One grandparent who drags the other down with respect to DC involvement

[sste]

FIL is a bit self-centered and gets very stressed and exhausted after an hour or two with DS (though FIL is in better physical shape than dh and I!). For nearly 100% of their visits, he and MIL cancel on us or leave early/cut hours, often with little or zero notice, based on various pretextual or logistical reasons. FIl is also cranky during these visits and sometimes short. MIL, who adores long days with DS, won't visit on her own and keeps on making plans which FIL then cuts or cancels. ILs are attached at the hip with respect to family visits and again, invested in this fantasy that grandpa loves spending time with DS.

Well, DH and I have complicated schedules and this is a big PITA, esp. because they feel that they want solo time with DS so they set up with us their watching DS for some period of time that we then rely on. And then after typically 8-12 calls to make, change, and re-change plans, they bail or cut hours short!

The two parts that annoy me the most. The unspoken sentiment is that they would visit more if relations with ME weren't strained . . . whereas the reality is that they don't visit because they are having this marital conflict and feelings which they can't admit. Second, I have to deal with many of their emails and plan changes . . . DH has been a saint about dealing with my crazy family so I have tried to be tolerant but I am starting to lean toward a "Blood Schedules with Blood" model . . .

[niccig]

Can you NOT have them look after DC when you rely on them. As in, they've shown in the past that they are unreliable and will change plans, so don't have them come then? Schedule their visits when it's not crucial childcare and if they bail, no big deal. If they do follow through, you can still be out of the house a lot, working or having time together so they get alone DC time.

I would put my foot down on this with DH - your lives are stressful as it is, without grandparents bailing when you need them the most, and causing even more stress, and resentment for them flaking on you.

[sste]

This has been tricky because I am not thrilled about spending the day with ILs once a month. I do like to see them for an hour or two but more than that and the strain in our relationship does start to show. So, I try to make plans to be outta there!

I would be willing to do the dh and I hang out with them/don't make other plans model *if* we saw them less frequently - - as in every two or three months. But, what they want is to pop in once a month or two at their (retired) convenience, have us block out at least one weekend day, change plans a zillion times, and kind of leave us waiting in the wings. Which is hard when dh and I work/travel 1-2 weekends per month so our family time and friend time and errand time for that matter is very limited.

I will say we NEVER make plans snymore for them to watch DS when we absolutely need coverage - - for example the day they offered we knew the daycare was the back-up and we turned down MIL's offer of newborn care because the writing was 100% on the wall we would be left in the lurch, esp. as they vacation in cape cod all summer and would not when it came down to it want to actually leave.

I think it is all the freaking scheduling back and forth that gets to me! And I find it a little hurtful when FIL gets short/cranky and so I try to avoid being around that . . . I know he is just older and cranky and its not personal but my internal reaction is always WTH you are LUCKY to be here with DS and should be appreciative of us accomodating you!

[niccig]

I would still not have their visit fall on a weekend when you really need them. It's just so much stress to get yourself out of town and not know if they'll be there or not, and then last minute find a back up/or not go.

They are not going to change, you have to change what you do. So, I would start by not having visits on the crucial weekends. Give them several other options. They can still have a whole weekend day, you can spend a little time with them then get the heck out of there and go do something else for the next 8 hours, but not have it be something that can't be changed. Or set up a babysitter for that 8 hour period as a back-up, but I would still be in town

You might run into the problem I have. My mother does not like her schedule being dictated to by someone else, and most definitely not DS. I was pushing for an answer so I could arrange DS's Summer camps etc. She refused to come visit as they had too many commitments in August - tennis and friends. I was beyond Pissed off and posted here about it. I now have this attitude with her - we would love you to visit, lets try and work it out. But I am not tying myself up in knots to accommodate her. If she comes when DS is in school 5 days a week, so be it, she won't see him much.

Honestly, I don't think they'll visit much and I've decided that I'm not jumping on the plane to make up for it. We're going this Dec and then won't go again until Summer 2012 as Summer 2011 we're going to see my sisters in the UK. Either they visit us in 2011 or it will be another 18 months until they see DS. I know my dad wants to see DS more, and DH is going to have a chat with him about it, as dad is the only one that can make my mother do something. If they don't visit, Dad will miss out on DS too and it will be because he won't stand up to my mother or visit on his own. That's his decision.

If your ILs get annoyed that it's your schedule that sets the weekend and not theirs, then tough tooties. I'm no where near as busy as you and your DH and I'm not jumping through someone else's hoops when I've got plenty of my own. Give them plenty of options and if they want to see DC, they'll make it work. I've decided that my mother really doesn't want to see DS, she makes a show of being an involved grandmother, but she isn't. Now my MIL, she's very involved and has changed HER plans to help us out...I'll jump through lots of hoops for MIL. I don't like to travel at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but as MIL has changed her Summer plans for me, we're going to Thanksgiving at her house - she didn't ask us to. I told DH we should go as she's so helpful, so I'll suck it up and do a red-eye at peak travel time.

[marge234]

UGH. It does sound like the game they play around your DS isn't going to change, and you're going to continue to be jerked around. But once a month is too often. I mean even if they were lovely and reliable, it's too much to expect a busy people to set aside a whole day (even if the non-fiction version of the visit turns out to be much shorter than a day).

Is DH determined for them to visit that often? Can the two of you agree to reduce the pain by stretching out the visits? Mark on your calendar the days you and DH are going to spend the day together as a family. Those aren't available. Don't cop to this, just tell the ILs you have other things you can't easily change on XYZ days but & offer another day 2 weeks later.

And when they are (supposedly) coming--could you plan to do your own thing and have DH plan to stay home? He will either spend the time with his parents and DS or--if they bail altogether come late, or leave early--it'll be alone time with him and DS.

Just a couple thoughts. But mostly wanted to say UGH.