"I didn't want a kid with nut allergies to be in my daughter's class." [Archive]

justlearning

08-18-2010, 07:30 AM

Yesterday I took my son to his second-grade open house at school. While my son was putting away his school supplies, another mom was talking with the teacher right behind me. When told that the classroom would be nut-free this year, the mom said that she always packs PBJ's for her daughter so this would make their lives miserable now. She said that her daughter doesn't like anything else so they didn't want a kid with nut allergies in her class. (It seems that there must not have been in past years.)

She then proceeded to ask the teacher, "Is the kid's nut allergy fatal?" (The teacher replied that she couldn't give any information.) The mom then said, "I wish I could send the kid to my allergist--my allergist can get rid of allergies in 25 hours."

Well, my son does have potentially life-threatening allergies to certain nuts and is the reason that his classroom is designated as nut-free. They definitely have to keep kids from bringing nut products into the room because the kids all eat their lunches on the floor in a circle close together so a kid could accidentally grab part of my son's lunch (with peanut butter in their mouth) or vice versa. (They are allowed to bring in products manufactured on plants with nuts, just not products with nuts as an actual ingredient.)

I had just introduced my son to this mom's daughter and chose to keep my mouth shut when overhearing this mom's rant. I didn't want them to direct their hostility to my son right then. However, the kids in his class last year knew about his allergies (so they could tell the teacher if they saw him getting hives or having difficulty breathing). So, the girl will likely find out from his previous classmates whether or not his new teacher says anything. I talked with my son about it tonight so he understands that the daughter might complain about the situation to him.

So here's my PSA for everyone--please help your kids learn to eat something other than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. (Sunbutter is a great alternative.) Today when the mom said that her allergist could cure someone's nut allergies in 25 hours (never heard that one before!), I wanted to reply that given 25 hours with her daughter, I could probably help her learn to like other foods besides peanut butter. And given 25 hours with the mom, I could probably help her learn to get more creative in packing lunches. :)

But I held my tongue instead and just feel sad about the whole thing. . .

maestramommy

08-18-2010, 07:34 AM

The claim that an allergist could cure allergies in 25 hours is bizarre. I'm sure if that were true, he'd be a millionaire by now:p

I'm sorry the other mom was so closeminded. I know that some kids are picky and will "only eat PBJ" sandwhiches, but that kind of statement never fails to bring out the judgemental side of me, and I DO try not to judge.

TwinFoxes

08-18-2010, 07:44 AM

Reading this I thought "she's insensitive" then I got to the part about the allergist and realized she's a little nutso!

I think you handled it well. Even if she finds out eventually who the FA kid is, having a confrontation with her then and there could have gotten ugly quick. But prepare yourself with your comebacks if she confronts you in the future.

Don't mention Sun Butter though. I think it's gross! ;)

cuca_

08-18-2010, 07:45 AM

People never cease to amaze me. So far my kids do not have FAs, but I really feel for those parents who have to deal with it. I cannot understand why some people are willing to put a child's safety at risk over their child's love for PB. I cannot believe that she asked whether the child's allergy was really fatal!! I would rather have my child skip lunch, than be the trigger of someone's allergic reaction -- fatal or not. I am sorry that you and your son have to deal with this.

luckytwenty

08-18-2010, 07:49 AM

Can that allergist who can cure allergies in 25 hours meet with my husband? He's an allergist as well and I'm sure he'd love a miracle cure so that he could make a million dollars and we could retire before age 40. :-P

She sounds nutty. And RUDE. Geez. My kids don't have exotic pallettes either, but you've got to suck it up and deal. I sent my son to a kosher preK so he couldn't eat meat OR nuts and you know what? He didn't starve.

Melaine

08-18-2010, 07:50 AM

ThreeofUs

08-18-2010, 07:50 AM

I'm so sorry you had to overhear that woman talking damaging nonsense. She has no idea what she's talking about, obviously, and I *hope* she would be horrified if she knew she had been spouting such idiocies right near you.

JMS

08-18-2010, 08:09 AM

I'm sorry you had to deal with that but I'm also very impressed at how you handled it with such class.
I feel like I've told a million people and can't imagine I was the first to come up with this: Cream Cheese & Jelly!!

DietCokeLover

08-18-2010, 08:22 AM

I'm so sorry. I know that kids with FA get this a lot and it is amazingly insensitive. People can be so selfish sometimes! I think it is ridiculous to allow your child to eat only PB&J. Besides the obvious allergy issues (which you have to consider at this point), it isn't exactly healthy to be in such a dietary rut. I'm glad my kids aren't picky but I do think that the mom is to blame for that kind of extreme situation.
I love what you said about teaching the child to eat more than just PB&J given 25 hours.
About the allergist, I do know some medical practices that CAN in SOME cases cure SOME allergies relatively quickly. But she is certainly over-simplifying to say that any allergy in any person could be cured in 25 hours. That kind of mis-information is what makes people think that natural medicine is all hokey-pokey crap.

I agree mostly with you. The mom's comments were completely uncalled for. There is no reason whatsoever to question the validity or strength or degree of a person's food allergy.

Where I disagree with you is the child's pickiness being the mother's fault. I am squarely in a "dietary rut" with both of my DC because they refuse to eat but a handful of foods. It has to be the most discouraging, defeating, embarrassing and failure inducing feelings I have ever had and I have definitely tried to do everything right. My kids go to bed hungry many days due to their refusal to eat. So, I feel somehat for the mom as I can possibly understand her frustration at "great, what will my kid eat now", but I think she was completely wrong to put a child's safety at risk for her child's pickiness. I would NEVER do that. As I said, mine would just have to refuse their healthy, PB & J lunch like they do every other day of their lives.

egoldber

08-18-2010, 08:34 AM

I'm sorry you experienced that. I actually think it would have been good for you and her, to say something like "I'm sorry you feel inconvenienced, but this is a serious health risk for my child. I'm happy to provide with you some accurate info about nut allergies if it would be helpful to you."

I think people here forget how much better informed that people on this board are vs the general public. The vast majority of people get their info and news about things like allergies from 20 second blurbs on the news/radio and misinformation from others. I think that for most people it is simply a lack of understanding.

And also, I think that some people are confused by the cavalier attitude that some parents of even FA kids have about food allergies. I have known parents with FA kids, even severe FAs, who are not that careful. A child in my DD's Girl Scout troop has a younger sibling with severe allergies to peanuts, soy and dairy. I see him wandering around meetings where there are PB and dairy based snacks. His mom seems supremely unconcerned despite his having gotten into snacks at the meeting that have caused a reaction. It makes *me* really nervous, but if she is not worried, it is certainly not my place to be. And I do worry that it makes other parents in the troop less sensitive to FAs in other kids.

carolinamama

08-18-2010, 08:34 AM

Wow. I'm so sorry you had to hear her and that she is so close-minded. I would have had a very hard time keeping my mouth shut. You handled it very well.

JBaxter

08-18-2010, 08:40 AM

I agree mostly with you. The mom's comments were completely uncalled for. There is no reason whatsoever to question the validity or strength or degree of a person's food allergy.

Where I disagree with you is the child's pickiness being the mother's fault. I am squarely in a "dietary rut" with both of my DC because they refuse to eat but a handful of foods. It has to be the most discouraging, defeating, embarrassing and failure inducing feelings I have ever had and I have definitely tried to do everything right. My kids go to bed hungry many days due to their refusal to eat. So, I feel somehat for the mom as I can possibly understand her frustration at "great, what will my kid eat now", but I think she was completely wrong to put a child's safety at risk for her child's pickiness. I would NEVER do that. As I said, mine would just have to refuse their healthy, PB & J lunch like they do every other day of their lives.

I agree totally. The mom was out of line and should have kept her thoughts to hersels. I do feel and respect and would follow any food restrictions but it is hard with a kid who wont eat alot of things. Someone mentioned cream cheese and jelly... just the thought of that made me gag ( as it would my kids). Nathan will not eat sunbutter. Cashew butter he will do.
Currently our school system had nut free tables in the lunch room but as for class room restrictions there are none. The "forgot my money or packed lunch" is a peanut butter sandwich and milk at our elementary.

wendibird22

08-18-2010, 08:53 AM

:hug: That must have been hard to overhear and harder still to know this will be a yearly battle at the start of each new school year. Bravo for holding your tongue. I would have had a hard time doing that!

I think people here forget how much better informed that people on this board are vs the general public. The vast majority of people get their info and news about things like allergies from 20 second blurbs on the news/radio and misinformation from others. I think that for most people it is simply a lack of understanding.

:yeahthat: I do agree with this. Prior to these boards I had zero exposure to FA families and probably would have fallen into the group of people who would wonder why a whole class had to accommodate just one kid. We never had nut free zones/rooms/schools when I was growing up and even the large public school DH works at doesn't. So I've learned a great deal about FA here. Now I understand the severity, complexity, and challenges of FAs.

elliput

08-18-2010, 09:07 AM

The mom then said, "I wish I could send the kid to my allergist--my allergist can get rid of allergies in 25 hours."

I got a serious chuckle out of this comment. That is one amazing doctor! I'm sure if this were true that we would all know his name. :rolleye0014::rolleye0014::rolleye0014:

I'm sorry you had to witness that exchange. Prejudice takes many forms, unfortunately. I hope your DS has a great school experience. :)

crl

08-18-2010, 09:19 AM

I'm really sorry. And I think you were right to hold your tongue in the moment, although maybe you could provide a little handout about FA, including some suggestions for substitutions, for the teacher to send home to all the parents. I have a FA kid and my experience is that other kids very quickly understand the importance of helping their friends stay safe. I hope that little girl will adopt that attitude, and maybe it will even rub off on her mom.

Our fave peanut butter substitute is chocolate soy butter. So good with banana.

Catherine

pinkmomagain

08-18-2010, 09:22 AM

Sorry you had to deal with this. My nephews all have serious FAs so I feel for you.

Luckily in my SD, there are nutfree classrooms in younger grades and the schools always tell parents to let them know if they have a pickyeater who will only eat PB, because they will not place them in the nutfree classroom. Maybe that is something you can suggest at your school.

Dream

08-18-2010, 09:24 AM

I don't think you realise the complications or how hard it is having a kid with FA until you really have one. And when I talk to others I realise some people have no idea how complicated it is.

DDs allergic to peanut but her Ped said its mild, so far I've managed to not to expose her but she's not in daycare or school yet.

KpbS

08-18-2010, 09:29 AM

Big hugs. So sorry you had to deal with this lady and her bad attitudes. I certainly understand diet challenges as my FA kids have had an extremely limited diet for a long time. But there are so many other sources of protein and nutrition her child could have in a lunch it is ridiculous.

I am glad you prepped your DC for some potential negativity and also glad he is not totally new to the class---there are kids there that know him and could recognize if he is having a problem. I may be cynical but I can see someone who would complain so loudly on the first day w/o regard to anyone else who might overhear "accidentally" sending in treats that contain nuts just to be difficult. Hopefully not.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

lablover

08-18-2010, 09:30 AM

chlobo

08-18-2010, 09:33 AM

Babymakes3

08-18-2010, 09:42 AM

I know exactly what treatment her "allergist" does and it's an alternative treatment called NAET. Her "allergist" is not a board certified mainstream allergist. If you google it you'll find some people that swear by it, but a lot more people who have nothing to show for it and have wasted up to thousands of dollars. And, in 2009 a peanut allergic man died an hour after a NAET treatment that supposedly "cleared" him for peanuts after ingesting peanuts. Having a daughter with food and environmental allergies I like to read up on everything - alternative and mainstream - NAET is not something I'm going to waste my money on.

Good luck - hopefully her daughter will adjust and it won't be an issue for you and your DS.

Yup, NAET. We did about 5 treatments for various allergens and it didn't work, surprise surprise! It was a waste of money but my inlaws were adamant that this lady was fantastic and would cure ds.
I think crl had a great idea as far as writing up a little thing for the teacher to send out to parents about what they could use for substitutions like sunbutter.
DH and I were discussing what happens when ds gets to school age and this was a topic. I said I would nearly want to kill someone for thinking it was necessary to send their child with a pb&j sandwich and putting my child at risk on purpose. DH said to keep in mind there may be alot of people who can't afford much more than pb sandwiches, true but the majority I think are just lazy.

justlearning

08-18-2010, 09:47 AM

I would never put anyone else's child at risk and I feel for you having overhead that comment but I also feel for the mom. My child is gluten (wheat) & dairy free. An obvious protein replacement for me would be some kind of nut thing - PP&J or baking something with nut flour, etc. However, in a nut free environment that's just not possible. Last year there was even someone in her class with a sesame allergy so she couldn't even bring traditional hummus to class. It was really difficult and she's not even a picky eater. My son, on the other hand is a very picky eater and as one of the previous posters mentioned, it has nothing to do with me and is very demoralizing not being able to get your child to eat a range of healthy foods.

Again, I would never ever send in something that might harm another child but in dealing with this mom it would probably be helpful to just keep her perspective in mind. Not having been in your shoes, she only knows how her own feels.

Yes, I do appreciate hearing how it is to be in another parent's shoes. (It is helpful to hear from parents with picky kids because my kids are great eaters.) And I always have felt badly about having other parents have to alter their lunch packing based upon my son's food allergies. I guess my snide comebacks (spoken only in my head, not aloud) were based upon her tone of voice and what she was saying.

I agree with another poster that it would be a good idea for the school to not place picky eaters in classes with food restrictions. However, I could see this opening up a can of worms--what kid without FA really would want to be put in a classroom that prevented them from eating peanut butter at all?

My son happens to only be allergic to peanuts, walnuts, pecans, and hazelnuts so he is not allergic to almonds or cashews. I have previously told his school that it would be fine for kids to eat those two types of nuts or almond or cashew butter. But they said that they like to keep the room's designation as completely "nut-free" so parents aren't confused by saying that certain nuts can be eaten (which I understand). Perhaps in this situation, though, I should bring the issue up again in case the mom finds that her daughter is more open to those options than to soynut or sunbutter.

By the way, in reference to what you wrote, legumes are another great source of protein. My kids love lentils in all forms (lentil tacos, lentil soup, etc.) as well as black beans with rice, etc. But again, I realize that not all kids would be crazy about those options.

justlearning

08-18-2010, 09:50 AM

Yup, NAET. We did about 5 treatments for various allergens and it didn't work, surprise surprise! It was a waste of money but my inlaws were adamant that this lady was fantastic and would cure ds.
I think crl had a great idea as far as writing up a little thing for the teacher to send out to parents about what they could use for substitutions like sunbutter.
DH and I were discussing what happens when ds gets to school age and this was a topic. I said I would nearly want to kill someone for thinking it was necessary to send their child with a pb&j sandwich and putting my child at risk on purpose. DH said to keep in mind there may be alot of people who can't afford much more than pb sandwiches, true but the majority I think are just lazy.

Thank you both for the info about NAET. My son's allergist said that we should never try methods that would expose him to the nuts because his allergies are severe.

I do recognize that for some parents, peanut butter is all they can afford. Most of the families in my son's school, though, are upper middle class so I'm guessing that affordability isn't her primary concern.

hellokitty

08-18-2010, 09:50 AM

I'm sorry, that women didn't have a filter, did she? I can't believe she would say that out loud and then question the teacher about how serious the allergy is?!?!? Some ppl! Sorry you have to deal with that. I have a friend whose 6 yr old son has almost died 2x, d/t severe nut and egg allergies. She basically fought all yr long with her son's teacher, b/c she did not take her nut allergy serious and in one instance, the teacher gave her son something to eat that caused a massive reaction. This yr, she is not playing nice and sent a very business like letter to her son's teacher (mom is a lawyer), and the teacher this yr is already taking this very seriously. The mom is upset that the teacher from last yr has probably bad mouthed her and her son to the other teachers at the school, but b/c she tried to be, "nice" about it last yr, it didn't work out at all, so she's taken a very firm approach this yr. I think it is already a good sign that your son's teacher was not willing to engage the mother of pb&j girl any further about the specifics of your son's allergies.

hollybloom24

08-18-2010, 09:55 AM

I'm so sorry! My kids don't have allergies and I have been giving then sunflower butter for years in case they were in a nut-free class. I think it is yummy!

That mom sounds like an idiot! What mom wouldn't want all kids to be safe? Geez...

Babymakes3

08-18-2010, 10:01 AM

Thank you both for the info about NAET. My son's allergist said that we should never try methods that would expose him to the nuts because his allergies are severe.

I do recognize that for some parents, peanut butter is all they can afford. Most of the families in my son's school, though, are upper middle class so I'm guessing that affordability isn't her primary concern.

DS was around 15 months when we did it, they would tape a vial containing the allergen to his back and it had to be on there for a certain length of time, she did some accupressure on us (she had to test him thru me) then we would just sit and play until our time was up. She would come back and retest by pushing on my arm while I was touching him. It was very strange and I had my doubts but was willing to try. It wasn't harming him or exposing him. He has allergies to wheat, egg dairy too, not just nuts. We had to avoid the allergen in that category for 25 hours and they group alot of them together so it was really difficult to feed myself since i was nursing. DS can touch something (like at a restaurant and break out in hives) so I never actually had to have him ingest anything to know the treatment didn't work.

HIU8

08-18-2010, 10:11 AM

Wow, rude mom to say the least. DS does not have FA, but every year of preschool has been peanut or totally nut free so far. DS is a lover of pbj. He hates sunbutter, soybutter etc... There is no way I would put another child at risk just b/c DS has to have his pbj. My solution was to have it for him every single day after school in the car. We are at a kosher preschool so no meat or nuts last year. DS found other foods he would eat and he did not starve (but still had a pbj every afternoon in the car on the way home).

DrSally

08-18-2010, 10:15 AM

I'm so sorry! That is really weird. Unfortunately there are people that are uneducated about allergies. I think PP was right, that what she was spouting was one form of prejudice. I personally think that soybutter tastes very similar to PB, and would be a great alternative.

Ceepa

08-18-2010, 10:19 AM

That mom sounds loony about the allergist and a dismissive attitude toward FA is not reasonable, but as pp mentioned, we don't know what her story is. Maybe her daughter has extreme pickiness and it's a sensitive issue she has been struggling with for years, or there was a FA situation that wasn't handled well in her last classroom. Or else she's just having one of those weeks and this was the last straw.

OP, I think you handled he situation well. Whether through ignorance, idiocy or displaced frustration, this woman didn't present herself well, but you did. As long as your DS is safe and his FAs are respected this one woman's opinions shouldn't cast a negative light on your experience or that of your son's.

BTW, I love sunbutter, DC can't stand it. Or soybutter. Or cashew butter. Or almond butter. Oh well. We don't have nut allergies but I like to try alternatives just for variety.

squimp

08-18-2010, 10:22 AM

DrSally

08-18-2010, 10:26 AM

I bet the child will be more sensitive and flexible than the mom. My child has always had kids with allergies in her classes since daycare, and she stopped eating lots of foods because she didn't want them to hurt her friends.

:yeahthat: Usually the kids are very sensitive and kind about it. It's generally the parents that have a problem with it. Hopefully, that mom hasn't said this enough in front of her child to transmit that attitude to her child.

marie

08-18-2010, 10:31 AM

cono0507

08-18-2010, 10:35 AM

That is so frustrating and scary. Both of my kids have food allergies, and I just wish there was more public education about FA because they really are a public health issue. It is not just an inconvenience. It is a potentially fatal risk to have peanuts there. But I agree - definitely nutso based on the 25 hour "allergist" fix.

Good luck!!!

justlearning

08-18-2010, 10:39 AM

:hug:
Sorry you overheard that - I'm amazed you were able to keep your cool!

I was on the receiving end of this comment: "I'm so glad DD1 isn't in DC's class anymore. It's so much easier to make lunch for her in the morning."

So glad your life is much easier, lady.

I know what you mean. Her comment about their lives now being miserable if her daughter can't have peanut butter also rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, I understand that it can present a very big challenge for them but I would be very grateful if I were her if that's the only reason her life is now miserable. My son (the one with the FA) struggles with generalized anxiety disorder and sensory issues and my younger son is currently in remission after undergoing two years of treatment for fourth-stage cancer. He also is still undergoing lots of physical therapy and speech therapy, and we've been told that his IQ will always suffer due to the radiation he received on his brain. Sorry that I'm unloading now but it was hard emotionally to hear her say that my son's presence in her daughter's class was now going to make their lives miserable. How I wish that my biggest problem right now was peanut butter...

Gena

08-18-2010, 10:46 AM

I'm sorry you had to hear that. :hug:

I have heard other parents say that they do not want their kids in activities with DS (who has ASD), so I know how much that can hurt. Other parents can be rotten at times.

This is the first year DS will be going to school full day. He loves PB&J, so I've been trying all summer to get him to eat SunButter or soybutter instead, but no luck. I guess he'll be eating a lot of ham and cheese this year (his other favorite).

kijip

08-18-2010, 10:50 AM

I'm so sorry that she was so rude. Regardless of how picky her child is and why, it was so terrible of her to voice her thoughts that way and expect to be given private medical information. She could have privately asked the administrator for a room change if it is something that would actually prevent her daughter from eating. Also, WHY had it not occurred to her that at the very least she was likely talking in front of the parent of the child with food allergies? WTH? Not that it was appropriate to speak like that at all but to do it in a setting that it was extremely likely to be heard by you is just terrible as far as I am concerned. I would try not assume that the daughter will be mean about it because mom's a jerk.

g-mama

08-18-2010, 10:59 AM

I know what you mean. Her comment about their lives now being miserable if her daughter can't have peanut butter also rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, I understand that it can present a very big challenge for them but I would be very grateful if I were her if that's the only reason her life is now miserable. My son (the one with the FA) struggles with generalized anxiety disorder and sensory issues and my younger son is currently in remission after undergoing two years of treatment for fourth-stage cancer. He also is still undergoing lots of physical therapy and speech therapy, and we've been told that his IQ will always suffer due to the radiation he received on his brain. Sorry that I'm unloading now but it was hard emotionally to hear her say that my son's presence in her daughter's class was now going to make their lives miserable. How I wish that my biggest problem right now was peanut butter...

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

People have no idea what other people are struggling with. How extremely ignorant and insensitive of that mother. My 6yo nephew struggles with life-threatening allergies to milk, eggs, nuts and a zillion environmental things. I was already compassionate on this issue but seeing the day in and day out lifestyle changes my dear SIL and BiL have to ensure for his safety has opened my eyes even more. What a foolish woman.

clc053103

08-18-2010, 11:24 AM

I am one of the parents of a child who only eats PB and J for cold lunch (other foods in a thermos change consistency and he won't eat it). It is not for lack of trying. I have tried soybutter with mixed results, sunbutter was a flat out refusal. Is it a PITA for me to find something, anything for DS to eat? Sure! Is it life threatening? Nope! And that is why I don't complain!!!

That woman seems like, pardon the pun, a nut. However, I also agree that we shouldn't judge other parents for what their kids will and will not eat. So while I don't fault her for her child's limited diet, I do fault her for being insensitive and rude.

ehf

08-18-2010, 11:31 AM

It didn't actually seem to me like the mother was willing to risk any child's life--just that she was concerned about her own child's nutrition.

I would REALLY suggest that you provide a handout to the teacher to give to the parents about alternative lunches to PB&J.

Fairy

08-18-2010, 11:57 AM

sste

08-18-2010, 12:12 PM

I am often VERY taken back at the sense of entitlement some people feel with respect to themselves and their DC. I wonder if certain moms get totally caught up in their own little nuclear world of small children and lose all freaking perspective! No, your child's peanut butter sandwich is not more important than another child's life.

My position as a mom of a non-FA child is that all public schools should be peanut-free. The incidence is just too high now, attempting to police individual classrooms is subject to so much user error, the stakes are life and death. My son's preschool is nut-free. It is what we know. It is what he knows. It seems to me much less of a big deal than the year by year, class by class, snack by snack policing strategy that occurs when a school is less than totally peanut-free. We plan to really de-emphasize peanut butter in his diet because the odds are he will be in a peanut-free class/table/friendship etc. sometime soon.

catpagmo

08-18-2010, 12:20 PM

Sorry you have to deal with that. :hug: It's astonishing to me how some people have such little compassion in general. Unbelievable.

AshleyAnn

08-18-2010, 12:44 PM

I agree mostly with you. The mom's comments were completely uncalled for. There is no reason whatsoever to question the validity or strength or degree of a person's food allergy.

Where I disagree with you is the child's pickiness being the mother's fault. I am squarely in a "dietary rut" with both of my DC because they refuse to eat but a handful of foods. It has to be the most discouraging, defeating, embarrassing and failure inducing feelings I have ever had and I have definitely tried to do everything right. My kids go to bed hungry many days due to their refusal to eat. So, I feel somehat for the mom as I can possibly understand her frustration at "great, what will my kid eat now", but I think she was completely wrong to put a child's safety at risk for her child's pickiness. I would NEVER do that. As I said, mine would just have to refuse their healthy, PB & J lunch like they do every other day of their lives.

:yeahthat:

I totally agree. Your daughter deserves a safe enviroment but that doesn't mean another child's mother cannot be flusterated and annoyed that this means the one surefire 'my kid will eat this' lunch is not allowed. For all you know this mother is on WIC which provides peanut butter and bread as a major staple. Some children are just plain picky and stubborn and will starve if presented with food they don't want (:wavey: me as a kid) and some parents just aren't all that creative and have never had to consider the idea of a nut free lunch so its a sudden blow to be told they have to come up with some new lunch idea for thier kid ASAP.

As for the curing allergies things, that is just nutty.

egoldber

08-18-2010, 12:47 PM

My position as a mom of a non-FA child is that all public schools should be peanut-free.

Before this happens MAJOR policy changes will need to happen at the USDA. Peanut butter is a staple of the school lunch program.

lovin2shop

08-18-2010, 12:54 PM

I have an excessively picky eater, as in had to do therapy for the issue, and he was in a nut free classroom one year in preschool. It was quite honesly one of the best things that could have happened. It really forced DS to try out some new lunch options and I'm still glad about it to this day. It took the pressure off of me to get him to eat something else, it really became more of his responsibility to find an acceptable solution on his own or go hungry.

Some people just need to get a better perspective on life so that they don't see everything in such a negative light. I'm sorry that you had encounter such negativity!

MamaMolly

08-18-2010, 01:07 PM

Oh man. That is hard to hear, but in a way I think it is a good thing you know her honest feelings on the subject. And you know for a fact that she's been given the rules.

I think you handled it well. I'd be so tempted to turn around and tell her that you didn't want your kid in a classroom with a child who's mother is painfully self centered.

twowhat?

08-18-2010, 01:14 PM

This thread makes me so glad that I started my non-FA girls on sunbutter instead of PB (2 reasons - so they could have a "butter" before one year of age, and because sunbutter is so high in fiber). They have tried PB, but Sunbutter is what we have in the house.

MartiesMom2B

08-18-2010, 01:27 PM

I don't understand why it's ok to infer that parents that have picky children are bad parents or lazy. Before I had children, I had vowed that my kids would eat everything. Then I had a child who when she was in her high chair, hated meat so much that when my mom tried to hide in spaghetti sauce she eaten the spaghetti and had spit out the meat piece by piece until she had a neat pile on the tray. She loves peanut butter and it's a source of protein for her. Her best friend has a peanut allergy and a terrible cashew allergy. However, I have been able to teach her that if I pack peanut butter to not sit near her friends with a peanut allergy and after lunch she needs to wash her hands thoroughly. On the days that I pack a bean & cheese burrito or a salad, I tell her that she can sit next to her FA friends.

The other lady in the classroom has no tact. Being in a nut free class can be a hassle, but it's no where near the hassle when that FA is in your house. My good friend has Celiac's disease and I see how her allergies affect her and hassles that she has to go through with her food. I just ask that you give the parents of picky eaters the same respect that you would like regarding your child with FA.

justlearning

08-18-2010, 01:40 PM

I just ask that you give the parents of picky eaters the same respect that you would like regarding your child with FA.

I do understand and respect that parents can really struggle with picky eaters. That's why I really wish that they didn't have to make my kid's classroom nut-free. But considering that they don't have sinks in the classroom to wash hands after touching peanuts, considering that they eat all their snacks and lunches in the classroom, etc., it's the school's policy that his classroom must be nut free given the severity of his allergies.

Regarding the snarky comeback that crossed my mind (but that I would have never uttered out of respect to her), I do actually feel that the mom is lacking in creativity if she says that she can't pack anything at all except for PB&J. I would find it hard to believe that her 7 or 8-year-old daughter only eats PB& J for lunch and dinner at home every single day. My point about creativity is that she can pack leftovers from dinner the night before (I do this all the time) instead of PB&J. She can pack whatever else her daughter might eat--chicken nuggest, hot dogs, hamburgers, whatever. I'm not trying to imply that she needs to pack lentil soup for her picky daughter but just anything at all that her daughter will eat, even if it does require more work boxing up/reheating than the standard PB&J.

niccig

08-18-2010, 01:47 PM

I just ask that you give the parents of picky eaters the same respect that you would like regarding your child with FA.

While I do agree with respecting others, I do have great difficulty understanding that someone's frustration over what to pack for lunch rates higher than another child's life. I really really don't get parents like the lady the OP met. Yes, it's going to be an inconvenience, but the alternative, sending the PB&J could send a child to the ER. Isn't avoiding an ER trip or worse, worth the inconvenience?

I do hope that the other parent was momentarily flustered, and that when she considers the impact her child's PB&J will have on another child, she'll comply with the food restriction. It also sounds like the teacher will make sure the classroom is nut free.

alien_host

08-18-2010, 01:56 PM

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but I also think it's good in a way to know what people "really think". Once you get more comfortable with the teacher/other parents, perhaps you can help educate others on the seriousness of FA.

I have a child with FA AND she is a moderately picky eater...I understand the frustration (to a certain extent...not to the threaten someone else's life extent) of parents with picky eaters, perhaps she was venting and isn't really a complete b*tch (you can hope right?).

I think it was good not to react in the moment, but to maybe gather your thoughts etc. Maybe you can ask the teacher if you can send a letter home to the parents. Explaining your childs FA, safe alternatives, etc. My plan as my DD enters K is to be as involved in the classroom as I can to keep my DD safe and help others understand FA better.

Best of luck!

DrSally

08-18-2010, 03:13 PM

:yeahthat:

I totally agree. Your daughter deserves a safe enviroment but that doesn't mean another child's mother cannot be flusterated and annoyed that this means the one surefire 'my kid will eat this' lunch is not allowed.

But she didn't just express frustration over what to pack for her daughter's lunch, she said, "I didn't want a kid with a nut allergy to be in DD's class this year". That's a very hurtful/discriminatory comment toward the actual child with the FA. Different from expressing mild frustration over what to pack, IMO. And, she was clueless enough to verbalize this in a classroom of children/parents.

ETA: and IMO, it's not ok to question whether the child's FA is life threatening or not. If the food is restricted in the classroom, obviously it's a health issue for the child.

HIU8

08-18-2010, 03:29 PM

DrSally

08-18-2010, 03:50 PM

:yeahthat:

but, there is also something very frustrating to me. DS's class was totally nut free this year. So, I took that to heart. DS wanted pretzels for his snack for the class once. I bought a bag that said it was made in a plant with nuts (can't remember which brand) and I was told that was ok ( I assumed nut free really meant totally nut free, but I guess I way wrong or miss-informed). I asked for a list prior to that, of safe foods. I was told by the teacher there wasn't one (I knew the child with the FA, but didn't feel it was right to go up and ask his mom for a list of safe products--FWIW I did not know the severity of her son's allergy, but that should not matter anyway).

I think it varies as to whether it's ok to have things made in a facility with nuts in "nut free" classrooms. I can totally understand your frustration. The teachers need to be clear about what is expected. I could see in a non-preschool class where kid's weren't bringing snacks for everyone, that made in a shared facility snacks would be ok. They're definitely not ok for a PA child to ingest though In either case, the policy needs to be clear!

HIU8

08-18-2010, 03:54 PM

I'm hoping DS's new school is better about it. The preschool seemed so cavalier. Last yr DD's class was not peanut or any other nut free. I would not allow her to take anything though b/c DS couldn't and I didn't think it was fair. I'm of the mind that the entire school is peanut and/or other nut free instead of class by class (just makes it safer and easier IMO).

AshleyAnn

08-18-2010, 05:50 PM

But she didn't just express frustration over what to pack for her daughter's lunch, she said, "I didn't want a kid with a nut allergy to be in DD's class this year". That's a very hurtful/discriminatory comment toward the actual child with the FA. Different from expressing mild frustration over what to pack, IMO. And, she was clueless enough to verbalize this in a classroom of children/parents.

ETA: and IMO, it's not ok to question whether the child's FA is life threatening or not. If the food is restricted in the classroom, obviously it's a health issue for the child.

I disagree. It may have been poorly worded but the true subject of the statement was that the mother didn't want to have to deal with packing a PBJ alternative everyday for a picky eater so she didn't want her child in a classroom with a food ban. I don't think she ment to be hurtful. She shouldn't have said it in front of other parents or children but she was there and had just gotten the info and was obviously upset. She probably didn't realize how hurtful she was being and didn't consider the idea that another time would have been more appropriate.

I also don't see anything wrong with asking about the severity of a FA. It would have been a good time to educate her that yes the child could die from peanuts and make sure she understood how important the issue was. She obviously isn't too educated in FA as she thinks they can be cured.

A question for those that say thier children understand FAs and accept they can't eat things at school because it makes a certian child sick - what happens if your child happens to not particularly like the child with the FA or doesn't know anyone with FA? Do they still willingly accept that those foods aren't allowed in school without arguement? Even if they hate each other and consider them to be the 'worstest enemy' ever?

niccig

08-18-2010, 06:07 PM

A question for those that say thier children understand FAs and accept they can't eat things at school because it makes a certian child sick - what happens if your child happens to not particularly like the child with the FA or doesn't know anyone with FA? Do they still willingly accept that those foods aren't allowed in school without arguement? Even if they hate each other and consider them to be the 'worstest enemy' ever?

I just had this conversation with DS. He is on a PB&J kick and is having it for lunch and snack. I told him that once school starts it will not be in his lunch, and I explained that there is a girl in his class that has a peanut allergy and she can be hurt if he takes peanut butter to school. I asked if he understood and he said yes, that he wouldn't want to hurt her. I'll give it to you for snack at home instead.

I'm teaching my child to be aware of his actions and how they can hurt people. No, you can't hit another kid to take their toy. No, you can't shove a kid, so you can go first down the slide. No, you can't take PB&J to school as it can hurt another child.

If DS didn't like her and still wanted to take PB&J to hurt her, then we have a much bigger behavioural problem to deal with. My answer would be the same "no, we don't hurt other people and it doesn't matter if you like them or not, you don't do something that you know will hurt someone." And I would want to know why he wanted to hurt her, why did he 'hate' her etc.

I also wonder if those that want their child to have PB&J despite a nut ban, if they've considered the impact it could have on their child if they witnessed a FA classmate having a reaction because of their PB&J? I know my DS would be very upset if it was HIS lunch that made someone stop breathing, paramedics, rushed to hospital etc, he would have nightmares for ages over it. I have seen an anaphlytic reaction in a friend's child and I was traumatized. I don't want DS to be in a position of harming another child like that, especially when it can be avoided - if there's a nut ban then no nuts, if it's nut-free table then no nuts at that table.

niccig

08-18-2010, 06:32 PM

Do they still willingly accept that those foods aren't allowed in school without arguement? Even if they hate each other and consider them to be the 'worstest enemy' ever?

And just to add, DS doesn't make his own lunch. I do. So, it's not DS that has to willingly accepting PB&J isn't allowed, it's ME and other parents/caregivers. Granted at some point he will be old enough to make his own lunch. But for now, it is me. DS can beg for PB&J as much as he wants, but I don't want another child to be hurt from DS's lunch, so I don't pack it.

And it does surprise me that other parents don't feel the same about avoiding hurting another child. I know I would be :angry-smiley-005: if another parent didn't seem to care if my child was hurt from their actions. I would like to believe that many parents are not educated about FAs, and when they are, they take steps to avoid exposing another child. But having read some posts here about people continually sending nut products when told not to, I'm probably wrong on that.

Cam&Clay

08-18-2010, 07:45 PM

I just want to pipe in and say that my kid isn't allergic to anything, but I teach him that some foods cannot be eaten at school because other kids are so allergic that they can get terribly sick. Some get so sick that they can die.

Same here. DS1 has a friend with a life-threatening nut allergy. He just knows that peanut butter is something you only eat at home. Now that's he's facing puberty head on, he can put away 3 sandwiches at a time, but he must only do that at home!

kijip

08-18-2010, 07:55 PM

I also don't see anything wrong with asking about the severity of a FA. It would have been a good time to educate her that yes the child could die from peanuts and make sure she understood how important the issue was. She obviously isn't too educated in FA as she thinks they can be cured.

Asking about the severity of a specific child's food allergy is asking for private medical information. It's confidential. It's wrong to ask and in this context comes across as a challenge of the validity of the school's decision and the reason the decision needed to be made. As the person being talked about so brazenly, I can see why the OP felt personally offended. It was personally offensive.

Fairy

08-18-2010, 08:08 PM

I don't understand why it's ok to infer that parents that have picky children are bad parents or lazy. Before

No one said that.

kijip

08-18-2010, 08:09 PM

Before this happens MAJOR policy changes will need to happen at the USDA. Peanut butter is a staple of the school lunch program.

It's also a staple at food banks and a WIC check item. While I am super on board with accommodating and keeping any child safe, including those with FA, I don't see how an across the board ban is feasible or even the best outcome given that even with the rising rates, serious peanut allergies do not exist in most classrooms or even schools. It's a serious issue that needs to be taken as such but I don't think it is as clear as "no peanuts anywhere".

Fairy

08-18-2010, 08:13 PM

I disagree. It may have been poorly worded but the true subject of the statement was that the mother didn't want to have to deal with packing a PBJ alternative everyday for a picky eater so she didn't want her child in a classroom with a food ban. I don't think she ment to be hurtful. She shouldn't have said it in front of other parents or children but she was there and had just gotten the info and was obviously upset. She probably didn't realize how hurtful she was being and didn't consider the idea that another time would have been more appropriate.

What if you replaced "kid with a nut allergy" with "kid with cerebral palsy?" Or "kid with a missing limb?" Then would it be offensive? Where's the line we draw? FA kids have a serious health issue. I do not believe that any child out there is limited to only eat Peanut Butter for all three meals a day or they will die. Whereas, lots of children are limited to never being exposed to nuts or they will die. No contest for me. My life impacts the person next to me. It's just the way it is, and it's only going to get worse. I accept it, and I deal, and I don't say things like "I don't want an FA kid in my son's class this year," cuz it's just plain intolerant.

kijip

08-18-2010, 08:22 PM

What if you replaced "kid with a nut allergy" with "kid with cerebral palsy?" Or "kid with a missing limb?" Then would it be offensive? Where's the line we draw?

Exactly. Because of his CP, my younger brother had braces on 1 leg and arm in school. And yes, some teachers did not want to deal with his therapy schedule and some parents wondered why he had to be in the regular classroom (mind you, this is a physical impairment only with pull-out physical therapy needs).

People really need to stop and think before they blurt things out. It can be hurtful.

ncat

08-18-2010, 08:36 PM

When I was a senior in high school, a freshman accidentally ate some candy that contained nuts and died before she got to the ER. Even though I didn't know her, it made a huge and lasting impression on me.

DD loves PB&J and its actually kind of nice that she can't have it at daycare (it is OK at her school) so it is a special weekend treat for her.

I hope that your child has an enjoyable and safe school year and this woman becomes more educated regarding food allergies! I feel that any minor inconvenience to me and my family in avoiding certain items so school lunches won't hurt any classmates is eclipsed by the inconvenience of the daily struggles of families with life-threatening food allergies.

TwinFoxes

08-18-2010, 08:39 PM

Asking about the severity of a specific child's food allergy is asking for private medical information. It's confidential. It's wrong to ask and in this context comes across as a challenge of the validity of the school's decision and the reason the decision needed to be made. As the person being talked about so brazenly, I can see why the OP felt personally offended. It was personally offensive.

:yeahthat:Especially the bolded. The other mom was questioning whether all this extra effort was necessary. And I think there was a good chance she knew she would be overheard by the FA parent.

resipsaloquitur

08-18-2010, 08:43 PM

I just want to pipe in and say that my kid isn't allergic to anything, but I teach him that some foods cannot be eaten at school because other kids are so allergic that they can get terribly sick. Some get so sick that they can die. Thank goodness you can eat anything you want, but other kids can't, and we have to be very carful not to do anything that could accidentally hurt them. And he gets it. I mean, he really gets it. Now, he hates peanut butter, so no issue. But I can promise you, if I said it was ice cream or chocolate or fishy crackers that could never be eaten at school, he would be 100% on board. I support entirely a school that is free of deadly food allergens. Live in the 21st century is a pain in the ass. You can't navigate easily and in your own canoe and without impacting the other canoes. And if that means that I have to make these adjustments, then I will. And I'll fight for any parent in my school who needs the support.

Ditto all that. And my DS would be the same way. Really, come on people, this is life in society. If you want to do it all your way then go live in a log cabin off the grid. We all have to make compromises for others when we live, interact, work and school with other.

Of course, me and my smart alec mouth might have said "And I didn't want my kid to be in class with a kid whose mom is intolerant of other's needs, but I guess neither of us gets our wish, right?"

malphy

08-18-2010, 09:00 PM

forget it

♥ms.pacman♥

08-18-2010, 09:03 PM

I know what you mean. Her comment about their lives now being miserable if her daughter can't have peanut butter also rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, I understand that it can present a very big challenge for them but I would be very grateful if I were her if that's the only reason her life is now miserable. My son (the one with the FA) struggles with generalized anxiety disorder and sensory issues and my younger son is currently in remission after undergoing two years of treatment for fourth-stage cancer. He also is still undergoing lots of physical therapy and speech therapy, and we've been told that his IQ will always suffer due to the radiation he received on his brain. Sorry that I'm unloading now but it was hard emotionally to hear her say that my son's presence in her daughter's class was now going to make their lives miserable. How I wish that my biggest problem right now was peanut butter...

:hug: that woman who made those comments was totally insensitive & selfish, to say the least. i think the most insulting part of her comment was the part about how "well, my allergist can easily cure it"...so she was basically imply how the parents of FA child were too dumb/lazy to figure out a solution to the allergy, and she (a parent of a non-FA child), was so smart & resourceful to figure it all out. :rolleye0014: um, yeah. the ignorance and the selfishness of those kind of comments is a little disturbing. i don't have an FA kid but i find it hard to believe that another mother would make such comments about another child. as PP said, she had to have known that there was a possibility of being overheard. i can't even imagine how hurt a child with FA would feel if he/she heard another mom complaining about how he/she was an "inconvenience" to be around. :(

TwinFoxes

08-18-2010, 09:11 PM

The fact of the matter is that we each live in our own worlds. We are thinking about ourselves and our problems. We do not pack our child's lunch and think about the impact of that lunch on another.

Who is this "we"? Other posters without FA kids have said they consciously never pack pb&j because they worry about FA kids. Not because they HAVE to, but because that's something they have decided to do. If you don't think about FA kids, fine. But don't say "we" like you're speaking for us all.

malphy

08-18-2010, 09:18 PM

forget it

codex57

08-18-2010, 09:20 PM

Who is this "we"? Other posters without FA kids have said they consciously never pack pb&j because they worry about FA kids. Not because they HAVE to, but because that's something they have decided to do. If you don't think about FA kids, fine. But don't say "we" like you're speaking for us all.

Some do, some don't. I get her point tho. It's a noble idea to always be aware of FA kids (or whatever the special case may be), but not something that everyone can accomplish. Be it unintentionally or intentionally.

niccig

08-18-2010, 09:22 PM

I think it is unrealistic to think that someone w/o a fa child is going to always remember that pb&j can be fatal to someone else. Or that a granola/snack/cereal bar has nuts in it or was made in a plant that also processes nuts. .

I think it is easy. Nuts are not not allowed at school. That seems pretty easy for me to remember. It's a school day, I'm packing lunch, PB&J is not allowed, so I don't make it.

I don't understand what is difficult about that, as it seems straightforward to me.

DS's school doesn't allow soda or candy in lunches, I don't pack that either.

g-mama

08-18-2010, 09:22 PM

The fact of the matter is that we each live in our own worlds. We are thinking about ourselves and our problems. We do not pack our child's lunch and think about the impact of that lunch on another. We do not live every minute of our lives thinking about its impact on others. There is nothing wrong with that, it is natural.

I think it is unrealistic to think that someone w/o a fa child is going to always remember that pb&j can be fatal to someone else. Or that a granola/snack/cereal bar has nuts in it or was made in a plant that also processes nuts.
There are no easy answers to this problem. And it is not, also, as simple as valuing one life over another.

Really? I don't think you have to worry about packing things processed in a factory that processes nuts - you just can't send that in as a snack for the class. Correct me if I'm wrong. So what you have to worry about not sending is peanut butter and things that contain nuts. I pack lunches that way every day x3 and it's not hard for me to remember - not hard at all. It's not like it's a big laundry list of things that are forbidden - just nuts. It's that simple.

Once you get it in your head that PB&J is not okay, you don't think about it as an option anymore. I could never forget. And if I sent it in anyway, my child would be mortified. My one ds made me put a little note in his lunchbox for 2 or 3 months when he was 4 so he could show his teacher that his sandwich was sunbutter, not peanut butter. Our preschool made this change several years ago and it was not difficult for me to make that change. Do you really believe you couldn't remember?

Ceepa

08-18-2010, 09:23 PM

I think it is easy. Nuts are not not allowed at school. That seems pretty easy for me to remember. It's a school day, I'm packing lunch, PB&J is not allowed, so I don't make it.

I don't understand what is difficult about that, as it seems straightforward to me.

DS's school doesn't allow soda or candy in lunches, I don't pack that either.

I think she means there are so many hidden nut traces in a variety of foods or cross-contamination in factories. So it's not just remember no peanut butter.

codex57

08-18-2010, 09:28 PM

Do you really believe you couldn't remember?

Sure. All she's saying is slipups happen. Much easier to have a slipup if your kid routinely eats peanut butter products. You cruise along, but one night, you're tired, you make the PB&J sandwich you always do and stick it in the lunchbox.

We're talking about a VERY common food item in this country. Plus, not every class has a kid with it. Those that do, some are more severe than others. Often, people lie about how severe it is. In any case, it's quite easy for a slipup to happen.

And yes, it's even easier to have a slipup if we're talking about cross contamination. Shoot, there are plenty of people who don't even realize that peanuts are in a lot of common items.

malphy

08-18-2010, 09:32 PM

I think she means there are so many hidden nut traces in a variety of foods or cross-contamination in factories. So it's not just remember no peanut butter.

Exactly! Thank you.

Maybe we should just remove the pb&j and just say allergic food, since it can be trace elements. Obviously you would have an easier time remembering not to pack a pb& j than another product that may have trace elemnts in them. And maybe the fa child in question is not allergic to pb&j but something else? I know several children that are allergice to the strangest things. I try to keep them in mind but who thinks about cherries as an allergen.

On the other hand, why bother posting a view that does not go with the grain? Who needs the aggravation?

JBaxter

08-18-2010, 09:33 PM

If it were the rule of school we would follow it. Its not so we are free to sent peanut/ nut containing products for lunch. Last year Nathan had a friend in class with a really bad gluten allergy. I brought a gluten free snack for birthday treat for him but muffins for everyone else. No one in his class has shared about nut allergies ( in fact of his play group there was one child in each of the 5 kindergarten classes last year) No one mentioned nut restrictions for the class room. Its a pretty big school 5 +classes each K-5.

Im not insensitive to food allergies but it's not made a big deal around here. I know of no nut free schools in the county.

TwinFoxes

08-18-2010, 09:33 PM

The "WE" that I am talking about are HUMANS.

This board does not represent the entire world and we do not live in a bubble. So while many of the posters here are like minded there are many on the "outside" who do not think likewise.

And there is no need to be snarky when someone is not and is actually being honest about an extremely touchy subject.

I think saying "some of us" would have been more appropriate than "we". I'm a human and don't feel the way you do.

I, too,was being honest. I honestly didn't know who "we" meant, since clearly not everyone feels the same. When I take a position, which I don't hesitate to do, I say ME, not we. But that's just me.

One person's snarky is another's honest.

I understand not everyone wants to deal with FAs. I understand that in the moment someone might say they don't know what their picky DC will eat and this will be a pain. But to grill the teacher about how life threatening the situation is, and to recommend some oddball 25 hour cure goes too far. I think that's wacky.

justlearning

08-18-2010, 09:40 PM

I think she means there are so many hidden nut traces in a variety of foods or cross-contamination in factories. So it's not just remember no peanut butter.

As I have stated already, kids can bring anything that's been manufactured on a plant that processes nuts--they just can't bring products with nuts as an actual ingredient.

And to respond to another poster, I don't rely on parents or other adults to keep my child safe. That's why he's been carefully trained to never eat unwrapped food given to him (except by our very close friends) and to always bring wrapped food/candy given to him home so I can double-check that it doesn't have nuts. In kindergarten and again in first grade, he was given goody bags that included candy with peanut butter (Reeses one time and Snickers another time) by a teacher--yes, a teacher! Fortunately, my son always follows my rules in this area, so I was able to catch the mistake when he got home without him eating the candy.

So, I feel like I am taking full responsibility for keeping my son safe. I send in all his snacks, I provide cupcakes in advance that they keep in the freezer so they can give that to him if someone brings in cupcakes for a birthday, and I send in his lunch every day. The reason why it's the school's policy to make the classroom nut-free if a child has a life-threatening allergy is for the reasons I've already stated in an earlier post--to avoid my son touching something that a child with peanut butter on their hands has touched and to avoid another child eating something with nuts than accidentally taking a bite of my son's food (without my son or the teacher seeing that). My son knows that he can't assume that everyone will always abide by the nut-free policy so he still follows our rules in that area--he will never take food handed to him by another child. So, we're not trusting the policy to protect him; it's just to reduce the likelihood that he could be exposed to nuts.

I truly am sorry that my son's condition makes other kids' and parents' lives miserable. I'm sorry that it adds stress to their already stressful lives. (As I've also referred to in another post, I understand what it's like to have a stressful life.) Fortunately, next year, DS will start eating in the cafeteria at a nut-free table so kids in his class can then bring in whatever they want for lunch (although still not for snacks). My son's not the one who decided that first and second graders eat their lunch in a circle on the floor inside the classrooms--his school did. I would hate to think that my son would not be allowed to attend school just so some parents wouldn't have to worry about remembering not to send in nuts or nut butters.

I think I'll stop posting my opinions now. . . It is interesting and helpful to read other perspectives on the situation and it has been informative to learn about what a central role peanut butter plays in some kids' lives. But I am sorry to see the argumentative tone that the thread has taken and regret opening up this can of worms--I apologize for starting such a divisive thread.

codex57

08-18-2010, 09:41 PM

On the other hand, why bother posting a view that does not go with the grain? Who needs the aggravation?

I do it cuz any grief I get doesn't aggravate me. I merely view it as a chance for two sides to get opposing views. If it's all one sided, there's no chance for a good discussion and better understanding of opposing views.

I say it cuz I'm naturally curious. It's my brain stimulation. My current job does not provide any of that. Apparently, I often have opposing views with the more vocal members so I know I'll always get some responses.

Before, I only responded when something really piqued my interest or I felt my particular viewpoint was being particularly trashed. Now, I feel a bit more obligated to write something in response cuz I've gotten PMs thanking me for speaking up from those who didn't want to deal with the "aggravation" or being the "minority" voice.

DrSally

08-18-2010, 09:46 PM

What if you replaced "kid with a nut allergy" with "kid with cerebral palsy?" Or "kid with a missing limb?" Then would it be offensive? Where's the line we draw? .......I don't say things like "I don't want an FA kid in my son's class this year," cuz it's just plain intolerant.

Precisely. Thank you.

TwinFoxes

08-18-2010, 09:49 PM

I do it cuz any grief I get doesn't aggravate me. I merely view it as a chance for two sides to get opposing views. If it's all one sided, there's no chance for a good discussion and better understanding of opposing views.

I say it cuz I'm naturally curious. It's my brain stimulation. My current job does not provide any of that. Apparently, I often have opposing views with the more vocal members so I know I'll always get some responses.

Before, I only responded when something really piqued my interest or I felt my particular viewpoint was being particularly trashed. Now, I feel a bit more obligated to write something in response cuz I've gotten PMs thanking me for speaking up from those who didn't want to deal with the "aggravation" or being the "minority" voice.

Codex, it's funny, because 1/2 the time when I read your posts I think "what is he smoking" and the other 1/2 I'm doing :yeahthat:

So keep posting. :)

malphy

08-18-2010, 09:50 PM

snipped for brevity

I truly am sorry that my son's condition makes other kids' and parents' lives miserable. I'm sorry that it adds stress to their already stressful lives. (As I've also referred to in another post, I understand what it's like to have a stressful life.)

I am sorry you and your son have to deal with this.

I stated that I abide by food bans but I am not always happy about it. That is the truth. But that doesn't mean that I do not like the person w/fa or take it out on them.

I didn't mean to imply that you were adding more stress to my life but that my own life's stresses may cause me to lapse and inadvertantly harm a child. I would feel awful to cause harm to any child.

niccig

08-18-2010, 09:53 PM

I think she means there are so many hidden nut traces in a variety of foods or cross-contamination in factories. So it's not just remember no peanut butter.

Here it is Peanut butter and nuts...it's not trace elements. My friend with the child with severe allergies can not give him trace elements to eat, but he can sit beside someone that's eating trace elements. The peanut butter is the main one as it's sticky and difficult to clean off a table for eg.

DS was in class last year with a girl with peanut allergies and again this year. It's not like it's a random stranger at the zoo that has an allergy that I have to remember to not pack peanut butter. It's someone that he knows and will be in the class for 10 months.

The teachers also check lunches, so if you did slip up and forgot and sent a PB&J, they would hopefully catch it.

And possibility of slipping up doesn't mean you don't try. I think FA parents know that mistakes can happen, but it's trying to do the right thing, and not dismissing or arguing with the parent of the necessity of being careful with nut items.

Ceepa

08-18-2010, 09:54 PM

As I have stated already, kids can bring anything that's been manufactured on a plant that processes nuts--they just can't bring products with nuts as an actual ingredient.

I think this part of the thread has spun into the general FA discussion territory so I wasn't directly addressing your situation.

codex57

08-18-2010, 09:56 PM

Codex, it's funny, because 1/2 the time when I read your posts I think "what is he smoking" and the other 1/2 I'm doing :yeahthat:

So keep posting. :)

Confuses the hell out of me too. After one thread, I'll think so and so must hate my guts. Few days later, another thread pops up and to my shock, they're agreeing with me. I'm not trying to cause controversy or be a contrarian, I swear! :D

bubbaray

08-18-2010, 09:59 PM

I also don't see anything wrong with asking about the severity of a FA.

For starters, as PPs have said, my child's medical information is private. I disclose it to the school and they disseminate the information as appropriate in order to avoid reactions. But, I do NOT have to enter into discussions about the severity of my childs' MEDICAL conditions with anyone other than their physicians.

But, most importantly, "severity" of FAs is a mythical beast. A true anaphylactic FA (a true allergy, as opposed to a sensitivity) can be severe one time, mild the next, then fatal. There is no predictability. Just because someone has had mild reactions in the past doesn't mean that their next exposure won't be fatal.

EpiPens and other "rescue" measures don't always work. Sometimes, people die from anaphylaxis, regardless of what medical treatment they get. The only true treatment for anaphylaxis is to avoid the allergen, period.

bubbaray

08-18-2010, 10:00 PM

And possibility of slipping up doesn't mean you don't try. I think FA parents know that mistakes can happen, but it's trying to do the right thing, and not dismissing or arguing with the parent of the necessity of being careful with nut items.

Precisely. Thank you. :thumbsup:

DrSally

08-18-2010, 10:01 PM

Here it is Peanut butter and nuts...it's not trace elements. My friend with the child with severe allergies can not give him trace elements to eat, but he can sit beside someone that's eating trace elements. The peanut butter is the main one as it's sticky and difficult to clean off a table for eg.

:yeahthat:
I don't worry about someone eating something that's made in a shared facility next to DS. He knows not to eat other people's food. It's the sitting next to someone eating a PB sandwich that freaks me out and sends me over the edge.

Also, Codex, I have no idea why someone would lie about the severity of their peanut allergy, and I don't think it's a common occurence. In addition, esp. with peanuts, a past reaction doesn't predict future reactions--the first one may be hives and the next one may be anaphalaxis. If you're allergic, your allergic and need to practice strict avoidance, so asking about "severity" is a mute point. And, I agree with pp's that it's intrusive and a direct challenge to the school's decision to ban peanuts in that class.

bubbaray

08-18-2010, 10:04 PM

In most of our experience, DD1's classmates have been outstanding.

In our experience, the children are NOT the problem. The PARENTS are the problem. We have had many many years of experience with FAs in both daycare and school settings and, trust me, the kids are not the problem. They totally get it and don't need reminders.

The parents, not so much.

WolfpackMom

08-18-2010, 10:08 PM

In addition, esp. with peanuts, a past reaction doesn't predict future reactions--the first one may be hives and the next one may be anaphalaxis. If you're allergic, your allergic and need to practice strict avoidance, so asking about "severity" is a mute point. And, I agree with pp's that it's intrusive and a direct challenge to the school's decision to ban peanuts in that class.

I think the way this woman asked was inappropriate and to ask in a way that challenges someones well being is rude. BUT I can certainly see how someone without direct experience with FA might ask this kind of question because they truely don't know how severe a reaction might be. While maybe not in this case, I can see how someone might ask that without meaning any ill will or rudeness.

Fairy

08-18-2010, 10:23 PM

Codex, it's funny, because 1/2 the time when I read your posts I think "what is he smoking" and the other 1/2 I'm doing :yeahthat:

So keep posting. :)

I know. He's interesting like that, isn't he?

Fairy

08-18-2010, 10:25 PM

EpiPens and other "rescue" measures don't always work. Sometimes, people die from anaphylaxis, regardless of what medical treatment they get. The only true treatment for anaphylaxis is to avoid the allergen, period.

And, see, now I didn't even know this. Wow.

MartiesMom2B

08-18-2010, 10:31 PM

No one said that.

I'm not going to fight over this but in post #6 stated the mom was blamed for her child's pickiness and #21 said " DH said to keep in mind there may be alot of people who can't afford much more than pb sandwiches, true but the majority I think are just lazy. "

Look, the lady who made the comments in the OP's class was way out of line. It's none of her business how allergic a child is and the comment about her allergist was wacky. When my kids are in nut free rooms, I don't question it. I pack snacks/lunches that are nut free. When I have to bring in a shared snack, I ask if it can be something that can be made at a place that processes nut or just nut free. However to be called lazy because I pack a pb&j for my picky eater is just as out of line as the ranting lady in OP.

TwinFoxes

08-18-2010, 10:52 PM

But, most importantly, "severity" of FAs is a mythical beast. A true anaphylactic FA (a true allergy, as opposed to a sensitivity) can be severe one time, mild the next, then fatal. There is no predictability. Just because someone has had mild reactions in the past doesn't mean that their next exposure won't be fatal.

I learned this from you on another post. So at least one mom has been educated here by you. :thumbsup:

bubbaray

08-18-2010, 11:14 PM

However to be called lazy because I pack a pb&j for my picky eater is just as out of line as the ranting lady in OP.

Hmmm, I get what you're saying but I don't agree that being upset because some one is putting a child's life at risk is on the same level as trading insults between adults.

bubbaray

08-18-2010, 11:16 PM

And, see, now I didn't even know this. Wow.

Yeah. Fun times. Not.

That is one of the reasons why any time an EpiPen is administered, you must call 911 ASAP. Tell the operator that an EpiPen has been administered and they will send people lights and sirens, even if you say "oh, patient looks fine now". Until the patient is in the hospital and has been given prednisone (to prevent a biphasic reaction), all bets are off.

MamaSnoo

08-18-2010, 11:39 PM

This thread has generated a lot of discussion and had me thinking.

DD goes to a daycare which nut free. This has never really bothered me, and in a way, I like that she is forced a little to branch out at lunch there. We do some PB and J at home, and she is not overly picky, but I could see myself getting into a rut if I 1)had to pack her lunch and 2)was allowed to do nuts.

As she has gotten older, I think the school policy is nice because as long as I follow it, I do not have to worry as much about being the cause of another child's potentially lifethreatening event. The school has taken that off the table for me. I actually like it! :D

I also thought about it from the perspective of the school admin. Nut and peanut allergies are among the more common and potentially more dangerous FAs, in addition to being potentially airborne offenders. Just because a given child has not reacted before does not mean that they will not react on re-exposure. Ultimately, we do not know which kids will have a FA, specifically a nut allergy, at some point in time. I think it makes total sense to have school wide bans on nuts and peanuts. They are really not necessary parts of school, and if a child (known FA or not previously known FA) has an anaphylatic reaction at school that is a big deal for the affected kid (not to mention a PITA for the school staff) and very stressful for the other students who may see the reaction or see/hear the ambulance.

So, while most of my opinions are very oriented to choice and liberties, this is one area that I do not see it. Also, the classroom specific decisions make less sense to me than having a school wide policy because:
1) Things may change year to year, making it harder for parents to know the rules for a given class in a given year and more likely to mess up/forget when things change year to year.
2) It seems unfair to me to ban PB, etc from one room, but not the one next door. Banning it across the board treats everyone equally.
3) Who knows which kid might react in the future--what good did it do to ban nuts in Ms Smith's class because Johnny is allergic if Susie from Ms Anderson's class has a reaction for the first time at school?

Anyway, I know opinions on this are widely varied, but that is what I think.

And, BTW, the comments overheard by the OP were really rude and insensitive regardless of the policy of her school.

crl

08-19-2010, 12:28 AM

I really appreciate the posts from FA parents on this board. My kid has mild FA and I always feel like I learn so much here on this topic.

I honestly can't imagine how terrifying it must be to send a child with severe food allergies out into the world. I happily do what I can to minimize risk. I even wash my kid's shoes and jacket after he eats peanuts at the ballgame because he has two peanut allergic kids in his after school care.

I'm sorry that not everyone gets it. Really sorry. I think it must feel awful to have to struggle so much with other parents over something that might kill your child.

Catherine

AshleyAnn

08-19-2010, 12:33 AM

gordo

08-19-2010, 09:59 PM

Sorry you overheard that conversation. The woman certainly did sound a little nutso with her allergist comment! I don't really have a problem with a school being nut-free and always follow the rules of the school. however, DD is starting Kindergarten and I do have an issue with how her school handles it because of lack of consistency. Peanut products are allowed for lunch at her school and at their extended day program. However, nuts, anything containing nuts or anything processed in a facility with nuts is not allowed for "snack, field trips, classroom celebrations or times when lunch is eaten in the classroom." I just think this is asking for trouble. It really should be one or the other - either nuts are ok or they aren't.