View Full Version : DH is canceling our vacation
I don't think he ever really wanted to go! We fought about vacation last year - he didn't want to go visit my brother's family (and their new baby!). I just wanted to be decisive and go somewhere and do something, and what I wanted to do most was see my first nephew when he was still a baby! We agreed that he could make the plans for this summer.
So, this year we finally agreed on a week (this coming week) we could both take off, though it took us until July to do so. He never made plans for where he wanted to go. No plans, hotel reservations, no arrangements for our dog, nothing. I suggested driving to see my parents, who live in a large metropolitan area with lots of stuff to see and do, and lots of old friends nearby. My parents are in the process of moving, so this might be one of our last chances. He doesn't like this idea, but wouldn't make other plans. He did tell our daycare that the kids wouldn't be there next week because we'd be on vacation.
Today he told me that he has to work.
I am really really angry.
arivecchi
08-20-2010, 10:44 PM
Can you go visit your parents without him? Go and have fun.
I would like to, but it would be an 8-10 hour drive (each way) with a 5 year old and a 21 month old. I'm not sure I can handle it.
Andi98989
08-20-2010, 10:49 PM
Can you go visit your parents without him? Go and have fun.
:yeahthat: If he wants to cancel his vacation, that's one thing - but you don't need to cancel yours. Go and enjoy the city with your kids!
ETA: if you can't go all the way to see your parents, can you meet them halfway? Or go somewhere else for a night or two with the kids?
ETA: if you can't go all the way to see your parents, can you meet them halfway? Or go somewhere else for a night or two with the kids?
Mom is working that week, so I can't meet them halfway. Also, we've seen them recently and the most compelling reasons to visit them is to see the DC sights, see some old friends, and to get more of my stuff out of their house before they put it on the market.
I'll have to take the dog with me as well, because DH might need to travel for work. I don't think I can walk the dog at a rest stop while keeping track of the toddler and managing likely drama of some sort from DD.
DH already skipped a 2-day family vacation with us earlier this summer, with similar excuses.
I'd love to take DD with me and go somewhere fun for an overnight or two.
wellyes
08-21-2010, 12:36 AM
Does he actually have to work, as in there is a big crisis he has to be there for?
Otherwise it sounds like he's being really selfish and childish. Vacations to visit the in-laws aren't always the most fun, so what, suck it up buddy, it is part of the package of being a husband and father.
mom2binsd
08-21-2010, 12:44 AM
I'd go yourself...I just drove by myself with our 4 and 7 year olds, it's about 600 miles each way. I did about 8-9 hours each day, it's totally doable.
I'd think your parents would love to see you and their grandkids, and leaving him on his own will make him think twice about this!
OKKiddo
08-21-2010, 12:50 AM
I would like to, but it would be an 8-10 hour drive (each way) with a 5 year old and a 21 month old. I'm not sure I can handle it.
I've driven 8 hours with my kiddos to go see my parents by myself before. My kiddos ages on the first visit were 2y and the other was 8 months. On the other visits it was almost 2.5y and 1y. Final visits were with a 3yo and 18mo.
It's totally doable, especially since I did it with one dog in tow too, lol! I'm not going to say it's super easy, because you do have to juggle the kiddos a little with the dogs needs. But I didn't have a choice on help from my husband because he was deployed to Iraq for that year. You adapt and get stronger with each new challenge, but how many times Pre children did you ever think you couldn't do some of the things you do right now? You're stronger than you think you are! :)
DebbieJ
08-21-2010, 12:53 AM
Maybe he doesn't think that driving to see family is a vacation. I know I sure don't.
California
08-21-2010, 01:02 AM
Definitely sounds like he never really wanted to go, since he let the ball drop in every area-- dog, hotel rooms, etc. Passive aggressive is always such a PITA to deal with. If you stay home with the kiddos you'll be joining many Americans in a "stay-cation," right? Just think of yourself as trendy :)
Just as an FYI, it sounds like you're iffy on going to see your parents. Just know that it can be done. We did a ton of driving with the kids this summer to see family and some of it I did without DH (with three kids, the youngest being 1 1/2). By splitting up the drive we actually had a blast on the long driving days. Got up very early, drove for four hours, spent the day at a fun spot along the way, then got back in the car and drove the next four hours. The kids handled it really well. I put together a lunch box of snacks for each child, multiple sippy cups, and a box of activities with the rule that they could pick a new snack or activity every half hour (but not all at once.) My five year old was able to manage her snacks and activities and to give the baby hers. It was, obviously, a lot easier when my DH was with us so I could help entertain the baby. But-- we survived it without him too!
mommy111
08-21-2010, 01:42 AM
Can you fly? Since you were otherwise planning on a vacation with week long hotel reservations etc that you will now not need, I would think you could use the $$ to get airplane tickets for you and 1 DC and take the other as a lap child.
niccig
08-21-2010, 02:03 AM
I would go, just me the kids and the dog. If he's being so difficult, then he can stay at home and work, and you can still go and have fun. I would most definitely go if this is the only vacation time you're going to have this year.
I would be angry too, as it sounds like he had no plans to go on the vacation he agreed to. We do a lot of traveling to visit family, but it's part of the deal of having a family, not all vacations are going to be fun, jetting off to somewhere exotic. And if he did want to go somewhere other than visiting family, he needed to organize it!!
If you stay home with the kiddos you'll be joining many Americans in a "stay-cation," right? Just think of yourself as trendy :)
I am a bit of a workaholic myself. I'm already frustrated by the important meetings I'll be missing next week. We're paying for the kids daycare - for DS we have to pay whether or not he is there, for DD we didn't have our act together in May to when we signed her up for the summer. I can't stay here!
Maybe he doesn't think that driving to see family is a vacation. I know I sure don't.
I completely agree. It was my idea last weekend when he still hadn't made ANY plans. I really hoped that if he didn't like it, it would spur him into planning action!
If not, we'd have something reasonable to do. My parents just bought a house halfway across the country - completely out of the blue - so it would be one of our last opportunities to visit them driving.
TwinFoxes
08-21-2010, 06:30 AM
His behavior sounds really passive aggressive. :irked: But I don't know your DH...is it possible he's a last minute planner and would have pulled off the trip planning in a few days, but now he really DOES have to work, and it makes him look bad?
If this is a pattern, or you know your DH and there's no way he would have put off planning a trip he wanted to go on, and you think the work excuse is made up or exaggerated, I think you have every right to be upset. But the question becomes do you sit around for a week and probably get into an argument with DH because you're mad at him. Or do you go off and have fun, or at least try to? I think I'd try really hard to get out of town. It seems like you have the money budgeted, could you maybe fly like another poster suggested, maybe toward the end of the week, so you could see your parents on the weekend? There's just no way I'd take one week off work, and then be stuck at home.
I really hope you get a vacation at some point!! :hug:
I've driven 8 hours with my kiddos to go see my parents by myself before. My kiddos ages on the first visit were 2y and the other was 8 months. On the other visits it was almost 2.5y and 1y. Final visits were with a 3yo and 18mo.
It's totally doable, especially since I did it with one dog in tow too, lol! I'm not going to say it's super easy, because you do have to juggle the kiddos a little with the dogs needs. But I didn't have a choice on help from my husband because he was deployed to Iraq for that year. You adapt and get stronger with each new challenge, but how many times Pre children did you ever think you couldn't do some of the things you do right now? You're stronger than you think you are! :)
Wow! I am really impressed! I am having trouble this month just getting the kids in and out of the car for the short trip to daycare.
DS is in a major running off phase, and I feel like I have to be ready to strong arm him and keep him out of trouble every second he is not physically buckled into his car seat! This includes within the car itself. The second I unbuckle him, he goes to either sit in DD's booster, sit in the drivers seat, or explore the back of the minivan - and he won't get out in his own - I have to physically grab him and quickly close the door. And then deal with a screaming fist pounding tantrum in the parking lot.
Sorry about your DH bailing out on you. His excuse of "it will ruin my relationship with my boss" is really lame (saw that from your post in another thread). This really leaves you in a sucky spot. All I can say is, go some where and try to have fun. I know that not having another parent to share the burden is really hard, but please try to figure something out. You will feel really resentful if stay home.
Would he be willing to go somewhere for a few nights, instead of a whole week? Could you take a plane to get to your parents?
Oh and leave him with the dog. And an empty fridge.
Take the kids, a harness, a stroller and leave the dog at home. Bring kids music, dvds for the car (if you use them) and pack plenty of snacks, wipes, and books. You can do it! Go and have a good time :)
egoldber
08-21-2010, 08:51 AM
Since DH is staying home I would leave the dog and go to your parents.
npace19147
08-21-2010, 09:32 AM
Why don't you let DH go to work, have the kids go to daycare for one or two days out of the week, and take yourself to the spa? Time to yourself solo...sounds like a vacation to me!
wellyes
08-21-2010, 11:07 AM
While I'm with those who say "go on your own, you can do it!" but ...
. If he's being so difficult, then he can stay at home and work, and you can still go and have fun. I would most definitely go if this is the only vacation time you're going to have this year.
If I were to go off for a week with both kids without my DH, he would not exactly view it as punishment. He'd love it. A week off from being a dad? All that uninterrupted time in the evenings to goof off, get house projects done, go to the gym. And videogames. Lots and lots of videogames. Sleep in on the weekend. PLUS missing a visit with the in-laws would be fine by him too. That'd be what'd chafe me about going without him because he bailed last minute.
He will owe you one, big time.
rkold
08-21-2010, 11:07 AM
I'd leave the dog with DH and think about where you would like to go most and take the kids and go. You'd be surprised how much you can plan and arrange on short notice. There are always lots of last minute travel specials if you want to do something more exotic than driving to see your parents. And if you decide to visit you parents, break the trip up since you have a week and look for someplace interesting/something interesting around midway between you to stay overnight.
I adore my DH but he hates to travel. I don't let that stop me from going places I want to go and you shouldn't let yours keep you from a vacation as well.
MomToOne
08-21-2010, 11:37 AM
Totally agree with wellyes. Not only is traveling with kids *not* a vacation in the slightest (for me) but DH gets the best of both worlds: he gets to stay at work which is what he wants to do but come home to an empty house and relax every night. Empty fridge? Um ok takeout all week!
I'm done with this. DH can't even get his act together to talk to his boss. I may spend next week figuring out how to go about a separation/divorce. Vacation was a horrible nasty fight last year. This year is even worse. And I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
TwinFoxes
08-21-2010, 01:21 PM
I'm done with this. DH can't even get his act together to talk to his boss. I may spend next week figuring out how to go about a separation/divorce. Vacation was a horrible nasty fight last year. This year is even worse. And I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
Oh dear! Many hugs :hug:
I'm done with this. DH can't even get his act together to talk to his boss. I may spend next week figuring out how to go about a separation/divorce. Vacation was a horrible nasty fight last year. This year is even worse. And I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
ncat, sorry to hear this. :hug:
California
08-21-2010, 02:28 PM
Oooooohhhhh, I know exactly what I would do in your shoes!!!
Find a nice local resort hotel with a fun pool. Book it.
THEN... keep the kids in childcare for 50-75% of the time. While they are in childcare, you lounge by the pool, read magazines, meet a girlfriend for lunch, go for long hikes, whatever floats your boat. Manicure, pedicure.... aaahhh.
When you have the kids, you'll be rested so it'll be much more fun. Go see whatever local sights together if you want to. Or, play in the pool (life vests make this doable with little ones.) Order room service. Take a bubble bath together. Watch a silly movie, wear PJs for hours. Your kids will love it.
One day keep the baby in childcare and treat your five year old to a "just us" day. She's at the perfect age for that. And how often do you get to devote time just to her? The next day keep the baby out and have a "just us" day with him doing toddler stuff the five year old is a little too old for.
That is what I would do in your shoes. The hotel will be the only big expense, and you'll have built in childcare so you can get some R&R too. You'll be close enough that the dog isn't an issue-- you can stop over if you need to if DH leaves town. And, if you forgot anything at home you can just go get it.
After that week you'll be better rested, happier and whole and in a place to start thinking about what steps you want to make next.
Smillow
08-21-2010, 02:46 PM
Oooooohhhhh, I know exactly what I would do in your shoes!!!
Find a nice local resort hotel with a fun pool. Book it.
THEN... keep the kids in childcare for 50-75% of the time. While they are in childcare, you lounge by the pool, read magazines, meet a girlfriend for lunch, go for long hikes, whatever floats your boat. Manicure, pedicure.... aaahhh.
When you have the kids, you'll be rested so it'll be much more fun. Go see whatever local sights together if you want to. Or, play in the pool (life vests make this doable with little ones.) Order room service. Take a bubble bath together. Watch a silly movie, wear PJs for hours. Your kids will love it.
One day keep the baby in childcare and treat your five year old to a "just us" day. She's at the perfect age for that. And how often do you get to devote time just to her? The next day keep the baby out and have a "just us" day with him doing toddler stuff the five year old is a little too old for.
That is what I would do in your shoes. The hotel will be the only big expense, and you'll have built in childcare so you can get some R&R too. You'll be close enough that the dog isn't an issue-- you can stop over if you need to if DH leaves town. And, if you forgot anything at home you can just go get it.
After that week you'll be better rested, happier and whole and in a place to start thinking about what steps you want to make next.
:yeahthat: Except I would be tempted to let DH carry the kids back & forth to daycare & let him spend some quality Daddy time with them for a couple of days & have some time to myself!
squimp
08-21-2010, 05:58 PM
Go somewhere by yourself. Let him deal with the fact that he didn't take time off.
niccig
08-21-2010, 06:24 PM
Oooooohhhhh, I know exactly what I would do in your shoes!!!
Find a nice local resort hotel with a fun pool. Book it.
THEN... keep the kids in childcare for 50-75% of the time. While they are in childcare, you lounge by the pool, read magazines, meet a girlfriend for lunch, go for long hikes, whatever floats your boat. Manicure, pedicure.... aaahhh.
When you have the kids, you'll be rested so it'll be much more fun. Go see whatever local sights together if you want to. Or, play in the pool (life vests make this doable with little ones.) Order room service. Take a bubble bath together. Watch a silly movie, wear PJs for hours. Your kids will love it.
One day keep the baby in childcare and treat your five year old to a "just us" day. She's at the perfect age for that. And how often do you get to devote time just to her? The next day keep the baby out and have a "just us" day with him doing toddler stuff the five year old is a little too old for.
That is what I would do in your shoes. The hotel will be the only big expense, and you'll have built in childcare so you can get some R&R too. You'll be close enough that the dog isn't an issue-- you can stop over if you need to if DH leaves town. And, if you forgot anything at home you can just go get it.
After that week you'll be better rested, happier and whole and in a place to start thinking about what steps you want to make next.
This is a winner...I think this is a great idea. You and the kids still get a fun vacation and there's no driving to do.
niccig
08-21-2010, 06:27 PM
I'm done with this. DH can't even get his act together to talk to his boss. I may spend next week figuring out how to go about a separation/divorce. Vacation was a horrible nasty fight last year. This year is even worse. And I'm done. Done. Done. Done.
Oh..I'm sorry this is proving to be such a difficult situation for your family. I don't know the full story, so I don't understand why your DH is dragging is feet. I do know that when I procrastinate and don't do something it's because I'm either worried I can't do it, or I do not want to do it at all, so I don't do what is needed. I wonder if there is a bigger problem behind all of this, is he stressed about work or something else and the idea of vacation planning is just one thing too much to handle??
I hope you can work through this.
SnuggleBuggles
08-21-2010, 07:32 PM
I wonder if you could just take over the complete vacation planning rather than ask him to do it. What would he do if you had booked the plane, hotel, took care of the kennel and childcare...and all he had to was call off from work? I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you just let him be in charge since he just doesn't seem to be on the same page as you. I'm bossy though. :)
I hope things get worked out for you.
Beth
MomToOne
08-21-2010, 08:25 PM
Find a nice local resort hotel with a fun pool. Book it.
THEN... keep the kids in childcare for 50-75% of the time. While they are in childcare, you lounge by the pool, read magazines, meet a girlfriend for lunch, go for long hikes, whatever floats your boat. Manicure, pedicure.... aaahhh.
The problem with these kinds of plans for me is who does the drudgery? Who washes the bottles, does the laundry, make dinner? Doesn't that pile up to the end of the day and make life harder? That's always my issue, even when I get a couple of hours of someone babysitting my DD, it's not like I can really relax and act like I don't have a kid, I always have to keep thinking ahead to make sure the day is running smoothly for DD at least, but also for me.
Also it seems like OP clearly said that she *wants* to go to her parents for several reasons. She is in a real tough spot because she is basically at the mercy of her husband now saying yes or no. Not going is going to suck, going alone is going to suck as well.
So OP: :hug:
gatorsmom
08-21-2010, 08:54 PM
I wonder if you could just take over the complete vacation planning rather than ask him to do it. What would he do if you had booked the plane, hotel, took care of the kennel and childcare...and all he had to was call off from work? I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you just let him be in charge since he just doesn't seem to be on the same page as you. I'm bossy though. :)
I hope things get worked out for you.
Beth
:yeahthat: I learned the hard way that my DH will drag his feet when there are things he doesn't like to do. For example, my DH hates to go camping. I LOVE it. But if I ask him to help make preparations, it never gets done. Arguing and yelling about it doesn't help at all. So, I do it all. I wash and pack all our bedding, towels, and clothes- including his. I shop for, buy and prepare our groceries, and pack them in coolers. I plan activities for the kids, gas up the truck and pack it all in. I even mark it on our calendar(so it shows up on his cell phone and an alarm rings to make him notice it) that it's time for him to leave the office because we are going camping. He's responsible for some of the heavy stuff and then basically amusing himself all weekend. It's a lot of work but that's what I have to do to go camping. imo, it's worth it.
DH is the same way. He loves waterskiing. I could live without it. So, if he wants to go he does EVERYTHING. Gases up the boat, keeps it clean, makes sure all the kids' life vests fit, loads and unloads everything we need, etc. The only thing I do is help walk the kids onto the boat and supervise when we are on it. that's it.
I love California's idea of vacationing in town. It's unfortunate that you can't see your parents, but if you really need a break, this sounds like a great way to do it. If you are worried about the dishes, pretend you are on vacation- use paper plates for the week! Or, better yet, if you were on vacation, you would eat out, so maybe you need to do that in town! :D And laundry would pile up whether you were away on vacation or not so that wouldn't be much different.
:grouphug: Hope you can figure something out that brings your family some peace.
Thanks mamas for all of the ideas and good wishes!
DH finally DID call up his boss. :bighand: Who said that he can/should go on his vacation! So, now we just have to decide where to go and get organized, since we spent the last 24 hours bitching about DH's work and at each other rather than doing laundry and packing. And deciding where to go.
I'm still upset that loud screaming fights where divorce is threatened have to precede vacation planning. But hoping for a nice week of family time. Somewhere with the dog.
kijip
08-22-2010, 12:51 AM
This does not sound like the problem, it sounds like a symptom. My husband procrastinated on putting in for time off and did not get it, thus changing two trips we'd planned and forcing me to find time off later this summer for a family vacation- with my work schedule in September it was not an easy find. It was a big old PITA and I was streamed but it did not result in threats on either side of divorce. I think going on this trip with out working on the underlying issue, whatever it is, is a recipe for roadside fights on the way and guest bedroom fights at your destination.
Thanks. This is what happened last year, well not the last minute crisis, but difficulty making plans and a very serious fight before plans were made or agreed to.
I'm worried a lot about next year, but not so much about the trip.
We've been married 15 years and this is definitely a more recent problem. We didn't go on vacation or do fun stuff before, because we were in graduate school/other training positions, had no money, and worked all of the time. Most weekends and some years even on Christmas and Thanksgiving. Neither of us knows how to plan a vacation, relax, and have a good time! And if I did manage to plan it myself, I would hear from DH about how we only ever do things that I want to do and how he isn't having fun.
Melbel
08-22-2010, 08:24 AM
Thanks. This is what happened last year, well not the last minute crisis, but difficulty making plans and a very serious fight before plans were made or agreed to.
I'm worried a lot about next year, but not so much about the trip.
We've been married 15 years and this is definitely a more recent problem. We didn't go on vacation or do fun stuff before, because we were in graduate school/other training positions, had no money, and worked all of the time. Most weekends and some years even on Christmas and Thanksgiving. Neither of us knows how to plan a vacation, relax, and have a good time! And if I did manage to plan it myself, I would hear from DH about how we only ever do things that I want to do and how he isn't having fun.
I hope that your coerced vacation goes well and that you are able to enjoy some quality time off as a family. As for next year, you may want to consider enlisting the help of a travel agent. You both could make a list of 3 desired places to visit, type of destination and things to see, and hopefully, the travel agent could come up with something that would make everyone happy. AAA provides services without a fee if you are a member. Even if you do pay a fee, in your situation, I think that it would be money well spent. Good luck!
Thanks!
I think we are leaving tomorrow. Still not sure where we'll end up.
I definitely need to figure out a better plan for next year.
My parents never took me anywhere except a driving vacation to see relatives who lived in the middle of nowhere. DH's parents took him camping - which I don't want to do for more than a day or two at a time. We are both really clueless.
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