What is the first step?

[Melaine]

DH and I want to adopt....someday. I'm not sure how soon we will really get serious about the applications and start the homestudy, etc. I know DH doesn't think that we are financially ready for it. I borrowed "Adoption for Dummies" from the library and scanned it. Any other book recommendations would be appreciated!

What should our first step be? Should we try to choose an agency, decide between domestic and international, or just keep reading and saving our money? I started a thread about this awhile back and got some great feedback, but I'd love more specifics on the first steps we should pursue. THANKS!!!

[icunurse]

Right now, I'd focus on reading and saving. Visit some adoption sites to get information - adoption.com, some agencies have forums, too. Adoptive Families Magazine is great. Try to talk to lots of people who have adopted about their experience. Take "information" from people who know people who have adopted with a huge grain of salt - you can get some really messed up info that way! Adoption in all forms is scary, all kids come with baggage and a history that you have no control over. Some perks to one form of adoption comes with drawbacks, too. Don't let one or two things that make you uneasy completely rule an idea out. Now is your time to learn and question.

Once you figure out which direction you want to pursue, then you can focus on it and read even more books :) There seem to be some good resoucres on here for all types of adoption and feel free to PM if I can be of any help (adopted twice domestically, assisted with community adoption education and outreach through our agency).

[sadie427]

Depends a little bit about how long you think you'll wait to adopt. Sounds like it could even be a few years? In that case I wouldn't do too much in-depth research right yet or look into agencies, because things can change--e.g. whole countries become more or less off-limits to adoption or become more open for adoption, even with domestic adoption things change quite a bit (e.g. it is probably not as easy to adopt a healthy African-American infant now as it was a few years ago.) Unless you think you might adopt in the next six months to a year, I'd just focus on saving money, and maybe read a little.

[JustMe]

I see you've already gotten some good advice. I know it is hard to feel like you want to do something, yet other things are not in place yet. In a way what you are experiencing is very much a part of the adoption process: waiting, waiting, waiting!

I have 2 additional possibilities that you might enjoy, which would take very little time and no money. One is to see if you have a local adoption agency that has free informational meetings/orientations. You would get to go and ask questions, probably learn something, etc. I know you are a ways a way from needing to attend such a meeting, but it may interesting and useful. The other is to see if you have any local adoptive parent groups. You can see if the local adoption agency knows of any, do an internet search, ask at the libary etc. We have one in my town that I found before I was able to start my process. I was invited to go to their events and did go to a few. Sometimes they have child-friendly events, so you may be able to bring the girls. I got to meet lots of adoptive parents, find out about the different ways they adopted, ask lots of questions, etc. In some ways it was surreal, and I wondered if I would ever be in their shoes, but in other ways it was a part of me knowing that I was on the path towards being an adoptive parent.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Melaine]

Thanks everyone. We have been to an adoption seminar by a local agency, but I would like to go to more. I found one that is about an hour away and it is an agency I am interested in, so I might talk to DH about going to that. I didn't think about checking for local parent groups, that sounds great.
Yes, I do feel like I've already been waiting. I just am afraid it will take DH forever to be "ready" and then we will have to wait longer once we get the process started. But I know that is part of the process and I also know I can't control every little thing....

Thanks!

[AlbrightRC]

A huge step is deciding if you want to go domestic or international. And what country if you decide international. Once this is decided you can focus your reading more and start looking at agencies.

[Melaine]

A huge step is deciding if you want to go domestic or international. And what country if you decide international. Once this is decided you can focus your reading more and start looking at agencies.

DH and I are leaning in opposite ways on this. How do you ultimately decide? As far as qualifications, I think our age, etc. should leave most options open. I guess that was one of my questions: Do we look for an agency we like and then narrow down from there the options they give us. Or, do we get our heart set on domestic or a specific country and then find an agency that can facilitate that?

I think I actually need an adoption consultation from an expert to help me with this!

[crl]

Personally I would decide domestic vs international first, agency second. If you chose international, I advise choosing an agency with multiple options for countries you are interested in. I say that because for our second adoption, we went through three countries and three agencies before ending up with a domestic adoption through an adoption attorney. We blew through a lot of money and time starting the process essentially from scratch with each country change. Countries close, slow down, change their rules, etc

Catherine

[Pepper]

Yes, I do feel like I've already been waiting. I just am afraid it will take DH forever to be "ready" and then we will have to wait longer once we get the process started. But I know that is part of the process and I also know I can't control every little thing....

Thanks!

You mentioned that your DH wanted to be ready financially, but from this quote I wonder if you are talking about something else - taking forever to be ready to add another child to your family, or to add another child through adoption?

I agree with the other posters that it would be good to decide what type of adoption you're interested in, then find an agency to work with. We decided against domestic for several reasons - we worried that we'd have a loooong wait before birthparents would choose us. We also decided that we didn't want to risk the heartbreak of birthparents changing their minds and deciding to parent their child - which does happen.

We live in a very diverse town, and we have a pretty diverse social circle. I do think it's a bit easier for us to be a transracial/transcultural family because of those things, but I have learned - even in diverse communities, people still expect children to look like their parents. It helps to have a lot of other adoptive families that look just like ours nearby, to network and have playdates with. (I'm not saying that you can't adopt internationally if you don't live in a diverse area - just that you will have to work harder to find role models and people who look like your child).

you asked for book reccomendations - our agency suggested "Adotion Parenting." It was actually require reading for our 2nd adoption (which was kind of annoying, b/c DS1 had already been home for 3 years but they made us do it anyway!).

[Melaine]

No, I'm just talking about DH saying, "Ok, now is the time, we are financially ready to adopt". He doesn't have reservations about adoption, just about our financial state. And I know he wants to let the girls get a bit older. It's hard to pin down how much older, because for him it's a non-issue when we still need to save more money first.
Thanks for the book rec! I will try to get that from the library.

[Pepper]

No, I'm just talking about DH saying, "Ok, now is the time, we are financially ready to adopt". He doesn't have reservations about adoption, just about our financial state. And I know he wants to let the girls get a bit older. It's hard to pin down how much older, because for him it's a non-issue when we still need to save more money first.
Thanks for the book rec! I will try to get that from the library.

Well then, it may be helpful to know that you usually don't have to write the really big check until you get a referral. It depends on the agency and the program, but with our adoptions which were from Korea, I'd say we paid roughly 20-30% of the total costs in the first few months (application, homestudy, admin & govenmental processing fees), 50% when we recieved the referral (a few months later for DS1, but now the wait times are 18-24 months), and the remainder when we traveled. So if you decided on a program that is likely to have an extended wait for referral, you'll have more time to save up the cash while your girls are getting older :wink2: