when did personal thank you's become outdated?

[brgnmom]

my DH and I sent my BIL and his wife their bday cards & gift ($100 check) (their bdays are in the same week), and we were told to send everything to my MIL's home. I thought it was a little odd that they didn't want to disclose their new mailing address. MIL called a couple of days ago, leaving me a voice mail message that she received their bday card and that she would give it to my BIL and his wife yesterday & ask them to call us. Well, we still haven't heard from them and I guess I'm a little ticked off.

A part of me is still upset that my BIL's wife gave me the cold shoulder about expecting a girl for DC2 (she literally told me that her cultural upbringing valued girls less), and I guess I'm disappointed that we're expected to give them a bday card/monetary gift and I have never once seen a bday card from my BIL and his wife around my bday.

Thank u for letting me vent.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Why do you give them cards and a good chunk of money? Lots of families don't really do much of anything for their siblings' birthdays. It's up to each family to decide what is going to work for them. They don't send you things. So, maybe you keep celebrating their b-days in hope that they eventually start reciprocating. Or you could simply follow their lead and ignore b-days.

It's only been a day. Sometimes it takes me a week + to call. That's cool in my family though, heck, I would be ok with a month. But, that's my family. You might need to readjust expectations for your dh's family so you don't have hurt feelings or expectations that won't be met.

Just realized this was in the bp. I hope the unsolicited comments are ok. Sorry they are being jerks

Beth

[brgnmom]

we've continued this for the past 5+ years, primarily because they send a bday card + gift for my DH. Otherwise, I would definitely not keep sending them anything if it were up to me, b/c they don't even acknowledge my bday. I guess a verbal 'thank you' would have been nice from them.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Fingers crossed that it comes!

[DebbieJ]

Yeah, my SIL never sends thank yous when we send bday gifts to my nephew. It's totally irritating.

I also recently brought meals to THREE different families (new baby, surgery, death in the family) and only ONE of them thanked me at all and it was via email. The other two said thanks when I dropped it off and that was it. I put a lot of thought and care into those dinners and I would like to know that they appreciated the pot roast and REAL mashed potatoes I made for them!

[TwinFoxes]

I guess you could hope against hope they're mailing a thank you card, in which case it wouldn't be delivered today. ;)

FWIW, I don't know anyone who buys birthday gifts for their grown siblings, unless it's a milestone birthday (30 or 40.). But since you do, you should be thanked.

[brgnmom]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for being there. :) they both turned 38, so not necessarily a milestone bday, but my DH and I have always sent them bday cards + a check every year since we've been married (5+ yrs). I guess it's probably my pregnancy hormones that are making me more sensitive to my BIL and his wife not calling us in appreciation or acknowledgement of our gesture. We actually don't talk on the phone much at all, but I was hoping that my MIL mentioning she would have them call over the weekend would hold true. I'm not hoping for a formal card or anything, just a phone call or an email would have been nice.

DebbieJ, that is very sweet how you prepared those meals for three different families. I'm sorry that you weren't formally thanked given how much time it took to prepare all those family meals. :hug:

[Tondi G]

we've continued this for the past 5+ years, primarily because they send a bday card + gift for my DH. Otherwise, I would definitely not keep sending them anything if it were up to me, b/c they don't even acknowledge my bday. I guess a verbal 'thank you' would have been nice from them.

You should send one for your BIL and maybe one check for him but if they don't send a check and a card for you then you should either just send a card to SIL (be the bigger person) or send nothing at all. Hope they call or email you soon to let you know they at least received it!

[HannaAddict]

Yeah, my SIL never sends thank yous when we send bday gifts to my nephew. It's totally irritating.

I also recently brought meals to THREE different families (new baby, surgery, death in the family) and only ONE of them thanked me at all and it was via email. The other two said thanks when I dropped it off and that was it. I put a lot of thought and care into those dinners and I would like to know that they appreciated the pot roast and REAL mashed potatoes I made for them!

I never would or do expect a formal thank you for doing a meal for a family in times of stress or crisis like new baby, death, etc. They don't need one more duty, I figure the meal is supposed to make life easier for them, not give them another obligation. But, for my baby I delivered in January, I did write thank you notes to my amazing preschool co-op
members for the incredible meals they did since I really didn't know them at all (hospitalized a week into co-op and off and on through delivery) and they were so wonderful to my daughter when she really needed it with her mom (me!) hurting and in the hospital. It was truly unexpected and appreciated and helped us out tremendously. I got more than s few comments back that I should be resting and not writing thank you notes!

[brgnmom]

You should send one for your BIL and maybe one check for him but if they don't send a check and a card for you then you should either just send a card to SIL (be the bigger person) or send nothing at all. Hope they call or email you soon to let you know they at least received it!

My MIL fortunately called me to leave a message that she received the cards + check we sent, and she told me that she'd give them to my BIL and his wife yesterday. We live about 6 hours away (driving distance) from them all.

I think we'll probably still continue the tradition of sending my BIL and his wife something, but it sucks how they don't personally acknowledge what we send. I know that they receive our gifts b/c they deposit our checks every year.

Thank you for being there. :)

[DebbieJ]

I never would or do expect a formal thank you for doing a meal for a family in times of stress or crisis like new baby, death, etc. They don't need one more duty, I figure the meal is supposed to make life easier for them, not give them another obligation. But, for my baby I delivered in January, I did write thank you notes to my amazing preschool co-op
members for the incredible meals they did since I really didn't know them at all (hospitalized a week into co-op and off and on through delivery) and they were so wonderful to my daughter when she really needed it with her mom (me!) hurting and in the hospital. It was truly unexpected and appreciated and helped us out tremendously. I got more than s few comments back that I should be resting and not writing thank you notes!

I had a crash c-section (which is saying we weren't at all prepared for the recovery and we live in a split level house) and we received probably a dozen meals from our church in the month after the delivery. I hand wrote a thank you note to each and every person. They weren't long--just a few lines--but I wanted to acknowledge their efforts and let them know how much we appreciated it. I was parked on the couch nursing a newborn much of the day, so it was no big deal to write notes instead of watch more HGTV. :D

[TwinFoxes]

Is there any chance MIL forgot to give the cards to BIL? I'm trying to figure out from your post if they never thank you. Or if it would be unusual not to be thanked.

[HannaAddict]

I had a crash c-section (which is saying we weren't at all prepared for the recovery and we live in a split level house) and we received probably a dozen meals from our church in the month after the delivery. I hand wrote a thank you note to each and every person. They weren't long--just a few lines--but I wanted to acknowledge their efforts and let them know how much we appreciated it. I was parked on the couch nursing a newborn much of the day, so it was no big deal to write notes instead of watch more HGTV. :D

You went above and beyond. As a c-section mom too (most first cs are unexpected) I just wouldn't expect a thank you for doing something voluntary to make life easier. I will say I'm sure the families were incredibly appreciative of your effort and you did your part for good karma in paying back to the universe the great meals
you received! I was amazed at the delicious food people
did for us since I have relied in our local gourmet take out place when I bring a meal. I do think the OP should get a big thank you for her generous gift
for the bday present, though it doesn't need to be immediate or within a couple of days, that is just unrealistic in my experience.

[Melaine]

I'm with HannaAddict on the meals-after-delivery thing. Of course, it is great if people do write thank yous, but I would never expect it. We were so very grateful for the meals brought during that time, but we were incredibly over-whelmed and didn't (at the time) even think of writing down everyone who brought meals. I really hope that those who did will understand. Actually, when I bring meals for those kind of things I tend to say, "Please don't bother with a thank you note, I don't want to put that obligation on top of all your other ones".

To the OP, I'm sorry they didn't thank you. I hope they still do! I think I would just discontinue the gifts if I were you, it doesn't sound like it is working very well in their case.

[truly scrumptious]

I'm with HannaAddict on the meals-after-delivery thing. Of course, it is great if people do write thank yous, but I would never expect it. We were so very grateful for the meals brought during that time, but we were incredibly over-whelmed and didn't (at the time) even think of writing down everyone who brought meals. I really hope that those who did will understand.

:yeahthat:
When I went into labor early with DS, we had lots of baby gifts arrive at the house while we were in the hospital. These (mostly baby clothes) were dutifully unpacked and washed by my mom, with no info saved on who they came from. There are probably a bunch of folks wondering why I never acknowledged their baby gifts, and I can only hope that they understand how overwhelming it was for us to have him arrive so early.

[vonfirmath]

Usually, when a gift (meal) is thanked for in person, it is not expected that a written thank you come as well...

[ha98ed14]

Yeah, my SIL never sends thank yous when we send bday gifts to my nephew. It's totally irritating.

I also recently brought meals to THREE different families (new baby, surgery, death in the family) and only ONE of them thanked me at all and it was via email. The other two said thanks when I dropped it off and that was it. I put a lot of thought and care into those dinners and I would like to know that they appreciated the pot roast and REAL mashed potatoes I made for them!

In this kind of situation, I would totally be willing to cut them some major slack re:time. All of those families are in "crisis" mode and if the Thank you never came, I think it as a gift I am giving to people in need. Birthday checks for $100 are a total and completely different situation, IMO.

[brgnmom]

twinfoxes, I think last year I gave them the cards + check in person, while we took a trip visiting family in the bay area, and it was nice and sufficient that they thanked us then. But in the prior years to last year and this year, it wasn't acknowledged by a phone call/email. I guess I kind of feel like it's taken for granted. I do know that the checks are received and they deposit them. MIL knows how I feel b/c she suggested that she'd encourage my BIL (DH's oldest brother) and his wife to at least call us over the weekend.

I feel like this situation is different from expecting an acknowledgement for bringing homemade meals to families in need. I would be content knowing that I made a difference in a positive way.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

brgnmom, What does your BIL give your DH for his birthday? $100 seems extravagant to me, but I know families are different. Plus, cash is very impersonal. Are they in need of money? I would feel very akward getting money from my siblings as I don't need money and would rather not take it.

Also, I've never given a birthday gift to my siblings' wifes/husbands. They've never given one to my DH either. It's not that we're mean or anything, it's just all we can do to remember each other's birthday. In fact, that doesn't always happen :p

If writing this check makes you resentful, then don't do it. That's my advice. Give them a card or small gift and be a cheerful giver.