Different parenting styles between you & your spouse

[twowhat?]

I'm just curious how common it is to have a parenting style so different from your spouse that there is tension over it.

Let me preface this by saying that I am lucky to have a DH who is so involved with the kids, isn't one of the guys who thinks it's a burden to "babysit", and pulls his weight when it comes to caring for them and keeping the house in order.

But he and I have HUGELY different parenting styles. To where we get in fights over it. All the time. He is a yeller. I am not and the yelling has gotten to where it bugs. the. crap. out of me. Not just because I think it's totally ineffective (I mean, if you ALWAYS have to yell, doesn't that tell you that yelling isn't effective??), but because it puts HIM in a bad mood. Anyway the details here aren't really important. There is nothing wrong with his style of parenting. And who's to say that I'm right and he's not? It really irks me though that I am the one who put effort into reading the parenting books and looking at the research and he hasn't. I feel like I should get more say in it (I know this sounds terribly selfish - flame away). It is getting to where I almost wish he were one of the DHs that wants nothing to do with the kids!!

In some ways I think it's gotten worse simply because of the ages of our kids - 2 years old. And two of them. And yes, the twos are terrible.

So does anyone else deal with this problem? And how? My first inclination is that it's fine for parents to have different parenting styles - as long as they don't fight over it in front of the kids or try to undermine each other's efforts. But how do you actually do that? And how do I get myself to where it doesn't bother me so much? I find myself constantly intervening ("Don't yell, just tell her once and if she doesn't listen, get up and move her away from the off-limits object"). And to be fair, I know that it bugs. the. crap. out of him as well when I'm always "messing" with his efforts.

[gobadgers]

DH and I face some of the same challenges, I feel like I could have written your post! It is undoubtedly a blessing to have a DH who cares, who takes an active role with the kids, etc... But there are so many times I find myself wishing that my DH would just take my word for it rather than having his own opinions on everything. Honestly, a lot of raising kids is common sense but there are many things you can't just take an educated guess - you have to LOOK IT UP (or trust in your wife who has LOOKED IT UP), and there are times DH doesn't do either of those. But I digress!

Anyway, we struggle with the same issues, and not always successfully. My best advice is to actually write down the issues that bother you during the day, and talk about them at night. DH is usually much more receptive to talking about these issues in the evening, and I feel a little more even-keeled by that time too ;) But I think its also important to be consistent about limits, and he will let them get away with some things that I wouldn't. As long as no one is going to get hurt or die, I don't say anything during the day anymore. We just try to come to some basic conclusions that are enforced by both of us, i.e. "If DS throws food, the meal is over", "If DD slams a door, she loses one book at bedtime", etc... so at least the consequences are the same. I try to remind myself how grateful I am that DH is willing to get his hands dirty with the kids, even if he does things differently.

Oh, I am also working on creating a friendly atmosphere for DH to ask questions without facing any snarkiness from me (not saying you have this problem - it is mine to deal with). Because it really drives me nuts when he does something that qualifies as dumb, and then claims, "I just wasn't sure so I did X,Y,Z" and I'm left wondering why he didn't just ask me.

[niccig]

I think you need to talk about the environment you want your children brought up to get on the same page.

Yelling is a huge one for me. I grew up in a house where everyone yelled and got hit. I am not having DS experience the same. My DH isn't a yeller, I'm the one, so I have to work on me. In your shoes though, I would sit down with DH and explain why you don't want yelling by ANYONE, and come up with a strategy that you can both do for discipline. Have you tried Magic 1-2-3, that helped me try to reform my yelling ways as it gave me another option.

Another one is expectations - often we expect our kids to do something that they're not developmentally ready for. It's our exceptions that are wrong and not the kids behaviour. I think the baby center emails about your child's development have helped both DH and I with that.

[MoJo]

Had some of this discussion this past weekend with DH. No advice, just a "you're not alone, and two years old is quite a different challenge than 1!"

[hillview]

DH and I have different styles too. I actually will yell more which may or may not bug him (and something I am not proud of and am working on) and he doesn't follow through. SIGH.
/hillary

[wellyes]

DH used to be a yeller, but we talked about using a raised voice for emergencies or safety situations - like when she's trying to run into traffic or getting too close to a hot oven. She has to know to STOP immediately when she hears one of us yelling, it can't be something she learns to semi-ignore.

We definitely have different parenting styles. I nurture; he is both more playful and more commanding. It's irritating, to be honest. She obeys him more than me, and she never has "carry me because I am too distraught to move" meltdowns with HIM because he never gives into them, while they're almost daily with me. But I think it's inevitable that each parent will have a unique relationship with each child.

[truly scrumptious]

So does anyone else deal with this problem? And how? My first inclination is that it's fine for parents to have different parenting styles - as long as they don't fight over it in front of the kids or try to undermine each other's efforts. But how do you actually do that? And how do I get myself to where it doesn't bother me so much? I find myself constantly intervening ("Don't yell, just tell her once and if she doesn't listen, get up and move her away from the off-limits object"). And to be fair, I know that it bugs. the. crap. out of him as well when I'm always "messing" with his efforts.

DH and I have very different styles, too. Not the yelling, but there are definitely times I see him handling something in a way I disagree with.

The big key for us is to avoid correcting each other in front of DS. This is challenging, because sometimes it looks like the other person needs help, and so you offer a "helpful suggestion" which ends up sounding like criticism. So we try to avoid "helping" when one of us is having a situation with DS unless the help is asked for.

Then we do what gatorsmom suggested, and talk about it (after DS has gone to bed, and we are calmer.) Honestly, if whatever DH did seemed to work (even if I disagree with it) I try not to say anything - I know, easier said than done. If it is something that didn't seem to work, or he seemed to get really frustrated, or I REALLY disagree with his strategy, I'll usually open the conversation with - "DS is really starting to do XXX often. We should come up with a strategy to deal with it, so we don't get frustrated when it happens. I find that doing YYY really helps in that situation." This will usually start a discussion so we can feel like we have a plan that we are both on board with.

GL!

[egoldber]

FWIW, I don't think that yelling is a valid parenting style. And I say that as someone who has a tendency to be a yeller. :o It's generally a sign of being frustrated and feeling out of options. I also think that having developmentally inappropriate expectations is a big part of it.

In calmer moments I would try to discuss with him different tools and ways of dealing with them.

My DH gets very frustrated at times with my older DD and yells at her. She has some habits that totally drive him insane and it's like he can't control himself. But it really makes her feel bad about herself, and we have had numerous conversations about how he needs to NOT yell, but instead remind in a normal tone of voice.


In some ways I think it's gotten worse simply because of the ages of our kids - 2 years old. And two of them. And yes, the twos are terrible.

I really think you should not underestimate this. The stress of having two 2 year olds has got to be enormous. Different people have different tolerance levels for things like noise and just the jabbering of two kids simultaneously. I have to admit that this is what sends me personally over the edge. The kids arguing amongst themselves, or bickering at me, especially when there is other background noise just drives.me.bananas! And that's when I yell. Knowing this, I work hard on controlling it, but it is a daily struggle for me.

[marge234]

I think you need to talk about the environment you want your children brought up to get on the same page.

Yelling is a huge one for me. I grew up in a house where everyone yelled and got hit. I am not having DS experience the same. My DH isn't a yeller, I'm the one, so I have to work on me. In your shoes though, I would sit down with DH and explain why you don't want yelling by ANYONE, and come up with a strategy that you can both do for discipline. Have you tried Magic 1-2-3, that helped me try to reform my yelling ways as it gave me another option.

Another one is expectations - often we expect our kids to do something that they're not developmentally ready for. It's our exceptions that are wrong and not the kids behaviour. I think the baby center emails about your child's development have helped both DH and I with that.

I wonder if you could tell him you've heard of this 123 book. Friends whose kids also XYZ (whatever he's yelling about) have found it helpful. Ask him if he thinks it's worth looking into. You want him to read it first and he likes it you'll also read it.

[luckytwenty]

I agree that yelling is not a parenting style. It's a mistake. DH never yells and I occasionally screw up and yell if I'm pushed to my limit, and apologize to my children when it happens because it's wrong.

DH and I watched the Dr. Karp video, "The Happiest Toddler On the Block," when our oldest went through the terrible 2s. Not only did this video help, but it made us feel like we were learning to figure out parenting together. Approaching it as a team is really a great way to get on the same page. If you're coming at it like, listen, dude, you're screwing up and I'm not, so follow my lead, he might resist. But if you say, "We need to figure something out with our kids! Want to investigate some approaches together?" you'll likely get a parenting partner out of the situation, and that will pay off big time in the long run.

[elephantmeg]

we had similar issues and we watched the 1-2-3 magic video together. It made a world of difference. Every now and then we get it again from the library for a refresher

[twowhat?]

OK, any advice for getting DH to watch a video or read a book?? I've tried suggesting that before. He says he will but never does, of course. I think he's of the "our parents and grandparents didn't read parenting books and we turned out just fine" type. Which I can understand - reading/not reading a parenting book doesn't necessarily make you a good parent. But I would love for him to read or watch SOMETHING to get some perspective. I think he feels like I'm nagging if I suggest that he read something. I have no idea how to get him to want to read something on his own (and he has to WANT to do it on his own, not do it just because I want him to - hahahaha - just like a toddler).

But I think the bottom line is that when he is pushed to yelling (he doesn't always yell - it happens when he gets frustrated which, when you're dealing with 2-year-olds, can be often), then HE gets frustrated which creates a vicious cycle of grumpiness and frustration for the rest of the day. I've tried to give suggestions to him to avoid yelling, and put it in the context of "I can tell that you get frustrated, and there are ways to deal with it without frustrating yourself" and he agrees that he doesn't like to yell because it makes him feel bad. But so far nothing has changed:)

[luckytwenty]

Can you counter that just because you guys turned out fine with the way you were parented doesn't mean you can't do an even better job than your parents? After all, carseats didn't always exist and it used to be that people thought smoking was OK during pregnancy and that formula was better than breastmilk (and we're talking 1950s formula, not even today's stuff with the added nutrients), and most people turned out "fine" but we still as parents in the year 2010 do what we now know is better. So why should discipline be any different?

[edurnemk]

Another one is expectations - often we expect our kids to do something that they're not developmentally ready for. It's our exceptions that are wrong and not the kids behaviour. I think the baby center emails about your child's development have helped both DH and I with that.


Had some of this discussion this past weekend with DH. No advice, just a "you're not alone, and two years old is quite a different challenge than 1!"

I sometimes yell, but not frequently. DH is not a yeller (he's more passive aggressive when he's upset). However he has very unrealistic expectations of how a 2 yo should behave, he does not get the concept of "age appropriate behavior". Also he sees positive discipline, positive reinforcement, etc as spoiling. And that's what we argue about. He nags me about "spoiling" DS and since he travels SO much, I deal with DS 98% of the time, so he thinks he's going to be a brat if I "continue to go against" his ideas of parenting. The man has NEVER opened a parenting book, I tell him to read up so he knows what's normal and what's not at this age, but he doesn't do it.

So you're not alone in this. I really think it comes down to talking about it without the kids present and having realistic expectations.

[dogmom]

I think it is normal for two parenting styles, however it can cause conflict between parents. I think it is an issue for the kids if one parent undermines another parent, but other than that it works well. My DH likes to call his parenting style "The Prick" method, he's pretty autocratic, but the kids don't ask he 50 times for the snack he said they couldn't have, like they do me. Then on the 25th time they ask I'm the one screeching like a banshee at them. None of his friends would expect him to be the discipline guy. He's great with the kids, loving, supportive, and I think it does benefit for them to have both of us in the house. I lot of the stuff I used to think, he's not being understanding and caring enough for the kids when they were younger I know look back on and think "what was the big deal?" Things do change when kids get older, and lots of dads do better with older kids than younger kids. (I am amazed that my DH, who hates sports, will spend hours working with our son on sports.)

The best suggestion I have is to turn the conversation around to your DH. Don't make it what's right or wrong for child rearing, but how it make HIM feel when he's screaming at them. Does he really want to be that way? Are there things you do that makes you think, "Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this?" Share those with him.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

OK, any advice for getting DH to watch a video or read a book?? I've tried suggesting that before. He says he will but never does, of course.

if it's a video, then maybe u can say something like "why don't watch this parenting video together" and one night watch it when the kids are asleep (rather than asking him to watch him on its own). with my DH, it would be the same problem... if i ask him to read a book or watch a video on his own, he'd reluctantly agree but would never do it. but if i insisted on watching a parenting or self-help video together he'd be more willing, i guess bc it's something to help *both* of us, and it's not like he's the "bad one" that needs help, KWIM.

[BabyMine]

We had bid time differences in our styles. We were already in therapy so we addressed those issues there. DH and I were both brought up in homes that used spanking as punishment. I didn't want to repeat that with our DC but DH didn't see any problems with it ( he never spanked them though).

In the beginning I would always interfere when DH would interact with the kids and discipline. I learned that I need to stop that and have him learn his own ways to deal with issue that arise. I would rest in the bedroom while he played with them and while it killed me to not go out and correct him I learned to just let them be. He finally found his "style" and we built our parenting from there. He became more relaxed and was much more confident therefore his yelling stopped and we learned to try different techniques.

There are times when either of us catch ourselves yelling or just need a break. We will let the other know when they need to take a break and come back when they calm down. We are now tag team parenting and talk about how we are going to handle the issues that arise. I can't tell you how much therapy helped becasue he didn't feel attacked.

[sonnynyc]

My DW and I differ since the baby is born even in terms of interacting--I fear when he's older at your LO's age (since she's more the yeller than me :).

I was just reading an article in the latest Parenting magazine...yelling doesn't exactly work because it gets everyone worked up (as OP indicated her DH doing), plus the kids zone you off. I think it would help if your DH can read the article...

On the other hand, yelling IS a tool at your disposal. Just don't overuse it or make it the go-to method.

[maestramommy]

So does anyone else deal with this problem? And how? My first inclination is that it's fine for parents to have different parenting styles - as long as they don't fight over it in front of the kids or try to undermine each other's efforts. But how do you actually do that? And how do I get myself to where it doesn't bother me so much? I find myself constantly intervening ("Don't yell, just tell her once and if she doesn't listen, get up and move her away from the off-limits object"). And to be fair, I know that it bugs. the. crap. out of him as well when I'm always "messing" with his efforts.

Yeah, I wouldn't intervene in the moment. I'd wait til the kids are in bed, some time has passed, and heads are cooler to mention that you disagree with your Dh's handling of a situation. My Dh and I rarely disagree, but when we do, we almost never say anything until it's way over. Sometimes I do something that Dh is really uncomfy with, and vice versa, but we just stay quiet, and in the background until it's well over. Then we talk about it. Usually, when the kids are already in bed.

ETA: The only time we intervene is when we think the other person is missing a piece of info that is determining their strategy.

[twowhat?]

Thanks all, I'll be trying some of your suggestions!



I really think you should not underestimate this. The stress of having two 2 year olds has got to be enormous.

And thanks for this, I needed to hear that. I think most people just don't get how hard it actually is, or they get all preachy and say things like "If I can do it, so can you". But ha, they don't have twins. And it's not a matter of having 2 two-year olds that are independent entities (i.e. two is twice the work of one). They INTERACT with each other and on top of dealing with each individual child, you are dealing with refereeing their interactions with each other, or their reactions to each other, all while they are both on exactly the same developmental track, wanting and needing the exact same things at the exact same times. It's more like "two is thrice the work of one".