Who gets the kids if you & DH die?

[twowhat?]

We're thinking about our will...is it unusual to say that we want our kids to go to a good friend (a couple with 2 kids) if we were both to die instead of going to grandma/grandpa? Our thinking is that who knows if grandparents will be physically able to care for kids long-term, and that by going to another set of parents who are about our age, with kids of their own, they'd be raised more in the kind of environment that we would have provided for them?

Is that weird? And for those who have done this, have your grandparents been offended by the decision?

[catpagmo]

Makes sense to me. I don't think it's unusual or weird. I wouldn't worry about offending the grandparents. It's your decision, and it's your will, which is private.

The grandparents don't need to know until they NEED to know...like after you're gone, IYKWIM.

I would just get the ok from the friends to make sure they're up to it.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My mom was offended that I asked my SIL to be guardian so I can only imagine how upset she would be if we asked friends instead. heck, I am still pissed that my SIL (a different one) and brother chose friends to be guardian instead of us. They didn't want the kids' "lifestyle" to change meaning they want the kids to stay in the Bay Area and be cool vs living a slightly more boring, kind of suburban lifestyle in a different city. To me family is family and there is a bond there that should try to be kept in place. Even if the environment and lifestyle would be different, provided it was safe and loving, I wouldn't trump friends over family. But, if I didn't have any siblings or siblings in law that I thought would be good I may have chosen a friend for the grandparent age factor too. Aging grandparents is a tricky thing as they will face more limitations and it might be hard for them to parent later in life. I guess it needs to be a personal choice on your part.

GL!!
Beth

[belovedgandp]

We stayed in the family, but yes, my mom was slightly taken back when we told her. But I wanted my kids to still have grandparents and let my parents remain in that role instead of raising them. We also have very small kids an my parents are pushing 70 so age was an issue.

We went with my cousin. She only has one child a little older than our oldest, but she was the one relative that has the same religious values, general geographic location, and frequent contact with our kids. My only sibling lives hundreds of miles away and DHs siblings live a little distance, but have completely different value systems than we do (the relationship is already strained).

We did this over 6 years ago. At the time our lawyer made sure we just indicated one person (in our case, the cousin not cousin AND her DH). My DH and I revisited this a couple years ago because they did in fact get divorced, but did decide that my cousin as a single parent was still our best choice.

[sste]

We recently encountered this issue and unless the grandparents in question are quite young or unusually stellar as guardians . . . I would not do this.

Given the current average age of childbirth most grandparents are not spring chickens. Even putting aside the "can they keep up with kids" question . . . it is likely that one or both grandparents will die before all your children are grown/through college. That means, your child would be losing its parent/parent figures TWICE during childhood.

This is what we are explaining to the grandparents in question for us (You are terrific but we have to think about the chance that our children could lose us and then lose one or both of you before they finish college."). IMO, it is pretty hard to refute that reasoning.

[cvanbrunt]

That is my logic as well. Our kids would go to my sister. If she should change her mind, the girls will go to my best friend and neighbor.

[alexsmommy]

My parents could not care for our kids full time, they are simply too old. Breaks my heart because no one would love them like they would.
We opted for a family with kids our ages who would go out of their way to maintain the kids relationship with my parents.
It's amazing how this question really makes you look at all of your values when you think of who you would want raising your children.

[alirebco]

Right now, it's my SIL and then my sister (although I think I might change the order since my sister moved back into our area and SIL's marriage isn't so great).

We never considered grandparents to be guardians because DH's parents are over age 70 and my mom is 65 and living in FL, a few states away.

If I didn't have siblings and same with DH, I would probably consider really good friends.

[HonoluluMom]

DD will be cared for by my sister if DD's father and I die. Both sets of grandparents were informed of this decision. Both sets understood and agreed given the age factor.

My personal opinion is that all family/friends who will be impacted (grandparents, your siblings, in-laws, friends, etc.) should be informed of the decision before the will/trust is drafted. This gives you the chance to explain your decision and try to smooth over any hurt feelings. If you don't explain now and there are hurt feelings later (when you and DH are gone), your children may end up suffering. Also, if your family is concerned about being left out of their grandchildren's lives, you can perhaps include a provision in your will/trust to direct the guardian that they shall ensure that your children stay in regular contact with their grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. But, you won't know the issues unless you talk to them.

[wendibird22]

We've picked my SIL (DHs sister). She's in her early 30's, single, home owner and loves our girls to death. She's got a very good job and a great head on her shoulders and even if she never meets a SO, we are fine with her raising our girls as a single parent and she is too. If something were to happen to her, we'd probably elect good friends. My bro has 2 girls and a step son but his life is in chaos most of the time and his parenting approach is a lot different from ours. We just wouldn't want him and SIL raising our kids. Grandparents know they aren't getting the kids and are fine with it. They know they are aging and also don't want to be tied down to that responsibility (they all like to travel and such). Bro doesn't know he's not 2nd in line, but I don't think he'll mind. I've never been told my him that I'm in the running for his girls and I'm not hurt. I assume one of SILs 2 sisters would get his girls.

[SkyrMommy]

We have our best friends as guardians instead of family. The friends are very close to both families and would raise DD as we would and keep the grandparents in their roles & her life, much more than either my or DH's sister would. Our thinking with the grandparents is that they have already had their children & don't have the energy to raise DD.

[rkold]

I spent a decent portion of my teen years as a child worrying about who would raise me and my siblings if my parents died (they still have no will) and it wasn't until I turned 18 I stopped worrying. >>;

And now that I'm pregnant with my first I understand the issue from the parent's side more. I really don't know who of my relatives I would pick and I don't really have any friends who would be interested in child-care. It's something we really do need to think about since I don't want my child worrying about it like I use to.

[maestramommy]

I think our first choice is SIL, second choice is my sister. Grandparents are too old, I wouldn't think of them first, and I think they would just die if we gave them the kids.

[kijip]

My friend (and by extension, his wife). This friend is also the godparent, apart from being the designated guardian. If he is not available or dies in the same plane crash (just trying to imagine how all of us could theoretically die at once), a different friend.

My BIL lives in Norway and is childless and rather hermit like, so no.

My older brother and his wife nearly make me question my opposition to forced sterilization, they are a dysfunctional drug influenced mess with 3 kids they can't care for all that consistently already, so no.

My younger brother and his husband are not a bad choice, but my brother was a 22 year old club kid when we made our will so we decided to pass. Now that he is a SAHD with 2 girls, I could change it but I don't think I will. They are not bad parents, but they are radically different parents than we are and I think the boys would be better off with their godfather, who is more inline with our parenting style. Frankly just between us, if it were my brother alone I'd want to change it. But his husband is strict with the girls - the sort of strict that easily brushes into harshness and perhaps mild abuse. My brother tells him to leave them alone and hops in to take care of it himself A LOT. Last week he was yelling at an 18 month old to walk upstairs and go to bed. I don't know every 18 month old, but none that I have known are capable of walking themselves to bed for a nap. They also have a TV blaring 24-7. I don't want my kids growing up with that dynamic.

My dad is too old for 24-7 parenting and my MIL lives in a small city on the opposite side of the state, is married to a man I don't entirely trust, and does not share our religious or political or even on some levels, moral, beliefs.

We only named 1 person because we did not want our kids caught up in someone else's potential divorce. I don't think they are getting a divorce, but just in case, we named the part of the couple that we have the longest history with and the closest connection.

[BabyBearsMom]

We have MIL and FIL as the guardians. They are relatively young (in their early 50s) and are very well off financially so I know that they could take care of DD without it being a burden. We decided to set it up like this for now, and then revisit in 10 years when are siblings are more settled.

I have a close friend who I would consider as a guardian, but since we have good choices in the family, I would rather stick with family.

[Dream]

We don't have a will yet. But when we do, I don't have a choice but to have the grand parents raise the kids. The only family I have in the USA is my parents althought they're aging, currently my mom is the sole caregiver to DD during the day. And this is the best for the kids too rather than shipping them over seas. Otherwise I would select my brother but he's in UK. And everyone else is in the other side of the map including DH's parents and a sister who's in UK too.

Definitely not a good situation for me.

[Momit]

We also opted to choose close friends over family. Neither DH or I have siblings we'd want raising our child. And although the grandparents are in great health now, it's unlikely they will still be alive until DS grows up so we wouldn't want him to go through losing another set of "parents." We told the grandparents and they were fine with it.

I hadn't thought about the issue with naming a husband/wife, if there's a divorce in the future. We'll definitely address that when we make it legal (which is on our to-do list!)

It was also suggested that we name an "alternate" since we for sure do not want our siblings to end up with DS.

[Ceepa]

We want close friends to raise DC if we die. We don't reasonable choices within the family.

[longtallsally05]

My sister (and by defalt my BIL) get the kids if DH and I die. My brother is second choice if my sister can't/doesn't want to take them for some reason, then my parents are third choice. We wanted our children to be parented by people our age, not by people who might pass away due to old age before our children finish high school, college or grad school. We put our preferences in our wills after we discussed it with my family. We also put in the will that under no circumstances would custody go to DH's sister (because I have grave misgivings about her husband). I'm more concerned with making the right choice for my children than I am about offending my ILs (this is an ongoing pattern and they don't like me much because of it). I know my ILs would be VERY offended, which is why we never discussed it with them. I figure that is need-to-know information. Hopefully they'll never need to know.

[MamaMolly]

We chose MIL. Not MIL and FIL, but just MIL. My sister was hurt as we are her DD's guardian, but they have a very different life style and value system than we do. Plus MIL can afford to give both girls a decent education and good start in life, where as my sister would struggle a LOT.

[lhafer]

Currently we have our best friends as guardian of my oldest if we were to die. Since she was born, they have had 2 children, and we added one more to our family. So if we die, they end up with a total 4 kids.

My DH and I have talked about it, and I think we are going to ask my sister (she's 10 years my senior) and her husband to be the kids' guardian, and change our will.

The reason we are thinking of changing has nothing to do with our friends at all. They are the best people! I know they would take of our children like their own. But my older sister has been trying for 3 years to have a baby of her own. She LOVES being an aunt, and LOVES kids. So if something were to happen to us, I think she would become an awesome mom to our girls.

And the plus side of this is our friends live here in Houston with us, and the rest of our family (my sister, my parents, and DH's parents) all live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area (5 hours from us). So the girls would be closer to all their family.

DH's parents would probably be upset we didn't ask them. They lost their youngest son to suicide when he was 22. DH is now their only child. My parents had twins when I was 15. They are now 17 years old about to leave home for college in the next couple of years. I think my parents are ready to be alone!!

I have never discussed our plans with anyone other than when we asked our friends if they would agree to it. It's in our will that way, so that will need to change if indeed we ask my sister and BIL to become the girls' godparents.

[vludmilla]

SIL/BIL (DH's sister). They are only a few years older than us, very financially secure, and they are great parents. They share values that are most similar to us. They also live in a nearby town so it would keep DD in the same area that she is growing up in. I adore my MIL/FIL but I wouldn't expect them to raise DD on their own but I am sure they would be very involved.

[infocrazy]

My personal opinion is that all family/friends who will be impacted (grandparents, your siblings, in-laws, friends, etc.) should be informed of the decision before the will/trust is drafted. This gives you the chance to explain your decision and try to smooth over any hurt feelings.

I agree. My SIL will get our kids should something happen to both of us. We aren't sure of the backup yet, but my thought is a friend. If my friend got them, I can see my well-meaning family not understanding and contesting...which we don't want. I am also praying that my brother meets a nice girl who stabilizes him and helps him reset his priorities so that they can be our second on the list.

[salsah]

i know my parents would be offended if i didn't list them first. so i listed them first (my sister second) but agreed with my sister that she would take the kids from my parents. i trust that my parents will transfer guardianship to my sister. weird, i know. but that is how my parents are.

[kijip]

Plus MIL can afford to give both girls a decent education and good start in life, where as my sister would struggle a LOT.

We took care of the financial aspect with term life insurance. I don't want my kids to be a financial burden on anyone or to not have the opportunity to go to college etc as they would if we were alive, so we made up the difference between our net worth and the cost of raising and educating two kids with enough life insurance. The current terms expire after our kids would be college age/just beyond.

[Twoboos]

Right now? The state. <hangs head in shame>

We have not been able to agree on this. DH wanted his sister/husband to have them, but they live far from us and DDs only just saw them for the 4th time ever last week. They have 2 kids similar in age.

I want my brother/SIL to have them. They live in the area and see the girls weekly/monthly. They have an infant. DH's reasoning used to be that my brother wasn't married... now he is.

I want them to stay local and stay with my family. I do not want MIL to have free access to DDs. And I know what DH's sister was like when she was growing up (her pic is next to "spoiled brat" in the dictionary, truly everyone knows it even SIL) and I will NOT have my DDs raised like that.

As I said, we cannot agree but really REALLY need to revisit this.

Both my parents are deceased, and MIL would say it's too much work to have the girls. (She likes them best when they are watching TV.) So at least that's taken care of!

[Corie]

My sister & her husband will get my two kids. And I will get her kids
if she & her husband pass away.

[sste]

Twoboos, we were hung up for the longest time in creating our will/estate plan because of similar guardianship issues (I posted about this on a thread about will/estate plans several weeks ago).

Anyway, if this helps you: 1) you and your DH can go forward with whoever you think is best right now, with the information you have. *If* circumstances change it is usually very affordable to change guardianship - - I think this occurs via an addendum or amendment to the will. Our estate attorney charges a few hundred dollars for such a change and says it happens all the time.

2) Maybe you can compromise with your DH by including "precatory" non-binding language instructing the guardian (your relatives if I am following this) that your wishes are for visitation and cultivating a relationship with SIL/dh's relatives.

[AnnieW625]

:bag We don't know. A year ago before I got pregnant with DD2 we talked about finally getting our act together and doing a will. DH thought that we would ask his brother, and wife because they had no children. Now well BIL and his wife have a 2 mos. old son, and want another fairly quickly as wife turns 40 next year and BIL will be 42. So eventhough we know they can afford to care (and both DH and I have life insurance policies so the kids would be taken care of) for 4 children (public schools are amazing in their hometown) I don't know if they would want two other children besides their own. We really need to figure something out though quickly.

[kijip]

:bag We don't know. A year ago before I got pregnant with DD2 we talked about finally getting our act together and doing a will. DH thought that we would ask his brother, and wife because they had no children. Now well BIL and his wife have a 2 mos. old son, and want another fairly quickly as wife turns 40 next year and BIL will be 42. So eventhough we know they can afford to care (and both DH and I have life insurance policies so the kids would be taken care of) for 4 children (public schools are amazing in their hometown) I don't know if they would want two other children besides their own. We really need to figure something out though quickly.

That's interesting. See, I would think it easier for both the guardians and the kids if the guardians already had children. If I ended up caring for my nieces, nephews or friend's children, I'd just make it happen, including moving to a larger house if need be. I would not be comfortable knowing my kids were going to live with people who had no inclination to parent.

[Tondi G]

we don't have a will in place but have been talking about getting one done. My sister already knows that if anything happened to DH and I that we would like our children to go to her. She doesn't have children at this point but has been a big part of my boys life thus far. She recently got engaged and I like her fiancee well enough for him to help raise my boys if something happened to us!

[edurnemk]

We are in the process of having our will drawn (we've been postponing it for years) and I don't know if DH and I will easily agree on this issue. I DO NOT want them to got to MIL and FIL because we don't share many morals and views. Plus FIL is a controlling, overbearing, emotional abuser, but DH refuses to see this and idolizes him. SIL is a disaster, she can't get her act together, so no way. On my side, my oldest brother is someone I would NOT consider, and neither would DH, for many reasons including his temper. My younger bro would be a better choice... a few years from now, he's still in college, only 22 So I will probably choose my parents for now (they're in their late 50's, healthy and take care of DS on a regular basis), but I don't know if DH will be on board with naming my parents and not his.

I'd also consider one of my cousins, but she has a lot on her plate right now. Plus she lives in another town. So I would be definetely open to consider 2 of my best friends, with whom I share many values.

This issue is really stressing me out.

[dogmom]

Friends of ours would take care of our children. My MIL was a bit taken aback, but she's gotten used to it. I think the good approach to take is to remind them that this is not just a decision about now, but 15-20 years from now. Is your 60-70 yo parents going to be taking care of teenagers when they are in their 80's? Besides, my MIL sucks with money, and she would be tempted to spend all the life insurance money on whatever the kids would want to make them feel better. (My daughter would have a half a dozen ponies.)

[egoldber]

Right now it is my ILs. They are quite old, but they are the best choice we have at the moment. My side, no. Not happening. Ever. I would definitely consider friends before anyone on my side.

DH's side, I like his sisters, but my BILs, not so much. There is one BIL/SIL combo that I think would be acceptable once the kids are a little older, so that is probably who we will change it to. The other SIL, no way, no how, unless she divorces current BIL.

[ILoveLucy]

Right now, my best friend, whom I've known since we were kids. I am not a huge fan of her husband, but I know he is a good parent and would be a good guardian. However, my stepdaughter is 22 and we plan to change it to her in a few years when she is older and out of college. We have enough life insurance so that finances wouldn't be an issue.

I have a sister, but she is totally unacceptable, so friend trumps family in my case for now.

[conniez]

We are in the process of having our will drawn (we've been postponing it for years) and I don't know if DH and I will easily agree on this issue. I DO NOT want them to got to MIL and FIL because we don't share many morals and views...
This issue is really stressing me out.

:yeahthat: For anyone who's read my posts it's no secret I wouldn't want DDs to go to in-laws. FIL drinks too much & SIL said some of the uncles/family friends who come over all the time molested her when she was young. NOT an environment I would want my daughters to be raised in. Also, in-laws are just too different from us...different religion and values; they are very traditional Vietnamese & believe girls should clean/cook/etc. just because they're girls. Sorry, NO! While we haven't drawn up a will yet, I'm sure this will be a sore spot for us, too. DH of course sees nothing wrong with them going to his parents despite how I feel, and of course I feel they should go to my parents (who I consider young at 48 & 50). Plus my parents are much closer to my girls & DH knows this.

[gatorsmom]

I haven't read all the replies yet. We just finished up our will in January, although we'd been thinking about this subject for a LONG time. It is an excruciating decision. We did NOT choose my dad or my ILs because they are too old. I really wanted to choose one of my best friends, Ann, because she and I are very similar in our spiritual beliefs, our sense of humor, our views on politics and how we raise our children, pretty much in every sense. We attended the same grade school and high school and both attended Catholic Universities. Her children are happy, well-adjusted, loving and kind. I think Ann would be a wonderful mother to my children and they'd grow up to feel very loved. HOWEVER, she already has 4 children. I think 4 more could put her over the edge. :D Also, she doesn't live near any of our families, not mine nor DH's.

So, we chose my SIL. She has one son and she is extremely intelligent. She could handle 4 more kids. She's also very loving and kind. My only regret is that she and her DH are not of the same religious denomination. In fact, she and her DH are not even practicing Christians. That is such a crucial part of my children's upbringing. But, she promised to raise my according to our faith so I can only hope that she would respect my wishes.

The financial aspect is not an issue. If DH and I were both to die, the life insurance and our other investments would more than cover the cost of raising our kids according to our wishes.

[dcmom2b3]

I don't think that it's weird at all -- it's what my plan is. In the event of my death (father's already gone) DD would go to her best friend's parents, who also are dear friends of mine. Young couple, with a son just a bit older than DD -- she adores all of them, and they adore her. The kids already treat each other like brother and sister (for better and for worse :)) They live in our 'hood, and mom and dad share my parenting values and goals/ideals for DD's education, are great at managing money, and are creative, loving, wonderful people.

I haven't told my mother or late H's parents, and frankly, don't know that I will.

[bubbaray]

Another vote for friends. I have no family. FIL/sMIL are (1) not interested in their grandkids; (2) too old; and (3) live in Europe half the year. DH's brother/SIL will never care for my children. Seriously. I would rather my kids go to foster care than be cared for by that wretched couple. Blech.

So, after much debate, we chose our best friends. Not ideal b/c her son is long-grown (she had him very young) and they therefore can travel. A lot. Also, they don't live in our area. But, all things considered, DH and I, along with our friends (who were very much involved in our decision) thought it was best. My friend and I drafted the applicable provisions in the wills....

I have no idea if DH has told his family and I don't fricken care. If they try to contest the wills, I will haunt them. See Fairy's weird things threads for more info on my experiences in this regard.

[BillK]

We're giving ours to whatever relative has annoyed us the most at our time of death!


J/K!!!

My sister and brother-in-law - our parents are too old for that burden.

[HannaAddict]

Makes sense to me. I don't think it's unusual or weird. I wouldn't worry about offending the grandparents. It's your decision, and it's your will, which is private.

The grandparents don't need to know until they NEED to know...like after you're gone, IYKWIM.

I would just get the ok from the friends to make sure they're up to it.

Yeah that. If my mom was alive, it would still be a tough call since she would be in her sixties but in-laws are 70 and MIL is not a nice person and my husband agrees. Our friends have values more closely aligned with ours, are great parents themselves versus just preaching that they are, though it saddens and scares me a bit me that we have no viable family members to fill that role. Our friends who had children several years before us asked us to take on their kids too and we said sure, though I like their extended family! With three kids it is a big deal but if a catastrophic event happened (loss both of us) they would at leat come with enough $$ to allow the guardians to care for them even if it meant buying a bigger house, car, hiring a nanny, etc. It is scary to think about.

[niccig]

At first I thought it would be my sister, but when we finally got around to creating the guardianship documents I realised that wouldn't work. She lives in the UK, so DS would lose his home and his parents. We went with close friends - DS would still need to move to their house, but it's 10 mins away and he's with their family every week or so.

We were number 2 on their list as just married when they had kids. They've bumped us to number 1 as his brother has divorced and it's messy. The 4 of us talked about it, and their house is big enough so we would move there. Both families are financially sound that we could raise more children and not need to dip into the childrens inheritance etc. And important for me is that the wife is more than capable of dealing with my mother, who will not take it easily that DS is being cared for by friends. In this case, the friends are closer in relationship than family are, so it's the best choice for DS.

[hillview]

My kids would go to my sister and her husband -- they have 2 kids similar ages to my kids. My parents would continue to be involved. I don't think my parents would want the responsibility.
/hillary

[MaiseyDog]

The girls would go to my brother and SIL and DH's brother would handle the estate.

[hellokitty]

My brother and sil will get the kids. Problem is that I have told DH we need to do a will, he has been telling me for THREE yrs that he will find a lawyer. Obviously, he has STILL not done it. I guess *I* will have to do it.

[MontrealMum]

Neither my parents nor my ILs would want the burden/responsibility of raising a young child. They're all way too old - they were old parents for *us* - and FIL has significant health problems. I have no siblings, but DH has a sister. Who isn't in a million years getting her claws into, ahem, hands on, my kid.

DS will go to my BFF if something happens. Second choice is my cousin. Both of them have agreed and have the notarized documents in their possession. Both are in the US, and we presently live in Canada, but the parenting style, being in a loving home, and general moral beliefs were far more important to us than keeping DS in Canada.

My parents are well aware of our choice, and agree with it wholeheartedly. DH's do not know, and I don't care if they do or not. They do know that we had it all drawn up as FIL is a lawyer and he's the one who recommended the guy we went to. I'm fairly certain that they assume we've chosen SIL and do not care to enlighten them that, in fact, we haven't. SIL/BIL are significantly older than we are (50s), have a teenaged son, have made quite a few life decisions regarding their own son that we don't agree with, and are just plain weird. We won't be telling them because the family dynamic on that side is so odd that it's simply better not to.

[ehf]

My FIL is a lawyer and offered to draw up the will for free...we declined specifically because we didn't want him (and by extension, MIL, then SILs, etc) to know the content of the will.

My DH's family has already contested two wills, and my brother is guardian/executor, and it will DEFINITELY cause controversy. We made sure our lawyer knew our concerns, and we will write a letter explaining our decisions if it becomes necessary. No reason to ruffle all the feathers now, and letting everyone know our intentions now doesn't mean they won't contest it later anyway.

In any case, I urge everyone to name several alternates. If you don't, and your first person is unwilling or unable, the state decides. You definitely don't want that happening.

[MoJo]

We've had the discussions (which went really smoothly, actually!) but still need to create the will.

We've agreed that my single & childless sister who lives several states away is our first choice. She has similar values, is financially more stable than anyone else, and wants children enough that she's considering adopting if she doesn't find Mr. Right soon. She didn't hesitate to agree.

My mom was relieved when I told her that was our plan. MIL & FIL would have a hard time watching the girls for a date night. Neither of our single, childless, financially unstable brothers would be an option. DH's other brother already has his hands full with an infant with Down Syndrome, and his sister is already trying to raise her granddaughter. There are significant values issues with each of them too.

We haven't discussed an alternate, but I'm guessing it would either be my mom or my best friend. Mom would be heart-broken if the girls had to go with my friend, because while the girls would be loved & well cared for, it would be a challenge to stay in contact with our families to the extent that we do in addition to their own. Best friend already has two older girls and lives here, which means not close to either of our families. I should probably have that discussion with my mom.

[Melaine]

We don't have a will (I know, that is horrible). I keep meaning to do one, and the girls would go to my parents. They are still young and are great parents and grandparents so I wouldn't hesitate from that aspect. In a few years when my siblings are older and/or married I would change it to one of them probably. For instance, my sister would make an excellent caregiver but she is only 18. Gosh, DH and I really need to sort this out, thanks for reminding me.

[liamsmom]

We had a will drawn up when DS was one month old. (I am morbid and felt the need to get it done ASAP--especially while I was on maternity leave and had the time.) We chose DH's brother and his wife--although they live across the country, they are relatively financially stable, own a house, and want kids.

DH and I each have four siblings, but the majority of them are under the age of 25. The rest are either single and not ready for kids, don't want kids at all, and/or have made such questionable choices in life that I don't want them raising my kids. I love my BIL (the guardian in the will) to death and know he would do right by my kids and make sure they still see my family as much as possible.

It's important to remember that circumstances change and it's alright to change your will at a later date. The people who would best fill the role as guardian tomorrow may not be such a good choice 10 years from now. Feelings may be hurt, but it's your right as a parent to make what choice you see best for your kids--just like all other parenting choices we make.

[shawnandangel]

We took care of the financial aspect with term life insurance. I don't want my kids to be a financial burden on anyone or to not have the opportunity to go to college etc as they would if we were alive, so we made up the difference between our net worth and the cost of raising and educating two kids with enough life insurance. The current terms expire after our kids would be college age/just beyond.

:yeahthat: We have 35yr Term and it's a great piece of mind knowing that BIL will be able to raise our child(ren) without financial burden should we die before DC(s) are an age that they can financially support themselves..

[DebbieJ]

We desperately need to do this. When we do, we will be asking some close friends from church. NO WAY IN HELL any of our parents are doing it and we don't agree with the parenting philosophies.of any of our siblings, nor do we feel that any of them are financially stable enough to take on our children. We do have term life insurance policies, but don't feel they have the skills to manage the cash.

[DietCokeLover]

My parents could not care for our kids full time, they are simply too old. Breaks my heart because no one would love them like they would.
We opted for a family with kids our ages who would go out of their way to maintain the kids relationship with my parents.
It's amazing how this question really makes you look at all of your values when you think of who you would want raising your children.

This is exactly what our situation is. We chose my BFF and her family simply due to my parents' ages. DH's family were never an option.