How to deal with someone who brings you down (long)

[boolady]

We are very blessed as our neighborhood has lots of kids in DD's age range, and for the most part, they all play together very, very nicely. In the summer, when she and I or she and DH pull in after work/school, some combination of the kids are outside, or they are shortly thereafter, and she likes to play. I say all of this because I love that she has the opportunity to be outside, chase fireflies, play, and get to know the neighborhood kids, so simply staying away from this person is not an option.

All of the parents are very friendly and we all stand around and chat while the kids play. There is one mom, however, who is just incessantly negative and (I think) mean-spirited and sometimes baiting. She nitpicks about other people, makes under-her-breath comments, and is just unpleasant to be around. I started writing a long post with lots of examples, but no one wants to read them, I'm sure.

I understand the competitive aspects of it, which I'm not into (no, I don't care how many shoes your DD has, and you'll be sadly disappointed to find out that I'm quite pleased that she has Keens, a pair of sneaks, and a pair of Crocs all at the same time) and just politely respond by saying, "Oh, that's nice," or "Yes, mmhm." It's not my game, but this I can deal with.

The nastiness is what I increasingly can't deal with. I don't care what she says about me when I'm not around because, well, I don't care. What I find myself less able to handle lately are the rude/nasty/unwarranted/under-the-breath comments about perfectly nice, kind neighbors and their kids. I have found myself just taking a few steps away when she's said something that gets my blood boiling until I get myself under control, because it's well-within my nature to just look at her and say, "What's wrong with you? Why are you always so mean and nasty about everyone?" But, for DD's sake, I have not. I don't need to cause problems for her when DD, her daughter, and one other girl in the neighborhood are all born within 8 days of each other, and if we still live here, will no doubt see a lot of each other in school in 2 years, in addition to our very close-knit neighborhood scene.

So, what are some coping skills I can use to help me just deal with her? Avoiding her by not letting DD play with the neighborhood kids is simply not an option I'm willing to entertain. DD is already something of an outsider because she's at daycare/school 4 days per week, and most of our neighborhood is SAHMs, so I like that she gets to mingle with the local kids, and it's additional time for her to be running and playing outside. I just need to figure out what to do, because I can totally see that on the wrong day, I could let her verbally have it.

Oh, and just so you know I'm not crazy, at least one other mom has mentioned to me that she's hard to talk to and unpleasant and has actually said things to this mom that were offensive. Where to go from here? TIA.

[BabyBearsMom]

I had a similar situation with a coworker who would bad-talk other coworkers. I always responded with "I think other coworker is a lovely person." This worked well for me because 1) I wasn't directly saying "I disagree" which kept me from having a confrontation with the coworker; 2) Made me feel good that I was staying positive and not supporting the negative person; and 3) Usually made my negative coworker feel uncomfortable so she stopped talking about the other person. After using the positive responses a few times, the coworker realized that I wasn't interested in commiserating with her and stopped making the comments to me. Granted she doesn't speak to me much anymore, but I don't feel that as a loss. I feel bad for her though. I think that she wanted to make conversation but really hadn't developed sufficient social skills beyond high school style gossip, so she didn't know what else to say to me.

[catpagmo]

I have always found that saying "oh" works for me. If you say it enough, maybe she'll stop talking. :)

[sste]

Silence is very powerful. Most people can't tolerate total silence in response to their talking. Just be at peace with it and let the silence drag out a bit. Then, when you do talk after your meaningful silence don't address a word she has said and make a comment about the weather, the kids are enjoying their playing, etc.

If she is so dense she doesn't get that after a few repetitions, then make an excuse and walk away when the nastiness starts, "Oh, I am going to check on DD, looks like she might need some more sunscreen/laces tied/etc." Do this consistently - - she will likely start to change her behavior but if she doesn't at least you don't need to listen to it!

[cvanbrunt]

How about "If (insert whatever she is nasty about) is bothering you so much/is causing a problem for you and your family, maybe you should talk to (insert person here) about it. X is a great person and I'm sure you guys could work something out."

[boolady]

Here's the problem, and I sound unappreciative of everyone's suggestions, and I'm really very appreciative. I've tried ignoring her and I've tried walking away. I can't always walk away, because DH isn't usually there. I can't go in my house and leave DD outside. I've also tried yessing or just sort of tacitly agreeing/ignoring her, and it doesn't work. Yesterday, she tried baiting me by asking me a question and I ignored her. She just asked me again, louder, in front of 2 other moms and all of the kids. At some point, I feel like I have to respond, but why should I have to defend myself because she wants to know something so absurd that she's just trying to make me look silly? This is my problem.
The normal tactics do not work, at all. And I did walk away yesterday, when she started mocking my neighbor for saying she wanted to get her kids some more blocks. I looked at her, looked at DH, who was there at the time, and said, "I'm going in to go to the bathroom and get a drink. Can I get anyone anything?" and walked away.

[SkyrMommy]

I think the PPs 'oh' and possibly silence or walking away are probably the best bet, it stinks that isn't working. It sounds like such a lovely group of kids for your DD to play with and it's too bad that one nasty personality is trying to undermine it.

Of course calling her on it is also an idea... laughing out loud in the group at one of her nasty comments and when people want to know what is so funny quote her and then turn the comment around in a positive way - 'are you kidding? so-and-so is just a doll' or 'that's just silly, such-n-such is not at all like that it's just lovely!' Maybe she'd get a hint.

[boogiemomz]

Good suggestions here... I agree to either respond with a positive comment or silence. When I've been in a grumpy mood and grumbling to someone who is positive and refuses to participate, it really makes an impression, and makes me want to be the kind of person who sees the good in everyone (something I could stand to work on!). I can't imagine that if you consistently respond to her nasty comments with positive ones that she wouldn't tone it down a bit. And if it doesn't work, silence and/or creative escape attempts! Sorry you're dealing with this, and kudos to you for tolerating her for your DD's sake. It's so great that she has such a good group of neighborhood kids to play with, and you're such a good mama to see the benefit of that for her even when it is a really unpleasant situation for you. :hug:

Also, the more I think about it, this might sound snarky, but it might make me feel a little bit better to know that the other parents on the block seem to be bothered by her too. Even in silence, you can know that others feel the same way. Almost makes me feel kind of sorry for this particular mom, that she is so unhappy AND clueless about how to behave socially that she probably doesn't have any friends (perpetuating her disdain for others). Doesn't make it any easier for you, though.

ETA: Just read your update, and I have to say I'm a little curious what kind of "baiting" questions she's asking you. It's one thing to have to respond positively to an off-hand comment about someone else, but if she's directly trying to engage you about something... I don't know. Is it not something that you could just come back at with something positive and kind? Also, sounds like you handled the recent situation perfectly, going to get a drink, offering to get others something, etc. If you are really backed up against a wall, though, it might come to a point where you just need to VERY calmly and, as non-threateningly as possible, tell her you're not comfortable talking about XYZ.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't know if this helps, but once someone I was kind of work friends with in my after college job made a comment about another colleague's race. I just said, "wow, what do you say about black people when I'm not around?" She turned beet red. You could just say to your neighbor "wow, what do you say about me when I'm not around". Call her on being the gossip/b**ch that she is.

This is a sucky situation, normally I, and it sounds like you, would just tell this person to shut their trap. But the kid relationships make it so difficult. Ugh. :(

[misshollygolightly]

Hmm...since so many of the usual methods don't seem to be working in this situation, I wonder if it would help for you to be more "pro-active" in directing the course of the conversation? Maybe you can focus the conversation on topics other than other people--namely by asking your neighbor questions that get her talking about herself. Sounds like she may have some self-esteem issues, so maybe you'll also give her a little boost by appearing interested in her life. Obviously, this strategy will require more effort on your part and you'll probably still have some awkward moments when she says something snarky, but it might be worth trying for a while!

Here are some examples of what I mean:
She starts to say something snarky about another family's toys, and you jump in at first opportunity to ask what her daughter's favorite toys are these days

She starts to bait you by asking a question about X and you jump in and ask her what she thinks about X

[katydid1971]

How about saying "I don't like gossip, can we talk about something else?" or "Please keep your negative comments to yourself." It sounds like the person is socially clueless and you might have to just spell it out for her because she isn't catching your clues. If you need to walk away and watch the kids from another place (across the street or just 10 feet away).

[mytwosons]

I like Twinfoxes idea of asking her what she says about you.

I've been trying to work on something similar myself. When someone asks me a question, no matter how inappropriate, my first response is to answer. I'm trying to stop myself and ask a question in response. Something like "Why do you ask?". Put it right back on her.

As for the mean mom in my life, it has taken some time, but distancing myself is working. I no longer approach her about anything. And, I call her on stuff. IMHO, her nastiness is so ingrained, she's going to have a really hard time changing. I'm not sure she cares enough to work that hard, but at least when I've called her on it, she seems embarrassed and stops.

[Twoboos]

I've been trying to work on something similar myself. When someone asks me a question, no matter how inappropriate, my first response is to answer. I'm trying to stop myself and ask a question in response. Something like "Why do you ask?". Put it right back on her.


This. The last time MIL asked me a completely inappropriate question, I tried to deflect it and she kept coming right on back to it. Finally I said, "Well that's an odd question. Why do you ask?" Which made her run off and cry. So apparently it's pretty powerful, LOL. (Granted, she is overly sensitive and childish, so YMMV. ;))

I also like TwinFoxes' (What do you say about me when I'm not around?) and katydid's (can we talk about something else) responses.

[niccig]

I think you might need to try all the responses.

I have several elderly neighbours and they all gossip and say mean things about each other - I think it's boredom and stirring up something interesting in their lives.

I had one lady comment negatively about a neighbour, who had done something very generous for my son. So, I told her that. "X is a lovely person, he went out of his way to do y for my son." I haven't heard any comments about X since because I won't join in on the negativity.

I hope you can find a way to deal with her.

[boolady]

This. Finally I said, "Well that's an odd question. Why do you ask?" Which made her run off and cry. So apparently it's pretty powerful, LOL. (Granted, she is overly sensitive and childish, so YMMV. ;))

I like this a lot. I actually think she would have nothing to say...a lot of what she says isn't questions, but I think even saying, "Hmm. Why do you say that?" might really trip her up, given that none of it is appropriate (IMHO) to be gossiping about.

I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful responses and attempts to help. I'm taking it all in and giving it a try. I'm a lawyer, and spend a lot of time ignoring and/or trying to gracefully respond to rude comments and questions at work. This woman just has me stymied. Thanks again!

[Globetrotter]

I have a friend who nitpicks a lot. She is a close friend and means well, but I find her way too critical about others, and very judgemental. I usually say, "oh really, I've had the opposite experience" or "That's odd.. she's always been nice to me" or "That doesn't bother me". I also try to give her perspective, too, or explain why so and so does this or that, but she is a close friend and it's worth it to me. Your situation is different so I would just stick with the "Oh really, I haven't noticed that" type comments.

I'd want to make it clear that I don't agree with her ;) As far as possible, excuse yourself when she comes around or talk to other people. She may never take the hint, but at least you will have tried!