Christmas drama already (advice requested. long.)

[elektra]

I just got the email from SIL (T, DH's sis) and I really want to opt out of your Christmas exchange with DH's family this year but I am wondering if it will be worth the drama.
Backstory:
DH is one of 6 kids, and there are aunts, uncles and cousins who are considered immediate family.
We do a draw each year where all the siblings and spouses (and a few of the cousins) pick a name and we have a $50 limit. I am talking about the adults here. This had worked well, but now things are getting a little out of control again with all the kids in the picture, as there are now 8 grandkids.
SIL (L, who is also married into the family like myself), opted out of the adult draw last year as she felt it wasn't really necessary for all the adults to do the exchange. At the time I felt like she was being a bit of a party pooper and that it was still fun to exchange the gifts even if we are oldies now.
However, we were very much on the same side when it came to my idea to now have the kids to an exchange amongst themselves too. So DD and DS would each draw a cousin's name and we would buy two gifts instead of 6 for the whole set of grandkids. I really pushed for this, but SIL (T) wanted NONE of it. Her feelings were really hurt and it ended where she declared that we could do that if we wanted but she was still getting each of her nieces and nephews a gift. OK then. So I dropped it. (She is actually very kind and generous and does gifts like hand-knitted xmas stockings).

So I am thinking that I want to join SIL (L) in the opt-out of the adult exchange this year. I think I just want to take away one less stressful thing in my life and I am also getting less tolerant of IL things I don't agree with, especially when these things are going on in my own house (I won't even get into all the other stuff).
Although it's really the kids thing that I want to opt out of! And it's not that I don't want to get my nieces and nephews gifts. It's just all too much you know?

Should I just wait till I am done PMS'ing and have actually slept for more than 4 hours in one stretch before I make the call?
I'm just conflicted on whether or not this battle is worth the drama that may ensue, or if it's something I should put my foot down about.

[maylips]

Personally, I think it's something worth putting your foot down. Sounds like the drama comes up every year and adds stress to what should be a fun family event.

The problem with in-laws is that it's always the WOMEN who have to fight the battles. It would be much easier if your DH could call his sister and tell her you guys were backing out. However, if he's like my husband, he may do it but it would be obvious he was calling as my representative. :)

So, yeah, I would tackle it now, before it gets too deep into the season and people prepare for giving tons of gifts. I would approach it as, you and DH have sat down and looked at the Christmas budget and, with your kids getting older and therefore you're spending more on Christmas for them, you really have to scale back. Talk about how much you love the nieces/nephews and how untalented you are at great homemade gifts like SIL (play up her thoughtfulness) and you feel that giving 2 good gifts is so much better that giving 6 cheap gifts that no one wants.

I think Christmas easily gets out of control and while I'd love to have the opportunity to buy for a lot of people, we just can't. So I think open communication is always better than stewing and building resentment that shouldn't be there.

Easier to write than do, though. :)

[arivecchi]

Do an exchange for both. I totally agree that it gets out of hand and really, do the kids need that many gifts? I would say it nicely and just state that you want to enjoy the holidays more and make things less stressful. We started doing the adult exchange last year and it was so nice to only have to get a handful of things. We still don't have enough grandchildren to do an exchange, but I would be up for that too.

What is more important IMO is having opportunities to bond and hang out during the holidays than the actual exchange of gifts. T may be upset at first, but that is her issue.

[KBecks]

Here's my suggestion -- when in doubt, procrastinate....

Get your family through back-to-school and don't deal with this until October. I mean, who is emailing about Christmas now? It sounds like someone really likes to shop.....

How many kids are there? I think a large number of kids is a bit unreasonable, at the same time, you can be creative with it.

There's no right or wrong answer. Do wait until you are done PMSing, and try not to stress over it. It's all small stuff, it will be OK!!! :-)

[KBecks]

I think it is fine if one person wants to get gifts for all the kids.... and the other people can do an exchange. It doesn't have to be perfectly even.... if that makes her happy to buy for all the kids that's OK. Maybe a phone call to discuss this is good rather than any emails.

Good luck!!! Reassure your family that you love them and want everybody to enjoy the holidays no matter what the deal is on the exchange.

[elektra]

I mean, who is emailing about Christmas now? It sounds like someone really likes to shop.....


My SIL T is emailing about it now!
DH's whole family have major shopping issues. His parents are hoarders. There are deeper issues at play......

In T's defense, it does take some time to plan for hand made items, although she is all about Amazon too. We share a Prime membership.

[jse107]

I'd definitely opt out of the adult exchange and would really encourage a name draw for the kids. Or, what about doing an activity all together for the kids as a gift?

[MamaMolly]

When we live in the US and I can actually shop during the rest of the year I'm usually done with Christmas shopping by October. That way I can spread out the expense and shop deals and sales. I'd wait a day or two to sleep on it and gather up what you want to say but I wouldn't wait long to discuss it.

[LBW]

Personally I'd opt out of the adult gift exchange and use the $50 I'd save to go towards presents for all 6 nieces and nephews. I get where you are coming from, but I do still like to buy presents for all the kids in our family. If money is the issue, make a budget and start shopping sales now.

Oh, and I totally get the holiday family drama. I've been awaiting the annual summer call from my cousin's wife asking me if I'm having them over for T'giving. I got the same call a few years ago when I was DUE ON T'giving. When I said I wasn't cooking, that whole side of the family snubbed us until the following summer when they asked again!

You can't win, and it's probably not a battle worth fighting, you know?

[infocrazy]

I'd suck it up for this year with the kids and only opt out of the adult if you haven't already chosen names.

Then, at this years gathering, I'd discuss changing the kids. I am done with my kid Christmas shopping for my kids and all the relatives we buy for since I got it at Target/Kmart! I wouldn't be thrilled to have the rules change now.

FWIW, my mom's family for as long as I can remember, does the two name draw. You get out what you put in, so I would pick 2 adults, 3 kids and you would pick 2 adults and 2 kids. My uncle didn't have any kids so he threw his dog in the kid pile so he could buy for a kid too! We also only have a $20 limit. You could always just put them all in a single draw so that people without kids could draw a kid too...

[brittone2]

I feel your pain. We go through this every year. I have a large family. 4 siblings, lots of nieces and nephews. Half of my family would like to do an exchange or just stop buying (for the adults). The other half insists that they will continue to buy and no one else can dissuade them.

The funny part is sometimes the split is within a marriage, so SIL will call and say I really wish we could just *stop* the madness but your brother will not agree. Then said brother expects SIL to do all of the shopping anyway when the holidays roll around. And those who insist upon giving to everyone and don't enjoy doing the name exchange almost exclusively buy giftcards, so it becomes a big exchange of I'll give you a $100 gc to Lowe's, and you give me a 100 gc to Home Depot. Not terribly personal anyway (although I do like GCs, but honestly I don't feel like there is a lot of thought coming from our family members who dislike the name exchange and want to buy for everyone).

I have no idea how to handle it. At least 2 of my siblings are going through tough financial times but I suspect both will want to buy for everyone and not swap names.

So some years we end up with a name exchange (but some individuals choose to buy for everyone anyway, which is awkward). Some years we just buy for everyone and there's no exchange. So far all children are given gifts by everyone, which is tough as many of my nieces/nephews are teens (not easy to find a suitable sale priced toy).

I wish we could get everyone on board for at least a no buy for the adults. For some reason it is always sticky in our family. I like to shop early and it is annoying each year to wonder what the consensus will be (although there never is one , I hate waiting until November/December to find out from everyone how most are handling it that year Ugggh. Drives me crazy.

[karstmama]

i'm sure this won't fly, but is there any chance of doing as a pp said and making the get-together about an experience for the kids?

like, presents $5 or less (so a book or something small & homemade like a burned cd) and a cookie making extravaganza? or disney movie marathon? or board game afternoon? or family recipe day with cooking & written out recipes of grandparent favorites?

[alien_host]

Can you talk w/ L and see if she is willing for both of you to talk to T together about maybe drawing kids names? Safety in numbers ;)

I also think it is fine to opt out of the adult exchange, but like PPs said, do it early.

We've exchanged names for the adults in DHs family for years and it works great. We all like buying for the kids so it works.

Good luck!

[elektra]

Well last night L's DH ( my DH's bro) called me and said that he had just called T and suggested the kids exchange. Well she was pissed and asked him who had brought it up and when he didn't say she said, " it was (elektra) wasn't it?"
I sort of wish L hadn't asked him to call but whatever. I now need to call T and try to smooth things over.
I really don't need this drama right now and DH was kind enough to point out I brought it upon myself. He does have a point but it would be nice to have some support from him too.