . . . Is there something we need to discuss?" Or something double-edged like that. With a puzzled, concerned slight frown on my face.

Armchair psych here, but this is about her, not you. Your DH was the one who cued the joke, by coughing. There was no need to "defend" him, he was the one who started the shtick.

If she has cast barbs about your contributions before then of course you're sensitive, rightfully so. No reason to let her know it, though. And no reason to give her a window into any tensions between you and DH over household contributions. She'll only use it against you.

Hugs, Mama :hug::hug::hug:

What she said.

:grouphug: