Would you stop buying a gift for someone who never says thanks?

[wendibird22]

As I was posting about the VB tote for $29 and thinking it would be a good gift to put away for SILs next birthday (next May), I realized that I never got a thank you for the gift I sent her this year. Or last year. Or the year before. They live 2hrs from us and her birthday is always Mother's Day or within a few days of it so we generally don't see her in person for her birthday and therefore I mail a gift. This year I sent her a gift collection from Philosophy. Last year I sent flowers. So, not only do I not get a thank you, I don't even know if the items actually get delivered. Actually, I'm pretty sure they do, it's just typical behavior to not get a thank you (my nieces 6 and 9 are the same way, as is my bro). It just irks me to no end that I make an effort to do something nice for her and get zero acknowledgement. So, I'm thinking from now on that I'd just send a card. No gift. What would you do?

For the record, my bro does things so last minute that my birthday gift is usually a gift card purchased at a store that he finds on the drive from his house to wherever he and I are meeting up. In other words purchased 30mins before it is given to me and with no forethought towards what I actually like or need.

[newg]

I would give them a call and ask if you can just exchange cards from now on. You obviously put a lot of thought into your gifts and they do not, plus they don't even acknowledge your wonderful gifts!

We started doing "just cards" with DH's brother and SIL......mostly because it was easier, and his brother asked if we could just focus on the kids now........................not quite the same scenario as you, but it didn't bother me at all that they asked to just do cards for the adults.

Do they get gifts for your DD's birthdays?

[alien_host]

I think we are from the same family! I never get thank you notes from one SIL (and kids) and it drives me batty...Granted more often than not we see them and give them a gift in person but the last time I handed one of the kids a b'day card with a gift card inside and I don't think he even said thank you...so annoying!

I like getting gifts for people, spending time to figure out what they would like etc...it infuriates me when it isn't really acknowledged properly....your situation is worse if they don't acknowledge at all. I know some folks feel it is fine to just thank in person but I think a note is nice...but I've come not to expect them anymore.

I'd just start sending cards as well...to be honest we were trying to get away from giving gifts to all the sibs and SIL/BIL because no one really needs anything. Now I stick to a token gift..often a small gift card b/c that's what they like, but I'd like to eliminate all together. SIL even forgot my birthday this year (no card, no call and I talked to her a week later and she didn't mention it)...so maybe this is the year for me to forget too ;)

[vonfirmath]

Depends on who? For a SIL? No. because I like giving gifts to family. I don't give them in order to receive. For a fellow I met on an online board and was doing just to be nice? Maybe It means I would not do the same again.

[scmama]

I like the idea of you just exchanging cards with them from now on. I'm really big on sending out thank you cards, and making sure that if someone sends me something I let them know that I got it and how nice it was of them. I also know some people aren't like that.

A few years ago, while my bff was living in Japan and had her twin girls, I was constantly sending her packages. Never once did she let me know she had even received them. I wasn't looking for the thank you because I knew how crazy everything was going for her with two little girls, but I really wanted to make sure she at least had gotten the packages. I insured them, etc and wanted to make sure they had arrived. I eventually got fed up and stopped sending her things because she never acknowledged receiving them.

[WolfpackMom]

That makes me crazy, we are big sticklers for thank you notes in my family, in DH's family, uhh not so much. I would probably just switch to sending cards if its happened this many times. But I think after the second time I would have picked up the phone and been passive agressive..."Hi, I wanted to make sure you got your birthday present, you didnt call or send a note or anything so I didn't know if you had gotten it." :)

[nov04]

In that situation, I would change to gift for sil and your brother. I would still get gifts for the kids as its not their fault their parents don't teach them manners.

[alien_host]

In that situation, I would change to gift for sil and your brother. I would still get gifts for the kids as its not their fault their parents don't teach them manners.

I agree, I would give to the kids...we still give to all the kids, even if we skip a gift or two for the adults.

[luckytwenty]

If they send you gifts, even thoughtless ones, I'd still get them something. But I wouldn't put much thought into it. And a gift for the home (like send them a fruit basket or a gift card, too) rather than SIL personally is fine. I wouldn't leave out the kids.

If they stop sending you giftcards, then I'd stop altogether. In my family, my brother and I exchange gifts but our spouses don't, and we don't do birthdays or holidays with my BILs.

I find that a lot of people have really lousy attitudes about gifts. They act like thank you notes are old fashioned and weird. Whatever. I don't need a personalized note myself--an email or phone call or text is fine. But no acknowledgement at all is incredibly self-absorbed and ungrateful.

[wendibird22]

Glad I'm not the only one with thankless gift receivers. I'm not even looking for a written note, an email or even a phone call to say "I received your gift" would be fine with me.

My bro and I stopped exchanging gifts with each other and spouses for Xmas so perhaps it's time to stop exchanging for birthdays too. We do buy for each other's kids and I won't stop doing that. We usually give the kids' gifts to them in person and so we at least know they received them.

I think sending a card at least acknowledges that I remembered her birthday.

[Sweetum]

I could well be your SIL but with the thank yous. My SILs are always giving us something and for some reason they don't want to accept anything! It's very frustrating and to me also condescending. I've managed to get across to the younger one, and she totally takes things now without much resistance, and it's now nice to get her something. The older one, also the older sis to DH, well, thinks herself as the matriarch of the family and cannot accept anything from us. Very, VERY frustrating. But she does put a lot of thought into the gifts she gives, and that just makes me feel like crap. I resist her gifts now, and if I'm forced to take them, or just say thanks and nothing more. I'm hoping that will discourage her from spending time, moeny and effort when I clearly don't appreciate her genenral attitude.

So, my vote goes for "send her a card". Do continue giving gifts to the kids, and do write thank you notes to them when they send your DCs gifts or even gift cards. In other words, if you have the right attitude/thoughts behind the gift-giving, continue being that way, but yes, maybe spend less time, money and effort.

[katydid1971]

I would give them a call and ask if you can just exchange cards from now on. You obviously put a lot of thought into your gifts and they do not, plus they don't even acknowledge your wonderful gifts!

We started doing "just cards" with DH's brother and SIL......mostly because it was easier, and his brother asked if we could just focus on the kids now........................not quite the same scenario as you, but it didn't bother me at all that they asked to just do cards for the adults.

Do they get gifts for your DD's birthdays?

:yeahthat: althought it was us saying just focus on kids to all our brothers and sisters. I think all the adults appreciated it because its so hard to shop for adults and we end up trading gift cards so what's the point.

[PMJ]

But I think after the second time I would have picked up the phone and been passive agressive..."Hi, I wanted to make sure you got your birthday present, you didnt call or send a note or anything so I didn't know if you had gotten it." :)


I would so want to do that !!! :yeahthat:

Not sure if I could though :)

I would def just do the cards now. Why waste your time/$$$ on people that won't appreciate it.

[wellyes]

Well, I'll go against the grain. Gifts are a gesture of friendship, an acknowledgment of connection, a show of appreciation. So I try to avoid thinking in "quid pro quo" terms. While it is always delightful to receive a thank you card, getting one is not my motivation for giving a gift -- so it does not impact whether or not I give future gifts. I also don't really measure how much effort I put into purchasing a gift vs how much the other person puts in. People are different. A thoughtful gift from one person might be considered a pushy gift to the recipient; some people think gift cards are truly the only appropriate gift in this day and age; others think gift cards are always tacky.

All I can control is what I do, so that's all I worry about. I am in the "gift cards are always tacky" camp so I never buy them to give. But to get one - a gift is a gift, and as a grownup I don't get that many anymore. It's always a little thrill to get a present!

[MontrealMum]

Here's my quick reply since I'm running out the door. We have the same problem with SIL, BIL and DN. For me, it's not that I need a formal, written thank-you, but just some acknowledgement that the gift arrived - an email, just a short phrase dropped into a phone conversation - that's more what I'm looking for. Or an oral thank you when you hand the kid a gift instead of him grunting and throwing it on the floor. It'd be nice to hear later on that they like it, or are using it or something, but honestly, that'd just be icing.

This has been a longstanding problem with my ILs and it pisses me off to no end. Not the gift for a gift, or the etiquette issues, but the complete lack of respect and caring. There's no short email or phone thank you in our case because they want very little to do with us. So if it were my family I'd interpret that as them not caring much about us at all and be offended. But it's DH's, so I let him take the lead.

I think you need to either drop down to a card also (didn't you say they only get you a card, no gift?), or confront them directly about discontinuing gifts. I will admit that my evil twin bought my DN thank you notes for Xmas a few years back :tongue5:

[fivi2]

Well, I'll go against the grain. Gifts are a gesture of friendship, an acknowledgment of connection, a show of appreciation. So I try to avoid thinking in "quid pro quo" terms. While it is always delightful to receive a thank you card, getting one is not my motivation for giving a gift -- so it does not impact whether or not I give future gifts. I also don't really measure how much effort I put into purchasing a gift vs how much the other person puts in. People are different. A thoughtful gift from one person might be considered a pushy gift to the recipient; some people think gift cards are truly the only appropriate gift in this day and age; others think gift cards are always tacky.

All I can control is what I do, so that's all I worry about. I am in the "gift cards are always tacky" camp so I never buy them to give. But to get one - a gift is a gift, and as a grownup I don't get that many anymore. It's always a little thrill to get a present!

:yeahthat:

I agree with this.

I will also add that some people seem to feel like thank yous are only for people who aren't family. I used to send thank yous to mil for everything and it seemed to bother her. I think she thought it was too formal and if we were "family" I wouldn't send her a thank you. So we have stopped. I do call her and thank her when a package arrives, but I no longer send a note. My step-mother, on the other hand, thinks a thank you note is needed if she hands me a kleenex. :)

[wendibird22]

Here's my quick reply since I'm running out the door. We have the same problem with SIL, BIL and DN. For me, it's not that I need a formal, written thank-you, but just some acknowledgement that the gift arrived - an email, just a short phrase dropped into a phone conversation - that's more what I'm looking for. Or an oral thank you when you hand the kid a gift instead of him grunting and throwing it on the floor. It'd be nice to hear later on that they like it, or are using it or something, but honestly, that'd just be icing.

This has been a longstanding problem with my ILs and it pisses me off to no end. Not the gift for a gift, or the etiquette issues, but the complete lack of respect and caring. There's no short email or phone thank you in our case because they want very little to do with us. So if it were my family I'd interpret that as them not caring much about us at all and be offended. But it's DH's, so I let him take the lead.

I think you need to either drop down to a card also (didn't you say they only get you a card, no gift?), or confront them directly about discontinuing gifts. I will admit that my evil twin bought my DN thank you notes for Xmas a few years back :tongue5:

Yes, exactly. As I said, I'm not looking for a thank you as in a written thank you, but just some sort of confirmation that I even got her a gift. And if as Welleys said, a gift is a gesture of friendship or connection, well then, I shouldn't have to get her anything because we don't have a relationship. I speak to/see my brother maybe 3-4x's a year (only holidays or kids birthdays) and most of those times SIL is less than friendly.

I'm actually seeing them Sunday so I am very tempted to go the passive aggressive route and ask her about the gift I sent back in May.

[hollybloom24]

Wow. Glad it isn't just me!

In my family if you don't send a thank you note or call, aunts and uncles stop sending gifts. My cousin got married 15 years ago and never sent any thank you card for wedding gifts and people are still talking about it.

For me, it depends on the situation. I know I'll never receive a thank you from my best friend for anything I send her, and I'll have to ask her if she even received the gift. But she is my BFF and I accept this about her. But others I am often not so forgiving...

[Ceepa]

In that situation, I would change to gift for sil and your brother. I would still get gifts for the kids as its not their fault their parents don't teach them manners.

Maybe I'm a bad relative but when SIL's kids received gifts from us (presents and/or monetary) for most of their lives without any acknowledgement or reciprocation for anyone in our family from the kids or SIL or BIL, the gift parade came to a grinding halt. One year I said to DH, look, the kids are old enough now (late teens) to have a sense of common courtesy, we never even hear from the family, this is ridiculous and beyond rude. Dh agreed with me. And my resentment level dropped dramatically from that point.

We did send a significant gift for a HS graduation recently but even that went unacknowledged. :irked:

[blisstwins]

When we stopped exchanging with SIL it was a happy day. Honestly I was hurt at first, but soon realized that she did not like what we sent and did not appreciate the thought that went into it, so better to save everyone the money and time.