Embarrassed to even post this, but need to ask...

[ha98ed14]

When do the conflicts with the H move from the "every couple argues" side to the "having marital problems" side?

Lately, I just feel like I am mad at DH more times than not. He does things and I am left thinking, "Where the eff did you get the idea that this was ok????" "What planet are you living on?" I will say that we have not been married that long for people our age (5 years). We married late-ish (I was 30, he was 33) and DD came along within the first 18 mos. In the beginning he did whatever he could to please me. When I was pregnant it was a very difficult time for both of us. I was sick and he did everything he could to take care of me. He has a good heart and I don't think he does these things to hurt me, but I feel like the things he does are just plain thoughtless. It's like he has gotten sloppy. Things that he would not have done in the beginning of our marriage, he does now. It goes from small things like leaving his laundry in the middle of the bathroom floor and leaving the bathroom dirty to bigger things like making decisions about the house or commitments of time without consulting me. (I will say that we are on the same page financially and we do communicate about money, perhaps because I manage the funds, but that is not our conflict.) I just feel like I don't like him sometimes, which I am sure every couple goes through... but the sometimeses are getting more frequent.

So am I "normal", "having a rough patch" or "having marital problems"?

[Clarity]

I think it sounds like you're probably struggling a bit right now - i.e. a rough patch. The clue is: "I just feel like I don't like him sometimes, which I am sure every couple goes through... but the sometimeses are getting more frequent."

I think that the clothes on the floor are a minor irritation but the making decisions about the home and time commitments are larger issues. You need to sit down and talk to him about those concerns in a non-confrontational way. If you've done that and he still continues to make those types of decisions you might want to consider counseling.

[DebbieJ]

I think the fact that you are posting here and asking about it means that you are not happy with it and want something to change.

Have you ever gone to marriage counseling? If he won't go, are you willing to go alone?

[resipsaloquitur]

As a lawyer one of the things I tell my clients is you know there is a difference when you spend more time thinking about what it would be like on your own, rather than thinking about ways you can make the relationship better.

[rkold]

Have you both discussed ever what you both want or expect without becoming accusatory or negative? This might not be your problem, but I do know of couples where (and more often this is the wife) a wife expects her husband to just know to do things because if he loved her he would just automatically do them. ie. To me or you it might be obvious not to leave your dirty clothes in the middle of the bathroom floor, to your DH it might not. I just wonder if you ever said to him in a calm pleasant tone, "DH, could you please not leave your dirty clothes all over the bathroom floor, it really bothers me."

Sometimes thoughtlessness is just laziness or not even realizing something is thoughtless because you both have different expectations. In terms of making decisions, it is possible in his mind he thinks he is being helpful when making decisions rather than controlling or thoughtless. I was in charge of finding a rental when we sold our house and DH didn't even come to see the rental until we were signing the lease. For us, this is not a problem, DH trusts my judgment and knows anything I find acceptable he would find acceptable and that I will consider his needs as much as my own. It might help to say to him "DH, I really would appreciate it if you didn't make time commitments without talking to me first. It's frustrating for me and makes me feel unhappy."

This might not help, but I know in my own marriage it helps a lot that I try to tell my DH what I want and not expect him to just know or assume he is doing everything because he is being thoughtless.

Now of course sometimes a spouse is being thoughtless or selfish and then seeing a counselor can help. I personally wouldn't let things go on too long because it will only make you bitter and make it harder to accomplish anything with a counselor. I personally find that it is the little things that often snowball and become big things.

Good luck! *hugs*

[WatchingThemGrow]

I think the counselor advice is good. Tell me this, though... Are you going out on regularly scheduled dates? Doing anything to nurture your marriage?

eta: what rkold said is good, but I would phrase it something more positively. "Putting the clothes in the hamper is really helpful because it keeps the walkway clear or makes doing the laundry easier." (my DH has to tell ME this!) or "When we're able to talk about house decisions/commitments ahead of time, it makes me feel more like we're in this together." Although, DH tells me I need to find nicer ways to say things, so maybe I'm not the best to give advice. My DH is really sensitive.

[BabbyO]

Interesting...my DH and I went through a simiar rough patch somewhere around 3.5 - 4.5 yr mark. The first major breakthrough for me...realizing that its not fair for me to be angry at him if I didn't ask (nicely). I know (to women, especially) it seems like some things are a given, but they just aren't to guys. Or they have other "givens" that we never think of. We made a rule...I have to ask. At first this was hard. I thought, why should I have to ask you to do X...you don't ask me to do the things I do...they are just part of my responsibilty. But I quickly found out that it doesn't hurt me to ask...and it saves lots of arguments.

The second thing I found out was that when I started "mentioning" things that need to be done. It stresses him out. Like I'm bombarding him. However, if I give him a list and mark what items are priorities...he responds better. He isn't overwhelmed and he knows what is most important.

Third...he has to acknowledge my requests. Nothing gets me more fired up than when he just goes on about his business without even letting me know he's heard my question. Even if his answer is, "I can't do it now, but I'll get to it." Just like he can't read my mind in what I would like done, I can't read his mind that he has actually heard my request unless he responds.

These things have helped us alot. Ironically, the other thing that brought us really close was being in a community theatre play together (something neither of us had ever done). I'm not saying go get on stage...but maybe rekindling with something that the two of you do together, would be good. It also doesn't have to be a long term thing. DH and I got recertified for CPR a couple weekends ago...and that was a good experience.

I wish you the best....