really insulted by some of DH's family!

[hollybloom24]

My husband had a cousin who died 25 of a sudden massive heart attack years ago - the cousin had a son who was two years old when he died, and his wife was pregnant at the time. My husband has kept in touch with his cousin's wife and their kids - not frequently, but 1-2 times a year sees them at family events and holiday cards, etc. The cousin has two brothers who we are in contact with, but not often at all. My MIL really kept in touch with them but she died nine years ago.

Three years ago we went to the son's wedding - we travelled to it and bought them a very expensive gift off their registry, partially because DH always felt bad for the son growing up without his dad.

A month ago DH's uncle passed away (he was the father of the cousin who died). Nobody bothered to tell us he died until after the funeral, and they did not sit shiva (they are Jewish). My husband was so hurt that he couldn't attend his uncle's funeral. Everyone knows our telephone number, address, emails, etc. Plus we are listed with 411 if the excuse was they lost our info...

Oh, and I sent all family members a sympathy card, including the son, and it was returned to me because they moved and their forwarding address expired. Thanks for letting us know! Ever heard of a change of address card or email?

Now we just learned that the son had his first child, and the bris was today, four hours from us. Again, nobody bothered to tell us or invite us. DH is mad and hurt. He would have dropped everything to have gone. I'm just mad.

At this point the family is to blame, but so is the son - he's a grown man, married with a child. He should take more responsibility for keeping in touch with family.

We hardly ever see these people, so it isn't like we could have offended them in any way. My DH used to send the son money when he was in college because again, he was trying to watch out for him since he had no father.

We are insulted. DH said I had to send a baby gift to keep the peace, and it was one hard gift for me to buy! I sent it to the mother's house, along with the returned sympathy card to make the point that they might want to do a better job keeping in touch with people.

Sorry so long...

[cntrymoon2]

That's incredibly rude, and I'd be annoyed, too!

[edurnemk]

Wow, that's terrible. I wouldn't send any more gifts or cards if this keeps happening. If they don't want to be close, to bad for them...

I feel bad for your DH, since he's been so good to them all these years. Some people don't know how to be grateful.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Wow, that's terrible. I wouldn't send any more gifts or cards if this keeps happening. If they don't want to be close, to bad for them...

I feel bad for your DH, since he's been so good to them all these years. Some people don't know how to be grateful.

i agree, that is really sad. however, i've noticed that a lot of relatives (especially men) are *horrible* at keeping in touch with extended family members. if their wives or mothers aren't super-involved and aren't pushing them to send a card to so-and-so or invite so-and-so from their family, they'd basically be cut off from everyone and not notice. i don't know what it is, but i often see that happen among male family members..i guess they dont' place as much importance on those kind of things. or it could be that the guy's wife doesn't support him keeping in contact with his family. i have a cousin whose wife basically wants all events (birthdays, weddings) to focus around her family, and goes out of her way to exclude her husband's family and the guy just goes along with it. either way, it's pretty sad though. i know i would feel extremely hurt if i did these things to support someone and after it all they never bothered to keep in contact.

[misshollygolightly]

I would be hurt too. However, it is possible that the son feels a bit awkwardly towards you guys, as he doesn't know you super well (other than occasional cards/gifts and visits). It may also be painful for him to be around you --relatives he doesn't know well reminding him of the father who died before he could really know him well. KWIM? It sounds like your family has done a good job of trying to stay in touch with his, and I wouldn't necessarily discourage you from continuing to try to do this if you want to. Obviously, I don't know all the details, but I'm just not entirely convinced that he's been intentionally snubbing you or even being lazy/ungrateful. Of course, you may be right. But with family, it's often best to give the benefit of the doubt, I think.

[Radosti]

The men I am related to do not stay in touch/send cards/buy gifts. They are socially awkward. I do all that for both families. And I learned who is important to my DH from my MIL. Now, if the son's mother did not impart that knowledge on the DIL, or if the DIL isn't yet aware that she is going to end doing it, it probably won't happen.

I hate to put it that way, but it really is that way in some families.

[Melaine]

I'm sorry to say it, but I am sure that some of DH's family feels exactly this way about us. Getting him to do any kind of connecting with them is like pulling teeth. It's not that he doesn't care about them, but I know that it all reminds him of his mother's death that was very sudden and traumatic for him at age 16. A couple years later he moved across the country and finds it very painful to think about. I feel bad about it, but I can't force him to call and write. It is different for people I know, but many of them I have never even met. So it's not as if I can really email or call them.

Anyway, I totally understand why you are angry. I guess I just hope that we don't make people angry too!

[viba424]

I have never been able to figure out the "aloof" gene in some people, if thats what it is in this case. Its so difficult to understand what people act like that. If it is indeed just ignoring you guys, that is terrible, especially if it is family related.