Difficult situation--Girl Scouts WWYD

[blisstwins]

I will try to keep this simple.

One of my dearest mom friends started a Daisies troop at a local public school. She invited my daughter to join. Our daughters are great friends and we want to nurture that connection as much as possible.

Our daughters do not go to the same school.
Neither goes to the public school where the Daisies meet, but her daughter used to go there.

My friend was kind of set up as troop leader--she offered to help, then the coordinator and others backed out and left her alone with all responsibilities. Part of why she wants us in the troop is to given our children scheduled time together, but also she wants me, someone she knows she can count on for help, to be involved.

So I called the Girls Scouts, as my friend told me to do, and was placed in her troop.
But the coordinator at the school wants the troop closed to outsiders. She wants only students from that school, with the exception of my friend's daughter and one other child who also used to go there. My friend said it would not be a problem, the woman was only worried that students from the school would be shut out, but since they had room it was a non-issue.

It was not a non-issue. After the meeting, while I was near my friend, the coordinator grabbed her and they got into it. I did not even realize it was about us. My friend was coming over for dinner and when I called her 1/2 hour later she was still there with the other moms who were backing her up because they think I am nice and want me in the troop. By the end of it, the coordinator supposedly apologized to her, and the others moms like me....but I feel totally uncomfortable and don't really want to go.

My friend does not understand that this is totally awkward for me. I want to join a troop where we are welcomed, not tolerated. I don't want other moms deciding it is OK for us to be there because I am nice and helpful--why do they have that power?

But, my daughter loved it and gets to be with one of her best friends and my friend really wants me to go.

WWYD? Am I being super sensitive?

[sunshine873]

I don't think you're being super-sensitive, I'd be a little thrown as well. But I think you should focus on the fact that everyone in the troop itself really fought for you & wants you there. It's just the one person at the hosting school that made a stink & she was over-ridden.

If you enjoy it, I'd stick with it. Once you're established (which I'm guessing you are now after this little battle) they're not going to kick you out. It sounds like a good place for your daughter, and like a good thing for you and your friend to do together.

[ehf]

The coordinator owes YOU an apology...but I wouldn't hold your breath.

Other than that, I wouldn't say that you are tolerated--I'd say that the other moms vehemently stood up for you. They weren't really exercising their power just to do so. I'd feel affirmed that they stuck up for you and feel okay about that.

What I'd worry about, a bit, is similar to what the coordinator is worried about, though. What are the procedures for joining this troop? What you don't want to have happen is that it's an amazing experience all year, but then next year more kids want to join and suddenly there's "no space" for your daughter. It makes sense to me that the "rules" have to be somewhat consistent so that the other moms don't end up in the position you feel they are in now--of making powerful, cliquey decisions about who gets in or not. I don't know enough about the Girl Scouts--do they leave admission totally to the discretion of the troop leader?

That being said, it's so likely to be a non-issue, and your daughter loves the troop so much, that I'd just roll with it for now. I've found that a lot of times (though, granted, not all) these issues die out when it becomes clear over time that there just isn't a problem.

[pinkmomagain]

I'd be upset by that incident, but I wouldn't let it stop me from sticking with the troop and moving on from the situation. Clearly everyone is happy to have you and dd there. Your dd enjoys it. And you get to spend time with a dear friend.

[shawnandangel]

I would stick with it although I would definately be thrown off, like you. I don't think it's so much a testament to the other moms power over you as it is a testament to how strong a group they are. Obviously they saw what was happening as wrong and fought to correct it.

I would also stay because of how much your daughter enjoys the troop. Give it some time, I'm thinking this was your first visit? If after going for a month or two you still don't feel comfortable, I would go back and reevaluate if the benefits outweighed the negatives.

[blisstwins]

We only went once.
My daughter loves her friend and that is why she enjoyed the activity. The space the troop has is awful (a hallway essentially) and I did not especially like the other moms. Of course I would always help my friend and I am a teacher so it is in my nature to assist kids, but I kind of hate that them "allowing" us to be there is because I can help. What if I need to drop my kid off sometimes and pick up like the other moms? There were arguments made for why I should be allowed to come that did not center on the fact that 1) we are not the only "outside" family (the others two used to go there, but don't anymore) and 2) can a public school or the girl scouts be exclusive?
Ultimately, we probably will go back b/c my daughter loves her friend and I don't want to hurt my friends feelings, but I hate this and REALLY do not want to go back. It is just not fun. It is a new and disorganized troop, it meets at a bad time, and I don't like going where I feel unwelcome.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd be upset by that incident, but I wouldn't let it stop me from sticking with the troop and moving on from the situation. Clearly everyone is happy to have you and dd there. Your dd enjoys it. And you get to spend time with a dear friend.

:yeahthat:

That's kind of how I have been handling a lot of things. I care most of all about the people my kids immediately interact with. Even if I think the director of ds2's preschool isn't the nicest person around, she does a good job and I keep interactions with her to a minimal. And we joined Cub Scouts despite all my political stances b/c I took ds1 once and he just loved it! So, I have decided that the people the boys deal with are what I need to focus on and not get too overwhelmed with every experience and interaction that might have me making a different choice.

It sounds like a nice troop. It's a silly policy and the coordinator was out of line.

eta- just read your follow up. Maybe there is another activity the girls can do together if you don't like this troop? I would give it a few more meetings before making a decision though. Space issues can be worked out. 1st impressions of people can be wrong and the other moms could be lovely. As for drop off, that should be up to the leader, right?


Beth

[hillview]

Agree with pp. I'd be put off but since they stuck up for you and DD likes it, I'd go.
/hillary

[blisstwins]

As for drop off, that should be up to the leader, right?



It is drop off, but the comment my friend keeps making is that "I told them I need help." "I told her you were going to help. That it wasn't fair to me that everyone backed out and now I have to do it alone and don't have any help."

I would help, but I dislike that we are being let in as the help--KWIM? I am overanalyzing, but I want to join on an even playing field, not as a favor or with an implicit condition that I help.

It is in my nature to help and I adore this friend. I would love to help, that is not the issue. It just that I feel uncomfortable.

[egoldber]

FWIW, I think this is not an uncommon situation when a new troop forms with a new leader. The new leader doesn't know the policies, tells people they can join when they can't, etc. Each council and service unit has different policies on who is "allowed" to join troops in their area. But troops fracture all the time because of stuff like this. :(

I would try not to let this incident bother you. The troop coordinator was trying to do her job but it seems as if they managed to work it out. In reality, you will likely never have to even see the coordinator again, so I would not worry about that.

And also, unfortunately, the really disorganized Daisy troop is more the norm than not. People agree to be leaders, but don't realize how much paperwork there is, and get overwhelmed. They also make the really common mistake of trying to meet too often and do too much in a Daisy troop where the girls and parents are not ready for that level of activity.

[Puddy73]

Hugs! The whole situation sounds very frustrating. Could you change the meeting place? Most churches and community centers will allow Girl Scouts to use their facilities as time/space permits. Our council allows each troop to choose their own meeting place and time.