I am Room Mother'ing with a Lunatic.

[Fairy]

I dunno what to do about this one. My room mom partner in DS's K class is ... nutty. I put my name on the list with the other 8 moms who signed up never thinking I'd get picked, yet I did. I am spread sooooo thin, I dunno what I was thinking. I was not thinking, that's what it was. Well, when they called me, I said ok but decided to turn it down; but then I met the other room mom that got picked, and she was great, so I said, ok, I'll do it. Well, that was a mistake. I've been doing tihs for 5 years at DS's private day school, and I know what I'm doing. My approach is that the teacher is the boss, we don't do things she says no to. Other chick's approach is the opposite, she's beholden to us -- and she hates this teacher. Also, this teacher is a first time teacher, second career (she's maybe 35) with 2 kids under 5 at home, herself, and she has 2.5 hours to get everything done in a class. For me, I'm cutting her some slack, cuz there have been some issues, but these things happen. Other chick is fit to be tied, hates this woman. Great.

To further muddy the waters, the PTO is telling us one thing, the teacher is telling us another, and it's clear those two entities are not talking. Taht's a problem.

The big problem for me is that:

* She's a screamer ("WE'RE GREEK! THAT'S HOW WE TALK! I YELL, IT'S JUST MY WAY!!!") Really? Cuz you're kind of scaring me, and I don't work well with people yelling at me.

* She wants things her way and doesn't think the teacher should get a say in the room parent stuff. Like we were told to get volunteers for a field trip by the PTO, but then the teacher said she didn't need chaperones on that trip. I figure, ok, no problem, but other chick is having a screaming field day over it. The PTO said to bring in halloween treats for the party, the teacher (apparently) said no, and I'm thinking ok, whatever the teacher wants i can adapt to, but other chick is treating this like WWIII. Yeah, it sucks no food, but why does this have to be SUCH a big hairy deal?

* The PTO said this role is 2 parties a year and nothing more. LIARS. I have to put a silent auction basket together, I have to scrounge for $$ all the time for things OTHER than the two parties, and there are things out there that I just don't even know abotu yet cuz I was warned after the fact taht they lure you in and then stick you with everything.

* I haven't even gotten to the issue with a list of email addresses. Other chick wanted to send it hard copy in the backpacks, teacher said no email sharing. Other chick screamed at her, I then followed up with a calm phone call explaining that the list is only for moms who want to arrange playdates, bday parties, etc. Nothing related to teaching, and I could even send it out bcc: to everyone confirming their permission to share first and get it out of the backpacks, and she said oh, that's no problem. Other chick is very angry cuz she already wrote a letter referencing the list and doesn't wanna change it. I don't get the big deal.

I want out. But I don't want to saddle this poor teacher with this woman, either. Teacher ain't perfect, but if she were me I'd be coming home crying every night having had to deal with this other room mom on a daily basis (which is what she's had to do). Again, I want out. But I feel like that's running away and sticking this teacher wtih the loony. I dunno what to do.

[arivecchi]

Can the three of you have a sit-down to discuss how to work together more effectively? If things do not improve, I would ask to be replaced. I get that you don't want to saddle the teacher, but really, I would not want to add all of that stress to my life.

[Fairy]

Honestly, I don't want to have a sit down. I cannot handle being screamed at. I don't mind adapting and compromising and doing things in whatever way I'm instructed to do them. It's not my show, I'm playing a role that is directed by the PTO & the teacher. That's fine. But this other chick is really, frankly, stressing me out. Even if I'm 100% in the wrong, the fact that this chick communicates via shouting match is not good for me. So, my inclination is to run away and let someone else deal with this cuz I truly don't need it; but that would do this poor, imperfect teacher who could be doing a better job but isn't given alot of support to do that better job absolutely no good.

As I wrote this, the other chick just called me. I didn't ansewr. I let the machine get it. That's how scared of her I am. I guess I better go listen to the message.

[jess_g]

Can you involve the PTO in this? Maybe have a meeting with the PTO and the room parent and the teacher and talk about what exactly is expected of the room parents and let the teacher talk about what she does and does not want for field trips and parties and such. Then at least the PTO will know what is going on and have some say in the matter. It realy sounds like the other mom has some control issues. -J.

[crl]

Can you replace yourself with one of the other people who volunteered, but didn't get picked?

Catherine

[zoestargrove]

oh what a disaster! I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I was stressed just reading this post. I understand you don't want to saddle the teacher with this woman, but you definitely don't need the added stress to your already busy life. What about discussing with the head of PTO? Perhaps she can clarify the role and responsibilities of the room mom to this other woman.

[BabyMine]

Can the teacher replace the lunatic?

[Tondi G]

I would speak to the teacher and explain the situation to her ... that you like her and that the other room parents is a PITA. You would love to stay on and help but that it is just too much and your personalities clash.... and that you are sorry she will be stuck with the screamer alone as her room parent.

I would also speak to someone with the PTO and let them know that there is a lot of conflicting information coming from them... causing issues with the other room parent etc. They need to get their facts straight before they tell you guys one thing when it is in fact another (ie the field trip etc).

I know the feelings you are having cause I have joined the board of our parent organization and it's kinda nuts. I want to help out at my children's school but it is a major commitment. If you can replace yourself with another mom on the list then thats what I would push for!

Good Luck

[justlearning]

If I were you, I would say that you have too much on your plate right now to continue in this position, especially considering that you didn't realize how much work and interaction time it would involve.

It's very kind of you to worry about leaving the teacher to deal with the other crazy woman on her own, but that's her job. The teacher needs to figure out how to set boundaries with the woman and also to solve the problems related to the PTO giving out wrong info. I don't think you should have to endure crazy woman calling you just to try to help out the teacher.

Last year I volunteered to be the room parent only because no one else did. But then a few weeks later, I found out that my dad had advanced cancer. I realized that I would need to be flying out of state a lot to help my parents and I couldn't continue in the room parent role any longer. So, I found another mom to take over, volunteered to help if needed, and then quit the position. I never felt guilty about that or wished that I had continued as room parent.

I don't think that you should feel guilty quitting either. Nor do I think that you should try to find another mom to help crazy woman because that's not fair to the other mom! Let the woman be the room parent on her own and let the teacher figure out how to deal with her. That's my suggestion... :)

[Fairy]

Called the other chick back with my hands over my eyes hoping for the best. We agreed to let her do the gift basket and Halloween party, and I will do the holiday gift and V'day party. And we're going to have a meeting with the teacher this week to all get on the same page. And I secretly called the PTO lead to explain the miscommunications and understand what she thinks our scope is before that teacher meeting happens. And I've also decided to leave the role and let someone else take over. I lied to the other chick when she asked if I was upset with her and said, NO! No, of course not! I just am so confused with the right hand not knowing what the other is doing and us in the middle (which is true) and that's all there is to it (which is not). Cuz I'm weak. And I can't deal with it. So, I'm going to saddle the teacher ... and some other poor unsuspecting mom. I feel bad. but I can't do it. Can. Not. Do. It. And that's where I'm currently at.

[bubbaray]

Get the principal to replace the lunatic. Seriously, the TEACHER should not have to be screamed at by a parent as an employee -- Here, that would be considered workplace harassment and it is taken VERY seriously. Now, you should not have to be screamed at either. I would tell her that you don't care if she is Greek, Purple, Pink with green polka dots. If she screams at you one.more.time, you will hang up/walk away. Period.

As for the email list, I did one earlier this year. I did NOT ask for permission from the teacher to do the list, but I DID ask for permission to post it on her door so that parents could sign up if they wished. I stressed that it was for playdates, etc. I also provided the teacher(s) (we actually have 2, 1 for 4 days, 1 for 1 day) with a copy, just in case they wanted it. They were THRILLED. DH did it as a PDF, in school colors. It looks really sharp. Its easy to read and much nicer than the official printoffs that the District gives them I would suspect.

[BabyBearsMom]

I am with you Fairy. Just say "you know, after these first few weeks, I'm realizing that my schedule really doesn't permit me to give this classroom the time and attention it really needs" and walk away. Letting loonies into your life just adds unnecessary stress. Get out as soon as you can. I know that sounds like a quitter, but I am a happy quitter.

[MontrealMum]

Honestly, I think you've made the best decision. No way you should have to deal with that. And neither should the poor teacher, but it's not your responsibility to put up with wackjob mother just to protect her. Hopefully the PTA may do something now that you've told them as well.

[hellokitty]

Walk away, there were 6 other parents on the list. Let one of them deal with the crazy mom. Just tell the teacher that you are stretched too thin and don't feel you will be able to give enough attn to being room mom.

[ellies mom]

Wow! Seriously, that woman has no business being a room mom. The room is the teacher's. Not the PTA's. The teacher's rules and wishes come first. It is not up to the room mother to decide how the room is ran. If I was the teacher, she'd be out of my room so fast her head would be spinning.

[California]

Even though you are opting out (and who could blame you-- my gosh-- it's a volunteer role, not punishment!) would you be brave enough to gently talk to the teacher about "letting go" the room mom for incompatible personalities? She could get the principal to sit in on the mtg. for extra support. (You wouldn't be there!) Being a room parent is a volunteer role and there's absolutely no reason for it to be as stressful as what you are describing. If I were her I would be bringing in the principal for sure and asking for the child to be switched to a different class, because I'd be concerned the parent would accuse me of something and make my life more miserable.

[brigeet]

You definitely need to worry about yourself before you worry about the other mom or the teacher. The teacher will figure out how to deal with this lady with or without you. It's a part of the job! You being there isn't going to keep the other room mom from being crazy. If the nutty room mom brings candy, then hey, at least the teacher has a valid and specific reason to get after her or have the principal talk to her. She isn't exempt from the school district's privacy and health policies (in our district those rules are district-wide, not just school-wide), plus those rules are in place for a reason. Anyone's first year teaching was very tough. You have to put in lots of extra work to learn the curriculum and create bulletin boards, activities, assignments. Obviously the teacher needs people who will help and not hinder. It's crazy how parents can be tougher than the kids sometimes!

[Fairy]

Even though you are opting out (and who could blame you-- my gosh-- it's a volunteer role, not punishment!) would you be brave enough to gently talk to the teacher about "letting go" the room mom for incompatible personalities? She could get the principal to sit in on the mtg. for extra support. (You wouldn't be there!) Being a room parent is a volunteer role and there's absolutely no reason for it to be as stressful as what you are describing. If I were her I would be bringing in the principal for sure and asking for the child to be switched to a different class, because I'd be concerned the parent would accuse me of something and make my life more miserable.

Well, I had a private conversation with her the other day, and I said that I was on her side, but she and the PTO were giving us mixed signals and if she could get with the PTO on some open questions, that would be great. However, since that time, I've realized that other chick is nutty. And here's the thing, she's not really bad. She just is a yeller, filled with alot of drama, and is not compatible with my personality. I can get along with anyone. ANYONE. But I can't work with someone like this. I've also since learned that this chick HATES the teacher. There was an egregious incident that, if accurate, is not good and the teacher is at fault. But again, I don't know the whole story from all sides and want to stick my head in the sand on ths one. I just don't have the cycles. Finally, I learned this afternoon that other chick goes into the school at least two or three times a week for "meetings" with the teacher and principal. Uh oh. I've had zero meetings with anyone. She's been there at least 8 times now. That's insnae. So ... I'm pulling out. Talked to the PTO chick today, and she says no one has resigned before and she has to figrue out how to let me do that and get the role re-assigned. Say what?! So, I'm just hanging out here till they get their act together.

Thanks for all the suggestions and advice. I AM walking away. And ya know, this is not that big a deal; good that I know now. It's not like a major incident has erupted I've had worse days. I can think of a recent trip to Costco, for instance. But I see where this is going, so bye bye before it gets truly yucky.

[MamaMolly]

I've also since learned that this chick HATES the teacher. There was an egregious incident that, if accurate, is not good and the teacher is at fault. But again, I don't know the whole story from all sides and want to stick my head in the sand on ths one. I just don't have the cycles. Finally, I learned this afternoon that other chick goes into the school at least two or three times a week for "meetings" with the teacher and principal. Uh oh. I've had zero meetings with anyone. She's been there at least 8 times now.

Oh man, I feel for everyone as a mama and as a former teacher! I'm just curious, is there another classroom her child could be moved into? I think if I *hated* my child's teacher and there were an egregious incident involved I would be moving heaven and earth to get my child reassigned to a different classroom. Perhaps you could plant that little bug in the other mom's ear? :loveeyes:

As for waiting for the PTO to figure out how/if they can 'let you resign' or what ever, I say if you are going to quit then just quit. What is the PTO going to do? Form a posse and drag you into the class party? You need to officially get out of the position before word gets out that this other mom is a nutjob and no one else will take it over for you. Run for the hills, Mama!!!!

[Fairy]

Dude, I can't even run for the hills cuz she's following me! Can I just tell you, I brought DS to the bus, came back, made b'fast (it's my day off), and just wanted to take a 2 hour nap before I had to go get him at the bus. But I couldn't, you know why? Cuz she called me six times. SIX TIMES. I was like, is this chick for real?! Leave me a frakkin' message and move ON!

Turns out that there was a big misunderstanding between her and the teacher that was driving alot of the craziness around the room mom stuff (her issues with the teacher are separate and ongoing), and so alot of what I was dealing with around her is all moot now anyway.

Still? I'm out.

[bubbaray]

Wow, dude, sooooo sorry. I don't think any misunderstanding really excuses SCREAMING (and then saying its because she's Greek).

I hope you get that nap in.

[arivecchi]

OMG, she seems to thrive on drama. Glad you are out.

[SnuggleBuggles]

How are room parents selected at your school? Perhaps a better policy needs to be in place. If there is such a bad teacher/ parent dynamic then that room parent assignment shouldn't have happened. Last year we had sign up sheets in each class and often only 1-2 people signed up. There were 2 teachers that only had 1 sign up and they knew it wouldn't be a good working relationship. It fell upon the room parent coordinator (me) to figure out an alternative then find a way to spin the decision so there were no ill feelings towards the teacher but maybe towards me or the PTO. I would much rather someone dislike me than think the teacher didn't want them. This year we didn't have sign up sheets for all teachers because some wanted to avoid any possible drama. They just asked me to contact some parents they knew they would want to work with. As a room parent, the job is to support the teacher and make their lives easier. I don't like PTOs that try and exert some control over the process. My role is to help them find a good room parent, however that may be. Would your PTO be open to thinking about how people are selected- and how to remove room parents that are a hindrance not a help?

Beth