Another MIL complaint...sorry LONG!

[alien_host]

This is a 1/2 bitch/1/2 looking for advice type of thing. I swore I wouldn't complain about MIL on the internet but this is bugging me.

DH has two siblings. Let's call them #1 and #3 (can you guess DH is in the middle)?

Backstory: we moved about 18 months ago...further away from the ILs, maybe 25 minutes vs 20...not far. #1 lives about 30 minutes away (same mileage as us), #3 lives 10 minutes away. In the past 18 months, MIL has come here two times during the week...one time she brought a friend with her (who drove her). The ILs come over on the weekend or for family gatherings, FIL drives.

MIL is getting older, not the best driver etc, so I get it...maybe her driving days are limited. I've invited her over during the week (I'm a SAHM) for lunch and to have time with DD. She always declines. I gave up/stopped asking. DH and I visit them together on weekends (few times a month). I sometimes drive to there place to visit during the week.

Lately, MIL has been telling me ALL.THE.TIME that "oh I went over to #3's this week - twice...once so they could go to lunch and once so they could go to the gym". "I went to #1s to wait for DGS to get back from school". OK I'd LOVE to have an hour to myself during the week! Hello, anyone there?

I'm tired of hearing how she is helping DH's two siblings but refuses to come here. I'm not even asking her to watch DD (who is 5), just come hang out with us. Yes I would LOVE 30 minutes to myself so I could run to the PO or store, but I haven't asked her to do that b/c she won't even come over to start with.

I get it that we moved and its further away, although no further than #1. But she drives to stores within 5 minutes of my house. The last time she came without FIL on a Sat, DH picked her up at the shopping center 5 minutes away. I drove her back to her car.

Apparently MIL is "unwilling" to drive here but is OK with driving the same # of miles/time to #1's house. But I'm starting to find it annoying that she tells me exactly when she does this...like she is rubbing it in or making some sort of point?

I've talked with DH. The next time she says something (in person), he is going to speak with her and mention that we don't really want to hear how she is helping his two sibs when she won't do the same for us (this won't go well, I can tell already..). Before we moved, she would come to our house to give me a break a few times a month.

Anyone have suggestions on what I can do? MIL means well, but it feels like she favors the others. She keeps asking when WE are going to visit her and then makes me feel bad when we don't. I still make WAY more of an effort than she does. And when we do get together I can tell she is happy to spend time with us.

Thanks for "listening"!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

ugh, that really sucks. don't have much advice here, but I just want to say that its a VERY good thing that at least your DH is willing to talk to his mom about this, the next time she brings it up. honestly, that sounds like a great start to figuring this out/dealing with this. that's really not nice of her at all to keep rubbing it your face that she helps the other siblings but then refuses to help you guys.

[alien_host]

ugh, that really sucks. don't have much advice here, but I just want to say that its a VERY good thing that at least your DH is willing to talk to his mom about this, the next time she brings it up. honestly, that sounds like a great start to figuring this out/dealing with this. that's really not nice of her at all to keep rubbing it your face that she helps the other siblings but then refuses to help you guys.

What's interesting is that she isn't a "mean spirited" person. I wonder if they constant mentioning of helping the siblings is something else. I'm really not sure what it is.

The other day she did it while we were at their house. I don't know how to respond and I hadn't discussed it with DH yet so I let it go. She is a smart person, does she not understand that saying, "well, I'm off to see #1 so they can go to the gym this afternoon" isn't "nice"? Maybe she's clueless, I don't know :shrug:

ETA: FWIW, I think I'm a nice person..I rarely ask for ANYTHING from ILs. I take DD over to the ILs to visit them, I don't really complain to MIL about anything (I just complain on the internet LOL) b/c I want DD to have a good relationship with them. But this is just really starting to frustrate me!

[truly scrumptious]

The other day she did it while we were at their house. I don't know how to respond and I hadn't discussed it with DH yet so I let it go. She is a smart person, does she not understand that saying, "well, I'm off to see #1 so they can go to the gym this afternoon" isn't "nice"? Maybe she's clueless, I don't know :shrug:


Could it be that she likes to feel "needed"? So maybe she feels the others "need" her to watch her DGC, while you just invite her to hang out. Have you tried asking her to watch DD while you run to the store/salon/gym/whatever? Maybe she likes the one-on-one time with her grandchildren and likes feeling that she's being helpful. If you ask her a few times and she refuses, then you'd definitely be within your rights to ask her (or have DH ask her) to stop talking about helping the others when she refuses to help you.
It also may just be that because you have moved "farther away" she is a little intimidated by driving to the unfamiliar location and the distance (even if it is illogical that it is the same distance as her other kids.) In that case, only time and lots of opportunities to visit will help. (Bummer that she's not willing to try more.)

[brgnmom]

are your DH's two siblings both females? not to justify your MIL's actions, but sometimes moms tend to feel more comfortable visiting their daughters' homes.

I can relate to your situation in some ways. My DH has two siblings (both older brothers). One is single and probably will be a bachelor for the rest of his life, and the other is married with children. He and his wife received a lot of help from my MIL after their second son was born -- my MIL called herself Mary Poppins, when she stayed over at their home and took care of my nephew while my BIL and his wife were at the hospital. I'm expecting their first granddaughter and guess what? My BIL's wife and MIL both asked me who would be helping out with our DS while my DH and I are at the hospital for L&D. Fortunately, my mom and I are close and she will be here for a week during that time, but still, I think the my MIL and SIL's question and their tone of voice stung.

Sorry you're dealing with this situation. It sounds frustrating and kind of insensitive that your MIL doesn't visit you & your family at your new home but still visits your DH's siblings and their kids.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Could it be that she likes to feel "needed"? So maybe she feels the others "need" her to watch her DGC, while you just invite her to hang out. Have you tried asking her to watch DD while you run to the store/salon/gym/whatever? Maybe she likes the one-on-one time with her grandchildren and likes feeling that she's being helpful. If you ask her a few times and she refuses, then you'd definitely be within your rights to ask her (or have DH ask her) to stop talking about helping the others when she refuses to help you.
It also may just be that because you have moved "farther away" she is a little intimidated by driving to the unfamiliar location and the distance (even if it is illogical that it is the same distance as her other kids.) In that case, only time and lots of opportunities to visit will help. (Bummer that she's not willing to try more.)

this is a really good point. my mom is kinda like this. she LOVES feeling "needed". when she is in town, if i invite her to go shopping or something, she's more likely to decline that if i ask her to watch my son so i can get a break. actually i think my MIL is like this too..when she's in town i feel bad having her watch DS (since he can be a handful, and she's not in the best of health) but she's often begging us to watch him and i think she really enjoys the one-on-one time. so maybe your MIL is like that as well, and that is why she makes comments about helping the other siblings out all the time..by repeating it she makes herself feel better bc she is reminded of how much she is needed and how helpful she is to her other kids. so yeah, i'd definitely try asking her to watch your DC so you can do something.

[BabyBearsMom]

:hug: Sorry you are dealing with this. My MIL is the same way. We live about an hour away from her but she almost never comes down here. We go up to see her at least once a month. FIL travels a lot for work so she is alone a lot and we are always inviting her to come down and stay with us so she doesn't have to be alone but she always declines. But then I get the "I never get to see my grand-daughter" crap from her because we don't drive up to her every freaking weekend. She also financially supports DH's brother and sister, but never gives us a dime. Not that I want her money (lord knows I don't want her in my financial business) but she is always talking about how wonderful it is that DH's sister can stay home with the baby because of their "help" in front of me (I work full time and have been back at work since DD was 8 weeks old).

[niccig]

If DH will talk to her, he should ask her why she won't drive to your new house as she would the older house?

I know my grandmother wouldn't drive on the freeway, so when my parents were looking for a house, my mother was only looking at houses that WERE on the freeway so she wouldn't have unannouced visits.

I also agree with asking her. I bet the other ILs are asking her. My mother thrives on being needed, but you must ask.

[maestramommy]

It sounds very frustrating, but also puzzling. You say your MIL isn't a mean person, that she used to help out a few times a month, and that she still drives to the other siblings to help them out. From your post you only moved 5 minutes further away, right? I'd be rather baffled actually.

I think it's good for your Dh to talk to her, but instead of saying, "we really don't want to hear how you're helping the others if you don't want to help us," how about just a straightforward, "why don't you visit like you used to? We only live 5 minutes further." Or you can always just ask her to come over and give you a break. :)

[alien_host]

Could it be that she likes to feel "needed"? So maybe she feels the others "need" her to watch her DGC, while you just invite her to hang out. Have you tried asking her to watch DD while you run to the store/salon/gym/whatever? Maybe she likes the one-on-one time with her grandchildren and likes feeling that she's being helpful. If you ask her a few times and she refuses, then you'd definitely be within your rights to ask her (or have DH ask her) to stop talking about helping the others when she refuses to help you.
It also may just be that because you have moved "farther away" she is a little intimidated by driving to the unfamiliar location and the distance (even if it is illogical that it is the same distance as her other kids.) In that case, only time and lots of opportunities to visit will help. (Bummer that she's not willing to try more.)

I suppose she might feel "needed". I always felt bad asking her to babysit for some reason but maybe I need to try that tactic instead of just "visiting". But I'm of the mindset if people "turn me down" when I ask them over, I eventually stop asking.

And yes farther away seems to indicate she in uncomfortable driving...but she can get here the back roads w/out highway.. and it is very straight forward. But maybe that is the issue (she has to get on the highway to see #1 though..which makes it more frustrating to me).


are your DH's two siblings both females? not to justify your MIL's actions, but sometimes moms tend to feel more comfortable visiting their daughters' homes.

I can relate to your situation in some ways. My DH has two siblings (both older brothers). One is single and probably will be a bachelor for the rest of his life, and the other is married with children. He and his wife received a lot of help from my MIL after their second son was born -- my MIL called herself Mary Poppins, when she stayed over at their home and took care of my nephew while my BIL and his wife were at the hospital. I'm expecting their first granddaughter and guess what? My BIL's wife and MIL both asked me who would be helping out with our DS while my DH and I are at the hospital for L&D. Fortunately, my mom and I are close and she will be here for a week during that time, but still, I think the my MIL and SIL's question and their tone of voice stung.

Sorry you're dealing with this situation. It sounds frustrating and kind of insensitive that your MIL doesn't visit you & your family at your new home but still visits your DH's siblings and their kids.

Good question! #1 is daughter and #3 is a son (you know the baby, maybe that's why she helps them more). And I don't even think #3 (SIL) asks because she told me (we are close) that MIL offers without them asking.

[hellokitty]

{{{HUGS}}} No advice, but lots of sympathy. I have a mil who isn't so nice, BUT we share the same driving issue that you do. When bil/sil used to live 2 hrs from her, she would ocassionally drive to their house. It was a more complicated drive than it is to our house, which is only an hr away. She refuses to drive to our house and I pretty much do not ask her to help with anything, b/c for me to drive an hr to pick her up and drive her here and then drive her back is just dumb and UNhelpful. My parents also have driving issues too. They will drive an hr to go have lunch or golf with friends. However, they often refuse to drive 50 min to come to see us. My father is a lot worse than my mom about this one and if my mom wants to see us, he will tell her she is, "wasting" her time to come to see us. I understand getting older and not being able to drive far away, BUT both sides have ALWAYS been like this, so it isn't an age issue.

[alien_host]

this is a really good point. my mom is kinda like this. she LOVES feeling "needed". when she is in town, if i invite her to go shopping or something, she's more likely to decline that if i ask her to watch my son so i can get a break. actually i think my MIL is like this too..when she's in town i feel bad having her watch DS (since he can be a handful, and she's not in the best of health) but she's often begging us to watch him and i think she really enjoys the one-on-one time. so maybe your MIL is like that as well, and that is why she makes comments about helping the other siblings out all the time..by repeating it she makes herself feel better bc she is reminded of how much she is needed and how helpful she is to her other kids. so yeah, i'd definitely try asking her to watch your DC so you can do something.

I've thought about the bold part too...so now I'm going to ask her to come over to watch DD when I do an errand and see if she begs off. ;)


:hug: Sorry you are dealing with this. My MIL is the same way. We live about an hour away from her but she almost never comes down here. We go up to see her at least once a month. FIL travels a lot for work so she is alone a lot and we are always inviting her to come down and stay with us so she doesn't have to be alone but she always declines. But then I get the "I never get to see my grand-daughter" crap from her because we don't drive up to her every freaking weekend. She also financially supports DH's brother and sister, but never gives us a dime. Not that I want her money (lord knows I don't want her in my financial business) but she is always talking about how wonderful it is that DH's sister can stay home with the baby because of their "help" in front of me (I work full time and have been back at work since DD was 8 weeks old).

I'm sorry you are dealing with this...and I didn't even bring up the financial stuff (that's a whole other post!)....yes she helps #1 the most. DH and his brother are treated about the same (i.e. no help) when it comes to money, which although unfair, I guess it is OK since DH isn't the only one "getting stiffed" so to speak. As DH says, "The strong get stronger and the weak get weaker".

I hate the guilt trip though...if you don't want to come here then please don't guilt me that I don't come to your place EVERYTIME!

[alien_host]

It sounds very frustrating, but also puzzling. You say your MIL isn't a mean person, that she used to help out a few times a month, and that she still drives to the other siblings to help them out. From your post you only moved 5 minutes further away, right? I'd be rather baffled actually.

I think it's good for your Dh to talk to her, but instead of saying, "we really don't want to hear how you're helping the others if you don't want to help us," how about just a straightforward, "why don't you visit like you used to? We only live 5 minutes further." Or you can always just ask her to come over and give you a break. :)

I think in her mind we live further away than we do...I'm such a dork that I just did mapquest between her and #1 and her and us and it is FARTHER distance and time (very little though).

I agree though, I think it would be good for DH to first say, "why don't you come visit and take the back roads?"


{{{HUGS}}} No advice, but lots of sympathy. I have a mil who isn't so nice, BUT we share the same driving issue that you do. When bil/sil used to live 2 hrs from her, she would ocassionally drive to their house. It was a more complicated drive than it is to our house, which is only an hr away. She refuses to drive to our house and I pretty much do not ask her to help with anything, b/c for me to drive an hr to pick her up and drive her here and then drive her back is just dumb and UNhelpful. My parents also have driving issues too. They will drive an hr to go have lunch or golf with friends. However, they often refuse to drive 50 min to come to see us. My father is a lot worse than my mom about this one and if my mom wants to see us, he will tell her she is, "wasting" her time to come to see us. I understand getting older and not being able to drive far away, BUT both sides have ALWAYS been like this, so it isn't an age issue.

Bold = :yeahthat: ....I'm just not driving 25 minutes to pick her up, drive back here and then repeat.

The funny thing is that when she came to visit or "help" at our old house, she would get upset if I said, "since you and DD are hanging out, do you mind if I run to the store or go upstairs and fold some laundry". She'd have this voice with, "Oh, I guess that's OK, why don't you want to hang out with us too?" That's when I felt she preferred to visit w/ no responsibilty vs "helping"....but then she started helping #3, she has always gone out of her way to help #1 (daughter, which I understand since I prefer my mom's help etc".

[hellokitty]

AH, your mil may be nice, but she comes off to be as a very passive aggressive person. My mom is a lot like that and sometimes it's MORE frustrating to deal with someone like that, b/c they drop these annoying comments and basically it is left up to you on whether or not you want to confront them and heaven forbid, if you confront them, then you're the bad guy. :rolleye0014: Lots of :hug:, it's hard to deal with ppl like this, esp family members. If I were you, I'd let your DH confront your mil about this issue next time he talks to her, so that you don't get blamed for being, "mean" to her.

[alien_host]

AH, your mil may be nice, but she comes off to be as a very passive aggressive person. My mom is a lot like that and sometimes it's MORE frustrating to deal with someone like that, b/c they drop these annoying comments and basically it is left up to you on whether or not you want to confront them and heaven forbid, if you confront them, then you're the bad guy. :rolleye0014: Lots of :hug:, it's hard to deal with ppl like this, esp family members. If I were you, I'd let your DH confront your mil about this issue next time he talks to her, so that you don't get blamed for being, "mean" to her.

Yes, passive agressive is right! And DH is a bit like that as well, so the discussion between the two of them should be interesting! Ahh to be a fly on the wall ;)

I do appreciate EVERYONE's suggestions. It's good to get an objective view!

[MamaMolly]

First of all you are a very nice DIL to come here and vent, and then to seek advice. She's a lucky woman!

So after reading the replies, a few things stuck out to me. At first I wondered if there are bad turns or intersections that intimidate her along the route? But as I read it was clear that something else is going on.

I don't know that DH's method of confronting her will bear any fruit. It may be better to take a more straight forward approach because that kind of cuts through the drama like a knife. Try to decide what you (as a family) want from MIL before DH talks to her. Have that goal set in his mind and it will help the conversation along and probably make it less confrontational. If you want more help, downright ask for it.

I think I have the world's most passive aggressive family. They all think I'm hard and cold because I refuse, flat refuse to play along.

[alien_host]

First of all you are a very nice DIL to come here and vent, and then to seek advice. She's a lucky woman!

I don't know that DH's method of confronting her will bear any fruit. It may be better to take a more straight forward approach because that kind of cuts through the drama like a knife. Try to decide what you (as a family) want from MIL before DH talks to her. Have that goal set in his mind and it will help the conversation along and probably make it less confrontational. If you want more help, downright ask for it.

I think I have the world's most passive aggressive family. They all think I'm hard and cold because I refuse, flat refuse to play along.

Aww thanks! If my MIL only knew I was talking about her online! ;)

I think you are right. I'm going to talk with DH again and come up with a plan. Maybe she can come here twice a month or something. The thing is DD is starting full day Kinder in 3 weeks....so the days are numbered. I'd love the "help", sometimes it seems like more trouble than it is worth but I guess the bottom line is that I'm jealous/angry that she makes more of an effort with her other kids/grandkids than us. :( KWIM, if she didn't help anyone, I wouldn't really feel bad about it. Oh well.

I do need to meet with the principal before school starts. Let me see if she is willing to come here when I go to that meeting, that's a start at least.

[Ceepa]

If you need help watching DD I would look into other options. Just becaue MIL isn't helping out doesn't mean you shouldn't get a break.

As far as how she favors the other two, that may just be what it is. For some reason you'll likely never know. What you can do is mention how her constant review of how she helps the siblings is neither helpful nor productive to your family. Having DH talk to her is a good plan.

[alien_host]

If you need help watching DD I would look into other options. Just becaue MIL isn't helping out doesn't mean you shouldn't get a break.

As far as how she favors the other two, that may just be what it is. For some reason you'll likely never know. What you can do is mention how her constant review of how she helps the siblings is neither helpful nor productive to your family. Having DH talk to her is a good plan.

I do get breaks and once school starts I should be fine. I really only *need* help for Dr appts etc. Ironically SIL helps me :)

The part about not being productive is good, I like that.