Avoiding dinner with the neighbors - WWYD?

[maylips]

We live in a tiny subdivision where the homes are at least 2 acres apart. Most of the lots are sold, but there are only about 4 houses built at this point (we live in a vacation area, so a lot would be second homes that people probably can't afford to build in this economy).

Anyway, we have a set of neighbors who live "up the mountain" from us (our subdivision sits on the side of a mountain; there is one road going up and it goes right past our house).

Okay, I've dragged this out....but long story, I got to know the woman because she is Jehovah's Witness and kept coming to my house to enlighten me. I'm a people pleaser, so it took me forever, but I finally got up the nerve to tell her that we're going to have to agree to disagree. I didn't see her for a long time after that, except for the occasional wave as they drove by up the road.

She randomly stopped by the other day and wanted to set up a time for us to come over for dinner. WHA??!?! She and her husband are probably 15 years older than us, so we really have nothing in common in life - different stages, different backgrounds, etc. I managed to hold her off for awhile, but they stopped me again today as I was driving and asked again for a couple of weekends away. I do not want to go, but again, I'm a people pleaser, so I have no idea what to say. I'm getting to the age that I just don't want to say yes when I mean no.

I'm finding it's very different to make up excuses to people who SEE if you're home, SEE if you're busy, and SEE your schedule of coming and going. And I don't want to make it awkward since we all live near one another. But they are weird people and I really don't want to go....but don't know what to say.

Advice?

[bubbaray]

I'm so sorry, we're really busy. <change topic -- how about that weather>

[Gracemom]

Dinner is a long time to spend at someone's house that you're not too fond of. If you don't want to burn bridges (since it's good to have a neighbor who will keep an eye out for you) maybe you can suggest coffee instead. You could blame it on the kids who just won't make it through a whole dinner. People like that are tough, but good for you for letting her know about the religion thing. I'm a people pleaser too but I'm definitely getting more forceful in my old age! I think it's easier when you have kids and you want to do the right thing for them as well as yourself. Good luck!

[AlbrightRC]

Not sure how to get out of this but I have to wonder if this dinner is just and excuse to try to convert you. I'd stay far far away.

[hillview]

Dinner is a long time to spend at someone's house that you're not too fond of. If you don't want to burn bridges (since it's good to have a neighbor who will keep an eye out for you) maybe you can suggest coffee instead. You could blame it on the kids who just won't make it through a whole dinner.

I'd do this!

[JustMe]

I'm getting to the age that I just don't want to say yes when I mean no.

I'm finding it's very different to make up excuses to people who SEE if you're home, SEE if you're busy, and SEE your schedule of coming and going. And I don't want to make it awkward since we all live near one another. But they are weird people and I really don't want to go....but don't know what to say.

Advice?

I know what you mean as I have been through the age when I wanted/needed to stop saying yes when I meant no. I tend to think that you should not have dinner, coffee, or anything else with her. I think I would just say sorry, you are not available right now, you are so busy with family life...and even though she may "see" you are busy, leave it at that and let her draw her own conclusions. If she asks follow-up questions, just continue to be vague...like, we need our family time right now, thank you for the invitation, but I will have to say no, etc.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm so sorry, we're really busy. <change topic -- how about that weather>

:yeahthat:

I have no desire to have dinner with someone who is 1. Not someone I want to be friends with, and 2. trying to convert me to a religion I have zero interest in. I would have no problem saying "I don't see us having in free time in the near future. Hope you're having a great autumn!" and driving off. It'd be different if your kids were BFFs, but random neighbor? No problem at all saying no.

[BayGirl2]

Dinner is a long time to spend at someone's house that you're not too fond of. If you don't want to burn bridges (since it's good to have a neighbor who will keep an eye out for you) maybe you can suggest coffee instead. You could blame it on the kids who just won't make it through a whole dinner. People like that are tough, but good for you for letting her know about the religion thing. I'm a people pleaser too but I'm definitely getting more forceful in my old age! I think it's easier when you have kids and you want to do the right thing for them as well as yourself. Good luck!

I'd go this route. In fact, I'd probably offer to do coffee or a drink an MY house, so I have control over the situation. I'm all for building good relationships with our neighbors, for many reasons, and I think there is some kernel of good/commonality we can find in anyone. Its possible that once you get beyond the religion discussion there is something you have in common, and if nothing else its better to have a neutral relationship than negative.

That said, I wouldn't subject myself to an entire dinner at their house, especially if its not something you want to do. (Kids are a great excuse you can use for why this is difficult for you.) In fact, I would probably offer to host ALL the neighbors (there are only 4, right) at our house for a brief, casual gathering. That takes away the opportunity for her to spout religion while sustaining the sense of community that is important for security reasons.

[gatorsmom]

I think just keep coming up with excuses that you are busy on such and such night, the kids get cranky after 8pm and start throwing things, etc. I would NOT invite them to dinner because then how would you ever get rid of them???

You know, I"ve had wonderful experience in the past with getting rid of Jehovah's Witnesses. I am Catholic and I simply say that if they want to discuss religion, they have to listen to me first. I also mention that I've studied Catholic Apologetics (defense of the faith) and they back away after that. I've never had to get into a discussion about it. :)

Honestly, I think that you can absolutely be passing friends with them- not all religious people are scary and some can even make for good neighbors, but simply continue to be firm and friendly and say, "That would be a very long discussion and we don't have time that right now." You just have to take control of the conversation. And then change the subject.

[edurnemk]

Not sure how to get out of this but I have to wonder if this dinner is just and excuse to try to convert you. I'd stay far far away.

My thoughts exactly. Maybe she already got the message, but who knows? I like the idea of doing coffee instead (if you want to remain in good terms with her, if not just say no) and jokingly make a comment like "but lets promise to not discuss politics or religion" or something that lets her know upfront you are not open to another conversion attempt.

I hate when people put you in awkward positions, BTW, GL!