Anyone had an Au Pair?

[hillview]

We are thinking of getting one. Anyone BTDT? Advice?
TIA
/hillary

[Momof3Labs]

Yes, we have. Advice? Don't. It was like having another child in the house - it created so much additional work for us on our off-time. The limitations on daily and weekly hours wreaked havoc on our schedules, since both of our jobs involve long commutes. And if you get one and she leaves for any reason, you can be without childcare for up to 8 weeks with less than 24 hours' notice.

If you decide to do it, talk to as many local families as you can first - the agencies are not all the same, and the one we used (Cultural Care) used to have a good reputation but seems like it has gone down the tubes in more recent years.

[Reina]

The au pair system has no quality control. On paper, the selection criteria looks quite discerning. But the way they choose these girls is through heresay . The applicants don't have to prove a thing. Just have to write an appealing essay with all the right keywords and fill in the application correctly.
My mom's neighbor's 24 year old daughter (from south east Europe) came to the New York City suburbs as an au pair 2 years ago. She told in her application that she has taken care of infants before (she had not), she is a very experienced driver (she had a driving license since she was 18 but zero driving experience), she is a good cook (she couldn't boil pasta if her life depended on it) and that her English was advanced (she took a couple English classes in college but had NO practice.) She also had her friend from college write her essay, so nobody suspected a thing. The woman at the agency in France told her all the right answers to the questions that American mothers ask. So every time she was being interviewed by a mother, she would have her cheat sheet and read answers from that.
Naturally she got fired from 3 different homes in 8 weeks due to communication problems and the obvious misrepresentations. She then came and stayed in my house for two weeks as per my mom's wishes, until her departure date. I was perfectly ok with it because she was otherwise a very nice and naive person. I asked her why she lied on her application. She was so naive. She told me that she thought she could learn to drive without anyone noticing, and "how difficult could it be to take care of an infant" etc. She was a nice girl and all, but the agency did not check anything about her. They just accepted her application because she gave all the right answers.
I also met a couple of her au pair friends during her stay. They were all nice girls, but I would NOT leave my son with someone who has zero liability in this country, no ties to here. Just the word of an agency. Besides, I find the au pair system incredibly unfair to all the parties involved except the agency. Those girls are supposed to work for 40-45 hours a week in your home for about $200 a week, while the agency gets $300 a week just for finding her. That's just not right. You can be left without your au pair at any point with no notice because the girl feels homesick or calls the agency and says that she doesn't like the family. Most of these girls don't speak English, so there are serious communication failures. I would highly recommend finding someone that actually lives here and has real references to take care of your little ones.

[hillview]

Thanks for the feedback. Yuck

Here is some more detail. Our full time nanny is leaving us as DS2 is in Montessori school from 8-noon 5 days a week. My parents are taking care of DS2 from noon-5 or 6 and DS1 from 3-5 or 6 BUT they seem to have some limitations (ongoing saga) with patience and ability to really care for the boys full time. SO need someone 30 hrs a week (more is fine for weekends etc) and my parents are around to watch over things AND they need a hand.

Options are:
- another nanny / sitter (hard to find 30 hrs)
- au pair

Something else I haven't come up with?

DH and I travel some and I need peace of mind that the kids are in good hands. I love my parents but they are not able to do this (DH and I have talked and agree -- doesn't scale well for our house). They are not going away (they live with us) but think they need a helper/person to watch the kids etc.

Thoughts?
/hillary

[gatorsmom]

Our neighbors have 3 girls under the age of 6 and have had 3 different au pairs in the past 4 years. They had great experiences with 2 of them, and the last one was just so-so. Nothing wrong with the last one, she just wasn't as willing to play as much as the first 2. Frankly, I met all 3 of them and the first 2 were super stars. They played like crazy with the kids- jumping in the jump house with them, rolling in big piles of fallen leaves, running around the yard, etc. The last one, according to the mom, just didn't play like that, and the girls missed that. But, according to the mom, the au pair did everything she asked her to.

I'm not sure that the au pairs were really unhappy either. They had lots of freedom and met up with other au pairs on their free time. One au pair was so happy with the family and the family with her, that she stayed for another year before going home to finish her schooling. According to the mom, her daughters just loved the au pairs, really connected with them and they had a hard time when each of them left. This year all 3 girls are starting full day school so they aren't getting an au pair. But the mom had said that is the only reason they aren't getting one (mom and dad both office out of their home).

Not sure if this is comparing apples to oranges but I was an au pair with a French family in France. Actually, I was with 2 families. i didn't stay with the first family long. I spoke terrible french and they made no effort to help me. Essentially the parents came and went as they pleased without telling me when I could go out and every time I did try to leave they said I had to stay because they had plans - even when I'd asked to have off several days in advance. So, I found another family and they were great. It's true that I earned pathetically little. That was a big complaint of mine (that I kept to myself). But since I was there to learn to speak French, that was my main reason for staying. Other than that, the family was kind, the kids were very sweet, and we got along great. I didn't find the families through an agency. I placed and ad in a local paper there. not sure if that helps at all.

[g-mama]

Please don't form a negative opinion based solely on just two people's opinions. We had an au pair for eighteen months and were very happy with our situation. We also met quite a few other au pairs through ours that I enjoyed and would have been happy to have work for me.

Ours came from Brazil and didn't speak English very well. While that was a challenge, her personality and loving nature made up for a lot. Ours was 26 and we never felt like we had another child. She was mature and responsible, in taking care of our children and in her own personal life. We still keep in touch with her back in Brazil and it's been three years since she left. The experience was very positive for both her and us. She enjoyed great opportunities while here in the US and did not feel like she was being taken advantage of. We were able to work out a schedule where she babysat for us 3 out of 4 Saturday nights a month as part of her 45 hour work week, and that was awesome. We'd always be home by 10 or 11 and she almost always went out afterward so it wasn't burdensome to her.

[goldenpig]

Have you looked on/posted on Craigslist? That's where we found our nannies. With the economy, I think a lot of nannies are looking for jobs even if not full time. I think there are a lot of people looking for part time work...families are cutting back their hours or letting their nannies go etc. Also, our former nanny used to work just afternoons for us when DD started preschool last year and it worked out well because she was taking college classes in the mornings (though we had to switch to a full time nanny after my maternity leave with #2 ended). And both our former and current nanny were au pairs in the past before they worked for us, so they're not all bad...but personally I'd prefer to work with a professional nanny if you can afford it.
ETA: You might also want to try looking/posting at your local community college for afternoon babysitters, there may be part-time students in the same situation as our former nanny who needed to work in addition to taking classes.

[Momof3Labs]

Please don't form a negative opinion based solely on just two people's opinions.

You could say the same about a positive opinion based solely on just one person's opinion ;)

I think that living in an area with a strong au pair network makes a difference. We don't have a strong au pair network; our group was small (10-12 au pairs) and pretty spread out with no easy public transportation so until our au pairs were driving (well, only one got good enough to take the car out on her own), going out at night was dependent on someone else being willing to drive up to 1hr round trip to pick her up. And two of the three came with REALLY lousy driving skills. Then there were issues that some of the girls didn't like our one au pair, so she spent weekends miserable and crying because she wanted to go out with the girls but they didn't invite her. I didn't have a backup source of girls in their early 20's to introduce her to, unfortunately. The drama was more than we could handle.

I also think that it is a lot easier to deal with the pros and cons of an au pair when you are a SAHM, g-mama. For a familiy with two working parents, it is much different. The possibility of being stranded without childcare is very real in any nanny/sitter/au pair situation but in the au pair situation, you may have to wait up to 6-8 weeks before getting someone new while still being tied financially to the agency. Certainly, being without childcare for 6-8 weeks as a SAHM would have been highly inconvenient but it's not the same as two working parents being without childcare. And language skills are a much bigger issue when you need the au pair to understand your instructions and care for the children while you are gone for 8-10 hours at a time, versus having the flexibility to, say, increase responsibilities as your comfort level with her language skills increases.

ETA: I wouldn't rule out the possibility of finding someone willing to accept 30 hrs/week. Perhaps she could increase that a bit by cleaning and/or cooking for you while the kids are in school? We found it easier than expected to find a part-time nanny when we were looking 3.5 years ago.

[poppy]

Thanks for the feedback. Yuck

Here is some more detail. Our full time nanny is leaving us as DS2 is in Montessori school from 8-noon 5 days a week. My parents are taking care of DS2 from noon-5 or 6 and DS1 from 3-5 or 6 BUT they seem to have some limitations (ongoing saga) with patience and ability to really care for the boys full time. SO need someone 30 hrs a week (more is fine for weekends etc) and my parents are around to watch over things AND they need a hand.

Options are:
- another nanny / sitter (hard to find 30 hrs)
- au pair

Something else I haven't come up with?

DH and I travel some and I need peace of mind that the kids are in good hands. I love my parents but they are not able to do this (DH and I have talked and agree -- doesn't scale well for our house). They are not going away (they live with us) but think they need a helper/person to watch the kids etc.

Thoughts?
/hillary

We found an awesome nanny through care.com. I got 60 responses in 3 days and I auditioned several before finding the one that we all liked.
She helps out about 25 to 30 hours per week.
I would recommend that site. It's $30 for a month to search and I found one relatively quickly.
There is also a coupon code for 25% off the $30 on retailmenot.com--I think it's still there.

[firstbaby]

When I was working, we had 4 au pairs over about 3 years. One of them made it through the year because she did just enough and one stayed with us a year and was great - we asked her to stay an extra year but she returned home for college. Then we had one with us for a month and one for 5 months.

Net / net - I would not do it again. The biggest issue was like Lori said - it really is like having another child around in a lot of ways unless you can set them up to have their own space (like a finished basement to themselves) and their own car and they have more initiative than the average 20ish person. For us, the girls showed up with their own expectations and in our experience, had limited driving experience and limited experience cooking basic meals for even themselves. The last au pair we had had a lot of responsibility caring for her younger brother when her parents worked. We thought this showed maturity and she would be okay with a full day with our 2 kids. When she went home at 5 months, she STILL hadn't learned how to turn the oven on and couldn't make more than a ham sandwich or soup for herself or the kids. Her mother told her that one day she will have to care for a husband and children so until then, she wanted to do all the cooking for her. She did okay day to day playing with the boys, but wasn't "really" engaged with them if you know what I mean.

I agree with PP comments about being at the mercy of the agency and the au pair for dependable continuous care.

Finally, to touch on the honesty point, the girls for the most part were honest. But we did know of girls who had their friends write their essays, friends who did their phone interviews and the agency counts ANY child care experience - so taking care of their brother or cousin's child for a couple of hours a month counts. Many times we found their "references" were friends of the family or neighbors. One of the girls made a point of telling us she didn't have a boyfriend, only to find out she had a SERIOUS boyfriend of two years when she arrived. And it made the homesickness that much worse and we felt like she wasn't an honest person after it. Ironically, we did have a strong au pair network around us which would work against us sometimes. The girls were always making plans sometimes two or three weekends ahead of time and wouldn't think about the possibility of them needing to work if we had plans. Major pouting ensued a couple of times and we needed to address that quickly.

For us, I would consider an au pair again ONLY IF I were working outside the home in a job that I adored and was paid very well at, my children were in school all day and the au pair was responsible for getting them on the bus and taking care of them from school getting out and when I would return from work.

Also, I don't know if the guidelines have changed, but if you and your husband were travelling at the same time, I don't think the au pair is allowed to care for the children overnight. I may be mistaken, but that rule may be a dealbreaker in your situation if you think you would both be travelling at the same time.

Hope this helps. I am sure there are some wonderful au pairs out there, but in my experience they are very few and far between.

[niccig]

A family friend of ours from Australia was an au pair for a family in upstate New York. She enjoyed the year, and apparently the family were very happy with her. I can't speak for her childcare experience, I don't think it was very much, but she could drive well and there was no language barrier. It sounds like some situations are good, and others aren't.

I hope you can work out a good answer to your childcare needs.

[mommy111]

We had an au pair who had been 'rejected' by another family working for us for a very short while. She was staying with family who were our neighbours while the agency was looking for someone else to place her with, and she pretty much sat DD for the 4 weeks between placements with the blessing of her au pair agency coordinator. This girl was absoluteley fantastic!!! She played with DD like crazy, took her out even in the harshest of weather, could cook very well (in fact, she used to love to cook baclava and as long as we gave her permission to do so, she would cook something from her home country for everyone...we really enjoyed dinners those nights!). However, these are very young girls and you have to adjust your expectations accordingly. I would never let her drive my DD in a car...she had driven before but I just didn't feel comfortable with someone so young who has learnt driving in a different country driving my DD in a car in the middle of a mid-Western winter, and acting appropriately in an emergency.
On the other hand, a friend of mine had a full time au pair who did things that my friend was OK with but which I was totally not.....very interesting (read suggestive) clothing, would take friend's DS out shopping with her boyfriend or to the park etc with her boyfriend and I always wondered how my friend could allow that. I think my friend's DH really really wanted the girl to stay so that they had reliable childcare and said all of this was OK so that the au pair did not get 'bored' or feel 'cooped in'.
Bottom line, it really depends on the au pair. I think having someone from a culture where younger women are given some responsibility helps. I also think the older they are the better, even though ours was 19 :) I think in your case where it is limited number of hours and under grandparents' supervision, it may work beautifully.

[Momit]

We have friends who had a wonderful experience with au pairs. I think they had 3 or 4 of them. Two were absolutely wonderful - they became part of the family, were great with the kids, and our friends still keep on touch with them 10+ years later. The other 1 or 2 were fine, they did a good job and stayed for the amount of time they were supposed to, but there was no special connection.

Another family we know has had a few not-so-great experiences like PPs have mentioned - quitting without notice, doing only the bare minimum etc. That mom said she felt like she could have done a better job when she was talking with the au pairs during the phone interviews, and not just let them tell her what she wanted to hear.

Au pairs are all individuals, as are nannies, day care providers etc. and I'm sure there are many good/bad stories about all of those situations. You can do your research and find a good agency to work with, but in the end what really matters is the individual that you choose to be with your kids.

We're considering getting an au pair at some point, and I plan to learn from my friend and grill the heck out of those girls when I interview them over the phone. Or better yet, convince our 19-year-old German babysitter to move back with us and be our au pair - she's fantastic!

[infocrazy]

You might also want to try looking/posting at your local community college for afternoon babysitters, there may be part-time students in the same situation as our former nanny who needed to work in addition to taking classes.


I wouldn't rule out the possibility of finding someone willing to accept 30 hrs/week. Perhaps she could increase that a bit by cleaning and/or cooking for you while the kids are in school? We found it easier than expected to find a part-time nanny when we were looking 3.5 years ago.

We posted on sittercity.com a little more than a yr ago and found a GREAT PT Nanny. She is a 23 yr old college student who takes her classes in our off times. We had LOTS of people apply...some weren't terribly realistic such as the person who was going to drive an hr each way to watch our kids for 3 hrs...I didn't see that working long term, but I got FAR more responses than I expected to our ad and we were only looking for 12 hrs a week at the time.

[g-mama]

Thanks for the feedback. Yuck


/hillary


You could say the same about a positive opinion based solely on just one person's opinion ;)



I hear you, I was just saying that because of Hillary's "yuck" reaction. I wanted to be sure she kept an open mind to more viewpoints before deciding against it. That's all.

[jacksmomtobe]

Several families in my children's preschool have had au pairs. Out of 8 only one has been truly wonderful and engaged with the children they are watching. The others I've found to be very disengaged and more interested in having an experience in another country rather than any real interest in child care. Many are young and immature. One families au pair crashed their car with the kids in it. The kids were fine but it was related to just being distracted. This family also mentioned rules on not being allowed to have the au pair watch the kids overnight and limits on how many hours the au pair can work at a time. The majority of families I know with au pairs have one parent SAH. It seems like you might be better off with a nanny trying to pick up more hours.

Good Luck!

[hillview]

Thanks everyone! Appreciate the feedback
/hillary

[kerridean]

Several families in my children's preschool have had au pairs. Out of 8 only one has been truly wonderful and engaged with the children they are watching. The others I've found to be very disengaged and more interested in having an experience in another country rather than any real interest in child care. Many are young and immature. One families au pair crashed their car with the kids in it. The kids were fine but it was related to just being distracted. This family also mentioned rules on not being allowed to have the au pair watch the kids overnight and limits on how many hours the au pair can work at a time. The majority of families I know with au pairs have one parent SAH. It seems like you might be better off with a nanny trying to pick up more hours.

Good Luck!

I am confused. Why on earth would someone need an au pair if they have one parent who is able to stay home full time?