Need advice regarding my mother and her loser boyfriend

[arivecchi]

So my mom is almost 60 and scared of being by herself. She is a bit of a doormat when it comes to men. Will not stand to them. Enter loser boyfriend (LB). They have been dating a really long time now. My mom does really well by herself and has her own house, a nice car and a great pension once she retires. For whatever reason, she thought it was a good idea to pay half of LB's mortgage. She is a co-owner so legally protected but makes little sense to me besides helping him because he is such a loser and could not afford a place on his own.

My younger sister and brother live at home. They have never finished college and my mom is really frustrated that they have not become independent yet. They both deal with issues (one is bipolar one has serious anxiety issues) that make it difficult for them to find leave the house at this point in time. They both adore my mom and love to hang out with her.

My mom has always made it very clear to us that LB comes first. Even when I visit with my kids she will not deviate from her "schedule" with him on weekends and would rather spend time with LB than myself and the boys. I've had some massive blow-ups with her over this.

The latest is that LB and my brother got into an argument yesterday. I will spare you the details but LB was totally in the wrong. My brother left so that things would cool down. When he returned, he overheard LB telling my mom that she should kick my brother out and have him find a job. Mind you this is coming from the LB who cannot even support himself. IMO, he is only with my mom for the financial stability and is a leech. If he really cared, he would at least try to get along with us and would not meddle so much.

I am tempted to tell my brother to tell LB off. I am also inclined to tell my mom that she needs to dump LB ASAP. I just cannot understand what he brings to the table and he is not family.

Anyway, I need other perspectives before I give advice to my brother. I don't understand why my mom cannot be happy by herself and dump this loser. Thanks.

[bubbaray]

Well, probably not what you want to hear, but your mom is an adult and entitled to make her own choices -- for better or worse. You may not like her choices, you may not agree with them, but chances are you will not be able to change her or get her to make different choices.

I'd just stay out of it.

[AnnieW625]

Well, probably not what you want to hear, but your mom is an adult and entitled to make her own choices -- for better or worse. You may not like her choices, you may not agree with them, but chances are you will not be able to change her or get her to make different choices.

I'd just stay out of it.

:yeahthat: as someone who is about to go to the bitching post and post a family bitch, it's best just to stay out of things.

[crl]

What do you hope to accomplish? I don't see how advising your brother to confront the boyfriend will result in anything positive.

I would either help brother and or sister find different living arrangements (not funding it, but help organize it) if that's what they wanted or I would stay out of it entirely.

Catherine

[arivecchi]

Thanks for the impartial advice. I hate the guy's guts and think he is taking advantage of my mom, so I would just find a way to push him away. But I am so extreme about these things....

[Fairy]

I know how difficult it must be to watch your mother being used and taken advantage of. I would want to do soemthing, I really would. I think this is way easier said than done, so if I were in your position, I don't know that I could take it as well as I could dish it. But from an objective position, I have found that when it comes to "love," it truly is blind, and often the fear of being alone is very powerful. Like with friends, when they're with someone really awful for them, if you try to tell them, they'll drop you like a hot potato if you try to tell them that their love is no good. And suddenly, you're friend has broken up with you instead of the boy. It truly sucks that your mother won't put you and your boys ahead of LB when you visit, cuz it's not like she sess you often. But I think the best thing to do in this situation is let your mother do what she's gonna do and encourage your brother and sister get themselves out of the situation. And if they refuse, then I think they're responsible for their own angst.

I'm really sorry it's like this for you.

[niccig]

But from an objective position, I have found that when it comes to "love," it truly is blind, and often the fear of being alone is very powerful. .

I agree with Fairy. I would also add that you can think somehow is a strong person and wonder why the heck they're putting with x situation. Reality is, they're not as strong as you think they are and it's easier to put up with x than to do something about it.

I'm sorry.

[mommylamb]

Oh yuck, that's a crappy situation to be in and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it. I agree with the others though because I don't think there's much that your intervening with your mother would accomplish. I'm guessing she has already heard from you about your take on LB. It's probably in your brother and sister's best interest to find a way to get out if it's possible, so they can do it on their terms before your mother forces the issue. hugs.

[BabyMine]

My MIL does this with her own LB and it's really sad. She is missing out on her grandchildren but she made the choice to put LB first. LB is currently trying to break SIL and her DH apart and is using MIL to do it. We limit our visits with her and LB becasue we don't want to be around some of LB's behavior flaws and also becasue MIL changes her personality when he is around. I'm the type of person that when I see an injustice I step in and try to fix it, unfortunately it can't always be done.

:hug: It has to be hard watching your Mom being treated like this but she has made her choices like it or not. The more you try and push them apart the more they are going to stick together. Maybe one day she will see him for what he is but she has to make that decision. Just think if the situation was reversed and your Mom was telling you to end your relationship with the person you love.

[TwinFoxes]

This sucks. :hug: I'm afraid if your brother confronts LB, he'll find himself out on the street. Your mom has mad her choice, sadly. :(

One thing I really hope to instill in my girls is the ability to know that alone doesn't mean lonely, and that having no boyfriend is better than having a loser boyfriend.

[MontrealMum]

:grouphug: My mom has made some really stupid choices in the "love" department out of her fear of being alone and lack of self confidence as well. It sucks, but I don't know that there's much that you can do that's going to have a positive effect. I have to agree with everyone else that you're better off putting more energy into trying to support your siblings, and potentially helping them to find new living arrangements.

[arivecchi]

Thanks all. My mom won't kick my brother out. What is crazy is that she will let this guy dictate to her what she can or cannot do with her kids and she will not ever take our side. It's a complicated messed-up dynamic. I am kinds glad they live there because otherwise this guy would have taken over by now.

Sucks that my mom has no spine whatsover.

He is so lucky I don't live in the same country because I am fairly certain I would have scared him away. I am a total hothead when people mess with me or my family.

[sste]

I have a really hard time just watching this kind of thing too. It is SO frustrating. And worrisome when your mom essentially has a lot of responsibility for your siblings and LB is getting in the way of that.

Not with my parents, but in my extended IL family there was a living together and then marriage of a man everyone found totally objectionable and couldn't stand. What happened was that people didn't say anything negative to the relative who had married the loser BUT they refused to visit and share living space with the loser and instead made alternative plans for getting together and explicitly said they weren't comfortable with the loser there. Even for holiday gatherings. It is hard to explain but they just tried as best they could to pretend this person didn't exist and to have zero contact with him. It actually worked fairly well. HTH!