Your definition of bullying

[niccig]

I'm in the middle of a difficult situation at school - DS isn't invovled but his 2 friends are not getting along, and apparently haven't for a while. The parents of the child getting hurt say the other child is bullying their child. The other parents say they child needs to stop hurting the other child, they fully acknowledge that, but he's not hurting the other child to be mean, it's lack of social skills and frustration - and they're working on that. They're upset their child is being called a bully.

I've been asked by both parents if the child bullies my child. The child has hurt my DS, but it's not a regular occurenece, and I know my DS has pushed/hit when he shouldn't. The occasions I have seen, the boy hasn't hurt DS with mean intent, but out of frustration/anger. Totally unacceptable behaviour. But is that bullying???

Anyways, this has all got me thinking about what bullying is...

Thanks for your input.

[kcandz]

What you describe with your DC does not sound like bullying to me - as you say, the first, emotional response from frustration or anger is physical. To me, bullying is either (a) singling out another child for repeated unprovoked aggressive acts or (b) trying to assert "leadership" in a school community by intimidating as many other children as possible, and then using that "leadership" status, wholly unearned, for self-created priviledges, like first dibs on the monkey bars, etc. It would seem to me that (b) doesn't happen much with teacher supervision in playgrounds, but that (a) can because no adult's eyes can be everywhere at once, every day.

All of this is my estimation, luckily my family has not had to deal with bullying so far.

[wellyes]

Hitting someone in anger isn't bullying, it's assault. I think of bullying as having a social element - the bully shaming or gratuitously displaying power over the victim.

[mytwosons]

DS1 was labeled a bully in preschool for pushing, when it was a lack of social skills (that we were working on). I do think the bully label is overused.

I've seen the same thing in elementary. The schools aren't providing any social skills training for kids unless they have qualified for special ed. Well, I think most kids could benefit from social skills training and it's the kids who could use a little bit of help that I see acting out and "bullying". DS1 has two friends who get along about 80% of the time, but then one child acts out. I think he is still learning how to be a good friend, but I've heard him labeled a bully and bipolar.

[egoldber]

Well, I have seen kids as young as K that are bullies. But in general I agree that for it to be "bullying", then there needs to be some sort of targeting of specific kids for the purpose of making that child feel bad or excluding that child.

This is a good site: http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/what-is-bullying.aspx There is a section for both kids and adults. Here is their definition:


Bullying is aggressive behavior that is intentional and that involves an imbalance of power or strength. Typically, it is repeated over time. A child who is being bullied has a hard time defending himself or herself. Bullying can take many forms, such as hitting or punching (physical bullying); teasing or namecalling (verbal bullying); intimidation using gestures or social exclusion (nonverbal bullying or emotional bullying); and sending insulting messages by e-mail (cyberbullying).

My older DD is at times considered a bully because she does not pick up on social cues and invades others personal space. She also will lash out when very frustrated. But OTOH, this is often the result of other kids tormenting her, because they know when they tease her it gets a rise out of her.

All that is merely to illustrate that figuring out the social dynamics of what is occuring can be very complicated. I do think that the bully label is overused. I have a friend whose DS has been labeled a bully, when in reality he has some pretty severe needs and the school is NOT working with them at all. It is very frustrating for her to be the mom of "that kid" and everyone assumes you are doing nothing, when in reality she tries harder than anyone I know! But these social skills can take a long, long time to develop.

Honestly, if I were the parent of the child being hurt, I would probably sever or drastically reduce contact with the other child. Even if it isn't technically bullying, I don't think it is good for either child to be placed repeatedly in a social situation where the 2 kids do not get along if there is not going to be direct adult supervision at all times.

[TwinFoxes]

I agree with other posters that it doesn't sound like it meets the technical definition of bullying. But to the other little boy, it probably feels a whole lot like bullying. :(

[smilequeen]

I would go against the grain and say that yeah, at the moment that kid sounds a little bit like a bully. He's being mean, specifically to one child and by that age, the majority of kids DO have the skills to handle situations better than that (as compared to a preschooler). I think a lot of cases of bullying can be attributed to a lack of social skills and frustration. I think the parents can be proactive and make sure the child gains the social skills and coping skills neccessary to keep him from becoming a full fledged bully though.

[crl]

I would not call that bullying. But I also think that separating the kids may be a good idea.

My son sometimes has social skills issues, albeit a different reaction, and he can get stuck in a bad pattern of relating to others in some counterproductive way. When that happens, it is important to intervene and change the situation somehow, because he can't seem to change his behavior otherwise.

For him, taking a break from the kind of situation that is a problem seems necessary. (Of course, while trying to provide other social settings and some coaching on better approaches.)

Catherine

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. I do think that arguing over whether this situation is bullying or not, is a matter of semantics. The behaviour has to stop.

The mum asked me to check in with DS, and DS told me a incident that is very similar to what has happened to the other boy. I asked DS if he got upset about what his friend did, he said NO as the other boy stopped when DS told him too and he only hurt DS a little. I told DS that he could have been hurt more, he was pulled off the monkey bars while hanging upside down, and DS said he knew that but he wasn't, so he told his friend to stop it, but didn't tell me or the teachers as it didn't happen again. He was very non-perplexed by the whole situation. It didn't hurt, his friend stopped so no need to get upset. I have a very easy going child, and that's all his Dad. So, not me!

I talked to the mother, related DS's incident and she was very apologetic. She's asked me to keep checking in with DS and let her know. I do think they're going to work on things, it's not a case of ignoring the situation, but having confirmation from another child seems to be needed. I don't know why, I suppose no one wants to think their child could be hurting another child.

I also told DS that he has to tell me these things.