What to do. Got any advice for me?

[mom2one]

We are new to CA area and DS met a friend(we will call him K) in June at a soccer camp. The mom was nice and said she could totally relate about needing to make friends as they moved almost 2 years ago to the area. We have some playmates over the summer and the boys have gotten along well.

School gets ready to start and we find put that K and DS will be in the same 1st grade class. Yeah, my DS will start school with a friend.

School starts and K has lots of friends and wants to play with all of them at different times, but not so much my DS. I realize they are only 6, and helping my DS meet and make more friends is not K's job. So I try to talk to my son about making new friends everyday and play with different people, etc.

Well K mom sends me an email tuesday that my DS is bothering K. That he won't leave him alone, that he pulls K away from playing with other friends,that he unties K shoes, and other little things. So she says we will chat about it at pickup.

So I go to pickup and apologize on DS behalf, tell her I will talk to DS. Her son,K, runs out of the classroom and whispers in her ear that today was a much better day with my DS. So she says maybe these things will work themselves out. I decide not to talk to DS and see how things go.

FF to today. I pick up DS from school and teacher wants to talk to me. K mom wrote teacher a long email a out DS and K. Teacher tells me she has not seen any of this in the classroom, at it must happen at recess and lunchtime. She talk with the campus team who watches over these and tells them that these two can not p,ay together anymore.

I just want to say that I am so hurt at K mom. first she emails me instead of calling and now she emails the teacher. I mean give me a break. We just moved and he has no friends and I AM TRYING.

I so don't want to talk to this woman again or have my son play with her son ever again.

And on another note, I am taking him to talk with an education psychologist next week. I do believe with all the stress, the move, etc. that he is not adjusting as well as one could. Just from talking on the phone the dr says it is clear he is dealing with separation anxiety. And k's mom knows all of this.

[Sillygirl]

I would be hurt, too, if it were my son. What a witch of a woman. Maybe just try to see this as a good thing, that you clearly won't be hanging out with this family socially.

[egoldber]

Wow. Hmm. Well, I do feel for you because my kid is typically the one that is bothering other kids. I am sure they go home and complain to their parents about her sometimes.

However, we have also been on the receiving end and I think it it totally appropriate for her to e-mail the teacher to be on the alert for this behavior and to do what she can to intercede between them. IMO that is an appropriate request for a parent to make of a teacher. She may or may not know what you said to the teacher. There also may have been more recent events that you are not aware of.

However, I think is was completely inappropriate for the teacher to have shared with you with the other mom told her/wrote to her. I am sure that mom never dreamed you would find it and would likely be mortified. But IMO she has a right to ask the teacher to watch out for her DS and to make sure that things are going well for him as well.

I so totally feel your pain. In addition to having anxiety and struggling socially just in general, my older DD started a new school this year. She is doing well, but it is soooo hard to break into a new school with an existing social set and make friends.

ETA: I also think it is important for a teacher to be aware of these dynamics in the classroom and to be a partner with you and K's mom. That way she can be aware of what is going on and even help your DS in not annoying K or help him to re-direct if he starts up the behaviors again. And many times teachers are not aware of these more subtle dynamics because they play out during less supervised times: recess, lunch, etc. I would encourage you not to think of it as "telling", but as getting the teacher involved in helping the boys to work things out. I think it's a lot to expect 6 and 7 year olds to do this on their own. JMO.

[happymom]

First of all, I'm so sorry. This woman is being ridiculous and totally obnoxious! What a way to welcome someone new to the community. I would be very hurt too. I don't have any real advice except to say that you probably don't want your son to be friends with her child anyways. I'm sure there are nicer children with normal parents who will be better friends for you son.

I think it's very smart that you called the school psychologist. Adjustments can be so hard.

[niccig]

Wow. Hmm. Well, I do feel for you because my kid is typically the one that is bothering other kids. I am sure they go home and complain to their parents about her sometimes.

However, we have also been on the receiving end and I think it it totally appropriate for her to e-mail the teacher to be on the alert for this behavior and to do what she can to intercede between them. IMO that is an appropriate request for a parent to make of a teacher. She may or may not know what you said to the teacher. There also may have been more recent events that you are not aware of.

However, I think is was completely inappropriate for the teacher to have shared with you with the other mom told her/wrote to her. I am sure that mom never dreamed you would find it and would likely be mortified. But IMO she has a right to ask the teacher to watch out for her DS and to make sure that things are going well for him as well.


I agree with Beth. We're in the middle of a similar situation. DS has 2 friends from last year and lately the other 2 have not been getting along. One boy was getting hurt and saying he didn't want to school because of what was happening, so his mother did tell the teachers, and the two boys aren't allowed to play together. I know the other mum is upset that the teachers were involved as she was working on the situation, but you can't let a child continually be bothered/hurt by another child. Things can escalate pretty quickly. By separating the two boys, the teachers are hoping they can take a break from each other, work on social skills while interacting with other kids, and hopefully be back as friends.

I'm sort of in the middle of all of this, as DS plays with both, and the 3 mums all hang out together. I can see both sides. I would be upset if my DS wasn't given much of a chance to change his behaviour, but if DS was the one being hurt I would want that to stop immediately.

My DS hasnt' been involved in any of this, but I'm encouraging him to form friendships with other kids as well - it'll be good for all of them to have a number of friends.

I hope you DS can form other friendships and settle into his new school and life here in CA. Can the teacher help by pairing your DS up with other children during class activities.

[citymama]

That sucks. How awful for you and your DS! She sounds incredibly immature. Sounds like your DS got very attached to this kid and instead of encouraging him to befriend your DS, she's participating in isolating him. I'm so sorry.

[ThreeofUs]

So sorry you're going through this! And I'm sorry the teacher shared about K's mom's email with you; that hurts and it's really unprofessional.

With that said, our DS1 had no idea how to make and keep friends when he first started school and would do inappropriate things to make the people he liked pay attention to him. The teachers (who were heavenly, bless them!) helped him learn the right ways to join play.

While this is the school's role, it doesn't sound like they are going that route. Maybe you can get him in with a psychologist who could do that for him? He could probably really use the help right now.

Hugs to both of you!

[Tondi G]

WOW... that is so sad that this woman feels the need to interfere with her 1st graders social interactions at school this much. I would think it would be up to her DS to work things out and if your child is bothering him to take it up with the school yard monitors and his teacher. As you said it isn't taking place in the classroom so it is minimal... during recess and lunch. Just makes me sad for your DS. My older DS went through a change in schools half way through Kindergarten and didn't know any of the kids in his class. His teacher and the people out on the school yard did nothing to help him feel involved and he was so depressed. When he cried to my husband and I that he had no friends and no one would play with him we knew it was not the right school environment for him. He went back to his neighborhood school and fit right back in with all the friends he had made, like he never left. It sounds right to me that your DS is feeling some separation anxiety and clinging to the one child he knows. When that boy won't play with him, he resorts to being annoying to try and get his attention (untying his shoes etc.). When new kids join my DS's school/class we always make it a point to tell our DS to be friendly and try to make the "new kid" feel welcome. He knows what it felt like to be a "new kid" and always makes an effort to try to be friendly with them. Did the teacher say she would do anything to try to help your DS form new friendships? Maybe sitting him next to another little boy in class that she thinks might be a good fit for him? I hope your DS makes some new friends and leaves this little boy and his nasty mom in the dust!!!! HUGS and Good Luck!

[MamaKath]

I also think it is important for a teacher to be aware of these dynamics in the classroom and to be a partner with you and K's mom. That way she can be aware of what is going on and even help your DS in not annoying K or help him to re-direct if he starts up the behaviors again. And many times teachers are not aware of these more subtle dynamics because they play out during less supervised times: recess, lunch, etc. I would encourage you not to think of it as "telling", but as getting the teacher involved in helping the boys to work things out. I think it's a lot to expect 6 and 7 year olds to do this on their own. JMO.
:yeahthat:
I have a kid that can appear well adjusted in many situations with kids at school, but come home and obsess over interactions with one or two kids. To the point of interrupting other activities. It is something that has caused longer term issues in adjusting for him. I might do the same thing the other mom did. The teacher is part of a team; you, dc, the other students and the other parents in reality are on the same team. All of you have a common goal of having the students learn and grow in the best possible way. If the school is not aware of the situation, they are unable to help your child adjust and make friends in a way that will benefit him as well as being unable to help the other child. Now they are aware and can help both kids. IMHO reframing how you are viewing the situation and the intentions of the other mom might really end up being helpful to your son.

You;ll be in my thoughts, social stuff is so hard for early elem kids!

[niccig]

WOW... that is so sad that this woman feels the need to interfere with her 1st graders social interactions at school this much. I would think it would be up to her DS to work things out and if your child is bothering him to take it up with the school yard monitors and his teacher.

I think it depends on the amount of bothering that is going on, how long it's being going on and how the child being bothered is reacting. If the child is getting very upset about what is happening, then I can see a parent stepping in to let the teacher know about the situation. Ideally the child will tell the teacher/yard monitors, but at 6 and 7 not all kids can speak up.

I don't know the full story of what happened with the OP's child and his friend. I don't know if the other child has been midly annoyed, or annoyed to the point that he's having issues with going to school. I don't know if the other parent emailed the teacher as a FYI this is going on and I think they boys need help to sort it out, and the teacher decided on her own to separate the boys and not at the request of the other parent.

If I hadn't seen what's unfolded with DS's 2 friends these last 8 days of school, I too would have read the OP's post and thought the other mother has over reacted. But having been in the middle of what unfolded, I can see how difficult it can be when 2 children aren't getting along at school. I posted for advice here about our situation and I agree with the responses I got that both kids have immature social skills and need help to deal with the situation. Us mothers tried to have all 3 boys be inclusive and play together, but it backfired as the 2 boys are just aggravating each other. Separating them was the teacher's choice to give them breathing room. For now, we're doing separate play dates as my DS gets along well with both boys. I'm also not judging either boy or parents - it's really awkward though as the relationship is strained between the parents, and we're in the middle.

OP, I hope it gets worked out and your DS makes many friends at school.

[mom2one]

I thank you all so much for your support and help. I guess it boils down to the fact that I am hurt that the mom can not talk to me face to face about this. I was also hoping that ds and K would be best of friends, I guess not. I guess I thought the mom of K and me would be great friends too. I hate moving and making new friends.

I tried talking to ds about all this over dinner - quiet and calmly. He could not really give me
any info on what took place at school today. I told him he just needed to find other friends to play with - I listed a few from his class and a few from soccer team that he would play with at recess. His comment "I will sit all by myself at recess and have no one to play with."

I find that hard to be true, but I will ask one of the monitors that I met to let me know what is going on, her son is in same class as DS.

If anything great happens Friday, I'll post on update for you. Do they sell the twisty straws in bulk?

[BayGirl2]

I just want to say that I am so hurt at K mom. first she emails me instead of calling and now she emails the teacher.

I wouldn't take the email vs. calling thing personally. Some people just tend to go to email vs. the phone. I personally rarely call someone if I have their email, I would at least email them to set up a time to talk on the phone. I feel like phone calls are very intrusive, whereas email respect the person's choice of time to respond and fits better into my own schedule

I know that's a peripheral issue, but just wanted to mention it. Good luck with your DS.

[niccig]

I thank you all so much for your support and help. I guess it boils down to the fact that I am hurt that the mom can not talk to me face to face about this. I was also hoping that ds and K would be best of friends, I guess not. I guess I thought the mom of K and me would be great friends too. I hate moving and making new friends.


If anything great happens Friday, I'll post on update for you. Do they sell the twisty straws in bulk?

I can see that you were blindsided by all of this. I understand being hurt. :hug5: I agree email probably wasn't the best way, but I know I would have trouble talking wiht someone about this situation, maybe it was the easiest way for the other mum to bring it up.

I think you're dong the right thing for DS seeing someone to help him with the transition. Can you ask the teacher to pair him up with another child, give you the names of some other kids for play dates? Give it some time and K and your DS might start playing together on the playground.

[egoldber]

I also would try not to take the e-mail conversations personally. I am the type of person who sees e-mail as an extension of conversation. There also some conversations I prefer to have via e-mail. Maybe it's the INTJ in me. ;)


I would think it would be up to her DS to work things out and if your child is bothering him to take it up with the school yard monitors and his teacher. As you said it isn't taking place in the classroom so it is minimal... during recess and lunch.

I truly could not disagree more. While this would be ideal, there is NO WAY my 9 year could do this now without coaching, much less when she was 6. That is a lot of social skills to have put together in order to do that.

Many 6 year old children WOULD have those skills. But not all of them do. There is no problem with a parent making a teacher aware of a school social situation, because these types of things definitely affect children in the classroom. And as MK said, the school is your partner in this.

Also, as the parent of a child who had issues "mainly just at recess and lunch" those down times are VERY important to children's self esteem. Who sits with whom and who plays with whom are very.big.deals especially when you don't have anyone to sit or play with. A child who is stressed or anxious about this can cause a lot of trouble for themselves if they make social missteps. And these are also stressful times because they are in loud, crowded environments where the social cues were learned for most kids the year before: how to go through the line, how to make sure that you have a partner to sit with, etc. For some kids this is incredibly stressful, especially when a new kid in a new school who is already stressed. And IMO many lunch monitors are just trying to keep the system running smoothly and don't always notice or are not always that skilled in helping kids during these times.

I would also encourage the OP to contact the school counselor to let him/her know what is going on. I communicated several times with the counselor at our new school over the summer. I let her know that my DD had anxiety, that she was nervous, etc. The counselor took her on a private tour of the school so she would be more comfortable, explained to her how things worked at recess and lunch, and once school started she set up "lunch groups" for her so she would have someone to sit with.

The school counselor is there to help with exactly these types of situations. The school has resources, so why not use them?

Good luck OP. I truly do feel your pain. It is very hard to watch your child struggle with those social skills that other children seem to pick up so naturally. But my DD's therapist told me, if your child was struggling in math or reading, you would get them help. If they are struggling socially, you give them help. Not hovering or micro-managing, but help.

[cilantromapuche]

egoldber has the best advice! As the parent of a socially struggling kid, I second the use of school resources.
I think that as a parent teaching a kid life skills, you need to put your feelings on the side and help people at school help him deal with it because that is life, ykwim? My goal is to prepare my child for life and having others help makes it not an us vs. them perspective.

[wellyes]

And I'm sorry the teacher shared about K's mom's email with you; that hurts and it's really unprofessional.ITA! I don't think it was wrong of her to email the teacher but I do think the teacher should have handled it with more discretion and should not have brought you into it the way she did.

I also wouldn't take the email vs calling thing personally. It is such a hard topic to talk about. If it were me, I'd be tempted to email vs call just because I want to be careful in how I talked about the situation to avoid hurt feelings or saying something harsher than I meant. I'd also think of it as giving YOU time to digest the message instead of blindsiding you with it - like the PP I find phone calls can be intrusive. But by the same token she should be very willing to talk to you in person in response to the message.

I'm sorry your transition isn't going as smoothly as hoped. Many many many kids deal with these sorts of friendship issues, it's totally normal. Good luck.

[Mommy_Again]

We had an almost identical situation here.

DS is in 1st grade and it's his third year at the school, so he knows everyone. New kid (NK) joined the class about a week late and I met the mother who was very nice. I told DS to lookout for NK. DS told me NK was SOOO annoying, always following him around, talking to him too much, and bugging him. I told DS to think about how scary it would be to go to a new school where everyone knew each other already, and you didn't have any friends. I told him that while he might be annoyed by NK, I really wanted him to be as nice and inclusive as possible because that is what it means to be a good person with a good heart.

Fast forward 2 weeks, DS loves NK now, they are total buddies, and having a playdate next week.

SHAME on that mom for missing an important life lesson with her DS and not teaching him compassion and kindness. I am so sorry for your DS. Entering new situations is scary enough for adults; image if you were only 6. Ugh. Hugs to you guys!

There are certain things kids need to learn to work out by themselves. Kids are so fickle at that age - best friends one day, can't stand each other the next, and then back to besties again. I don't feel the need to run to teacher everytime my DS complains. If he doesn't like how he is being treated by kids, I teach him to stand up for himself and say "please don't do that to me." Sure, there will be times when I'll need to get involved, but how can our kids ever learn if we're always solving their problems for them?

[TwinFoxes]

I think a lot of posters are assuming the K is a perfectly happy, well adjusted boy. When in fact he may have issues that he's dealing with, and the added pressure of having OP's son follow him may be pushing him over the edge. I get what PP was saying about being in the same situation, but we actually have no idea what K's situation is.

OP, I understand why you're hurt. It sucks. :( But just because K's mom informed the teacher doesn't mean she was doing it to be a b**ch. She may have genuine concerns about what's going on in her son's life that we don't know about. :hug:

[egoldber]

There are certain things kids need to learn to work out by themselves. Kids are so fickle at that age - best friends one day, can't stand each other the next, and then back to besties again. I don't feel the need to run to teacher everytime my DS complains. If he doesn't like how he is being treated by kids, I teach him to stand up for himself and say "please don't do that to me." Sure, there will be times when I'll need to get involved, but how can our kids ever learn if we're always solving their problems for them?

So given that we are all speculating about what is going on, why do you think that K's parents have NOT done this? Surely this is the first thing that would do, yes? But what if this doesn't work. What if they don't work it out and there is still conflict. What if his best 6/7 year old efforts at communicating to OP's son that he does not want to play continue to be ignored. What should the parent do then?

When an issue comes up with your child in elementary school that the child does not seem to be able to handle on their own, despite your best coaching, what should the next step be? Repeatedly we are told and advise people to talk to the teacher. They are there in the class with the two boys and can best facilitate the next step of working things out.

But we don't actually know what K's mom said in her e-mail. We don't actually know what K is thinking or feeling or experiencing or what he is communicating to his parents. We do know that the OP's son is still struggling to find friends and find his way socially several weeks into the school year. Why not talk to the teacher about that?

I am truly blown away by the number of people who assume that the mom communicating with the teacher is bitchy and out of line.

[fivi2]

snip

I am truly blown away by the number of people who assume that the mom communicating with the teacher is bitchy and out of line.

ITA. I feel bad for OP and her son, I really do. But if it had been K's mom on here posting that her son was unhappy at school, and she had tried to address the situation by communicating with the other mom, I feel certain that most people would advise her to talk to the teacher.

I think the teacher handled it poorly, and I can understand why OP is upset, but I am not sure what else K's mom should have done. The teacher is the one there all day. The parents are getting he said/she said reports from 6 year olds. I think it is great that the adult who is present (the teacher) now has a heads up and can hopefully monitor the situation.

OP - I do hope your son is able to adjust to the new school. My nephew changed schools between K and 1 and it was a tough transition for him. He did make it work eventually, but it took some time.

[Green_Tea]

I am truly blown away by the number of people who assume that the mom communicating with the teacher is bitchy and out of line.

I am blown away by this too, especially since the party line on this board in particular seems to be to take every last concern/issue to your child's teacher and not back down until you're satisfied with the resolution. I am certain that if the mom who sent the email had visited this board with her dilemma, "Get in touch with the teacher ASAP!" would have been the resounding chorus.

[Mommy_Again]

So given that we are all speculating about what is going on, why do you think that K's parents have NOT done this? Surely this is the first thing that would do, yes? But what if this doesn't work. What if they don't work it out and there is still conflict. What if his best 6/7 year old efforts at communicating to OP's son that he does not want to play continue to be ignored. What should the parent do then?

When an issue comes up with your child in elementary school that the child does not seem to be able to handle on their own, despite your best coaching, what should the next step be? Repeatedly we are told and advise people to talk to the teacher. They are there in the class with the two boys and can best facilitate the next step of working things out.

But we don't actually know what K's mom said in her e-mail. We don't actually know what K is thinking or feeling or experiencing or what he is communicating to his parents. We do know that the OP's son is still struggling to find friends and find his way socially several weeks into the school year. Why not talk to the teacher about that?

I am truly blown away by the number of people who assume that the mom communicating with the teacher is bitchy and out of line.

None of us know what K and his mom have done or what the note said - so much of this thread is based on speculation. My comments were based on many assumptions, many of which might very well be incorrect. I did say, however, that there are times when a parent needs to get involved - my point is just that I personally believe that the child should make the first effort in solving their own problems. Teachers and parents make a great team and there are times when it is essential for them to work together to rectify an issue. However, I think when it comes to social issues, we should be coaching our children to find solutions and at least make an attempt at working it out on their own - if that doesn't work, then by all means, bring in outside help.

[mom2one]

Well today seems to have been better. I asked the teacher at the end of the day how things went. I was told that K came over to my ds and played with him several times. Teacher also said that she asked the monitors to please help my ds make friends as he is new to the area /school. I am glad for that.

Thank you again for all the good advice and points of view. I am sure with the help of the educational psychologist, our family will learn more ways to help ds adjust and make new friends.