Still heartbroken about my life, not much of an update-reply in #42

[SammyeGail]

TODAY 4:30 EST: Thank you all so much, as embarrassing as this is, I really have no one. I need to hear what others have to say, I get no input from anyone else. I'm also sorry to talk about this, if you wish that I no longer do so please let me know. I don't want to bother or annoy anyone.


After I had posted last week, the responses of encouragement meant so much to me, you all will never know. H and I even had a good talk. We've had several of those. The next day he was back to being the way he usually is. Fri. night I got a migraine and was out of my RX. I slept about 3 hours. I had to take pain killers all day Sat., I would lie down some, but H never found time to drive the mile to the drugstore to get my RX, but he did cut the grass. I got my RX Sun. afternoon, it worked the first time.

Last Wed., he took the boys to the pedi for a well-check so they could get the release papers signed to go ride horses at the stables. H knows my viewpoints on vaccinations, its on the boys files. One at a time. H decided to get them ready for K, they get 6 shots each. He decided it was ok since they were single dose vaccs., no preservatives.

Noah did fine, no reaction. Jonas, who has autism, who I am adamant about when we were going to do vaccs. they would be 1 per visit, is still acting sick. Thur they went to the horse stables and he had a total meltdown. He does have autism but doesn't have meltdowns, he's just got an easy-going personality. He was very off all weekend.

H was agitated at me since Wed., he had told me Fri that he went in early so he would get off at 2:30, he knew I had slept only 3 hours that night. He told me this was around his lunchtime call to see 'what the boys ate for lunch'. He never shows so I call back around 3:15 to check on him, (I can barely stay awake) he says he went in early 'in case' I needed him to come home at 2:30, I never called so he's in the middle of something and won't be home for over an hour. I specifically remember him saying he was coming home early, because I said really sweet him 'oh my gosh, thank you so much, that was so thoughtful of you'. (trying to really show gratitude for everything, let him know how much I do appreciate what he does). I said I thought he said he went in 2 hours early so he could take off 2 hours early, I didn't know I was supposed to call, he gets all nasty, so I just hang up.

Everything is going miserable until Mon. night when it got bad. Jonas was crying, like he was in pain, agony crying. He didn't want to be held, touched, it went on and on. I would sit beside him and talk gently, it would sooth him some, H would pace back and forth at me, showed up, told me to move and shove motrin in him, getting him all upset again. I'm trying to sooth him again, H keeps coming up to him asking loudly 'WHAT'S WRONG JONAS? WHAT HURTS?' umm, he non-verbal right now. (well, he babbles alot and says some words, he's getting there) Noah will walk up, H will shove him away and yell 'GET OUT OF THE WAY NOAH!!!' I would have to walk away H was getting me so upset, and I had to go comfort Noah who is crying too.

I wanted to call the pedi's office after 45 min, but am honestly afraid to say anything. After 1.45 hours of it H goes downstairs, I grab my cell and call them. The pedi call back asap. I'm telling her he has no fever, he had 6 vaccinations a few days before and has not been himself, very lethargic, H shows back up and tells me to give him the phone. He tells her the vaccs., he is very, very nice (it burns, like a pain to see him when he's like that, who I married). She suggested a warm bath, if that didn't help take him to Childrens Hosp.

H goes down to start the water, then comes back up. As he is walking in the room I had decided to try to pick Jonas up and sway him, he likes that alot. He didn't want it and just slid out of my arms to the floor. I picked him back up to take him back to his bed, I had turned in that direction and had taken 2 steps, was right past his footboard when H yells 'WHAT THE HE!! ARE YOU DOING!?! PUT HIM BACK IN HIS BED!!' I smartly said back to him 'What do you think I'm doing???' I'm not raising my voice because he's in my arms, I hate when I loose control and do it at all! I swish my hand at H (at my wrist because I'm struggling with J) in a dismissive way to him, because I am very, very angry. 2 hours of him hoarding over me, when I got J calmed some H had to do something to get him upset again. H yelling at Noah the whole time. You can write a list and Jonas will pick from it what he wants to drink, for lunch, snack, H had made a list of body parts and kept putting it in his face saying loudly 'What hurts! What hurts Jonas?!' I had drawn a pic of a body, while H was on the phone with the pedi I gently asked him, he ran his finger all over it.

H has cursed at me, but lightly, the D word, S word, even the F word in descriptions. He was a man that always respected women and never used ugly terms for them. He has told me stories quoting other people, he does curse.

He screams at me 'YOU STUPID F'ING B!TCH!! I AM SO DONE WITH YOU! ALL OF THIS! ALL OF IT!'

He storms down the stairs, I hear the garage door slam. Noah is curled up in the fetal position by his bed in total fear. Jonas is in his bed crying. I can't believe he called me that. Knowing that he left released so much anger. Instincts went into action, I went to Noah and we talked quickly, he stayed by my side as we went down to put Jo in the tub. I thought he had left but H is in the bathroom checking the tub-it had all happened so fast-he is saying he is so sorry, so sorry, so sorry. I don't have anything to say. He tells Noah he is so, so sorry, he loves him so much, Noah hugs him and tells him he loves him too. I have Jonas undressed and in the tub. H started babbling, I asked him to please go spend time with Noah, let me be and give Jo his bath. I filled it up and turned the jets on low, he loved it, we sat and played for about 45 minutes. I put a long soft tee on him and held him until he fell asleep. H and Noah had went to bed together.

Then I sat on the couch and cried and felt numb for about 2 hours.

Sorry to write so much, I don't know what to do, and there is so, so much more.

[Meatball Mommie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I am sooo sorry - big hugs to you. I honestly don't know what to say - your husband is waaaaay in the wrong...

[Melbel]

My heart hurts for you. :grouphug:

[malphy]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is hard enough handling children but adding in an idiot of a husband and having physical health issues makes it nearly impossible.

Keep holding on to the support you get here. It has been helping me. Just try to make it day by day.

:grouphug:

[JBaxter]

Hate to say this but it sounds like you should have a consultation with a lawyer. You should have a plan in place if he decides to leave.

[WolfpackMom]

Im so sorry. :( Do you have any family or friends nearby where you and DC could go visit for just a day or two to get a break from DH? Maybe someone who has other kids that can keep yours entertained while you get some rest? P&PT heading your way...

[jess_g]

Sending you lots of :22:. I hope things get better for you and your family.

I do think you should have a plan in case your dh does leave you. I am not saying he is going to, but my dh has told me that he is leaving so many times over the years that I can't count them. He never has, but has never said he was sorry or anything like that either. I have learned not to take it too personaly and just know that I will survive with or without him. I am not sure if I would talk with a lawyer, but defenitly have a plan of what to do next in case this happens again or your dh is just too much of a pain to live with anymore. Also maybe take the boys on a mini vacation for a few days without dh. Somewhere with a nice pool where you can relax and realy think about things. This is what I would do just to get my head around everything.

Hope things get better soon.

Jessica.

[SnuggleBuggles]

There has to be a way to get out of this situation. I know it has to beyond hard with all the physical problems you are dealing with but there has to be some way that you and the boys can go, leave and live more peacefully and in a safe, secure, loving environment. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you are going though this and I hope you can find the strength to maybe get out of it.

Beth

[zoestargrove]

I'm sorry. You are amazing for keeping your cool and being a nuturing mother under such horrible circumstances.

[pinkmomagain]

I am so sorry that your situation continues to be sooooo difficult. It sounds like both you and your husband are under an inconceivable amount of stress....and the way he seems to be handling it (or not handling it) is just awful.

I know when I'm going through stressful times, it's hard not to be in constant "reactive" mode and to actually take a breath, step back, and figure out how to proactively change some fundamental things that might improve the situation overall. (I don't know if I'm explaining myself well at all.) For instance, it sounds like dh is responsible for alot of the physical/logistical things (due to your medical issues)...like driving to appointments and picking up meds. I know this is just a very small thing but maybe something could be set up with your pharmacy to have rx's delivered (I know that many of the drugstores around me do it). This would alleviate one of his responsibilities and also help you feel less at his mercy (ie. waiting for when he decides to go to the drugstore). I know it is just something that is so small, but it would be one less thing that both of you would have to deal with. Maybe there are just a few small things like this that can be tackled, to help with the load you both are facing. I hope you don't think I'm minimizing...I do realize there are huge issues here....I'm just trying to think of some baby steps in a proactive/positive way to move forward.

Sending lots of ((hugs)) and positive thoughts your way.

[Octobermommy]

I'm very sorry. You are doing an amazing job at trying to protect your boys. Hugs to you.

[heatherlynn]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice or words of wisdom, but I will say that I am worried about you. I wish you joy and peace, which you most definitely deserve. :hug:

[wendmatt]

I am so so sorry you are going through all of this. It broke my heart to read your post, big hugs to you.

[HIU8]

:yeahthat:

After reading your post I felt like, if you could, you should initiate things and get your and your boys out of that situation whatever it takes, rather than putting any of you in that situation for any longer.

[bubbaray]

I've said it before: OP needs to consult with a lawyer before taking the children and leaving. She needs a clear idea of her chances of getting sole custody.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this.

[HIU8]

Oops sorry. Not a lawyer. Going with emotion after reading her post.

Yes, please go about this the way the lawyers on here are saying so that you have the best chances of sole custody etc...

[BabyMine]

He needs help and stop taking his anger out on you and your DC. He won't get help so you need to make some decisions. At least look into consulting a lawyer. Can you raise your DC in this atmosphere? It sounds like it is escalting and that's scary. I wish I could come get you and your DC.

[WatchingThemGrow]

No advice, just a :hug: and prayers for you, mama. You are such a warm and caring person, and it is painful to see you suffering so much.

[larig]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the lack of compassion and respect. You are a great mom who has two great boys who must love you so much for all you do for them. Your story brought tears to my eyes and I just wish I could help you in some way. I understand how hard it is to keep it together with a migraine, no meds and little DH help. I'm pulling for you! I hope things get better soon, until they do you have a lot of love here and big hugs from me.

[ewpmsw]

More big hugs to you, OP, and I'm so sorry to see that your week didn't get any better. God bless you and your family.

Could you look into your options as far as social services or family services are concerned? I don't mean to suggest filing a complaint against DH or anything like that. I am wondering if there are services available to families in your area who need assistance managing medical concerns and transportation and possibly family counseling (for you and DH, or just for you). A case manager may be able to help you coordinate resources (including legal counsel.) Just a suggestion, not sure what is available in your area. If you decide to look into it, try to find the number for their intake office and they can likely point you in the right direction.:hug::hug::hug:

[California]

This is abuse, straightforward abuse. I've got a friend who counsels women in domestic violence shelters, and she says the most frustrating part of her job is getting the women to break out of the victim-mode of thinking. So I don't know what to write. I don't want to overly sympathize with you and encourage you to keep thinking of yourself as a victim. You have power here. Until you are ready to look in the mirror and acknowledge that you are done with this, and that you will not make any more excuses for his abusive behavior, nothing will change. If you keep making excuses for his behavior, nothing will change. Are you hiding this from other people IRL? I'm guessing you are.

Abuse thrives on secrecy. That's why this man can be abusive to you and then one second later be sweet on the phone to someone else. He knows what he can get away with. He knows he can't treat the woman on the phone like crap, but he can get away with it with you. Abuse thrives on shame, because if you are full of shame you will protect him by not talking to your family, your neighbors, your pastor, your local abuse crisis center and police, about what he is doing. That protects his abusive behavior and allows it to continue. Abuse cannot stand being brought to the light. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to your parents. Talk to the people at the local crisis center. Find a plan for accountability for him and yourself. Your most powerful tool is making sure you are working with a team.

[justlearning]

Edited to add: Please see post #35 in which I apologize for writing this post and for not fully understanding all the ways that she has experienced emotional abuse in the marriage (as also expressed in an earlier post of hers that I had not read).

I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I echo what others have said--I admire the way that you want to protect your kids and are able to control yourself to do so, even when your husband's anger escalates.

I can't recall all the details of the original post you reference so my comments are primarily based on what you wrote in this post. But I did want to bring up some points that might lead you to see the situation from your husband's perspective, in case that's helpful. In no way am I justifying his anger or treatment of you and I might very well be giving him too much credit here, but I'll throw these ideas out anyhow in case they're useful...

First, it sounds like you were able to have some good talks with your husband. But then it sounds like things started getting worse on Wed. when he took them to the doctor's appt and had them get the shots. I realize that from your perspective, what your husband did was horrible then and endangered your kids' well being. But is it possible that from his perspective, he may have been encouraged by the doctor to have your kids get the vaccines (most doctors here won't even treat kids who don't get vaccines), your husband thought it over (later giving you his rationale that they were preservative free, etc.), and then went ahead and did it.

He definitely should have called you then to consult with you, but he didn't. My guess is that you may have made him feel, though, that he was a terrible father by doing so and that he didn't love his kids the same way you do, etc. (Even if not directly spoken in this manner, he may have gotten that sense from you.) Then my guess is that he probably felt badly/guilty after your son wasn't doing well later. Perhaps you even made comments telling your husband how he messed up your son. (I don't know, of course, just guessing based upon how a mom might normally react.)

So, then a few days later you get a bad migraine and only sleep 3 hours. He decides to be kind and offers to go in early to work so he could come home early if you need help. He thinks you're going to call him if you do, you think he's coming home early without a phone call, you get upset at him because he's not coming home early, he gets upset at you because you're upset at him, etc.

So, he's already feeling frustrated about that, perhaps feeling like he can't do anything right with you--that no matter what, you feel like he's a bad dad and bad husband.

Then you're out of your migraine medicine. It seemed that you wanted him to go get some for you on Saturday, but he chose not to. Did you specifically ask him to do so, say that you needed it right then, then he said "I don't want to" or did you just lie there in bed miserable (I get migraines so I understand how you felt) and hope that he would be aware/kind enough to realize that if he went and got you the meds, you could feel better? I ask this because it seems that there might be a pattern in your marriage of poor communication between the two of you, so I'm wondering if you specifically told him that you needed the meds then or if you were just communicating it indirectly by lying in bed.

Regardless, you probably felt mad at him for not being a good husband and caring for your needs and perhaps he felt more frustrated with you for being dependent on him to take care of you. (If I do recall from your last post, you have some health issues that make it hard for you to drive places, etc.--is that right?)

Somehow you get the meds on Sunday (did he bring them to you, did a friend get them for you, or did you get them?), and your migraine is better. But then the next night you encounter a very stressful situation with your son.

At that point, is sounds like your husband had reached his boiling point. My guess is that dealing with autism has been very stressful for both of you (my best friend's son has autism and it's VERY hard on her and her husband). So at this point his anger has already been building by the events of the past days since Wed. It sounds like he does try to do some good things--talk with the doctor, start the bath, try a method for having Jonas point to what hurts. But you and he are at odds in finding the best way to calm Jonas down. You're being gentle, loving, patient, etc. and it sounds like he wants to figure out a quick fix immediately. He wants to give him the Motrin, get him to point to the picture NOW, etc. and doesn't have anywhere near the patience that you do. His anger continues to escalate and he then takes it out on Noah in the heat of the moment and then on you with the horrible thing he yelled at you. What he said reflects how he's feeling--he's done with everything right now, can't cope with all the stress.

So, he then wisely walks out the door into the garage, takes a quick timeout, realizes that he feels badly for what just happened, comes back and apologizes to both you and Noah.

To me, he honestly doesn't sound like a husband who truly wants a divorce. Instead, he sounds like a husband who is under way too much stress at the moment (as you are, of course) and who needs to figure out better ways to deal with that. It also sounds like both of you have negative assumptions about each other (e.g., you may assume that he doesn't care about you or the kids very much, he might assume that you're always going to be unhappy with him) and those assumptions color the way that you interpret your interactions with each other.

When was the last time that you and your husband were able to get away together without the kids? How often do you and he get breaks from taking care of them? When you have a child with autism (or a child with a serious illness like cancer, which I experienced), your home can sometimes begin to feel like a pressure cooker. Thus, every marital conflict or misunderstanding becomes magnified and you feel like you could explode at an minute. In your situation, dealing with illness of your own as well, it must be even that much harder.

So, of course, you know your husband best. If you think that he will never be able to handle anger better and if he poses a danger to you and your kids, of course you should leave immediately. His poor treatment of you and your kids isn't excusable. But what I was trying to do here was bring to light some of the possible reasons that the tension between you has been mounting. I may be completely inaccurate and like I said, I don't know the whole story. I was just trying to help...

Like I said in the beginning, I do really admire the way that you stayed calm with your kids when your husband started getting really angry on Monday night. That's very hard to do and it sounds like you're a very strong mom and one who puts her kids' needs first.

[cntrymoon2]

I'm so sorry. I highly recommend the book "Love Without Hurt" by Steven Stosny- you should read the first half, and if your husband is willing, ask him to read/do the bootcamp section.
Your husband might have just boiled over and been blowing off steam, but whether there was truth to his threat of leaving or not, it was an emotionally and verbally abusive action. That book will help you understand why your husband acts that way-without going to the extreme of either excusing his actions or forcing you to leave. My belief is if there is still love in the marriage, it is worth trying to save it.
Hugs to you and prayers for strength to get you through...:grouphug:

[janeybwild]

I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I echo what others have said--I admire the way that you want to protect your kids and are able to control yourself to do so, even when your husband's anger escalates.

I can't recall all the details of the original post you reference so my comments are primarily based on what you wrote in this post. But I did want to bring up some points that might lead you to see the situation from your husband's perspective, in case that's helpful. In no way am I justifying his anger or treatment of you and I might very well be giving him too much credit here, but I'll throw these ideas out anyhow in case they're useful...

First, it sounds like you were able to have some good talks with your husband. But then it sounds like things started getting worse on Wed. when he took them to the doctor's appt and had them get the shots. I realize that from your perspective, what your husband did was horrible then and endangered your kids' well being. But is it possible that from his perspective, he may have been encouraged by the doctor to have your kids get the vaccines (most doctors here won't even treat kids who don't get vaccines), your husband thought it over (later giving you his rationale that they were preservative free, etc.), and then went ahead and did it.

He definitely should have called you then to consult with you, but he didn't. My guess is that you may have made him feel, though, that he was a terrible father by doing so and that he didn't love his kids the same way you do, etc. (Even if not directly spoken in this manner, he may have gotten that sense from you.) Then my guess is that he probably felt badly/guilty after your son wasn't doing well later. Perhaps you even made comments telling your husband how he messed up your son. (I don't know, of course, just guessing based upon how a mom might normally react.)

So, then a few days later you get a bad migraine and only sleep 3 hours. He decides to be kind and offers to go in early to work so he could come home early if you need help. He thinks you're going to call him if you do, you think he's coming home early without a phone call, you get upset at him because he's not coming home early, he gets upset at you because you're upset at him, etc.

So, he's already feeling frustrated about that, perhaps feeling like he can't do anything right with you--that no matter what, you feel like he's a bad dad and bad husband.

Then you're out of your migraine medicine. It seemed that you wanted him to go get some for you on Saturday, but he chose not to. Did you specifically ask him to do so, say that you needed it right then, then he said "I don't want to" or did you just lie there in bed miserable (I get migraines so I understand how you felt) and hope that he would be aware/kind enough to realize that if he went and got you the meds, you could feel better? I ask this because it seems that there might be a pattern in your marriage of poor communication between the two of you, so I'm wondering if you specifically told him that you needed the meds then or if you were just communicating it indirectly by lying in bed.

Regardless, you probably felt mad at him for not being a good husband and caring for your needs and perhaps he felt more frustrated with you for being dependent on him to take care of you. (If I do recall from your last post, you have some health issues that make it hard for you to drive places, etc.--is that right?)

Somehow you get the meds on Sunday (did he bring them to you, did a friend get them for you, or did you get them?), and your migraine is better. But then the next night you encounter a very stressful situation with your son.

At that point, is sounds like your husband had reached his boiling point. My guess is that dealing with autism has been very stressful for both of you (my best friend's son has autism and it's VERY hard on her and her husband). So at this point his anger has already been building by the events of the past days since Wed. It sounds like he does try to do some good things--talk with the doctor, start the bath, try a method for having Jonas point to what hurts. But you and he are at odds in finding the best way to calm Jonas down. You're being gentle, loving, patient, etc. and it sounds like he wants to figure out a quick fix immediately. He wants to give him the Motrin, get him to point to the picture NOW, etc. and doesn't have anywhere near the patience that you do. His anger continues to escalate and he then takes it out on Noah in the heat of the moment and then on you with the horrible thing he yelled at you. What he said reflects how he's feeling--he's done with everything right now, can't cope with all the stress.

So, he then wisely walks out the door into the garage, takes a quick timeout, realizes that he feels badly for what just happened, comes back and apologizes to both you and Noah.

To me, he honestly doesn't sound like a husband who truly wants a divorce. Instead, he sounds like a husband who is under way too much stress at the moment (as you are, of course) and who needs to figure out better ways to deal with that. It also sounds like both of you have negative assumptions about each other (e.g., you may assume that he doesn't care about you or the kids very much, he might assume that you're always going to be unhappy with him) and those assumptions color the way that you interpret your interactions with each other.

When was the last time that you and your husband were able to get away together without the kids? How often do you and he get breaks from taking care of them? When you have a child with autism (or a child with a serious illness like cancer, which I experienced), your home can sometimes begin to feel like a pressure cooker. Thus, every marital conflict or misunderstanding becomes magnified and you feel like you could explode at an minute. In your situation, dealing with illness of your own as well, it must be even that much harder.

So, of course, you know your husband best. If you think that he will never be able to handle anger better and if he poses a danger to you and your kids, of course you should leave immediately. His poor treatment of you and your kids isn't excusable. But what I was trying to do here was bring to light some of the possible reasons that the tension between you has been mounting. I may be completely inaccurate and like I said, I don't know the whole story. I was just trying to help...

Like I said in the beginning, I do really admire the way that you stayed calm with your kids when your husband started getting really angry on Monday night. That's very hard to do and it sounds like you're a very strong mom and one who puts her kids' needs first.

It's always good to consider the other side of it. It took a lot of effort to post this :applause: I hope the OP can really read this and give it some serious thought before being offended by it.

To the OP, I hope that you guys are able to get some help soon. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time of it. Sounds like your DH is having an equally rough time of it too. Any chance you can get some couples counselling? Sometimes when we start to look at the world one way, everything seems to go that way. It takes a huge effort or some help to change the way we see things. Good luck.

[twowhat?]

I've been reading but not posting because I don't really know what to say but I started to wonder:

When did you start seeing these changes in your husband? Was it after you had the twins? I ask because having multiples statistically raises your chances of divorce. It's such a stressful thing to have 2 babies at once that any marriage can suffer. And - you have other things to deal with on top of having multiples. A child with special needs. Health problems. That's really asking for trouble when it comes to stressing out a relationship. If his change in personality occurred after you had the twins, it really supports the idea that the stress is contributing greatly...which mean you both need outside help. The real key is - does he realize you both need help and would be willing to get it? If so, forge ahead.

[California]

OP, if you are questioning at all that this might be domestic abuse, please contact a crisis center or a pyschologist and share with them what has been happening. I used to work with abused children in foster and residential treatment centers as a program director before becoming a teacher(not a social worker-- that is not my background). The posts you have written on here have many of the markers of abuse that I was trained to recognize. I realize in my first post I was too blunt. I apologize for that. I can recognize the markers, but do not have the training to help an adult woman dealing with domestic abuse from a partner. You need a professional to talk to IRL who can assess this situation and give you some support and help. You wrote before that you have gotten very close to calling domestic abuse crisis centers twice. Maybe now is the time to make that call?

Here's a website with a lot of info (may be a little overwhelming.) http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects .htm


The National Domestic Abuse Hotline: toll-free 1-800-799-7233

Also... Going to be totally honest here even if it offends someone. Before anyone responds to this post with stuff defending the DH, please please please do a simple google search and read up a little on domestic abuse-- or emotional abuse, to be specific. Your intentions are so good, and if you read a little more on this issue I think you'll understand. One of the key components of emotional abuse is that the abuser quite pursuasively blames his/her actions on the person he/she is abusing. It can make the abused spouse (or child) feel worthless, scared, depressed, degraded, and shamed. And a little crazy as they question if maybe they really did do something to deserve the abuse. Shame and self-blame are HUGE hurdles that keep women (and children) from seeking help. Your intentions obviously supportive and kind -- yet at the same time I think we all want the OP to know that emotional abuse is never OK. Not when a man is tired, not when he's stressed at work, not when he has twins. It is never OK to abuse a spouse.

[twowhat?]

yet at the same time I think we all want the OP to know that emotional abuse is never OK. Not when a man is tired, not when he's stressed at work, not when he has twins. It is never OK to abuse a spouse.

Yes, wholeheartedly agree with this.

[Cam&Clay]

I would lie down some, but H never found time to drive the mile to the drugstore to get my RX, but he did cut the grass. I got my RX Sun. afternoon, it worked the first time.

I know there is so much going on in your post, but this, for some reason, speaks the loudest to me. Anyone who cared about you would've picked up your meds for you. My neighbors would even do that for me. To think that my husband would refuse to pick up medication that I needed when I was in pain is unfathomable to me.

I feel for you and desperately want you to do what you can to get out of the situation you are in. You deserve more.

[Tondi G]

"Fri. night I got a migraine and was out of my RX. I slept about 3 hours. I had to take pain killers all day Sat., I would lie down some, but H never found time to drive the mile to the drugstore to get my RX, but he did cut the grass. I got my RX Sun. afternoon, it worked the first time."

I get full blown Migraines and know the pain and exhaustion that comes with them. I had an aura coming on and had no meds.... my husband raced to the pharmacy and begged the tech to push it through ... it was imitrex so the sooner you get it into your system the better. He got back so quickly... I was amazed. If you love your spouse you don't want to see them suffer or be in pain. He should have made it a priority to get to the pharmacy asap and get you your meds.


"He screams at me 'YOU STUPID F'ING B!TCH!! I AM SO DONE WITH YOU! ALL OF THIS! ALL OF IT!'
"he is saying he is so sorry, so sorry, so sorry. I don't have anything to say. He tells Noah he is so, so sorry, he loves him so much, Noah hugs him and tells him he loves him too."

THIS is SO typical of abusive relationships. Many times the reason women stay and try to forgive. Their spouse flies off the handle and then apologizes and pleads and makes their spouse believe they are going to change and that they are really sorry for their actions. It's a cycle and just happens over and over again till they get therapy or the person finally finds the courage to take action and leave the abusive relationship.

"Then I sat on the couch and cried and felt numb for about 2 hours."

This is not fair Samantha. Not for you, not for your children. If he wants to continue having a family and loving wife then he needs to get some anger management therapy. You need couples therapy and each of you could probably benefit from some individual counseling.

Is there any way you could get an audio recording going when he starts in being abusive. Cell phone or otherwise? Even start a video camera running... whether you get video of it or not at least you will have the audio to present so he can hear his rants and how nasty he sounds and you will have evidence if you decide to leave him and fight for custody.

In the end HUGS. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

[JBaxter]

OP's home sounds very stressful with her extensive medical issues twins with special needs she is unable to drive herself to appointments and is on medication. Op has also posted she gets no help from her extended family sounds like everyone is near the breaking point.

[bubbaray]

OP's home sounds very stressful with her extensive medical issues twins with special needs she is unable to drive herself to appointments and is on medication. Op has also posted she gets no help from her extended family sounds like everyone is near the breaking point.


And this is precisely my concern with people jumping on the "he's abusive, take the kids and run" bandwagon -- I'm not convinced that the OP is even able to leave, let alone take the kids with her (I thought she wasn't able to drive due to seizures or possibly medication or both?). Then there is the issue of what a court would do in a custody dispute. Its one thing for all of us to armchair quarterback this, but the reality is that the OP might very well *not* get primary custody of the children should it come to that. It sounds like she has some really serious medical issues herself, not to mention then having to also look after a SN child(ren).

I think the situation sounds really really sad and I wish I had an answer. I just think we all need to exercise a bit more restraint in the circumstances.

JMHO.

[JBaxter]

And this is precisely my concern with people jumping on the "he's abusive, take the kids and run" bandwagon -- I'm not convinced that the OP is even able to leave, let alone take the kids with her (I thought she wasn't able to drive due to seizures or possibly medication or both?). Then there is the issue of what a court would do in a custody dispute. Its one thing for all of us to armchair quarterback this, but the reality is that the OP might very well *not* get primary custody of the children should it come to that. It sounds like she has some really serious medical issues herself, not to mention then having to also look after a SN child(ren).

I think the situation sounds really really sad and I wish I had an answer. I just think we all need to exercise a bit more restraint in the circumstances.

JMHO.

I was thinking the same thing. Custody would be touchy with OP not being able to function ( with what she has posted anyway) I believe her DH did mention that (or at least she posted he did)

[mom2binsd]

I wish I had great advice, others have provided wonderful ideas. My heart breaks for you and I only hope you are able to sift through the ideas and find something to help. I think an appointment with a therapist asap for you and then H would be crucial.

[WolfpackMom]

OP's home sounds very stressful with her extensive medical issues twins with special needs she is unable to drive herself to appointments and is on medication. Op has also posted she gets no help from her extended family sounds like everyone is near the breaking point.

:yeahthat:
OP, I see you are in TN. I am not, but if you would like to PM me and let me know where abouts in TN I would be happy to do some research for you and find programs in your area that offer driving service to drs appts, prescription delivery, childcare for during appt etc., free or minimal cost household help etc. for those who are unable to drive and have other circumstances that are causing problems. In reference to DS with autism, our state has programs, funded by the state that provide in-home therapy for autistic children that is free or low cost. This involves several hours of one on one time daily between the child and therapist which would allow you somewhat of a break. Maybe TN has something like that? Please let me know if you would like me to do some investigating for you to get the help you need and maybe this will help alleviate some of the burdens that are on the whole household.
I hope things get better soon for you.

[justlearning]

I wrote my lengthy response to you earlier without going back to search for your earlier post where you discussed your problems. I also missed some red flags that you said in this post while trying to think of a possible explanation (but not a justification) for your husband's behaviors. For that, I really apologize.

Others were right to emphasize the indicators of emotional abuse that seem evident from your posts. I had only recalled you previously talking about your health issues and had no recollection of an earlier post that you had written on here regarding your husband's abusive behaviors. So, after now reading another poster's response, I went back to search for that post. I found it and will now copy parts of it here in case it helps anyone else to better understand the picture:

"Late that summer and early Fall DH really changed. I know things at work were beyond insane, extreme, massive stress. I understood and had compassion about that, but I did have therapist at my house 4 days a week and took both boys to therapies 2-3 days a week. That is when my chronic fatigue started, I thought it was just stress. It was then that DH would verbally take his stress out on me. He said things that were beyond cruel, I don't even want to try to remember. He would apologize later, but still just attack me 3-4 times a week out of the blue. Or is he noticed something and he didn't like the way it was, he would just yell, berating me, I would be in a ball in a corner.. . . DH became a huge jerk, or another choice work I'd like to use. I had caught Mono Jan. 09 and he was so mad about that. I felt like I never really recovered from it, but dr.'s couldn't tell me anything. Things went downhill, I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he yelled and laughed at me about it. I wanted so bad to fix us. My health just got worse and worse, the seizures started last Sept. I had severe chronic fatigue, I did take my thyroid RX. I did good to walk to the bathroom and back, otherwise I was basically bed/couch ridden. DH did take me to the dr. in Oct, they took blood work and he wanted me back in 2 weeks. Dh never took me. I was collapsing/having seizures 4+ times a week and DH would get mad, irritated about it. I would get berated about it. I think that is what did it. All those months I had serious issues and he treated me like a PITA, that did it for me. He did take me to the dr. again in Jan. He took me for my 2 week follow up in Feb. I found out I had an adrenal gland disorder, along with my thyroid I decided to see a real endo. DH did take me to that appt, the 2 week follow up about 5 weeks later. I have alot of issues, I will for the rest of my life and there are things I am going to have problems with later in life. It was sort of a wake up call to DH, but he still falls back on treating (talking to) me like like I'm a piece of crap. He's never made my next follow up appt, he has to make them around his work schedule. I'm heartbroken this has happened to us. I'm tired of it, I'm done with it. His record is 9 days. 9 days of being nice to me. I can't live like this. He has crushed my self esteem, I feel like a complete loser, a waste of air. I struggle so much with my relationship with my boys, having any confidence as a mother. As for DH and I, I'm at a point I don't even want to fix things anymore."

If I had read that before, I would never have written the response to you that I wrote earlier. Now, after re-reading your post that started this thread, I'm now drawn to your description of being too scared to want to express your desire to call a pediatrician, the emotional toil his emotional abuse is taking on you, etc. I didn't give those proper weight before and I apologize for that.

I considered deleting my earlier post but I think that I read something on here before saying that they didn't want us to delete posts. So, I'll just note there this additional post expressing my apology for trying to put a more benign spin on the situation. It does indeed appear that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I do hope and pray that you are able to find the help that you need. It sounds like others have offered you help in finding what you need, but I'd also be happy to help if you wish to PM me.

[lmh2402]

samantha, i didn't post in your previous thread b/c it made me just so sad that i had nothing helpful to say

i still don't really. i just wanted to send you so many big, big hugs

you shouldn't have to feel so awful. your sons shouldn't be crying in fear.

my heart breaks for you all. whatever or however it is that you guys move things forward, i hope life improves for all of you

:hug::hug::hug:

[purpleeyes]

You have already received so many ideas, different perspectives, thoughts... it is a lot to sift through and think about. I don't want to add any more to your pile!

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

[mamicka]

You have already received so many ideas, different perspectives, thoughts... it is a lot to sift through and think about. I don't want to add any more to your pile!

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Well-said. I have nothing except prayers & thoughts for you. :hug:

[tmahanes]

I don't really know what to say except :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

If you are in or near Knoxville, I used to work for Mercy Health and if you PM me I may be able to give you some information about available transportation to Dr appointments.

[scrooks]

My heart hurts for you...:grouphug:
I'm sending prayers and lots of good thoughts.

[kijip]

First, :hug::hug::hug: I am sorry this is continuing like this for you, your family (including your husband) and especially your precious boys.

I am going to raise a point I have not seen here yet. I would not discount the impact that such a relationship could be having on your emotional, mental and PHYSICAL health. Stress is not only the byproduct of chronic illness, it can in fact contribute to causing or worsening significantly your physical condition.

I am not going to comment on the question of custody, feasibility of leaving but I will say this:

even if it is 1000% unfeasible to leave that does not make what the OPs husband has consistently been doing/coming back to any less abusive or less unacceptable. His behavior here is reprehensible. Admitting that FULLY is one step to working around it or heck, even inspiring or contributing to change- in you and in him. It is what is is- abuse. Don't let a lack of options and huge barriers deceive you about it or the impact on you or your kids.

Unless he takes steps to change, he will not change. This will continue to happen, as it has for months verging into years at this point.

If you want to change and he wants to change but you can't afford therapy, then you need to find change/solutions based materials you can use at home. Violence No More, Love without Hurt, some of the Gottman (though he is really best suited to non-abusive situations). Statistically speaking, and in my own experience with my own previously abusive (though nothing like this, ever- more fear and anger issues from how he was raised) relationship, couples who find in person help are more likely to make a successful go of it. It's like the difference between working out alone or with an expert trainer. There are solutions to even the biggest problems most of us face. My husband, who is really truly amazing, overcame a sporadic pattern of physical abuse learned form his parents and we have been happy and dysfunction/abuse free for nearly 5 years now. Our children are safe, secure and not learning the generational cycles of crap brought into our marriage.

Please don't let the implication be made, however inadvertently (since I know that is not the intention of any poster here), that you HAVE NO CHOICE but to put up with this because of your disability. I have personally observed a number of severely disabled parents make new lives, as the joint or sole custodian of their children. Also, given the toxic nature of this situation what is best for your boys? Your children are being hurt, as much as you are, by this situation. I agree this is likely not a get in the car and drive situation but the fact that your face obstacles in staying or leaving does not mean you need to accept your lot in life to be forever miserable. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Hell, your husband deserves better- better connection with his family and better behavior from himself!

[SammyeGail]

OP's home sounds very stressful with her extensive medical issues twins with special needs she is unable to drive herself to appointments and is on medication. Op has also posted she gets no help from her extended family sounds like everyone is near the breaking point.
:yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat: :)

Its a 45 min drive to a counselor, then finding the right one. An hour to my endo. I have looked into services that drive you, its called SETHRA. The R stands for Rural. They show up around 5:30-6:00AM and pick up everyone in the county, take a route in the city to drop off by appt times. Then they go thru the city and pick up everyone from this county as they had dropped them off, if a person is not finished with their appt, they wait on them instead of driving to another hospital. After the hour drive back here, each person is dropped off at their house like a schoolbus route. I would be gone 10-12 hours. With my conditions, I in no way want to sit on an non air-conditioned bus for hours, go to an appt, sit in a lobby for hours, then back sit on the bus for several more hours. And who knows what type of people would be on the bus because this place is very, very country, not in a charming way, maybe 3-4 blocks downtown are sort of nice...

I did see my psychiatrist Tue., & did finally tell him everything. Even though Lexapro worked for me only about 4-6 months we agreed to try it again, I was on Effexor. I told him I didn't know if I was depressed or oppressed from the situation I am in, he said I was depressed. Of course H drove all of us there, we went to Target, separated at the door, Noah with me. I had calmed down (I had just been very quite) by the time we ran into each other, we checked out and ate at IHOP. He talked alot on the way home how great an evening it was, he 'had his wife back', he was 'so proud of me' that I was able to go to a store and eat out. By the time we get home I am feeling faint, but feel pressured to keep the evening nice. I was in the kitchen, felt my legs going, leaned up against the counter and went down, drawer knob didn't feel great going down my back, then I looked like an idiot because my shirt was hung on it. H comes in and helps me, but I get up by myself, I proved to myself that I could.

Wed: I couldn't sleep (BTW, I sleep on the couch) when I did I had terrible nightmares. (I had not started the Lexapro) My mother passed 11-08, she was in them, I could see her but all my (large) family was there and I couldn't talk to her. The dreams would flash. Then the boys would be gone and I couldn't find them. My Dad would be gone, he had died. I had woke up at 4:30 with terrible back pain, I took something for it and was looking for the heating pad. H wakes up to get ready for work so I get in bed with Noah. The dreams continue. H shows up to (his commute is 3-5 minutes) take the boys to MDO, he's aggravated because I'm not up and don't have them dressed, bag ready, we were all asleep. I'm trying to help, but am in such a state of shock from the dreams being so real and vivid. They go, MDO is 3-4 min. drive, from there a maybe 5 min. drive back to work for him (telling all this as a fyi, its not a ton of his time, they don't care where he works). My back is still killing me, its time to take something again and I take 1 xanax. I set the alarm on my phone and lie back down. Massive nightmares again, all about the same thing, plus the estrangement with my siblings. I sleep thru alarm, H shows up at 12:15 with Noah because he only went to speech camp. H is trying to wake me up, I'm stuck in these nightmares, I'm sobbing, begging him to please wake me up, really wake me up. He fixes Noah lunch, turns on the TV upstairs, leaves me in the bed fighting to wake up and leaves. I don't know if anyone here has had nightmares that intense, I have rarely, but 1) you shouldn't leave the person in the bed, get them up and standing, somewhat awake and aware! He could have rubbed a cold wet washcloth on my face or something. 2) If someone who still is in the bed shaking and going on and on about horrible dreams, they say they can't escape them, don't leave their 4 yr old son there. I finally realized how to get out was to imagine myself in the room, picture the walls, the dresser, nightstand, etc, and I screamed Noah's name over and over again. I finally heard him say 'Mommy!' and jump in the bed. I kept saying his name, telling him I loved him and hugging him. He was my little hero! I asked him how many times did I call out his name, he said 2, it seemed like 100. I asked him if he could see my cell, he pointed to my hand, I was clutching it so hard I could hardly open my hand, it was almost 1:45PM. I was so emotionally distraught by those dreams, they were so real. I was so upset Noah had been basically alone in the house all that time. I called H, he said he was sorry I'd had them, he would be home after Jo got out of school/MDO. We came downstairs and I turned on the TV for Noah and I tried looking online to distract myself. H was very concerned about the dreams being so disturbing, they were still so real to me into the evening. I plugged my phone to its charger telling H I wanted to call and just talk to my Dad, he said 'Oh, OK!'. I had DVR'd a movie for the boys, we were watching it, 30 minutes after I plugged my phone in H calls his oldest son from 1st marriage and talks about an hour, so its too late to call my Dad. I'm not mad, just really sad. Jonas is sleepy so H takes him up and they go to bed. Its still 9:30 CST so I call my oldest sister, we talk about 20-25 minutes. I want to talk about the 'estrangement' with the other 3, she says sure. I ask her what can I do, is there anything, anything I can say, what do I need to do to get them to reply to an email or something? (there was more pleading to it :bag). She says she doesn't know, she doesn't know what's going on. I tell her I know she knows what is going on, everyone does except me. 'Well, yeah, we've all talked, we just find you, with the things going on with H, to be a little emotional and tense, we just need a break from you.' REALLY? That from the 2 hours at T'giving and 2.5 hours at Christmas!?! How about a FYI?? The 4+ hour drive down there H b!tches, moans and complained to me about having to go both times. I want to go so bad because I want to see my family, I'm desperate to be with my family. At T'giving his older son calls and says he can't meet up so H pulls me aside and chews me out about how I am ruining his relationship with DSS. At Christmas H yanks me aside 2-3 times and lets me know how horrible a job I am doing at watching the boys. Yes, at both occasions I had to go to the bathroom and quickly compose myself, 2-3 minutes, I don't know, maybe 4, I knew I had to do it quick.

So 25+ people see Samantha's H pull her away, holding her by her arm and chewing her out, she tears up, lets avoid that situation. Yeah, she's our sister, aunt, we see obviously wants going on openly here, lets not consider what may be happening at home. (This is when things were alot worse)

She continues, of course I was welcome to come and see my Dad anytime (he's her step-dad, her dad took off when she was 5 or 6 and she hunted him down in her late 20's). She said my other 1/2 sister comes down 3 weekends a month and spends the entire time with him. Her phone cut out. She calls back but I didn't answer. When I called my Dad this (Thur) AM he said 'Well, thats a flat-out LIE!! She may come over for 5 minutes once a month or so, rest of the time those 2 are always together!'

As for today (posting late, referring to Thur.), OMG, it was so much worse....

[ShanaMama]

Samantha, hugs. I have no great advice, just know that I think of you often. Please read & reread Katie's (kijip) post above. Print it out & read it out loud. There is so much that is so wrong about your situation & you are an incredibly strong woman & mother. The way your H treats you is reprehensible & I believe you recognize that. It's fighting the psychological games that is so hard. When he shames you & makes you feel fearful & worthless.
If this post can help in only one way it should be this: keep expressing yourself. We are all here to support & love you, but the important part is that you remind yourself that you are not crazy, you do not deserve this & you are not to blame for your husband's behavior. Stay strong Samantha. I wish I had words of wisdom but instead I'll offer a :grouphug:.

[tiapam]

agree with Katie that at least some of your health problems often have a trigger - could be a physical trigger like a virus, or could be stress - so basically physical, mental or emotional stress. Or all three which is not totally impossible given that you have twins and one has autism. I am convinced that my thyroid disorder was triggered by a bad relationship (*really* hate to have chronic health problems as a reminder of that guy!)

abusers will often try to isolate their victim from friends and family. does your family like him? it sounds like maybe they don't. and he did buy a house in an isolated area without consulting you.

samantha, fyi, i am hypothyroid right now and have had some crazy dreams lately. i would def check into that.

[SammyeGail]

I wrote my lengthy response to you earlier without going back to search for your earlier post where you discussed your problems. I also missed some red flags that you said in this post while trying to think of a possible explanation (but not a justification) for your husband's behaviors. For that, I really apologize.

I considered deleting my earlier post but I think that I read something on here before saying that they didn't want us to delete posts. So, I'll just note there this additional post expressing my apology for trying to put a more benign spin on the situation. It does indeed appear that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I do hope and pray that you are able to find the help that you need. It sounds like others have offered you help in finding what you need, but I'd also be happy to help if you wish to PM me.

I wanted to let you know your original post did not bother me at all, he was upset that Jonas was in so much distress, he just failed miserably to express it properly. He didn't actually leave, he had quickly felt remorse for calling me that, it was kind of nice to see him do the 'dog with his tail between his legs'. I'm not excusing his behavior, its going on 2 years now, I know I'm being abused, I wanted you to know I understood what you were trying to say, you were correct in replying to my OP.

If it had been a one time thing or he just happen to loose it, that would be so different. I should have linked my other thread. I had meant to but spent so much time writing it all out I was so drained I forgot.

I truly thank you all so much for listening to me because as humiliating as this is to say, I don't have anyone else. Talking to my Dad and hearing him say he loved me, it mean so damn much because its the only person I can hear it from and believe it. I wish I were well and could go stay with him a while, he needs some help, he's as bad off physically as I am.

[SammyeGail]

agree with Katie that at least some of your health problems often have a trigger - could be a physical trigger like a virus, or could be stress - so basically physical, mental or emotional stress. Or all three which is not totally impossible given that you have twins and one has autism. I am convinced that my thyroid disorder was triggered by a bad relationship (*really* hate to have chronic health problems as a reminder of that guy!)

abusers will often try to isolate their victim from friends and family. does your family like him? it sounds like maybe they don't. and he did buy a house in an isolated area without consulting you.

samantha, fyi, i am hypothyroid right now and have had some crazy dreams lately. i would def check into that.

Last night actually I read into causes of some of my conditions. I had read adrenal gland disorder can be caused be extended amount of stress back in Feb.

I put this in quotes from writing it in the early AM hours, its a bunch of rambling of crap thats happened since mid-2005. Don't have to read it, but as I have read something too, not supposed to delete.


8-05 H was activated in the Reserves, no mission plan, unofficial word from Atlanta, 'we activated you because we could'. 1st 3 weeks he was at Fort Shelby I stayed with my sister, 2nd week her H attacked me, cursing me out, I was very upset (yeah, I'm sensitive, I was weak emotionally, etc) checked my contractions and had aprx 10 in 45 min. PTL. I was 24.5 weeks with the boys. Drove myself to the hospital, waited 2 hours until they told me the boys were safe. Right after Kartina, no where to stay. Lots of drama caused by sis and her DH that continued, I was on strict bed-rest and RX for contractions. H was put at the unit, kept there because of my condition. The boys were born at 33.5 weeks (11-05) due to fast onset of pre-eclampsia, blood pressure stayed at stroke level, they thought I was going to die. At that time we lived 45 min from all of my family, they all came for the birth except crazy sis, I was in the hospital 6 days and no one came back. Unit moved us to a nasty apartment (they won the contract) a week before the boys were born, for 3 months with preemies we lived in a gross ant infested apt. H would do nothing, I finally called around until I got the right person, got a much nicer apt 3 days later. Christmas 05 sis and her DH sent long horrible emails to us on Eve. What I remember that stands out is that she said she wished I had never been born because I took her mother away from her. Oh, and she will be forever traumatized that as a pre-teen I tried on her clothes once when she was out. OMG, that has never happened to an older sister :47:. We received threatening text on Christmas 'if' we came down to my parents from her DH. He's going to have friends watching the HWY they'll know the moment we drive into town, better watch out for anyone running a red light, etc. We have 4.5 week old preemies and getting threats like that, then supposed to go face these people!?! They never showed and my mother cried alot.

I am not prejudice, something you have to crawl out of growing up in small town AL. In these apts a white family was the minority. There was gang activity, next door 20+ immigrants lived in a 2 bedroom. behind us there were 6+ young 20's guys who partied all the time. Above us an abusive husband we got to hear.

We got to come home 9-06. H was working all the time, then coming home and working on things to get the house ready to list. The holidays were horrible because of the sis and her DH, still being butts. Making Mom cry saying they were coming and then not. (they lived on the same side of town). House listed 1st of Jan 07, taking care of 14-16 months old twins and keeping a house in show condition, drove me insane. As mentioned in first thread, H signed contract on this house, the cursed house, before ours is sold, but ours does sell 2 weeks later.

We close May 1st 06, worst move ever, I don't like the floorplan, ant infestation that totally freaked me out (its new construction!?!). We've done everything, they only show up inside when it rains, neighbors have them too. We must live above a secret ant burial ground or something. I start going to therapy in the evening because of the issues with my sister, I go close to 9 months, weekly or bi-weekly. That summer we are concerned at Jonas' development, EI blows us off, we finally google autism and he has lots of red flags. EI tells me they don't do autism. I'm already an emotionally distraught mother. I find a place to do an eval, 6 weeks on waiting list, 6 weeks of testing, 4 week wait for result, then given results explained by a speech therapist? WTH? Director on vacation, developmental therapist had just quit, we could have waited a week. Armed with a DX finally I call Nashville EI, talk to anyone I can, soon called back director at local city, set up meeting in May of 07. After 4 months and $1500, I could have gotten a letter with a DX from my pedi then called Nashville. Coordinator never starts services, never returns calls. I call director and fire her, new one is great. Therapist here all the time, have to keep the house nice, DH starting to get stressed at work, my mom is very sick. Jonas actually goes thru a period of regression, therapist say that typical but its heartbreaking. Then the battle to get him in the autism school, so much stress and anxiety. The verbal abuse has been going on, horrible things already said when I mention separation. He will hide the boys, because I went to counseling, see a psy for meds I'll be lucky to get supervised visitation, bla, bla, bla. Jonas' school gets approved. Maybe a week later my mother has a major seizure and is unresponsive, we rush home. She has MRSA, a brain infection, she had no immune system. (search bitching post for my thread about my siblings and how they acted at the hospital). My Mom passes away a few days later on the boys 3rd birthday. One sis wants to have Christmas at her house, I hear all the way there how bad its going to be, it was horrible, I hear 'I told you so' all the way home. Jan of 09 I get Mono. I feel like I never really recovered. I struggle to take Jo to school 1.5 hr drove round trip at 8:15, pick him back up at 3:30 3 days a week. Noah is in MDO, he has to go with me in the PM and screams the entire time. We try putting him in a preschool/daycare, he loves it at first, then we can tell he is miserable. Week 5 the director calls and says they just can't work with him because they can't understand him. He is speech delayed and went to speech therapy every week. That was so horrible to say, I lost it and gave her a good piece of my mind. Got in the car and pick him up. He was back at MDO that Mon.

The verbal abuse was so hard to take and I was begging for him to go to counseling with the Pastor at the Methodist Church, the Pastor had a bachelor's degree in Counseling. He refused. It was in town, he could have used his lunch hour and us went. My health deteriorated over the summer until the seizures started in Sept. My body was done. Then the months H wouldn't even take me to a dr...


I can't believe I have stayed up to write all this, but from what I've read, what I've been thru I might have Post-traumatic stress disorder...???

Risk factors

The traumatic event is especially severe or intense.
The traumatic event was long lasting.
Having an existing mental health condition.
Lacking a good support system of family and friends.
Having first-degree relatives with PTSD.
Having first-degree relatives with depression.
Having been abused or neglected as a child.

A complication listed is:
Autoimmune diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis and thyroid disease

I ran across PTSD googling fibromyalgia...

I don't know, maybe I am crazy, but what stood out were these symptoms:


Overwhelming guilt or shame
Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much (sometimes I want to cut myself, like leaving a mark to show what an awful person I am.)
Trouble sleeping-thats a give-in
Being easily startled or frightened

[VClute]

And who knows what type of people would be on the bus because this place is very, very country, not in a charming way,


Ouch.

Along with the rest of the posters, I'm worried about you, sister. Seeing only the futility in trying any possible solution is a symptom of depression, and I've been there so I get that. But I think what you really need is some IRL friends. Sure, the people there might not have been your first choice of friends when you were in AL, but I would bet that there is someone you could learn to like if you tried.

Also, I'm concerned about your meds.
My back is still killing me, its time to take something again and I take 1 xanax.

Xanax isn't a pain medication. If you're taking xanax to escape pain, your pain isn't being managed well enough. I'm not on here often enough to know all the ins and outs of your history, (though I do think I remember last summer's threads) but that's a red flag to me.

You can't change your husband. But you can endeavor to take the best care of YOURSELF possible. If it were your children, you'd endure anything to get them well, wouldn't you? You are no less worthy of your best than they are.

[SammyeGail]

Ouch.

Along with the rest of the posters, I'm worried about you, sister. Seeing only the futility in trying any possible solution is a symptom of depression, and I've been there so I get that. But I think what you really need is some IRL friends. Sure, the people there might not have been your first choice of friends when you were in AL, but I would bet that there is someone you could learn to like if you tried.

Also, I'm concerned about your meds.

Xanax isn't a pain medication. If you're taking xanax to escape pain, your pain isn't being managed well enough. I'm not on here often enough to know all the ins and outs of your history, (though I do think I remember last summer's threads) but that's a red flag to me.

You can't change your husband. But you can endeavor to take the best care of YOURSELF possible. If it were your children, you'd endure anything to get them well, wouldn't you? You are no less worthy of your best than they are.

Oh Amy, I took the xanax because I was in such a panic from the dreams! I've had panic attacks since I was in 4th grade, I've taken it on and off since I was 18, hoping the lexapro will help with the anxiety.

I would do anything in my power for my children, but as for my perspective on myself, I'm worthless.

Yesterday I did call my regular dr here in town and ask for a referral to a counselor, actually left the mssg with the NP, she's so sweet, there is a counselor who just started opened here in this town, I have an appt next Tue at 3:30. I was given the name of one at my psy. office, but she branched out on her on and I couldn't find a # for her in every search I did, they were all no longer active.