Your Neighborhood – getting along with other Parents

[crazydiamond]

Anyone have issues being social with the parents of other kids in your own neighborhood?

Living right next to us - are 5 young families with a bunch of kids ranging from one to five years old. The kids and the parents all seem to be very close and have their own little clique.

The kids seem nice enough, but the parents are vastly different (culturally, age, lifestyle) then my wife and I. Not bad folks - just very different.

DD is still a bit young to be out running about with the kids, but by next summer she will likely start wanting to do this. Not an issue for her to play with the kids (they seem okay). She will be growing up with them and going to school with them eventually.

However it seems like this will require my wife and I to join this local parent "clique" - for DD to be fully accepted. We would mix like oil and water with the other parents.

Anyone ever deal with this situation?

[Seitvonzu]

my husband could have written this post. or i could have. this really describes our townhouse community. we bought at the height of real estate in our county-- this really shows in us vs. our neighbors (besidesmaking me feel like a complete idiot! but we did the best we could at the time we needed a home) the one thing different in our situation is that, probably somewhat due to the close quarters, the kids really feel entitled that all the property is "common"-- which isn't true adn has caused problems.we've also had children ON TOP OF OUR CARS...but that's another issue entirely :)

i don't really have any advice. we haven't been directly confronted with the issue even though i'm sure our very social child would want to play with the neighbors kids if she could. it's not an option for my husband because he has a really sour taste and has had a few "run-ins" with various families (one person cursed him out in front of our infant and another screamed into our home from below our deck). it's not an option for me because the parents don't tend to monitor the kids very well and i don't want to become responsible for the "whole gang"-- plus, our child is significantly younger and the kids do things that are pretty dangerous -- ie, they use the parking lot as a "yard" and it's very difficult to see them around cars, etc. it's just a mess.

i occasionally feel bad because i don't want DD to grow up thinking she is "better" than other people...but the values/parenting is just REALLY different from ours, and i think it is unsafe and not a good situation for my daughter or me to get involved in.

i do wave and try to be friendly, but keep my distance. our hope is to be out of here before DD is schoolage, and if we aren't- most of the kids are older anyhow (there is one child who is within a few months but i've noticed that even though she has an older brother, she is not out with the "big kids" either).

i'll be watching this thread!

[LarsMal]

We are in a similar situation except that we aren't different from the neighbors. We are maybe a couple years younger than them, but generally the same age, culture, and lifestyle. They just had their little clique before we moved into the neighborhood and have not been welcoming to us at.all.

It really stinks because our kids are all about the same age and several of them will be in the same grade together. I used to get very upset about it, but I've taken on a new f-you approach! I used to smile and wave and at least make myself look open to starting up some sort of communication. Now I don't bother. I figure if they are going to be that cliquey I don't want to be friends with them- and I don't want my kids hanging out with them either.

[ha98ed14]

probably somewhat due to the close quarters, the kids really feel entitled that all the property is "common"-- which isn't true adn has caused problems.we've also had children ON TOP OF OUR CARS...but that's another issue entirely

This is exactly why I held out for a single family detached home. We lived in an apartment before and had mostly nice neighbors. The people who were nutty had no young children. But I think if you don't feel comfortable being close friends with the parents, there is no reason you have to "join" the clique. Who knows, they may have observed the same differences you have and do not want to be confronted by your wanting to be in their social circle. I don't mean that rudely, but it can be off putting to people for others to be too eager to be their friends. I think as long as you are polite in passing, keep on your side of the fence and are gentle when making requests of their children to stay off your lawn (if necessary), all will be fine. Like you said, DD is too young to run with the herd.

[AnnieW625]

We picked the wrong neighborhood as there are very few families with young kids on our long street. I grew up in a cul de sac with great neighbors that were never cliquey so when we were looking for our house I wanted that too, but we didn't get it. Now I wish we had a better neighborhood dynamic, but in our area are street sells higher than some other streets in our area so that and less the "desparate housewives" politics/get togethers (although a block party once in a while would be nice) seems way better to me in the end. The kids are only young once, and you can live in your house for a lifetime.

[karstmama]

what other parents? everybody in my town is long ago retired.

i'm serious. 200 people, probably 185 are aarp fodder.

[gobadgers]

This is so timely, since today was our first 'neighborhood playgroup' this fall.

We moved into the nicest neighborhood we could afford. It is SO kid-friendly, along with the rest of the town. I love the area in general, but some of the SAHM moms in our particular neighborhood are kinda driving me nutso. Almost all of them seem nice enough. But unless I shoe-horn in a topic of conversation, they resort to gossiping about other friends, discussing Bunko last week (which I decidedly do NOT want to play, but on the other hand, no one has asked me to join (sob)), etc... I get tired of repeatedly looking for something to talk about, when its not reciprocated. So yeah, it's cliquey.

We are not different in obvious ways than most families here, except in mindset apparently. So, in one way I do understand the predicament.

We've been here almost a year and I'm ready to give up on the large group setting. I'm focusing on more one-on-one time with one or two families - we've been inviting them over for BBQ's on the weekends or playdates. It's surprising how much the dynamic changes, and how much easier it is to find common ground. Is this an option for you? I'm hoping this can make it easier to at least know/trust the houses DD may be visiting in coming years.

[HIU8]

We have a number of families with young children on our street. We do socialize with them, but we are not part of the "in" crowd. Our kids go to private and not the neighborhood school and we are not the same religion so we are the only ones on the street without a Christmas tree etc.... We do get included in things (and we do reciprocate) but it feels like it's fringe. For that reason alone we want to move. We want to move to an area with more people who are like us that our kids can socialize with. Unfortunately that means a big jump in house cost that we cannot handle right now. Really I talk more with the elderly women on the street than the women my own age. I do get the feeling I'm not well liked from a couple of the women (I have never done a thing to them, I'm just not like them and I feel it daily).

[ilfaith]

My neighborhood is a gated golf club community and while there are quite a lot of empty nesters, there are plenty of families with children of similar ages...but you'd never know it. Last Halloween I took my boys trick-or-treating and was amazed by all the kids I saw. i wondered where they'd been hiding, because I seldom see kids in the neighborhood, at the pool or playground or just riding their bikes around. I imagine that the kids are just busy with their scheduled activities (I know mine are too).

I do find that we don't really fit in with our neighborhood. I expected that moving to north Florida from NYC. The people in my neighborhood are mostly very southern...not a bad thing, but quite different from this stereotypical New Yorker. The people that I have met (mostly at the playground, during the few months of the year it's not too hot to take the kids there) mostly go to the same local megachurch and send their kids to the school there. We're Jewish and I haven't met anyone in my neighborhood who is. While I know plenty of people through my temple, and have formed friendships with several of the moms from my boys' school, it would be nice to have a friend on the block or around the corner (most of the friends I have live on the other side of town, closer to the temple and the boys' school...we didn't get the memo that was the "Jewish part of town"...as much as a town with a small Jewish community can have a Jewish "ghetto"...when we moved here).

I also know that I my politics are quite different from most of my neighbors...as indicated when I went to vote in my first democratic primary after moving here. The poll workers seemed so happy to see me. Apparently it had been a very slow day for them until I arrived.

My sons have started taking tennis lessons at our club, but the parents don't usually hang around (maybe they will when the temperatures drop below 90 degrees). Next summer I am planning to have them swim on the country club swim team, and am thinking I might get to know some of the other moms a little better that way (I do feel a little funny about that since my kids have always had their swim lessons at our JCC, which also fields a team, but is a 25-minute drive away as opposed to walking distance from our home).

[ThreeofUs]

We spend a lot of time biting our tongues. The families with kids around our kids' ages are pretty good, but one set in particular are just very different from us. We want to find common ground but sometimes it's hard. So we just smile and nod and exit stage left.

[kijip]

I work outside the home. We go to the park in the evenings and chat but never really gone from there. None of the kids ever went to T's school last year and this year he is now in homeschool. Othen they are in the park without their parents, so we play with the kids but I don't even know the parents. I don't have much opportunity for anything other than niceties in the park. There are no other children in our townhome development (though I think two couples are TTC).

[WatchingThemGrow]

We've been here more than 5 years, and several families have moved in since. Most of them I do talk to/do stuff with, but one mama just does niceties and ignores me. We want to see/do more with them, but we find that we only actually see them when our DC are biking around the block. We are easily 15 years older than the other parents who have DC our DS1's age, so it is easier for them to hang out together while I'm juggling the needs of 3. They seem to like to come over when I invite them to our (most fun) yard, though.

DH actually makes an effort also, though. Our church is having a popular singer do a show in Dec. and he heard through someone else that one of the dads in our neighborhood is looking for a church home. DH bought them 2 tix to the concert on his own. I thought that was really nice.

We're hosting a neighborhood picnic in a couple weeks, so I'm hoping some of the families will come. Actually, getting our CSA boxes delivered to our front porch has increased communication with two of the families since we actually have something to talk about.

We are not doing too well connecting with our immediate neighbors though as they are an immigrant family and the mama works the night shift. They have a 4th grader and a toddler, and I rarely see them. I need to make more of an effort.

[Melaine]

No one in my neighborhood socializes. Ever.

[Ceepa]

I don't have much opportunity for anything other than niceties in the park. There are no other children in our townhome development (though I think two couples are TTC).

I don't know why this struck me as funny that you have passing knowledge of your neighbors yet you know they're TTC a baby. It's like 'what passes for niceties at the park these days?' :ROTFLMAO:

[crazydiamond]

It is tough to find common ground with them. We are around 15 years older then the other parents. One example is that these new families are "front yard folks" - more specifically "driveway/curb folks". Just different style than us ...and most of the town. I am sure they see us as old, reserved and stand-offish. I will have to find a way to mix with them a bit, to get to know them, so DD can have some fun next summer with the other kids.

[luckytwenty]

Most of our family friendships are from the kids' schools and activities. We get along with our neighbors and our kids will play together while we're chatting--but I'm actually kind of glad that our closest friends aren't walking distance. That might be a little too close for comfort for me to always have friends dropping by.

[WatchingThemGrow]

It is tough to find common ground with them. We are around 15 years older then the other parents. One example is that these new families are "front yard folks" - more specifically "driveway/curb folks". Just different style than us ...and most of the town. I am sure they see us as old, reserved and stand-offish. I will have to find a way to mix with them a bit, to get to know them, so DD can have some fun next summer with the other kids.
Not sure what you mean about how they're a different style...does your DD play outside in the yard? Does she have a ride-on toy or anything to play with out there? We (15 years older also) have to make a conscious effort to actually play in our neighborhood at least a couple nights a week. We could be "too busy" with trips to the gym, to bible studies, out to dinner, to Target or the mall, to the grandparents' house, etc. If you want to make relationships with them and have your DD make relationships with them, there is a definite time investment. Inviting them to birthday parties once a year doesn't do it, but instead invite them for dinner, ask them if they want to bring their DC over to play in a kiddie pool or play with stomp rockets or whatever. Loan them a bike, invite them over for a playdate, invite them over for dessert or something like that. I bet you'll find you actually do have stuff in common with them. You are parents and you live in the same neighborhood. There are two things right there. It does take some effort, though.

[gatorsmom]

I think finding the ideal kid-friendly, similar- parenting style neighbors that are welcoming and kind is like finding a needle in a hay stack. And if you find it, you better not move. :D

We moved into a neighborhood that has a sprinkling of parents our age with kids aged similar to ours. But they are spread out around our neighborhood because the majority of the neighborhood are retired or have kids in college. It's good in that we dont feel obligated to get buddy-buddy with the other parents since we see them only in passing but bad because my kids can't just walk across a lawn or two to find friends to play with. It would be nice to be able to just walk across my lawn to have coffee with the other moms while our kids play (like my mom used to do), but good in that there is no clique here to worry about fitting into or inter-neighborhood gossiping to make anyone feel bad. It's hard to gossip when you only see the other parents of kids our age while driving past their house.