We're good parents...my epiphany

[niccig]

I'm not looking forward to visiting my parents in a few weeks. I still haven't booked one flight to get to them, I keep putting it off. DH wanted to know why and I admitted I didn't want to go as they are very judgemental of how we parent DS.

DH asked "do you think you're not as good a parent as they were?" And then he rattled off all the dysfunctional things they did - my childhood was like Days of Our Lives for drama - and then he asked "is DS dealing with any of this?" And the answer is No. From Day 1, DS has had a much more stable home life. We are good parents and it doesn't matter what comments my parents make about his eating or not reading yet, DS is loved, protected and secure...way more than I had at his age.

So to anyone else with judgemental relatives, you are a good parent and don't let others make you question yourself.

[mamicka]

:bighand:I agree.

[SkyrMommy]

DS is loved, protected and secure...

Those six words right there should be engraved in your mind & heart... if that is what kind of life your DS is growing up in he is blessed and you and your DH should be applauded for giving him that.

[sste]

Nicci, I am so glad to hear you challenging some of your mom's ugly comments with rational thinking - - your DS is super-lucky. I bet on some level your mom may perceive that your childhood was not as ideal as your DS's . . . but it will probably be something she will never admit to even herself. FWIW, my mother (and I have often thought our mothers sounded very similar) has made terrible comments to me, including one time that I disgust her as a parent because I woth. And other highly critical stuff about DS. She feels like saying this type of thing is empowering to her (she is "telling it like it is") and even more bizarrely a loving and caring act (she is "looking out for DS.") I had a similar moment where I said finally to *myself*, "Oh yeah, because it would have been much better to be like YOU mom, a depressed and essentially low-functioning individual who slept on the couch every day from the moment we came from from school until dinner time. Then we watched TV after dinner until bed. Every day."

It's astounding how long it takes (at least it did for me) for my mother to lose her power over me . . .

[TwinFoxes]

I bet on some level your mom may perceive that your childhood was not as ideal as your DS's . . . but it will probably be something she will never admit to even herself.

This is exactly what I thought. If she acknowledges you are doing a good job, it just shines an internal spotlight on the job she did.

Yay for you for breaking her hold over you!

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. It's a work in progress. I found a great therapist and have a very supportive DH - I talk to DH about the therapy sessions and as a bonus we feel closer. He understands me better now. He's been very surprised and angry at some of the stuff that happened. If my parents start on anything, there's a chance DH will blast them both - and he's a very laid back guy. They are normally on their best behaviour around him, another reason why I won't visit without DH.

I do agree that if someone is overly critical, I wonder about any insecurities - they have to build themselves up to feel better by pulling you down.

[niccig]

FWIW, my mother (and I have often thought our mothers sounded very similar) has made terrible comments to me, including one time that I disgust her as a parent because I woth. And other highly critical stuff about DS. She feels like saying this type of thing is empowering to her (she is "telling it like it is") and even more bizarrely a loving and caring act (she is "looking out for DS.") I had a similar moment where I said finally to *myself*, "Oh yeah, because it would have been much better to be like YOU mom, a depressed and essentially low-functioning individual who slept on the couch every day from the moment we came from from school until dinner time. Then we watched TV after dinner until bed. Every day."


You only have to swap mornings for afternoons and we do have similar childhoods. I only got to elementary school as my older sister made sure we were dressed and had breakfast. Mum was still asleep. I have vivid memories of waking her up and telling her I was leaving to walk to school. Needless to say that I make DS breakfast and pack his lunch every day....

[ha98ed14]

Thanks! I needed to hear that! I am trying to give DD a more secure upbringing than I had, and a big part of that is DH. (I have major father abandonment issues.) So maybe choosing a partner that is not like my father was the first step.

Congratulations on your revelation! Thanks for sharing!

[BabyMine]

Thank you I needed that. My MIL is the one that thinks I am a bad parent. I know for sure she wasn't that good.

[niccig]

I am trying to give DD a more secure upbringing than I had, and a big part of that is DH. (I have major father abandonment issues.) So maybe choosing a partner that is not like my father was the first step.


That was my first step too. I also know how bad it could be the other way, so I'm very appreciative and don't take DH for granted.

[niccig]

Thank you I needed that. My MIL is the one that thinks I am a bad parent. I know for sure she wasn't that good.

Don't let her make you feel bad about what you're doing. I do think other posters are right, the more they criticize, the more insecure they are. And they will never admit that you're doing something well...

ETA. My mother has turned into Martha Stewart wanna-be and I always feel guilty that I don't keep the house/garden up as well - so now I'm channeling my MIL who told me when DS was born that she regrets cleaning more than playing with her kids. She told me and my 2 SILs to choose play over cleaning....

[ShanaMama]

Thanks everyone. It's a work in progress. I found a great therapist and have a very supportive DH - I talk to DH about the therapy sessions and as a bonus we feel closer. He understands me better now. He's been very surprised and angry at some of the stuff that happened. If my parents start on anything, there's a chance DH will blast them both - and he's a very laid back guy. They are normally on their best behaviour around him, another reason why I won't visit without DH.

I do agree that if someone is overly critical, I wonder about any insecurities - they have to build themselves up to feel better by pulling you down.

I am so happy for you. I could have written this part. It gets easier with time, but it's really a constant struggle to undo that internal messed up wiring.
FWIW, DH & I both have a decent amount of dysfunction in our immediate families (we are so unique, lol). My parent & ILs both live within 2 hours of our house but we rarely visit them. I much prefer hosting them for short visits. When we go back to either house, it's like we just get sucked right into the dysfunction. My house, my turf, check your nuttiness at the door. I know your parents live far away & don't think they visit often, but I thought I'd throw that thought out there. When we do visit (either family) it really helps to prepare ourselves internally & brace ourselves.


... my MIL who told me when DS was born that she regrets cleaning more than playing with her kids. She told me and my 2 SILs to choose play over cleaning....

Well, sounds like you won the MIL lottery! Is she really that awesome?

[niccig]

Well, sounds like you won the MIL lottery! Is she really that awesome?

She's pretty good. I do still clean up before she visits, but it's now where near what I used to do for my parents. They haven't visited in 3 years and part of me is glad

[niccig]

Thank you I needed that. My MIL is the one that thinks I am a bad parent. I know for sure she wasn't that good.

Oh, I bet your MIL says that your DH turned out well, so she did something right???

My mum feels like this, last night during our conversation DH said that my sisters and I turned out well in spite of our parents and not because of them.

[arivecchi]

She told me and my 2 SILs to choose play over cleaning....Love this! So true.

Glad you had such a great epiphany! :bighand:

[hellokitty]

I am so happy for you. I could have written this part. It gets easier with time, but it's really a constant struggle to undo that internal messed up wiring.
FWIW, DH & I both have a decent amount of dysfunction in our immediate families (we are so unique, lol). My parent & ILs both live within 2 hours of our house but we rarely visit them. I much prefer hosting them for short visits. When we go back to either house, it's like we just get sucked right into the dysfunction. My house, my turf, check your nuttiness at the door. I know your parents live far away & don't think they visit often, but I thought I'd throw that thought out there. When we do visit (either family) it really helps to prepare ourselves internally & brace ourselves.



We do the same thing with dysfunctional parents on both sides. Both sides of parents are an hr away in opposite directions. We don't seem them often at all. I hate going to visit them (even though that's what they prefer), b/c like you said, the dysfunction is at its very worst when they are on their own turf. They are always welcome to visit us, but feel it is easier for us to drag all of our kids to THEIR place, so they rarely come (yet they complain that they do not see their grandkids often enough). When they visit, they don't like to stay that long (1-2 hrs tops), so I am able to brace myself and suck it up for their visit and then breath a sigh of relief when they leave. Although I have to admit that every time I see mil, I'm left in a crappy mood, regardless of where I am at.

Niccig, I'm glad that you realize you are a good parent and are trying not to let your family bring you down. It's hard, but like pp have said, it gets easier with time, you just have to distance yourself emotionally.