WWYD- Am I a bad daughter? (long)

[BabyMine]

This is causing a big fight in our family and I need another perspective.

My mom has had a hard life. Money has always been a focal point becasue of what she has been through. She has always helped me and my sister out when ever we needed it and we were alway grateful. When she was making 6 figures she didn't save but helped my sister out way too many times. The economy hit and she was out of a job. DH and I are the only ones that are helping her out. My sister had/has a shopping addiction and finally learned that my mom cannot bail her out so she is just making it financially.

My mom lives 2 hours from us and she has been looking for close to 2 years for a full time job. She has found a couple but then gets laid off. I explained to her that if she doesn't get a job by September then she needs to come and live with us and find a job. We have a lot of places hiring up here and I know some people that would give her a job. She refuses becasue we only have a 3 bedroom house and she wants her own room. ( There are reasons why the boys can't share). We even told her she could have our master and she refused. My sister said she would move into a 2 bedroom apt. and my mom refused.

Her condo maintenance is due Oct 1st. I could pay it and be late on all my bills and not get tires for my car or not pay it. I explained that I don't want to keep giving her money becasue she doesn't want to move. She started making me feel guilty because of all the things she has been through and everything she has done for me.

If I had a really good savings I wouldn't care but we don't. I love her and admire how much strength she has for what she has been through but she makes me feel guilty.

I hope this makes sense.

Am I wrong and what should I do?

[Momof3Labs]

Does she rent or own? If she owns, the condo fees need to be paid regardless, right?

I can see why she might not want to move and share a home with you or your sister, but I also agree that you can't keep on sacrificing your finances so she doesn't have to move. You have a retirement to save for, you have kids who you want to help with college, etc - maintaining two households is a huge expense for you! And it sounds like you need to set up an emergency fund just in case something happens with your job (assuming you WOTH) or your DH's job.

I don't know that there is anything you can say to your mom to change her mind. Can you and your sister sit down and come up with a script together, and then go visit her and present your proposal in person? Include an alternative - mom, if you choose not to accept our proposal by the end of the year, we can only help you with $x per month because we have to keep our family afloat financially, too.

Or, talk to a therapist on your own. They can help you come up with a plan of attack for this problem.

But no, I don't think that you are wrong at all.

[pinkmomagain]

Ugh. I am so sorry you are in this position.

We have been in a similar position with a family member. He is not financially responsible. We've helped him and his family a great deal. When he was at a loss for work, we offered to have him come and live in our state, use our beach house, and start him up with a small business or help him find a job. He refused but still wanted us to send him money to support his lifestyle in the state he lives. We have since stopped helping financially for many reasons, primary of which is that we are not an ATM machine. My dh feel very guilty at times, but this has gone on for years. It's not like we didn't offer to help, it was just not to his liking.

For a Mom who has provided and helped, it must be a much more difficult situation. Ideally I would say to help for this payment while trying to get to the bottom of why she won't move to better prospects and work on her to come up with a desirable living situation in your area. However, since $ is tight on your end, I don't think you are in a position to help financially and you should let her kindly know this. Of course, this is JMHO and you must do what rests right with you and your family.

GL!

[lizzywednesday]

You're not a bad daughter for realizing you simply can't help your mom this time in the way she's expecting.

It's hard. You don't love her any less and you want to take care of her, but your own family and expenses really need to come first.

It's not selfish. It's surviving.

[niccig]

I think if you pay this bill, then your just putting off the inevitable, as there will be another bill in the future that she can't pay. And you can't be late on your own bills. What happens to all of you, your mum included, if you fall behind financially.

It sounds like your mother wants to keep her own place. Maybe if you couch it in terms of staying with you or your sister is temporary until she's working again.

I think you might have to say "Mum, we can't pay for your condo, we do not have the money. We can though give you a place to live until you find work." You've given her an option, it's up to her to decide to take it or not.

[BabyMine]

Does she rent or own? If she owns, the condo fees need to be paid regardless, right?

I can see why she might not want to move and share a home with you or your sister, but I also agree that you can't keep on sacrificing your finances so she doesn't have to move. You have a retirement to save for, you have kids who you want to help with college, etc - maintaining two households is a huge expense for you! And it sounds like you need to set up an emergency fund just in case something happens with your job (assuming you WOTH) or your DH's job.

I don't know that there is anything you can say to your mom to change her mind. Can you and your sister sit down and come up with a script together, and then go visit her and present your proposal in person? Include an alternative - mom, if you choose not to accept our proposal by the end of the year, we can only help you with $x per month because we have to keep our family afloat financially, too.

Or, talk to a therapist on your own. They can help you come up with a plan of attack for this problem.

But no, I don't think that you are wrong at all.

She owns without a mortgage thank goodness. My DH works and I am a SAHM on SSD.

I have a strained relationship with my sister. She never really grew up and still fights for my moms attention. The one time we did talk we agreed that September would be the deadline. I let my mom know that and she just brushed it off. Now that I hate a fight with my mom my sister will try and tell my mom what an ungrateful person I am.

I have been in therapy for years and my family was a big focus. She said the only thing I can do is give what we can without sacrificing the needs of our family. She also mentioned the deadline. I know my mom is trying but in the end she still doesn't have a job. I know it's her pride and she hates being stuck like this but I told her we are family and we help each other out but there are limits.

[mommy111]

You're not a bad daughter and she's not a bad mom. These are just difficult times.
It sounds like she may be reluctant to move in with one of you. Can she move into a smaller place or move in with a friend to cut the cost of living? I would talk to her about your finances and what you can offer realistically....how many $$ or your house....and let her make the decision. I think once she feels more empowered in the situation, she will feel better. That is if you're willing to give her any $$ at all.

[marymoo86]

You are not a bad daughter. You are looking after your family. Period.

It is wrong of her to make you feel guilty. It was her choice to not save and/or give you and your sister money b/c she could do so at that time. Completely different circumstances.

If you feel compelled then offer what your family can afford to send and not be late on bills or needed repairs.

[gatorsmom]

Ignore your sister's insensitivity. She has a problem, she knows it, your mother at some level of consciousness knows it too. Let her say what she wants, your mother knows that YOU are the only one that can help her.

That means that you have the power here. Quite simply, tell your mother what you can do for her. She can either 1) move with your sister into a shared apartment, 2) move in with you, or 3) figure out on her own what to do. Then stick to your guns while the shi+ hits the fan (because there will be some drama, count on it) and try not to answer the phone. I agree with Niccig, if you ignore your September deadline, you'll be facing this again in November. And frankly, in YOUR defense, it's selfish of your mom to be willing to put you in a difficult financial situation so that she can continue to live how she wants. She's being pretty inflexible.

Your mom is a mature adult who has seen hard times before. She has some options and she needs to choose from them. There will be some yelling and hard feelings for awhile, but if you stick to your guns, I think that it will get through that your wellbeing and your DH and DC's wellbeing matters too. And if you stick to your guns, hopefully you won't face this in the future.

[BabyMine]

Thank you all for making me not feel horrible. I have had to step out of the family before becasue of the drama. I hate feeling guilty. I signed M up for soccer and felt bad becasue I could have sent that money to my mom. UGH. I'll have another talk with her and explain what we can and can't do. She will be responsible for the choices she makes.

Another thing that really pisses me off is when I told my sister I was pregnant with TT she lectured me on how we don't have the money for another child and we were selfish. When she was dating her xBF (years ago) I told her DH and I would love if we all went on a trip somewhere and she told me we don't have the money to go to the places they go. It still hurts.

[gatorsmom]

When she was dating her xBF (years ago) I told her DH and I would love if we all went on a trip somewhere and she told me we don't have the money to go to the places they go. It still hurts.

Maybe she wouldn't be hurting financially NOW if she hadn't taken all those expensive trips YOU couldn't afford. :shake: Your sister sounds like a very spiteful, hurtful person. Dont' let her play mind games with you. She clearly has problems and knows that she has problems. She probably is also aware that you are more responsible than she is so she rips you down to make herself feel better. If I were you, I'd try to put some distance between you for your own well-being. Sorry you are suffering so much. :hug:

[BabyMine]

Maybe she wouldn't be hurting financially NOW if she hadn't taken all those expensive trips YOU couldn't afford. :shake: Your sister sounds like a very spiteful, hurtful person. Dont' let her play mind games with you. She clearly has problems and knows that she has problems. She probably is also aware that you are more responsible than she is so she rips you down to make herself feel better. If I were you, I'd try to put some distance between you for your own well-being. Sorry you are suffering so much. :hug:

I do put distance between us. Our whole family is dysfunctional and that is including DH's. I think DH and I are the only semi normal people (and that says a lot). She is supposed to be my older sister but it has never been that way. She started being bitter when I was in 1st grade. DS and DM both need therapy. DS is trying to find the money to go and DM has always scoffed at it. DH and I are very careful when we have either side of the family over becasue they can be toxic. Thanks for the hug.

[gatorsmom]

Just the fact that you are worried about everyone in your family shows how much more mature and thoughtful you are. Hugs again to you. Family issues are so hard and complicated. I hope you can find some peace with this.

[hillview]

BTDT. After giving my parents a LOT of money over a few years, we stopped. They moved in with us (we purchased a 2 family). Make sure you are thinking about the impact of her moving in with you -- that sounds like it could create a bad dynamic for you and your family ...
/hillary

[longtallsally05]

My mom has had a hard life. Money has always been a focal point becasue of what she has been through. She has always helped me and my sister out when ever we needed it and we were alway grateful. When she was making 6 figures she didn't save but helped my sister out way too many times.


Her condo maintenance is due Oct 1st. I could pay it and be late on all my bills and not get tires for my car or not pay it.

If I had a really good savings I wouldn't care but we don't.

Don't feel guilty! Rhis is about making choices and living with the consequences.

Your mother helped you &b your sister because 1) she is your mother and that is what parents do for their children and 2) she could afford to do it. She may not have saved, but she didn't do without because she helped you.

You are in a different position. You can't help her out without hurting yourself. If you paid her bills, you would be going without things you NEED to keep you and your family safe (tires for the car) and hurting your credit by paying your bills late. You don't have savings, and you can't pull the $ out of thin air. Remind her that you have offered to let her live with you; it is her choice to stay or move. You have done all you can except deprive yourself and your family, and that is not something that you would have to do in a healthy relationship. Offer love, empathy and emotional support, but don't offer what you don't have ($$$).

You can't do anything about whether or not your sister helps; that is on her. I wouldn't borrow trouble there; I'd stay out of it.

Sorry you're going thru this. Be strong.

[JBaxter]

You NEED to pay your bills on time.. you NEED to get new tires on your car If you have some money left over then send it. You should NOT feel bad or NOT do things for your children because your mother is hard headed. She sould come live with you for a year and get back on her feet financially. Rent her place out she can always go back.

[infocrazy]

Your mother helped you &b your sister because 1) she is your mother and that is what parents do for their children and 2) she could afford to do it.

Tell her that you appreciate everything that she did for you and your sister and that you need to make sure YOU can do the same for YOUR children. Offering her a place to stay while she finds a job is what you can do for her.


She owns without a mortgage thank goodness. My DH works and I am a SAHM on SSD.

Could she take a home equity loan or do a reverse mortgage *I know nothing about these but have seen them advertised* to get some spending money or will she behave irresponsibly with the money and dig the hole deeper?


I think if you pay this bill, then your just putting off the inevitable, as there will be another bill in the future that she can't pay.

Agreed.

[Mommy_Again]

You HAVE to put your immediate family (DS, kids) first. HAVE TO. You cannot sacrifice your credit (late bills), your safety (tires), or basic childhood experiences (soccer), to bail out someone who has been irresponsible. I know this is so hard, and you feel a great sense of obligation to your mom. But she is an adult and if she won't take the help that you CAN offer, you shouldn't feel guilty. You're not an ATM machine. I'm so sorry about this, but your mom and sister both sound toxic and even though they are "family", sometimes its best to just distance yourself for the sanity of your marriage, your relationship with your own kids, and your relationship with yourself.

p.s. you are NOT a bad daughter and for making you feel that way, SHE is a bad mother. I seriously cannot believe the destructive and hurtful things people do to their kids. It's sick.

[MamaMolly]

Your mother helped you &b your sister because 1) she is your mother and that is what parents do for their children and 2) she could afford to do it. She may not have saved, but she didn't do without because she helped you.

This is exactly what I was going to say, too.

You are being emotionally manipulated by your mother and sister to do something you KNOW has the potential to harm your immediate family. It is really, really hard to avoid that trap, but you can do it. And IMO you should.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this spot.

[maestramommy]

I would not put my own financial situation in jeopardy to help your mom. She actually has two workable options to choose from. Does she have a good reason for not wanting to move? Haven't read the responses yet, but I wouldn't pay her bills.

[BabyMine]

I would not put my own financial situation in jeopardy to help your mom. She actually has two workable options to choose from. Does she have a good reason for not wanting to move? Haven't read the responses yet, but I wouldn't pay her bills.

She said she would bother our family and we would fight becasue of the close quarters. The first 9 years of my life we lived in a 1 bedroom place.
I told her my sister can move from her 1 bedroom to a 2 bedroom apt(already OKed it with sister) and she said no becasue season is coming and jobs should be available. I haven't talked to her in a couple of days but I have given her choices.

[Kaylee31]

Why doesn't your sister move into the condo w/your mom and put her rent money towards helping pay the condo fees? Is that not an option? Could she use the equity in her house to get a small loan to keep her afloat for a while? Since your mother owns her place outright, I can understand why she wouldn't want to move & give it up. Who wants to start over in middle age? And I can understand why she wouldn't to live in close quarters with your family, because it might cause fighting and she could feel trapped. BUT- you offered to help in the best way you could and she refused. You shouldn't feel guilty or obligated to do any more. It's not your responsibility to solve their problems, you have your own family to worry about.

[BabyMine]

Why doesn't your sister move into the condo w/your mom and put her rent money towards helping pay the condo fees? Is that not an option? Could she use the equity in her house to get a small loan to keep her afloat for a while? Since your mother owns her place outright, I can understand why she wouldn't want to move & give it up. Who wants to start over in middle age? And I can understand why she wouldn't to live in close quarters with your family, because it might cause fighting and she could feel trapped. BUT- you offered to help in the best way you could and she refused. You shouldn't feel guilty or obligated to do any more. It's not your responsibility to solve their problems, you have your own family to worry about.

My mom lives 2 hours away so that isn't an option. She is going through bankruptcy so she doesn't have the money to get an equity line and if she doesn't have the money to pay the rent they will foreclose. After we lost or dog a couple months ago I was talking to her about getting another one. She told me that animals are expensive and I could use that money to help her out. I love her with all my heart and I know she has been through a lot. She has been disowned by her father and abused by her mother. None of her siblings talk to her so my sister and I are her only family. It breaks my heart to not be able to help her but you all are right and I have to do what is best for my family.