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View Full Version : Best friend's dumb comments - what would you do?



LadyPeter
09-09-2010, 09:17 AM
My husband and I tried to conceive for about a year before we succeeded. In the course of that year, I had only two periods. I also had several other issues - bursting cysts, unusual hair growth, etc. - that led to the diagnosis of PCOS. To manage it, I went on a low-carb diet, began exercising and started working with a fertility specialist in order to start Clomid.

Imagine how THRILLED we were when the specialist called to say we didn't need his services, because we were pregnant! To achieve it at all, let alone within a year and without medication, was a huge blessing.

However, PCOS is a condition I know I'll have to manage from now on. it's not the worst thing anyone ever had, but unmanaged, it can lead to diabetes, uterine cancer, and more.

My best friend, who's been privy to the whole saga and is a NURSE, for crying out loud, keeps saying the most obnoxious things to me. Things like "Do you think it was because you finally relaxed?" "See? I TOLD you there was nothing wrong with you!" and "It's just so funny to me that you thought you were infertile."

I let these comments pass in the first few months of my pregnancy, because I figured she was just excited and didn't realize what she was saying. But she isn't letting up. It's almost like she's trying to force me to admit it was all in my head. Instead of, you know, my ovaries.

But it really bothers me and I want to say something to her to make it stop. What should I say? Explain how conception works? How PCOS prevents it? How it's not "all gone" just because I'm pregnant? I wish I'd addressed it sooner, because it feels weird to have this conversation 7 months later.

resipsaloquitur
09-09-2010, 09:37 AM
People that haven't experienced infertility can be so incredibly crass with their comments. I understand that the process/issue is not well understood but you are right, as your close friend and nurse she should be getting it.

I would def pull her aside and say something like "I know you mean well but your comments are really hurtful. Infertility is just as much a disease as cancer and just becasue I'm now pregnant doesn't mean I'm over the issues that have haunted me. Perhaps we should not discuss that part of my life."

Good luck.

TwinFoxes
09-09-2010, 09:42 AM
I would def pull her aside and say something like "I know you mean well but your comments are really hurtful. Infertility is just as much a disease as cancer and just becasue I'm now pregnant doesn't mean I'm over the issues that have haunted me. Perhaps we should not discuss that part of my life."

Good luck.

:yeahthat: Just straight out tell her that your diagnoses hasn't changed, and you will have to manage your condition for a long time to come and her comments are not welcome.

daisymommy
09-09-2010, 09:43 AM
Ho rude of her :shake: While nurses know some medical things, they certainly don't know everything about all subjects, and it is very possible that she doesn't have a clue. If it were me, I would explain what PCOS is, how it keeps you from getting pregnant, and just like you said, that just because you are pregnant now doesn't mean that it's all over with for the rest of your life.

If that conversation doesn't end her comments, I would say something tactful to let her know her comments are rude and hurtful, and that you no longer wish to discuss it. I'm not good with words in situations like this, so hopefully someone else here can chime in with some suggestions.

hellokitty
09-09-2010, 09:47 AM
I agree, I'd be blunt with her, if she is your BF, then you should be able to be honest with her and she should care about your feelings. I'd also send her some PCOS links and encourage her to educate herself. As a nurse myself, I know about PCOS, b/c I read up on it myself while going through infertility (I was diagnosed with it, but then my new doctor after we moved disagreed with the diagnosis). Plenty of nurses have no clue what is involved with infertility issues, I dealt with a lot of insensitive comments from other co-workers and I would bet you $ that if I were still working at the same place I was at when I was doing with this issue, that I would have gotten the, "it probably finally happened, b/c you relaxed," issue. Even I after I had multiple m/c's, co-workers kept saying, "that's ok, you can just try again."

BTW, congrats on your pregnancy.

karstmama
09-09-2010, 09:47 AM
pcos wasn't well understood or covered when i was in nursing school. i don't know how long ago your friend's schooling was, or what field she's working in now, but cut her a bit of slack there - especially if she's not in endocrine or women's health nursing.

*but* you could certainly suggest she read up on it & get more educated! there's no excuse to continue to say hurtful things. the script above is a good start, but i'd add in 'perhaps you could read this (article or pamphlet that you've picked out) before we talk about this again.'

then if she still isn't getting it, there's nothing that says you have to continue to share that part of your life, as the script above notes.

big congrats, and i hope you continue to be as successful at your management!

bostonsmama
09-09-2010, 09:49 AM
So often I feel the same way about this pregnancy. After six years of infertility and 5 losses (including 2 IVF cycles that worked but ended in m/c), we finally conceived miraculously without help...and of course it just so happened to coincide with a beautiful working vacation we took out to California. I've received a TON of stupid comments about how "relaxing" and going on vacation "did the trick," when in reality, I still have PCOS, am hypothyroid (medicated for both), have an auto immune disorder, blocked tubes (as per my HSG) and endometriosis. I'm a medical mess, and this REALLY IS a complete and utter gift from God. Part of my frustration comes when people try to trivialize the utter unlikelihood of this ever having happened by telling me that relaxing (which I've done MANY a time before--including far better vacations where we never conceived) was the primary agent in this pregnancy. It's laughable, but I guess people like to be "right." Anyways, as a fellow PCOSer, you do have a lifelong road ahead of you, but it's true that with diet, exercise, medication (Metformin) and weight management, the symptoms are managable and pregnancy is possible for many.

hillview
09-09-2010, 09:55 AM
Ouch. That is hard to hear I am SURE. I think I'd just tell her that you appreciate that she is trying to make you feel better/good however given your medical dx that what she is saying is not what your doctors have said or what you believe and that you feel very luck and blessed to be pg.

HUGS and congrats!
/hillary

brittone2
09-09-2010, 10:10 AM
Been there!
I have three kids now. Never thought I'd have one, quite honestly, as I was totally anovulatory for 9 months straight when it all started. Went through infertility treatments and got pregnant with my oldest via IUI and injectables.

Pregnancies 2 and 3 were from a higher dose of metformin and low carbing. Lots of people think I no longer have PCOS, or that I just "relaxed" and baby #2 and 3 came along. THey just do not get it!

I hate having PCOS, but I always say the bright spot is that had I gotten pg easily with baby #1, I would have never known what I was dealing with. My original OB/gyn was totally NOT helpful (insisted I didn't have PCOS over and over again), and was very focused on me getting pg, but not much else. PCOS's health implications (as you know!) extend far, far beyond infertility and pregnancy. I'm thankful I at least had the opportunity to connect the dots and help my long term health by getting the diagnosis.

As a *nurse* you'd think she'd realize that. I would feel free to point out that PCOS has implications you'll be dealing with beyond fertility. So sorry that you are dealing with her ignorant comments.

Congratulations on your wonderful, wonderful news!!!

luckytwenty
09-09-2010, 10:14 AM
I think you need to tell her how insensitive she's being. If she's truly a good friend, she'll feel awful once you make her aware, and maybe you'll prevent her from being hurtful to someone else with IF.

And FWIW, I personally haven't had fertility struggles but would never EVER say or assume what she said to you. I think that's very insensitive and also just flat out unnecessary to bring up, and anyone should know that, whether they've personally been through it or not. It's like she's acting as if you're being neurotic or something for having sought medical treatment for a diagnosed fertility problem!

Tanya
09-09-2010, 10:34 AM
My husband and I tried to conceive for about a year before we succeeded. In the course of that year, I had only two periods. I also had several other issues - bursting cysts, unusual hair growth, etc. - that led to the diagnosis of PCOS. To manage it, I went on a low-carb diet, began exercising and started working with a fertility specialist in order to start Clomid.

Imagine how THRILLED we were when the specialist called to say we didn't need his services, because we were pregnant! To achieve it at all, let alone within a year and without medication, was a huge blessing.

However, PCOS is a condition I know I'll have to manage from now on. it's not the worst thing anyone ever had, but unmanaged, it can lead to diabetes, uterine cancer, and more.

My best friend, who's been privy to the whole saga and is a NURSE, for crying out loud, keeps saying the most obnoxious things to me. Things like "Do you think it was because you finally relaxed?" "See? I TOLD you there was nothing wrong with you!" and "It's just so funny to me that you thought you were infertile."

I let these comments pass in the first few months of my pregnancy, because I figured she was just excited and didn't realize what she was saying. But she isn't letting up. It's almost like she's trying to force me to admit it was all in my head. Instead of, you know, my ovaries.

But it really bothers me and I want to say something to her to make it stop. What should I say? Explain how conception works? How PCOS prevents it? How it's not "all gone" just because I'm pregnant? I wish I'd addressed it sooner, because it feels weird to have this conversation 7 months later.


Well, congrats! I'm impressed that you did get pregnant without meds after ttc for a year, so maybe that diet and exercise program really helped!
As for your friend, unless you've been through infertility, you do NOT understand. I'm sure she's trying to be supportive and happy for you, but she's saying the wrong things which is pretty common in my experience.
I also have PCOS and poor quality eggs and whatever else. All of my kids were conceived with a LOT of help from my reproductive endocrinologist and I wouldn't have kids without her. I remember my mom trying to be supportive and she'd say every single cycle "Well, hopefully this time will work!". Seems innocent enough, but it was enough to upset me that I kept her in the dark after we had our first child about ttc and fertility treatments, etc. I went through IVF and two FETs this last time and we didn't tell her any of it until after we'd seen the little heartbeats. One of my best friends told me to pray to God for a baby. Like we hadn't tried anything and everything. In 10 years, I have never once gotten pregnant on my own and I even do get regular periods.

I'd probably e-mail her and explain that you changed to the low carb diet and went on an exercise program and that helped with the PCOS. Send her some links on what PCOS is. Let her know that just because you were able to conceive this time without meds certainly doesn't mean it will ever be that easy again. Ttc for a year without success is enough reason to say there are fertility issues.
I wouldn't confront her face to face about this as it might make your relationship far more awkward.

Unfortunately, this won't be the end of the ignorant comments we'll hear...and not just related to infertility. I highly recommend finding a separate support system than your BF for this kind of stuff. You can still be BF, but sometimes you just need to talk to someone that really understands what you are going through.





And congrats to you too Bostonmama! We're due the same day, only mine are twins.
Your little one is quite the miracle considering your diagnosis and what a fluke it had to be for you to get pregnant that way. My twins are from an IVF where I had 41 eggs retrieved (PCOS), 29 fertilized and the only two embies that made it are in my belly shaking it all around now.


Tanya

littlebird
09-09-2010, 12:09 PM
First of all, congrats on your pregnancy! How exciting!

I'm sorry that your friend is saying things which are hurtful. In my experience, the comments happen because the other person hasn't experienced infertility and the emotions that come with it. Those people think that they need to say something, rather than just listen, which would be the most supportive thing to do.

Here are some facts that you might be able to just state back at the right time:

--Fertile women have only a 20% chance of conceiving every month. So, when you have health struggles which complicate things, the chance becomes less likely.

--Research that I've read states that relaxing has nothing to do with conception. (I've said this one before, after the vacation comment, and all I get is silence back... I have read research on this, by the way :-) )

--1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility. (I would just add in, PCOS is a cause of infertility.)

Good luck with handling it!

Alyssa

resipsaloquitur
09-09-2010, 08:14 PM
Boy, do I wish some celebrity, or someone with the public eye, would come out and really talk about infertility. All these stars that have twins and yet not one of them openly talk about IUI or IVF. And I am soooo not believing twins just run in everyone's family. Even Sarah Jessica Parker, who admitted to using a surrogate for her new twins, made NO effort to use her situation to educate the public. You'd think for these public women who have struggled with it they would feel a moral obligation to get the word out and help others but I guess the stigma is still too much.

Infertility is just as real as heart disease, cancer, MS and diabetes. In some ways it is worse because no one really talks about it. We have walks for AIDS, pink ribbons for breast cancer, but what do we have for infertility?

And telling someone to relax... You wouldn't tell a person with breast cancer to "just relax". You wouldn't tell someone with MS to "take a vacation." You wouldn't tell someone with heart disease "everything happens for a reason- maybe you are suppose to have heart disease." Seesh!!!!

Okay. Deep breath in. Stepping off soap box now.

Minnifer
09-09-2010, 10:13 PM
This is a topic I'm all too familiar with. It took me 5 IVFs and as many losses to have DD. And in the past year, I've done 4 more IVFs, unsuccessfully, for a sibling. As PPs have said, people who have not suffered infertility just.don't.get.it. Period. For them, the ability to have children is a given, like breathing. In my experience, no amount of attempting to explain it to them or trying to help them understand what it is like will make a difference - you will only drive yourself nuts and probably get yourself even more hurt in the process. Trust me, I've tried (and tried and tried and tried). It doesn't mean they are bad people, they just cannot understand it. People also don't understand that having a child cures childlessness but doesn't cure infertility or the IF experience and what someone went through to have the child (often equated to PTSD). The best advice I have is to eliminate ALL expectations you have of them and ignore the absolutely ridiculous things that will likely come out of their mouths in their misguided attempts to empathize with you.


Infertility is just as real as heart disease, cancer, MS and diabetes. This is absolutely true, and yet the majority of society does not view it this way. Most people seem to think that if you aren't getting/staying pg, you weren't "meant" to have children, and what's the big deal about that? Again, since for them having children is a foregone conclusion, they can't begin to understand the kind of loss involved in the inability to have children.

c&j04
09-09-2010, 10:38 PM
Unfortunately, this won't be the end of the ignorant comments we'll hear...and not just related to infertility. I highly recommend finding a separate support system than your BF for this kind of stuff. You can still be BF, but sometimes you just need to talk to someone that really understands what you are going through.

Come here!! Unfortunately, even BF's who have been through IF can pull out some super insensitive comments....at exactly the wrong time!

Congratulations!