Have you ever received a check you just couldn't deposit?

[citymama]

DH's uncle sent a $100 check for DD2's birth. I think he did the same for DD1 as well. At the time of DD1's birth, he and his wife were both earning incomes and doing quite well financially, so we accepted the check and deposited it. 4 years later, he has lost a lot of money with the markets and real estate crash (he was in speculative real estate). His wife is still employed, but knowing that this uncle in his mid 60s has been hit hard, we couldn't bring ourselves to deposit the check. We sent a thank you note right away.

Now what? Do we destroy the check? Do you think he's going to notice we didn't deposit it? I think he would be insulted if he did - he is very proud, kind of a macho personality. What do we say if he asks? Anyone else been in this situation, and what's the best way to handle it? Thanks for any advice.

PS This whole experience brings to mind the Seinfeld episode where Kramer persuades Jerry to deposit dozens of $10 and $20 checks his grandma has been sending him over the years that he hasn't deposited because of her fixed income. Then he deposits them and it overdraws her account!

[Momit]

DS has also received some similar checks from family members with lower or fixed incomes. I've always deposited them, because I thought the people who sent them would notice and be insulted if we didn't.

[daisymommy]

I agree. This has happened to us. They would be insulted and hurt, and it would throw off their checking balance if we didn't cash it. I would just be very grateful knowing that they are stretching themselves because they love our child so much they wanted to give the gift. Accept it, cash it, send the thank-you...I think it's okay.

[TwinFoxes]

If it were me, and I was SURE they are hurting for money, I'd probably not cash it. If he never mentioned it again, I'd assume he'd either hadn't noticed, or was happy I hadn't cashed it. If he ever said "did you lose the check?" or something, I'd cash it.

But honestly, if it was just a hunch that they couldn't afford it, I'd deposit it. In your uncle's case, I'd probably deposit it, just because he lost money, doesn't mean he can't afford $100 for his grand-nephew's birthday, you know?

It's nice of you to be so thoughtful. :)

[wellyes]

Definitely deposit it. If he notices you didn't cash it, it's insulting. If he doesn't, it can mess up his bank account.

But if you can, find a subtle way to pay them back. Borrow his car and fill it with gas before you return it. Or give a very extra $100 Walmart gift card as part of your Christmas present.

[Seitvonzu]

i'd deposit it... i noticed when we got married that some of the most generous gifts were from people who we wouldn't have thought had the money. that's not saying they DID have it, but none of the checks bounced! i agree with others-- it is a little insulting not to cash checks

of course when my MIL sends 5 dollar checks for DD, they sometimes don't get cashed until i find them months later and am going to the bank anyway... i was just my mother the other day "the bank just isn't part of my life" :)

[Raidra]

I think in that case, I'd probably deposit it. We do sometimes 'lose' checks, mainly from my husband's grandmother. We really appreciate the thought, but I'd rather her keep the $10.. and we never see her to secretly pay her back with gas in her car or something - an idea I *love*, btw! I've also recently stopped depositing checks from my grandmother because I know she's in dire straits, financially.. my dad and my aunt had to fly across the country in September to get her finances in order and set up a POA and whatnot.. she's been giving too generously to her church for years and is now broke.

[WolfpackMom]

Definitely deposit it. If he notices you didn't cash it, it's insulting. If he doesn't, it can mess up his bank account.

But if you can, find a subtle way to pay them back. Borrow his car and fill it with gas before you return it. Or give a very extra $100 Walmart gift card as part of your Christmas present.

:yeahthat: He will notice and he will be insulted if you don't. Obvioulsy he wanted to do something nice for your DD so accept and thank. :)

[DrSally]

YEs, my widowed mom gave us $100 for the kids a few years ago, and my sister and I both just tore up the checks.

ETA: I think it really depends on the situation, what you decide to do.

[crayonblue]

Definitely deposit it. If he notices you didn't cash it, it's insulting. If he doesn't, it can mess up his bank account.

But if you can, find a subtle way to pay them back. Borrow his car and fill it with gas before you return it. Or give a very extra $100 Walmart gift card as part of your Christmas present.

Yes, this. He will be blessed for his generosity so I would accept it with thanks.

Although I will add that a few years ago a family member gave us a check for a few hundred and we didn't deposit it...because there would be HUGE strings attached. Finally, they called and asked if we were going to deposit it. We did, against our better judgment. About a year later we didn't meet some of their demands and they sent us an email mentioning the money and how we weren't cooperating despite their generosity (nice). DH told them we would be glad to give their money back and to send us a bill. They didn't but we learned our lesson. There are times when accepting money is a bad idea!

[AnnieW625]

He sent you the check knowing that he had money for it. I would just cash it. WCS it bounces and he has to pay the fee, but he knew of that before he wrote the check.

[tiapam]

it seems strange to me that you sent a thank you note but are now thinking of not cashing the check. I would be insulted. he is an adult, i would not presume to make financial decisions for him. any person who is on top of their finances would notice an uncashed check

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Definitely deposit it. If he notices you didn't cash it, it's insulting. If he doesn't, it can mess up his bank account.

But if you can, find a subtle way to pay them back. Borrow his car and fill it with gas before you return it. Or give a very extra $100 Walmart gift card as part of your Christmas present.

:yeahthat: this is exactly what we do in these situations. often times we get expensive gifts from BIL& SIL for DS (baptism, etc)yet we know they are struggling with $$$, especially since my SIL recently lost her job. so we usually just return the gift somehow, e.g. for xmas or their bdays or whatever give a nice GC to Target.

i agree that it would be insulting not to cash it.

[JustMe]

Another vote for depositing it. If I were in your shoes, my line of thinking is that he is an adult and I would not take his right to decide how/if to spend money away from him.

[Penny's Pappa]

he is an adult, i would not presume to make financial decisions for him.

:yeahthat: Though it's very thoughtful of you, in the end, his money is his business. He gave the gift he did because he thought he could afford it. Maybe he even sacrificed a few other things so he'd have enough to give the gift. It would be insulting to not deposit it, IMO.

[wencit]

On the other end, I once sent my cousin a check for $300 to celebrate the birth of his child. He is a partner in one of the biggest law firms in the country, owns a huge home in Manhattan, and is generally very financially successful. I'm just an average Jane Doe. After a year went by without him cashing the check (and screwing up my check book balance in the meantime), I even sent him an email about it, and he replied that he'd get to it right away. He never did end up cashing it, which makes me wonder if he even got it in the first place, or if he just tore it up because he didn't want to accept my money, or if he didn't bother to cash it because $300 was too small of an amount to deal with. While I'm not insulted, I am kind of annoyed.

So that's my long-winded version of saying, "Cash it and send a thank-you note, because it will be more confusing if you don't." :)

[DrSally]

Now that I have time to read your post more thoroughly, I agree with the others that I would deposit the check. He wouldn't have written it if he didn't have the $$ to cover it. Who knows, his financial situation might have changed. This is something he wanted to do, so I would honor that.

[salsah]

i would deposit it so as not to insult him.

[kijip]

Accept the gift, don't insult him and then if your circumstances permit be super generous when the occasion comes to reciprocate. Obviously they are not having more kids but perhaps send a fruit basket or a gift certificate for a fun dinner out whe a birthday or holiday rolls around.

No one likes it if their gift is declined.

I made a gaffe in this area, and learned to let everyone contribute. In my case I ripped up a couple of tiny checks some very low income people made to a donation for a homeless family and just covered their part myself. They were disappointed to not be included and felt judged by me, something I certainly did not intend to do. So in being nice it is possible to be unkind.

[citymama]

He sent you the check knowing that he had money for it. I would just cash it. WCS it bounces and he has to pay the fee, but he knew of that before he wrote the check.

No, I don't think it will bounce; that's not the concern. It's more about accepting a monetary gift from an older person who has just seen their retirement savings disappear and is back doing handyman odd jobs to make ends meet. As I said, his wife is employed so it's not all that terrible a situation, but my guess was that he sent the check to DD2 because he had done so with DD1 (at another time in their life).

I am not sure my DH will agree to deposit it. But we'll talk about it. You guys make some good points and the last thing I would want to do is insult him. I hadn't quite seen it that way. We could find a way to send him something he wants over Christmas, but I wouldn't want to send $100 gift certificate to Target or something obvious like that if you KWIM. They live across the country from us, so we can't take them out to a meal or buy groceries either.

Thanks to the crowd for its wisdom - I never cease to be amazed how helpful it is to get additional perspectives on tough issues!

[MamaSnoo]

It is always gracious to accept a gift and say thank you. I usually try to do something in kind, or otherwise to "pay them back" later, but I do not express it that way to them.

This comes up a lot in our family. My MIL's extended family is not well off at all, but they love DD and have always been generous to her. We are generous in return. I loved the suggestion of filling the tank or buying groceries. If money is tight for him, those are essentials, and once it is done, all he can do is say thank you. I think it is more thoughtful than a GC in some ways.

[DrSally]

In my case I ripped up a couple of tiny checks some very low income people made to a donation for a homeless family and just covered their part myself. They were disappointed to not be included and felt judged by me, something I certainly did not intend to do. So in being nice it is possible to be unkind.

Good point.

[niccig]

We did with FIL. DH got him tickets to go to the Final Four when it was in Detroit and DH flew in for the weekend. We told FIL that it was a present. He still wrote a check and sent it to us. We both told MIL/FIL that we were not cashing it, as the ticket was a gift. They did call a little later on as their checking balance was off and DH told them again that it was a gift, so to forget about us ever cashing the check.

But in this case, it's a gift to you. I would cash it and then find a way to send something nice for a gift at a later date.