Help me diplomatically turn down this request.

[Green_Tea]

A few weeks back I started a thread about a friend (who I really like) who I feel takes advantage of me for childcare. You can find it here: http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=369360

Several posters advised me (wisely!) that I need to start setting boundaries and simply telling her that I am not available for childcare when I don't want to watch her kids. Well, opportunity is looking me in the eye.

Background: I am a full time grad student and Tuesdays and Thursdays are my days off. Those are the days that I do laundry, grocery shopping, homework, housework - all the stuff I don't have time to do during the week. I am child free on those days (all three kids are in school full time).

Today I got home from class and had a message from the friend in the thread I linked to above. She wanted to know if I could pick up her son from preschool on Thursday and hold onto him while she's (potentially) at jury duty.

As I discussed in the previous thread, I am generally fine with watching her kids for a few hours when my kids are home and they can all play together. But I am not a babysitter. I am not available to watch my friends' kids when my kids are at school. That's MY time. I have never asked my friends to watch my kids when their own kids aren't around - I suck it up and hire a sitter.

I am 99% sure that I was the first person she called to ask this favor of because she knows for a fact that I am free on Thursdays and because I seem to be her go-to person. I have no interest in entertaining her son while I am supposed to be doing homework and carting him around with me for school pick-up and grocery shopping.

I need to call her back and tell her I can't do it, but I need a little support. She is the type of person to ask why I can't help, can't he come along grocery shopping? Can't I write my paper over the weekend? She is likely to have many suggestions as to how I can rearrange my schedule to accommodate hers, and I don't do well when I am put on the spot. I really, really like this friend

Help me out, Mamas.

[DietCokeLover]

"gosh, I'm really sorry. I've got some other things I need to be doing on Thursday. I hope you find someone else as if you are selected for jury duty, you may need a solution for several days in a row."

And if she presses you for what you are doing, I'd just again repeat you have several things that you need to do. No details needed.

[Ceepa]

ETC: I was just thinking about this some more. She doesn't get it and for everything you've thrown her way she keeps pressing. You say she'll even interrogate you WHY you can't help. That is obnoxious. Maybe you can say something like, "You know a lot of us are so busy these days it would probably be best for you guys if you found a sitter who can help out regularly."

[alien_host]

Be strong and call her and just tell her you are busy. If she asks (which sound like she might), just keep saying, "I'm sorry, I have plans I can't do it". You can give her some general "to-dos", don't be terribly specific. And hopefully she gets the hint. Hopefully you get her voicemail and can just leave a message!

I can't stand when people pressure you about "what you are doing", like what they need is more important than what your plans are....seriously don't cave in, you can do it!

[jjordan]

You could say, "I've already tried to figure out if there is a way to include Bobby in my plans, and unfortunately, it's just not going to work this time."

Can you think of someone else to suggest? A babysitter who is sometimes available that time of day? "Mary Smith down the street has done some babysitting for me and she charges just $x per hour, have you called her?"

[KrisM]

Say as little as possible. Don't give her a reason so she can't ask why he can't tag along. Just say "I'm sorry. I'm not able to help you out. I hope you can find someone who can." and be done with it.

[JBaxter]

.... Sorry my schedule is booked that day ( with laundry, house cleaning maybe a nap or shaving your legs ;) )

[Corie]

She is the type of person to ask why I can't help, can't he come along grocery shopping? Can't I write my paper over the weekend? She is likely to have many suggestions as to how I can rearrange my schedule to accommodate hers, and I don't do well when I am put on the spot.




When she starts asking you these questions, then you turn it back on her
and say, "Why can't you hire a sitter?"

[Smillow]

You don't have to give her any more explaination than that you won't watch him. Don't let her press you for reasons, I think that may be what gets you in trouble. She pushes the boundary and you let her by offering reasons. I think you need to be very firm in not offering any more information. She is trying to make her problem, your problem and it isn't your problem.

[Tondi G]

I would just say I'm so sorry you can't help her out and hope she can find someone else to cover her kiddo. If she presses tell her you have school work and errands to run that you need to take care of while YOUR children are at school. If she starts making suggestions on how you can re-arrange your schedule tell her "you know what, I just can't do it this time, I'm sorry". Then tell her you need to run cause the doorbell is ringing.... sorry I couldn't help you this time, bye!

[crl]

I'm sorry I'm not available that day.

Why, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, I'm not available that day. I hear there is a drop-in daycare for these kinds of emergencies/maybe your husband can stay home from work/gosh, I hope you can find a sitter.

But what are you doing?

Why do you keep asking? I've told you I'm sorry, I'm not available

And so on.

Just refuse to answer what you are doing. It is none of her business.

Catherine

[JustMe]

I agree with all of the suggestions to keep it as short as possible, not even give a specific reason other than being not available, and be very firm. Honestly, not sure if this is something you would do, but if she kept pressing me I would be honest and say you are not comfortable being pressed like this, you simply can't do it.

[Green_Tea]

THANK YOU ALL!

I called and left a message and thought I was off the hook, but she called back and said, "I saw you called but I haven't listened to the message yet!" Grrr. Anyway, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have too much going on on Thursday." She didn't question, but did make a point of running through all the people she could ask and listing off the reasons she thought they'd be unavailable. I just kept my mouth shut.

I also mentioned what DietCokeLover said about possibly needing a sitter for several days, which actually helped absolve me of any guilt. Not that I think I should be feeling guilty anyway.

You guys are great. Thank you for the support!

[edurnemk]

"gosh, I'm really sorry. I've got some other things I need to be doing on Thursday. I hope you find someone else as if you are selected for jury duty, you may need a solution for several days in a row."

And if she presses you for what you are doing, I'd just again repeat you have several things that you need to do. No details needed.

:yeahthat: Stick to something simple, the more details you give her, the more material she has to work with, IYKWIM. Don't phrase it openly in a way that she can argue/question/ etc You owe her no explanations, keep that in mind.

After saying what DietCokeLover suggested, try to steer the conversation away from the subject. If she insists just say "nope, I'm sorry I cannot rearrange my day this time." No further details needed.

ETA: I hadn't seen your last response before posting, I'm glad it all worked out.

[KrisM]

Good job!

[crl]

Yay, glad you declined.

Catherine

[hillview]

I'd tell her I couldn't and that you have some suggestions for a sitter (if you do) and keep suggesting the sitter.
/hillary

[niccig]

:yeahthat: Stick to something simple, the more details you give her, the more material she has to work with, IYKWIM. Don't phrase it openly in a way that she can argue/question/ etc You owe her no explanations, keep that in mind.

After saying what DietCokeLover suggested, try to steer the conversation away from the subject. If she insists just say "nope, I'm sorry I cannot rearrange my day this time." No further details needed.



I agree with all of this. I have a similar friend and I felt that I had to explain why I couldn't help. You don't. Don't give too much information and she can't say anything in return. Keep repeating, "sorry, I can't help."

What helped me was someone else saying that my friend is cheap with her money, she won't pay for a babysitter, but she's not cheap with MY time or energy. You're very busy with FULL time school and with YOUR family. Tues, Thurs are the only time you have to get homework and family things done - so they're not FREE days. They're busy non-school days. If you have her son during this time, then do you have to squeeze things you would have done into the other days/stay up late to do your homework etc? That is very unfair of your friend to try and encroach on that time. I would guard those days and keep them free for what you need to do.

I also started telling my friend how busy I am. I also screen phone calls. I still help when I can, but it's less than before because I'm busy too.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

yay, good for you, glad you declined! :bighand:

[DrSally]

I'm glad you were able to say no. Now if you say no a couple times in a row, maybe she'll stop asking. This is your time, and you need it to get all those other things done.