Retraction of Bitch about SIL . . . and wierd situation

[sste]

I have complained here about SIL visiting and sleeping until 2pm (yes, 2pm) each day and also giving us in advance fairly extensive lists of food items (recall the water-extracted decaf and organic yogurt but must have probiotics). Well, among all of our lame relatives, SIL without any asking on our part has actually offered to come and help out with our upcoming new arrival!! Yay SIL! I am very touched and gratified and am now willing to water extract the caffeine from her coffee personally.

The wierd part. SIL has had four miscarriages in the past 18 months, including an esp. traumatic one at five and a half months. She has been tremendously supportive of my pregnancy. In a way that is different from my prior pregnancy and different from my prior relationship with SIL. For example, she is flat out broke and she sent me a $100 prenatal massage gift certificate. She mailed me maternity clothes. Sent me a special mother's day card. And now this. While I have tremendous respect for the way she is handling this and have thanked her profusely . . . I feel awful for her.

I am going to accept her offer. But, is there anything I should be careful of? The situation is just a little wierd and makes me nervous. Is there anything I can do when she is here with our new baby to make things easier for her emotionally?

[elektra]

Time to stock up on some probiotic yogurt!
Maybe by emersing herself in your pregnancy is somehow helping her get through her own hurt. But I can see where you would be nervous. I mean, is she going to have a breakdown when it all hits home that first week helping you out with all the newborn stuff?
After you profusely thank her and tell her how generous she is being, I might just flat out ask her before hand that you totally understand if she doesn't want to deal with all the newborn baby stuff in light of all that she has been through (of course crossing your fingers that she is ok with it since I know you need the help!)

I know that after one of my losses, I went and visited a friend with a new baby. She was all worried that it was upsetting to me. But I was truly happy for her and didn't feel jealous. But that was only a second lost pregnancy for me, not a 4th and neither went past 7 weeks.
But I also have a girlfriend (who is due with twins any day now) who went through several miscarriages and basically avoided me like the plague for a year because she could not stand to be around babies or even talk about babies. It just tore her apart.

So I might just try to clear the air a bit before hand so you don't have to worry so much about it while she is there. She will have her hands full as it is!

Also, maybe task her with caring for your DS more than your new little one. That is honestly where you will probably need the most help if he is going to be home with all of you. I think the tiny baby might tear at her heartstrings a bit more possibly.

[wellyes]

Oops double!

[wellyes]

I might just flat out ask her before hand that you totally understand if she doesn't want to deal with all the newborn baby stuff in light of all that she has been through (of course crossing your fingers that she is ok with it since I know you need the help!)

I agree with this - as painful as it is, I think it's best to acknowledge what she's been through and that she might have a strong emotional response to taking care of a newborn. I've had a m/c and I would have been fine being someone's newborn support - but just one, very early, nothing like she's experienced. Let her know that as grateful as you are for the offer, she can graciously step back from it if that's what best for her; no matter what, she will still be a very special aunt for your LO on the way.


Also, maybe task her with caring for your DS more than your new little one. That is honestly where you will probably need the most help if he is going to be home with all of you. I think the tiny baby might tear at her heartstrings a bit more possibly.

As someone with a 1 week old and a 2.3 year old at home I can give that a huge :yeahthat:. The baby is a piece of cake compared to the toddler.

[AnnieW625]

that's great, but I honestly think this could be her way of coping. When we lost the baby at 5 mos. too the best feeling I got was going to a baby shower 6 weeks post loss and seeing the happy mom and the happy guests. Not quite caring for a newborn, but seeing people talk about babies or seeing happy healthy babies really helped too. I would split her time between the two kids.

[Kestrel]

hmmm... something else you might consider...

I had a hard time visiting a mom/newborn in the hospital and seeing women in labor when I was post-loss. It may be easier for her _not_ to come to the hospital/birthing center/whatever, and just help you when you get home. It would have been for me.

[candaceb]

that's great, but I honestly think this could be her way of coping. When we lost the baby at 5 mos. too the best feeling I got was going to a baby shower 6 weeks post loss and seeing the happy mom and the happy guests. Not quite caring for a newborn, but seeing people talk about babies or seeing happy healthy babies really helped too.

I unexpectedly had the same feeling last year when my sister gave birth three months after my loss. Going to the hospital and seeing all of the healthy, pink, screaming babies in the nursery restored my faith that babies are born normal and healthy and maybe there was some hope for the future.