Do I keep arguing with my mom or just drop it?

[b194962]

My mother is the most overbearing, backseat parent that ever lived. I have tried countless times to explain that she needs to respect my decisions as a mother and to stop continuing to treat me as a child.

I really don't think anything I can say will ever change her. And before you tell me to really sit her down and try to talk it out, please just trust me when I say it is no use.

I have to acknowledge that she does help us out and will of course always take dd for any weekend we need. Also I value dd being close to her grandmother even though we don't always get along.

Does there come a point when you just give up and let her words just run off of you? Is that my responsibility as a daughter? I just don't think I can keep arguing with her forever. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm walked all over versus feeling like an ungrateful daughter.

[niccig]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My mother is the same, and I live on the other side of the world - she has a very long reach. She doesn't just try to treat me as a child, it's everyone around her.

My main strategies are to not tell her anything unless she needs to know, and we always make our decision and then tell her what it will be. Eg. we were visiting them when found out that DS might get a placement at a private school. She wanted to know all about the school, and basically interrogated me about the teaching philosopy as it's a non traditional school. She asked was it Waldorf. I said No. She asked if it was Montessori, I said No. She asked if it was religious, I said No. She asked then who oversees the school, I said "the school board."

I answered her questions, but I didn't give any information that would then lead to a lecture where she gave her opinion on schools and education. Unfortunately, I let it slip that it was a non-traditional private school and that led to the interrogation as she is anti-private schools.

It does mean I'm not close to her, actually since birth of DS I've become closer to MIL as she is not overbearing or opionated and I can discuss things with her. It's sad, but it saves me from all the issues by keeping her on a need to know basis. I too wish I could sit down and say "Mum...." but it's not going to happen. She will immediately go on the defensive and she's vicious when she argues with someone. If it comes to that, I will leave and not have contact with her, so my limited information strategy keeps some sort of a relationship for DS - but a protected relationship, as DH and I run interference if need be.

I have had one occasion when they were visiting and she was trying to control everything, including DS, and we fought. She said "fine, I'm not wanted, so I'll leave." And I said "good, there are hotels by the airport, I'll call you a taxi" and I was DEAD serious. She did back down, and since then has been better about not pushing me. I don't know if you've done the "if you don't respect my parenting decisions then you don't get time with DC" route. It is an ultimatum you have to be willing to stand behind. And you have to be willing to be bad-mouthed to all your family and friends. I couldn't care less what she says to others, if anyone has any sense they know what she is like to deal with and were probably cheering that I stood up to her.

I don't know how much she helps you out, but this is something that might have to decrease. Eg. if she babysits a lot, and won't do things as you've asked, you might need to find another babysitter. With my mother, if you accept her help it means you have to let her take over control...so it's easier to find help elsewhere.

[hillview]

My MIL is like this and I ignore it. My mom can also be annoying (she thinks everything thing is dire -- a rash? must be lyme disease, fever? it is H1N1) so while this is not as bad as what you describe I will say that ignore and "pass the bean dip" (change the subject) is a good tool to use.
/hillary

[SkyrMommy]

My MIL is very similar, DH & I have both talked to her and told her that she needs to be a grandmother, not a mother and to back off. She's concerned about DD's weight, height, developmental milestones, diet, everything that she shouldn't be. And I get articles and lots of other 'helpful' things randomly, that I don't have time to sort through or read and dispose of so everything just goes in the trash.

My MIL won't or can't change, so I am trying my best to let it go and limit my solo time & conversations with her and give her just the basics... drives me nuts, but that seems to be all I can do for now.

[elliput]

Have you tried a bit of "tit for tat" on her? It may sound a spiteful to do, but start interrogating your mom regarding all of her decisions about her clothes, shoes, grocery shopping, tv watching, etc. When she gets defensive about it, you can explain that you were just following her example.

[TwinFoxes]

OP, do you mind giving examples? My answer depends on what she does. If she just gives unwanted advice to you, I'd ignore or "redirect". ;) But if she, say, refuses to rear face your DC, or criticizes your decisions in front of DCs, that's a whole other ball game.

If it's really bad, I would scale back her exposure to DD. I do think you have to sit her down one last time and say why. Not a "this is your last chance to change" conversation, but a "you are not allowed to babysit DD and here is why, it's not up for discussion." You can adjust her time with DD based on her future behavior. But I think a measure that extreme should only be used if her behavior is toxic, not if it's "only" annoying. Good luck!

[sste]

No, you can't change her or reason with her. My mother is also like this . . . part of it is that she sees no line between me and her. Growing up and through adulthood she would always say things to me like, "We really need to get x grade/placement, etc" or "I really x,y achievement" It took me until I was well into my teens to realize that this was a very convenient way for her to feel like she was achieving x or y goal or vision of the good life . . . without ever getting off her *ss.

My personal take - - and every relationship is different - - is that I ignore almost everything she says and usually take her criticism as confirmation I made the right decision! Her judgment is really quite poor. BUT with my mom it is just words. Since she does nothing to help I don't have to worry about her not following an important instruction.

Anyway, I wonder if this Three-Pronged Attack may work for you:

1. Criticizing your decisions: ignore, redirect, and as nicci wisely suggested limit info. Really with my mom dh and I have stopped even responding and sometimes even physically drift away. I also came to realize that for my mom at least fussing and second-guessing and driving everyone crazy was her way of trying to be involved and express her love. That made it a little less infuriating to me.
2. Over-riding your decisions when she is caring for DC and it is an item of importance to you (car safety, letting DC stay up all night, etc.) - - tell her that she has to do x and y and if she doesn't you will need to find other babysitters.
3. For smaller care items, I would let it go. I am of the opinion it usually backfires to micromanage childcare help, especially free childcare help! For me, my bottom line items are must use car seat, must apply sunblock everyday, must feed some amount of "real" food if not at a particular meal at least across the day, must take for outdoor play time at least once per day, must hold hand or put DC in stroller on streets, must put to bed within an hour or so of regular sleep time. Everything else I can deal with if its just for a weekend or evening or something.

Good luck!

[edurnemk]

My mother is the most overbearing, backseat parent that ever lived. I have tried countless times to explain that she needs to respect my decisions as a mother and to stop continuing to treat me as a child.

I really don't think anything I can say will ever change her. And before you tell me to really sit her down and try to talk it out, please just trust me when I say it is no use.

I have to acknowledge that she does help us out and will of course always take dd for any weekend we need. Also I value dd being close to her grandmother even though we don't always get along.

Does there come a point when you just give up and let her words just run off of you? Is that my responsibility as a daughter? I just don't think I can keep arguing with her forever. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm walked all over versus feeling like an ungrateful daughter.

Wait... are we sisters? ;)

I'm at the point I just try to let her words run off me. And I totally understand feeling so ambivalente, since I also get a lot of help from my mom. And the alternative: letting the IL's help out more is not an option, they're worse than my mom.

I think there is no point in arguing or talking it out with her. I wish I had better advice, though. I'm feeling pretty frustrated myself. When it gets too bad I just firmly say something like "I'm his mom, I'm handling this this is how we do things" and don't leave room for discussion. She usually gets the idea and backs off, but not without pouting and thus trying to make me feel guilty, I just try to ignore that.

[niccig]

No, you can't change her or reason with her. My mother is also like this . . . part of it is that she sees no line between me and her. Growing up and through adulthood she would always say things to me like, "We really need to get x grade/placement, etc" or "I really x,y achievement" It took me until I was well into my teens to realize that this was a very convenient way for her to feel like she was achieving x or y goal or vision of the good life . . . without ever getting off her *ss.



SSTE...we must be twins.

[brittone2]

MIL is/was like this. With my oldest, we went through some rough times. I eventually realized it was okay (and necessary) to set boundaries with her. Some things aren't up for discussion. It is okay and healthy to set boundaries with her. It may be a shock for her initially, but it may help your relationship in the long haul.

After 6.5 years of parenting, I'm okay and secure with that, but when had our oldest, that whole experience was so overwhelming.

I'm fortunate that my parents are very respectful of our decisions.

It really is okay to set boundaries about what you will/won't discuss with her. :hug:

[b194962]

Thanks for all the of the advice. I truly believe that I probably just need to ignore it and try not to let it get to me.

I would not say she ever does anything "unsafe". The only problem she has is the sleeping/napping because she doesn't believe in leaving a baby in her room by herself unless she is "asleep". But actually I have let go of this one, as she only spends weekends there and I decided it is not really permanently hurting her, just an "exhausting vacation".

I basically get an opinion on everything. Things got so much worse after I had a baby, because that basically increased her anxiety about everything.
-you should or shouldn't take her to daycare
-you shouldn't let her stay outside so long
-you're too strict, you don't leave enough toys out for her, you have to cut her hair
-you should move the dog's bed to here so it isn't so close to whatever
-seriously it is like a recorder playing over and over with a different issue inserted.

I would say the posting was provoked by the most recent issue-we are buying a house and she tells me everything wrong with it, why the schools are wrong, etc. Like keeps sending me repeated emails about it.

As I sit and write everything out I am more confident I can say it is "annoyance". She gets defensive when I get angry, and turns it into, "why don't you care about your mother's opinion" or "i am only telling you because you are my daughter and granddaughter" - it is all couched to be "for your benefit". Which I actually truly believe is her motivation. But that even that has its limits.

But I think deeper than that I have realized how her constant, unfiltered criticism has permanently ruined our relationship. I have never felt the sense of unconditional love or support. And that I am distant because of it. The sad thing is she will never realize it. I think that is really what bothers me so much, and you feel like you are talking to a wall. Just no insight whatsoever.

But I have learned a lot about how not to mother, and I am confident I will do a better job with my daughter. The only thing that stops me from communicating completely is that I don't want her to grow up not knowing her grandmother.

Wow this board is good cheap therapy.

[writermama]

Is she ever going to change? Probably not.

If she sees you as a child ... or if she sees you as an extension of herself, whatever the particulars are in your case, she doesn't see YOU. And that's sad. Sad for her: think of all she's missing by not having a real relationship with the real person you are. And sad for you, because you should have that acknowledgment of your individuality and your adulthood and your status as a mom. Before even dealing with the particulars of the parenting decisions she second-guesses ... it really sucks that she makes you feel that way.

Can you set boundaries and require her to respect them? Yes.

You know you are an adult, even if she doesn't. PPs have given some great suggestions for ways to do that. Good luck.

[niccig]

But I think deeper than that I have realized how her constant, unfiltered criticism has permanently ruined our relationship. I have never felt the sense of unconditional love or support. And that I am distant because of it. The sad thing is she will never realize it. I think that is really what bothers me so much, and you feel like you are talking to a wall. Just no insight whatsoever.

But I have learned a lot about how not to mother, and I am confident I will do a better job with my daughter. The only thing that stops me from communicating completely is that I don't want her to grow up not knowing her grandmother.

Wow this board is good cheap therapy.

:hug: It is sad. As writermama so eloquently put it, she doesn't see YOU. My mother does the same. But there are plenty of people who do see YOU and those are the people to concentrate your energy on.

And yes, the bitching is wonderful therapy at times... Go hug your beautiful DD...

[resipsaloquitur]

Since a few girls have mentioned being OP's sister, and I'm sure I am too, we must be multiples. Triplets? Quads?

I'm not sure whether it makes me feel better to know that others stuggle with my exact feelings or sad to think that other moms are being hurt like I am. I guess a little of both. <sigh>

[tmahanes]

I have come to the same conclusion that I keep it need to know and try to let the comments roll off. It really amazes me sometimes the comments she will make. I am the oldest so this is the first grandchild and I will get things like.. you survived in a old/ second hand crib... you slept on your stomach and were fine... why do you need a $300 car seat (that I scored for $175)...

What really amazes me is that my mother is very well educated. She is a social worker and it just blows my mind that she thinks this way. Although if someone else, especially my sister, said the same things then she would probably be all for it!

So I just try to ignore what she says and I guess this is what I will keep doing unless she says stuff in front of B once he can understand then I guess I will have to say something.