View Full Version : How do you deal with people who creat negative environment when you are pg?

07-10-2010, 11:35 AM
I feel sad. My own family abandoned me. This is my #3 and I am 38 wks. My own mother refuses to come to help out this time as she doesn't like our apt and where we live. She complainted the whole time when she came to help out when #2 was born. I asked my brother to come this time. He came two days ago and left last night. He got mad at me for asking him to help me out. Dh was working late as usual. So, I had no help. My brother didn't do anything beside browsing the internet(not work related) or laying down watching TV on the couch. The house was just a mess. The kids were screaming. He said that he was only here to stand-by? Beside that, he got mad at me that I didn't treat him nice enough. I used to get the food/milk ready for him and asked him to come to eat. This time, I told him to help himself.

I honestly stopped talking to my mom a few months ago. She blamed everything that didn't go her way to me, i.e. my sis didn't talk to her. I felt stress whenever I talked to her. The health of my baby is my first priority. So, I didn't try to be patient and let her yell at me on the phone or chase my brother and apologize(for?). Am I a bad daughter or sister? I used to be the one who pleased everyone. But now, I have two kids to take care of and my husband is alway busy, and I am very pregnant. I thought I would get help not extra work or stress. WWYD?

07-10-2010, 01:01 PM
So sorry you're going through this. But the situation you're describing is setting you up for PPD...just say no. You have to take care of your health and all your babies' happiness, by not allowing toxic family members into your home, either physically or mentally.

It sounds like you're a great daughter and sister, and far more patient than I would be. But in this situation, being a great mom has to take precedence over the other relationships.

If possible, hire help for the next month or so...and if not possible, what about your friends? Do you have some close women friends, or people at your place of worship, who could help you out?

07-10-2010, 01:03 PM
:hug: At 38 weeks, I'd do only what I could manage, and let the rest go. #1 priorities at that point: Taking care of mama, baby, kids. Feeding, entertaining and letting other folks load me up with negative stuff would not be cool. I'm the family people-pleaser and am still learning how to NOT be, so I can't give any good advice on how to go about setting boundaries. However, I don't suffer much foolishness when I'm expecting, and that goes double for family foolishness. I just keep giving myself permission to say no to people and deal with it if they can't/won't help me out. Hope it gets better for you, and congrats on your third DC!

07-10-2010, 10:36 PM
I have a similar situation. I am hiring out like there is no tomorrow (this is with one DC age 2 and another on the way). My DC is in daycare 3-4 days a week and with his nanny 1-2 day per week. Even though I will be on maternity leave through mid-January I am increasing the nanny to three days per week, I am hiring a night nurse for one night per week, and I am working with a doula who will help me both during labor and as needed post-partum.

I have also set us up for organic grocery delivery and have a weekly housekeeper. I have identified a gym with excellent and affordable child/infant care so on the days the nanny isn't there I can drop the baby off there for 2 hours and go for a swim and sauna.

Although I initially worried I was being spoiled or wasting money, my dh has convinced me that a new baby is a precious period in life and its worth having whatever help we need so that we enjoy it rather than just survive it.

07-10-2010, 11:13 PM
I agree with the PPs. I am on maternity leave and, wacky as it sounds, I've actually increased the hours per week my older child goes to daycare. It is an investment to me - bonding with my new LO.

It's better to know you can't count on your brother and mother. Don't get any further enmeshed in the drama if you can avoid it at all. Have a nice cup of tea and relax, you deserve it!

07-11-2010, 11:08 AM
Thanks for all advice and support. The only thing that I have worried about is who will watch my older kids when I am labor at the hospital. I hope Dh can be there with me and my brother could watch the kids. It doesn't turn out as we planned.

Fortunately, I have a great friend who offers to be here with them. However, I feel bad and embarrased to ask her for a big favor. She has her handful with her own kids but is absolutely wonderful and offers to help me right away when I told her the situation yesterday. I wonder how my family who has kept saying that they love me but can't be here when I need help the most.

Badi Bahu
07-13-2010, 09:39 AM
Take your friend up on her offer! Refusing her offer would just be another example of your trying to please everyone. And always trying to please everyone contributed to your being in this uncomfortable, unhappy situation.

See, a lot of us think that if we're nice to everyone and help them, that when we need help, they will rise to the occasion--but that's just not how people work. Instead, they get used to your kindness, and when you need some in return, they get annoyed--since you were always helping them, they never thought they would need to help you.

Stand up now, and keep doing it. This doesn't mean you can *never* help these people who take you for granted, but when you do help, do it with the full expectation that you may still be on your own when you need help.

To start getting what you need, you're also going to need to ask for help--and not in a general way. Ask specific people if they could do a specific thing for you. This probably feels against your nature, but it's not! It's against your behavior, and behavior is something you can change. It's hard, but it can be done, and it's the only way you're going to start getting the tidbits of what you need. And work on not feeling guilty when they actually help you out. While many of us are capable of doing this on our own, there is no need for us to be on our own, and help and community can make everyone so much happier!

I hope it doesn't seem like I am being unsympathetic. I am *so very* sympathetic to what you're experiencing. But people, even ones you love and ones who love you, do not always just do what love should be motivating them to do. They can be selfish and feel entitled. Equally sad is the fact that people don't always appreciate the efforts you've made for them; instead they take you for granted. It seems many people really begin to appreciate you only when you demand and expect it from them. Start demanding and expecting your appreciation!