Possibly tricky situation involving religious friends

[niccig]

The other day DS asked me about heaven. We're spiritual but no particular religion. I told DS what I believe and that people believe different things, and he can decide when he's ready what he believes. I ask why are you asking about this. He had spent the afternoon with a friend and they are religious, and his friend had talked about heaven.

Today I pick the friend up to take for a playdate and I'm not even out of their driveway and he's telling DS to ask me something. DS is saying no, his friend has to say it. I ask the friend and he says he was upset about something earlier in the day and doesn't want to tell me. That's fine. A few minutes later he then asks if I believe in heaven. I told him I don't, I didn't tell him what I do believe, but I did say that people believe different things on this and that is fine. He can believe what he wants, I can believe what I want and my DS can believe what he wants. He then asked me "so your DS can believe something different to you" and I said Yes he can. He asked DS, and DS said he didn't believe in heaven. He asked if DS believed in Jesus and DS said a little bit. Then the friend said "well if you believe a little bit then maybe a bit of you can go to heaven. I hope it's not your feet, as feet are stinky. If it's your feet then I'll ask Jesus to swap that bit for your head." We all laughed, and I left it at that. I think the friend was worried that DS won't go to heaven.

I'm now a little concerned that I said that DS can believe something different to me. It is true for me, but I'm not sure if friend's mum would be OK with her son believing something different at this age. And I may just have put that idea into his head - he was surprised when he asked me if I was OK with DS believing something different.

I also wonder how I'm going to navigate this part of the friendship - we don't go to church, believe in god or pray. I don't say anything about another person's beliefs, and I don't think the friend's mum would say anything about our beliefs being wrong, but her son might - he's only 6 and trying to work things out. I also don't want DS to say someone else's belief isn't right either.

I think I need to have more conversations with DS about different religions and people can believe different things.

[mommy111]

I think you are being very sensitive about the entire thing and handled it beautifully. I do think what I'd be more concerned about here would be to make sure that DS doesn't feel deprived of 'heaven' given his friend is making such a big deal about it. So make sure he's really comfortable when he says he doesn't believe in it and so reinforce that whatever his beliefs may be, he does not have to be 'peer pressured' into believing in heaven (or hell).

[bubbaray]

I don't think you have to make a big deal out of it at this age. I would just say everybody believes different things and that's OK.

[mommylamb]

I think you handled it well. So well, that when this comes up in my household (as I'm sure it some day will), I'll remember this thread.

[egoldber]

I think you handled this just fine.

IME, ages 5-7 is when a lot of kids "discover" that other people believe different things than their own family (not just religion). Many kids ask a lot of questions about it, but it's only a way to process this for themselves.

[pinkmomagain]

I think you did a fantastic job! Don't worry about what you said. Now if the boy goes home to his mom to discuss how you and your ds can believe in different things, it is up to his mom to explain what is right for their own family.

[poohbear]

I don't think you have to make a big deal out of it at this age. I would just say everybody believes different things and that's OK.

:yeahthat: You are teaching tolerance, which is one of the most important things we can teach our children. If we all taught our kids that everyone believes different things and that we need to respect each others' beliefs even when they are different from our own (and just because someone may believe something different than we do, that doesn't make their beliefs wrong), this world might be a better place... Sorry, soapbox...

[arivecchi]

I think you did a great job. I have been wondering how to approach religion too. I was brought up Catholic but want to give my children the ability to analyze religion for themselves and choose what to believe in.

[mommy111]

:yeahthat: You are teaching tolerance, which is one of the most important things we can teach our children. If we all taught our kids that everyone believes different things and that we need to respect each others' beliefs even when they are different from our own (and just because someone may believe something different than we do, that doesn't make their beliefs wrong), this world might be a better place... Sorry, soapbox...
:bighand::bighand::bighand:

[mamicka]

Well, I weigh in since I'm one of the more vocally religious posters & many people find me "intolerant".

I don't think there is any problem with what you said to the other boy. People *do* believe different things & so you told him the truth. :thumbsup: As much as I *want* my kids to believe the same as I do, I can't make them believe. I can't think of any Christians that I know that would think otherwise, so AFAIK your comments were just fine.

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. I had a follow up conversation with DS about the situation explaining that he doesn't have to believe the same as his friend. I also told him if his friend keeps talking about it, and DS doesn't want to talk about it, then DS doesn't have to. And I asked him to come and talk to us if he has any questions about what his friend says. I want DS to be respectful of other people's religious beliefs, but if he doesn't want a conversation about it, then he doesn't have to talk about it.

I do think the friend was worried that DS wasn't going to be in heaven with him. He did tell DS that he has to believe in Jesus, and I think it was in the context of then going to heaven. I explained to DS that is what his friend's family believes, but I/DH believe something else and that we want DS to decide for himself.

I'll just take things as they come up. I agree that it's the age of questions.

[kijip]

I do think the friend was worried that DS wasn't going to be in heaven with him. He did tell DS that he has to believe in Jesus, and I think it was in the context of then going to heaven. I explained to DS that is what his friend's family believes, but I/DH believe something else and that we want DS to decide for himself.


I remember being very anxious about if my friends were going to heaven or not. I was raised in a very religious home. The worst was when a friend, who was not religious in anyway, died. I was 11 and after some time just decided that there must be more to the story, my friend did not go to hell. My parents, who are very tolerant, progressive types told us that others believed differently and but they did not address this heaven and hell issue at all. It was a big dilemma for me as a child. I don't think I ever spoke to anyone about it but I do recall staring blankly at some deacon at my church who told me that at least my friend had gone to a better place and then my brother chiming in "but she was not a Christian". And the deacon having absolutely no response.

[niccig]

I remember being very anxious about if my friends were going to heaven or not.

Katie, I can imagine the friend feels this way. He sounded relieved when he said a bit of DS would go to heaven if a bit of DS believes in Jesus.

I don't know if we'll have further discussions - I do hope the friend is talkign to his mum and Ds will talk to me as they navigate this.