What do you argue about w/DH?

[PMJ]

The recent thread on "Divorce" got me thinking more about this.......

I personally think that I argue way too much w/ DH, but he disagrees and says "it's healthy, and we have made improvements from the past".

Here is what we argue about: Should this list be of concern to me?

- Money
- CHORES
- GOLF
- help w/ DD
- we def see differently on many things
- I'm a control freak and tend to want things done my way, he hates this

[Clarity]

1. His mother
2. His memory (absentminded man)
3. Parenting differences
4. Chores

We grumble idly about money but we rarely argue about it.

[sariana]

- I'm a control freak and tend to want things done my way, he hates this

-Turn this around for us: He's a control freak and wants things done his way; I'm a procrastinator who just never gets things done at all.

-I'm a slob; he likes things clean and organized (but won't get rid of ANYTHING).

-DS has Asperger's and ADHD and struggles with his behavior. All in all, though, DS is a good kid who sometimes can't control himself. DH thinks all bad behaviors need to be crushed and expects DS to be "punished." I still hear that DS's behavior is my fault because I am too lenient with him.

-He wants me to be a high-powered career women. Seriously, if I were, there's no way I would stay with him (i.e. someone with the personality to be a successful high-powered career women wouldn't put up with him).

-My weight and how I hate to exercise and love to eat.

-That I don't attack my to-do list and get things crossed off. That's the biggest thing. I am not a "do-er." He hates that. Absolutely hates it.

[Staraglimmer]

Money
Money
Money
Doing things around the house
Being late for work
Not taking care of the cars the way I would.

But mostly money. It actually causes all of our fights except the one about chores. I'm mad when he runs late because that means less money. I'm angry that the cars get no maintenance because he says we don't have the money. Oh, and we fight about not having another DC because we can't afford insurance.

[niccig]

Money - hoping to get on same page with this in near future.

Chores - if I say how much I'm doing he responds "you always say I do nothing." which I'm not saying, I just want some help

How to spend vacation time - this has gotten better as we both limited time with our families to make time for OUR family time.

[citymama]

Parenting
Chores/Housework

ETA Believe it or not, his lack of sleep! And I'm the one nagging him about it - the man gets no sleep! He stays up late to work and wakes up early with the kids. I'm constantly nagging him to rest more and do more to take care of himself. He doesn't gain weight and doesn't get sick, so he thinks he can get away with 4 hours of sleep a night and no exercise, but I do worry about him overdoing it.

We've never yet argued about money. Pretty much never in 11 years!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Mostly because I don't listen well enough and I don't like to be wrong. Him because he can be lazy and not help out with chores.
eta- usually they are quick spats that we get over quickly. Dh has been holding on to things a bit more lately and so I'm trying to work on that (i.e. biting my tongue or phrasing things better).

Beth

[amldaley]

We go through phases. We have hit a couple of rocky patches in our marriage and before DD, I did once tell him that I was done. But within hours, we were talking and trying to mend. Neither of us could really fathom being apart.

We argue mostly about household things, life management stuff. DH promises to pay a bill and forgets and then I get a ding on my credit. Or he breaks something because he is very careless. I can be very bitchy about those things and sometimes over react.

The two BIG and not great things we argue about is how he handles situations with his family (that was our most recent....by phone, while he is in Afghanistan. I did not speak to him for days I was so angry and hurt).

And the other is that we argue about he lies about something. This one comes up ALOT. He comes from a family and specifically a household dynamic where lying is common. It is so deeply engrained in him that he sometimes does not even know he is doing it. His brother and sister are the same. AND IT MAKES ME CRAZY ANGRY. :hopmad:

Alot of our arguements could be managed better if he would be honest and if I would chill out a little. When I get angry, I get crazy monster angry. I know I shouldn't but it wells up inside me.

Do I think these arguements will lead to divorce? No. Because we are happy together more often than not and we have a very connected, funny, loving and supportive relationship. We are each others biggest :cheerleader1: (one of us looks better in the skirt than the other...)

But I DO have deal-breaking thresholds. Cheating, which he came close to. Breaches of trust with money (I have some security issues from my upbringing). Were anything abusive happen to DD. The basics.

Otherwise, arguements are temporary and in our case, they usually bring us to a new understanding on a topic or matter.

The new understanding is that he sees things my way and we are all better for that. :wink2:

[TwinFoxes]

We don't really argue, it's more of a spat. Then we both apologize. But the one issue on my part, is his not being able to figure things out with the girls. Just general odd parenting choices. Not bad, well a few are bad, but just "what?" Small things like letting them wear their squeaker shoes when we're going to a mall (those are for outdoor use only!) Or gives them a hard plastic cup to put in the sink, they are far too short to reach the sink. So they put it on the edge of the counter and just push it in. I said "how did you think our 32 inch daughters would put something in the sink. "I thought they'd just kind of toss it in". Um, what if there are glasses in there? "Oh, I didn't think of that". We've been keeping the Halloween candy in our office. The girls suddenly had handfuls of candy. How did this happen? "I let them in the office, and then I couldn't stop them from taking the candy". Well, that's why we've been keeping the office door closed. His inability to outwit 2 year olds is shocking. Heaven help us when they're 12. But at least he's a hands on dad, so I try not to complain too much.

I'm sure his issue is I think I'm always right when it comes to the girls. ;) That and my shoe breeding ground I've got going on in our bedroom.

ETA: maybe I misread this thread...we certainly never considered divorce! Good goodness, no. We have a great relationship...maybe I shouldn't have posted.

[wellyes]

Mostly we argue about something we shouldn't argue about because one of us is too tired / grumpy / stressed to be rational.

[american_mama]

I'm surprised no one mentioned one of our top 2 arguments - sex. DH always says he's not getting enough.

In order of what we argue about:

Him not doing enough around the house
Not enough sex
(really, those two arguments should probable repeat as item #3 and #4 because we argue about them so frequently)
Him working too much
Him not doing enough with the kids

Occasionally we argue about different visions for the future, either our financial future or our leisure time future.

[gatorsmom]

We argue about his inability to apologize. I can't move on unless he apologizes and he never does it. I don't have a problem apologizing but he sure does. He gets defensive over anything he perceives to be criticism. I have some compassion for him because I know what a complete A$$ his father was to him growing up so he's constantly ready to defend himself.. So, I have to constantly remind him that I'm not attacking him. Then he seems to settle down. But he can't seem to apologize for the insensitive things he does. This is really a sticking point in our marriage. I really think we need to see a therapist about it but we just don't have the time right now. Instead I point out his inconsiderate crap and tell him that he needs to apologize to me. Frankly, I'm getting tired of having to tell him.

[Corie]

I'm surprised no one mentioned one of our top 2 arguments - sex. DH always says he's not getting enough.




This is our most frequent argument.

DH thinks he should be getting sex 10 times a day. I don't agree. LOL!

[khalloc]

Money (he thinks I spend too much)
Chores (he thinks I don't do enough)
dog (she is old and ready to go, I am tired of picking up poop when i get home from work)

That about sums it up. He's kind of right on the money, he does do alot of chores, but he is way more motivated and focused that I am. The dog - just a source of frustration for both of us.

[mommylamb]

His inability to outwit 2 year olds is shocking.

:ROTFLMAO: Sorry, just found this statment so funny!

DH and I don't argue that much either, but I give him the credit for that way more than me. He usually lets me get my way.

From time to time we've had arguments about money, but they're usually minor spats about the significant number of CDs/DVDs/Books that he buys, and also related to the fact that we don't have room for them all. In general though, I am more type A and higher strung about money issues, so I stress about it more. He grew up very working class where his mother struggled to make ends meet and you didn't know if there would be enough food for dinner, so he thinks our middle class lifestyle isn't stressful at all, and I worry about college tuition, retirement, etc. It's just a different mindset. I've also been trying to get him to start looking for another job because there isn't a lot of room to grow where he is (like none at all). Suddenly though he's taking that seriously, so that's a good thing.

Other than that, sometimes I snap at him for silly things, like being controlling about what I'm doing when I'm trying to cook or being too anal about things. DH does 90% of the cooking in our house, and he has a hard time letting go when I'm trying to do my meager 10%. And he does the vast vast majority of the cleaning because he doesn't think I do a good enough job. I hate when he follows behind me while I'm cooking so he can wash things that I want to use again so they shouldn't go in the dishwasher KWIM?

Other than that, he's an excellent egg and makes me feel special and loved. We just had a lovely morning together, so I'm having a hard time finding faults in him :love-retry:

[maestramommy]

We literally argue about only one thing, and that is the division of childcare labor in our house. And it's not really arguing. Historically I have a hard time spelling out when and what I need from him in terms of helping out with the kids until I'm in meltdown mode, because I keep thinking,"we've been married how long? Why do I have to keep spelling this out?" But things are much better now because I've been more proactive about telling him what I need. I've also had to fine tune it by saying things like, "Don't go off and try to knock out a project in the basement while I'm feeding the kids and/or cleaning up afterwards because without you there it goes MUCH longer."

[Moneypenny]

Our one and only argument is that whenever I say something that he perceives as being critical of him (e.g. he said he would put gas in the car but didn't, so I ask if he's still going to do it or if I should do it on my way to work instead) he blurts out, "I guess I'm always wrong and you're always right and I never do anything your way!" and I get mad at him because I feel it's manipulative to make it about me being some overly critical control freak when he's the one who didn't put gas in the car.

[weech]

We argue about DS - we're still trying to figure how to be parents and work together as parents. I'm the uptight know-it-all Mom and he's the clueless, fun-loving dad. I'm TOTALLY with the PP who said her and her DH argue about strange parenting decisions.... really, DH? DS was fussing because he wanted to watch football, not because his diaper was dirty?

We also argue about sex, but that turns into more of a sob session and me feeling like I'm not pulling my weight (libido issues). Blargh.

We've also argued in the past about his family. DH pretty much just does what his mom or sister want without considering how it affects me and he had a bad habit of not sticking up for me around his family. It's gotten better, but still. I married a momma's boy. :hysterical:

I think couples that never argue (at least a little) are kind of freaky... it seems unreal to me. With that said, DH and I have yelled at each other probably 5 times in the 2+ years we've been married.

[KHF]

Parenting differences. Absolutey the number one argument topic. And we're right in the middle of one today. Ugh.

[g-mama]

My being a control freak and his unwillingness to be controlled. :ROTFLMAO:

That's about it.

[ThreeofUs]

Discipline about DS1. That's it.

[jenfromnj]

The biggest source of disagreement for us lately has been division of labor in our household and with DS. I am a SAHM right now and do pretty much everything involving housework/cooking/chores/errands/bill paying and that king of thing, and also do 99% of the less "fun" things for DS (diaper changes, meal prep, etc). I am probably going back to work soon at least p/t, and I am insisting that DH take over more responsibility when this happens. He has been yes-ing me to death but hasn't actually been willing to discuss specifics, which makes me pretty confident that he really has no intention of picking up the slack. But I have no intention of letting him slide, so...

We also argue sometimes about financial things, since we had a lot more disposable income pre-DS (less expenses and 2 full incomes) and he's been slower to adjust to our new standard of what's a "must have" purchase.

We used to have many more disagreements about family/IL issues, but thankfully we've managed to come to more of an agreement there.

[hillview]

We don't really argue. We discuss things (I initiate 100% of the time) but we don't ever really argue. We argued once before we got married.
/hillary

[BabyBearsMom]

We very rarely argue. I would say that in the 11+ years that I have known DH, we have had maybe 4 or 5 true arguments. We occasionally have spats, usually because he does something that annoys me (either a comment that hurts my feelings, although he would never do that on purpose, or sometimes I am just being pissy and will pick on something meaningless) and I snap at him. But then one of us apologizes and it is over within 5 minutes.

DH is a wonderful man. We split the household chores evenly. We split the care for DD evenly. We don't have significant money issues that cause stress (not that we are rich, but we both have good jobs and live within our means). I think hiring a cleaning lady has made us get along even better because cleaning puts me in a bad mood, :)

[lchang25000]

Just little arguments/bickering about:
-the tone of voice I use sometimes when I speak to him
-my cleanliness/neatness (crumbs need to be wiped up immediately!!)
-I like things done my way

[luckytwenty]

Not very much--no recurring themes, as we're on the same page for the most part about money, household division of labor, and discipline.

I sometimes feel like he's over-protective of me, and I'll have one fight with a friend and he will then hate that friend forever and make snarky comments to me about her every time I bring her up in the future, which pisses me off. He thinks I let people walk all over me, and I disagree. So if we fight, it's usually because of my interaction with someone else, and fortunately that's not a daily thing. But it is annoying.

[twowhat?]

Parenting differences!!

[wencit]

DH pretty much just does what his mom or sister want without considering how it affects me and he had a bad habit of not sticking up for me around his family. It's gotten better, but still. I married a momma's boy. :hysterical: This. IL issues (mostly his family) are by far the biggest sticking point in our marriage.

DH not helping out as much around the house, or not doing it to completion. Cleaning up the kitchen also means wiping down the crumbs off the table and countertop, honey!

DH's computer game time. He stays up way too late playing Starcraft, and then is too tired to be of much use the next day.

[smiles33]

We very rarely argue. I would say that in the 11+ years that I have known DH, we have had maybe 4 or 5 true arguments. We occasionally have spats, usually because he does something that annoys me (either a comment that hurts my feelings, although he would never do that on purpose, or sometimes I am just being pissy and will pick on something meaningless) and I snap at him. But then one of us apologizes and it is over within 5 minutes.

DH is a wonderful man. We split the household chores evenly. We split the care for DD evenly. We don't have significant money issues that cause stress (not that we are rich, but we both have good jobs and live within our means). I think hiring a cleaning lady has made us get along even better because cleaning puts me in a bad mood, :)

:yeahthat: except we're at 12+ years. Our biggest fight was early on while dating but now it's usually a little spat like when he's crankier than usual and just doesn't want to talk (I sometimes pepper him with questions when we both first get home and he likes his "quiet time" when he comes home).

I, too, agree that a cleaning service is an AMAZING strategy for reducing spats. No need to argue about whose turn it is to clean the toilets!

[edurnemk]

We don't fight very often, when we do it's about his meddling parents.

We argue about:
- Parenting differences,
- My insistence on healthy foods, organic, etc.
- He throws a fit when certain things aren't the way he likes it: a meal, his clothes, etc.

Neither of us is very confrontational, but DH in particular tends to bottle things up (and one day he may explode), he was raised in an emotionally repressive family and he has a hard time talking about stuff. So we do need help in the communication department.

[sariana]

Should this list be of concern to me?

I didn't respond to this question in my first reply because I didn't notice it.

I think neither what you argue about nor how often you argue is very important. It is HOW you argue that matters.

A couple can argue once a year or ten times a day, and either way it can be a healthy relationship as long as both parties maintain respect for each other. You can disagree about something as trivial as what color towels to hang in the bathroom to something as serious as whether euthanasia should be legal. It's whether you have respect for the other person's very being that matters.

If either party has a habit of belittling the other or acting as if the other person has no right to a unique opinion or trying to control the other, that is when there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Notice I said "has a habit;" we all say things in the heat of the moment. It's long-term patterns that matter, IMO.

[pinkmomagain]

Married 16 yrs and I would not say that we argue. Maybe occassionally a "spat." Never anything lengthy or loud.

I think that is due to the fact that we are both very tolerant of each other's short comings and, in general, we are in agreement about all major areas of our lives.

[sste]

Oh my goodness, I think my DH and I are going to win the arguing awards for this entire board! We argue all the time over household division of labor, DH's extreme forgetfulness or non-attentiveness to errands and household tasks, childcare particularly who has to do pick-up or be home to relieve our nanny, and to a lesser degree we argue about finances (I will say that has decreased over time) and in-laws (also has decreased).

I am not sure if the problem is that I am hyper-verbal? Or that our lifestyle of both working full-time is stressful? DH is perenially over-tired? But, whatever it is DH and I love each other and have a solid if not perfect marriage . . . and we def. argue robustly and regularly.

[kmm]

We only argue about his family.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

We very rarely argue. I would say that in the 11+ years that I have known DH, we have had maybe 4 or 5 true arguments. We occasionally have spats, usually because he does something that annoys me (either a comment that hurts my feelings, although he would never do that on purpose, or sometimes I am just being pissy and will pick on something meaningless) and I snap at him. But then one of us apologizes and it is over within 5 minutes.

DH is a wonderful man. We split the household chores evenly. We split the care for DD evenly. We don't have significant money issues that cause stress (not that we are rich, but we both have good jobs and live within our means). I think hiring a cleaning lady has made us get along even better because cleaning puts me in a bad mood, :)

:yeahthat: this is pretty much us, except we've only been together for 5 years. usually we argue over something dumb, usually i get mad at something he said. within a short while he usually apologizes. i do get annoyed sometimes when his mom says or does something that bothers me and DH does not want to address it. i think 75% of the fights we've ever had were about our wedding which was 3 years ago...stuff his mom kept wanting to do, ppl she kept wanting to invite and issues with his family that DH did not want to address and wanted to let them do whatever. but luckily thats all over with and my MIL is usually great 99% of the time, so that helps.

i must say that my DH is in general, a saint. he does a lot of the chores without me even asking or complaining. he changes most of the diapers in the evenings/weekends. he eventually did agree to hire a cleaning lady and then, when i got pg, a sitter to watch ds a few afternoons a week so i could have a chance to relax, shower or cook dinner during the day. he was very hesitant to hire help at first since my DH is a uber-paranoid person and he was afraid that the cleaning help would steal from us or that a sitter would not care for DS properly. we did have several arguments about that actually, and i was especially annoyed that DH seemed to be listening more to his mom (who is really paranoid about many things and always saying that babies shouldn't be trusted with non-family members) instead of me. eventually though DH was convinced and now he totally agreed it was the right decision and was worth it to get the help, so it's a non-issue now.

i should say tho that DS is still pretty young so we haven't really come across discipline issues/parenting style differences. i know that will probably be a heated topic between us as DS gets older. unlike most here, i think i'm more of a "disciplinarian" than my DH is.

[elephantmeg]

the discussions we have are over

-my not feeling appreciated for what I do
-DH wanting more sex (I've worked really hard to make that better in the last few months)
-DH not doing *anything* around the house without endless nagging, collecting stuff and leaving it around, taking forever to finish projects

[chottumommy]

Sometimes I don't know why DH and I argue. We rarely argue about finances, our families and things that matter us directly but rather argue (and these are relatively heated) about politics, national policies and the biggest point of argument is movies. We can never pick a movie that both of us want to watch. We usually both like books the other picked at the library but never a movie.

[kdeunc]

-Turn this around for us: He's a control freak and wants things done his way; I'm a procrastinator who just never gets things done at all.

-I'm a slob; he likes things clean and organized

-That I don't attack my to-do list and get things crossed off. That's the biggest thing. I am not a "do-er." He hates that. Absolutely hates it.

:yeahthat: You and I must be sisters married to brothers (or the same man)! :)

[boltfam]

Money
Money
Money
Money
Money
Money
Money
DH thinks I spend way too much of it, and most of our arguments can be traced back to this. He doesn't want me buying organic because it's too expensive, he gets upset I don't clean the vehicles well enough because they cost a lot of $, etc.

He also thinks I don't get enough done and that I spend way too much time (and money) online.

The only thing I really bring up is his lack of helping with cleaning duties (which makes you wonder how he can get on my case for not keeping up with the house).

[fumofu]

DH and I used to argue more about chores, but now that DS is here he insists that he vacuums more often - woohoo! And I'm better in letting things go because with the little time I have from DS I really need to prioritize.

I have the tendency to bottle up my frustration. I also don't like to spell things out to DH because it just seems so obvious to me. By the time I tell him (and sometimes I have to explain why), I would've gotten it done already. But I'm learning to take time to let him know what I'd like him to do to help.

I'm sure as DS gets older we'd argue about parenting.

I don't like to be confrontational and DH lashes out when he's cranky. Most of the time I just bite my tongue and try to calm down. But the first month that DS was here, and we were both running on little sleep, I'd argue back. Big mistake because DH just can't let it go and keep on arguing. For once I just wanted to be the one to yell and him to be the calm one.

We don't really argue about it, but there definitely is a disparity in our libido. I actually want it more than he does! But with DS and my episiotomy I'm just fine going solo more often. :)

We've never argued about money, and probably just once on our parents/family. We've been together 11 years, married for 1 year.

[SoloMelody]

Almost everything we ever argue about is somehow associated with his parents. When they visit us its bad, when we visit them its worse, we argue most of the time and we I feel most unconnected with him....

He wants more sex and I am just tired and need to sleep! No arguments as such but he makes it known....

[lchang25000]

DH and I NEVER argue abut sex since we're both usually way too tired after DS goes to bed. We never argue about money either since he knows spending it is my one and only hobby. :D We never argue about family either since we all get along great!

[lalasmama]

Top issues:

Money (one of us is in a spending mood, and one is in a frugal mood. Who is in which mood changes often, but we never end up on the same side at the same time).

Parenting (how I can be a hardass with La, and a wimp with Challenge; how he goes back and forth with his tough-guy and push-over with Challenge).

Treatment of one-another (as in, "you didn't need to give me a gift card for whatever just because I helped you out with xyz." We tend to give little surprizes--like a gift card or candy--back and forth, and it always is met with "you didn't need to do that". I know I didn't "need" to do that, but I appreciate you going above and beyond, and want to thank you for it and spoil you a tiny bit!).....

[ha98ed14]

My being a control freak and his unwillingness to be controlled. :ROTFLMAO:

That's about it.

:yeahthat:

[kijip]

Stupid stuff most often but it is pretty rare.

Sometimes there is friction over my workaholism but he gets I am really working on being better, to the point of getting an assistant and contracting out part of my job I need capacity on.

Sometimes there is friction about undone house projects.

We do not fight about money, chores or child raising issues. One of the things we do well on is our totally simpatico ways on the daily stuff.

We used to fight about ILs and sex, but we solved the core issues and have moved on.

[citymama]

ETA: maybe I misread this thread...we certainly never considered divorce! Good goodness, no. We have a great relationship...maybe I shouldn't have posted.

No, no, I don't believe anyone else posting in this thread is considering divorce either. (We're certainly not!) I think it's just that the divorce thread got the OP thinking about the kind of things couples argue about.

[hellokitty]

1. His @#$% mother! I think 85% of our arguments have something to do with his mom and it's not an accident that after we see/talk to his mom, we have an argument. I think that lately, he has been censoring a lot of stuff his mom says from me, and while it's annoying, I'm ok with it, b/c I know it will just irritate me and he knows it too. The only thing that has really helped is that in the past few yrs, he's started to come around more realizing that his mom is a crazy PITA, so I'm not longer always the, "bad guy." We used to get into some nasty arguments yrs back when he always stood up for his mom and never for me, I felt as if I was always being thrown under the bus when it was something to do with my mil and myself, and my mil was always put on a pedestal no matter what she did, even if it was totally wrong.

2. His hobbies and how much time/$ he spends on them. I think I am pretty, "cool" wife regarding his hobbies, but he is really spoiled in this dept. Get this, he is now having muscular problems from golfing, ***too much.*** :rolleye0014: He even admits it. He has a habit of picking very expensive hobbies and then dumping a ton of $ into it. We can afford it, BUT I'd rather he spend less on stupid crap and put more into savings. I'm the saver and always looking into the future, he's the spender and doesn't want to think farther than the present, and it seems that these will always be the roles that we play in our marriage.

3. We have occasional arguments about family time. Neither one of us grew up with parents who took the time to do anything with us. I try very hard to make sure that we try to have quality family time and 1-1 time with the kids. My DH doesn't want to think about this and falls into the habit of how he was brought up and will do the, "well, I turned out ok," bit with me. So, sometimes I get angry/annoyed with him for not spending more time with the kids or having a bad attitude if I suggest we do something more family oriented, etc.. Once he does it, he is usually ok, but he can have the worst attitude about this and I resent that he acts immature about this. He'll say stuff like, "well, I'd rather go golfing," and I feel like screaming and telling him to grow up. Yeah, not everything in life is going to be fun and games and parenting is not always fun, someone has to be the adult.

Otherwise, regarding discipline and other parenting stuff we pretty much see eye to eye. Sometimes he is vain and stubborn and we get into arguments, b/c he won't listen to me (and usually, it blows up in his face). However, those are not really fights, it's like bickering and blows over right away.

[Philoscript]

My husband and I are married five years and we argue most about:

Money (current spending)- Background: We live in a high COL area where I am originally from and he was raised in a LOC area and moved here for me. However, the problem comes from him constantly comparing the areas and what he could "attain" by living elsewhere. It makes me feel like he regrets moving here. Also, he makes a good salary (enough for me to be a SAHM) and is constantly complaining that there isn't enough money for beer or snacks, entertainment stuff, etc especially since he's the "____" at the organization. (He's in upper Management). Then, he reminds me we should be saving for my daughter's college fund so she doesn't get burdened with the loans I have from school. I keep telling him you can't have it both ways and he does get snacks and beer. I took over the bills to make sure there is money to save for all expenses and plan our discretionary budgets. We never fought about money before my daughter came along.

Discipline- I come from a household that believed in hitting and to be quite honest I'm not comfortable with the idea unless in a dangerous situation. On the other hand, our daughter is not yet 2 and I find him slapping her hand for dumping her food at the dinner table or flicking her ear to get her attention while she is misbehaving. I really get irked by this behavior and everytime I bring it up he says "well, what are we supposed to do? Your way was obviously not working." Any ideas how to handle this discussion? We were on the same page about this before she came in theory.

Chores- He doesn't think I do enough of them. He's a neat freak and I can deal with clutter (not that much mind you-the apartment is always company ready). He also believes I need to have dinner done every night and maintain a cleaner house. Mind you, I follow Flylady (was never taught to clean and schedule it) and most of it gets done. We always have clean laundry, vac'ed floors, dusted furniture, child taken care of, bills paid, etc.)

Safety/Health- He thinks I'm too concerned about safety and health. For instance, I bugged him for days to install smoke detectors because I couldn't reach the place on our ceiling and he could. However, it took a week to get them up. I check them weekly and he makes fun of me for that. He thinks I'm crazy about making sure fire extinguishers are up to date and working. My daughter woke up with bites after one night and he won't help me look to make sure there are no bugs. Overall, he's not too concerned about safety or health. He still denies he has high blood pressure and is on drugs for it.

Overall, I love my husband but he's driving me nuts lately. I would never dream of divorcing him though. We rarely argued about anything prior to our daughter and now it all seems to be coming out.

[maestramommy]

Safety/Health- He thinks I'm too concerned about safety and health. For instance, I bugged him for days to install smoke detectors because I couldn't reach the place on our ceiling and he could. However, it took a week to get them up. I check them weekly and he makes fun of me for that. He thinks I'm crazy about making sure fire extinguishers are up to date and working.


On Friday night a house in my town was totally destroyed by a fire. A family with 4 kids 1-9 escaped safely with only the pajamas on their back. Everything else was completely destroyed, including their cars. The fire dept still can't enter the house to investigate, because the structure is too unstable. This event in completely incomprehensible to everyone I know (the mom is in my local group), because the house is in a very nice neighborhood, and the fire was so bad it took several hours, and fire fighters from neighboring towns to put it out. And there hasn't been a house fire in this town for the LONGEST time.

We have smoke/carbon monoxide detectors in almost every room in the house, and Dh makes a regular habit of checking the batteries, replacing them every 6 months. We also used to talk about an escape plan, which is tough when you have 3 kids 5 and under. We need to get on that again. It is SO important.

Regarding the cleaning, if you Dh is such a neat freak, he needs to start pitching in. Seriously!

[Philoscript]

Hi,

I can relate to the fire. I was an EMT before I met my husband and I've seen some pretty horrific events due to safety issues. I guess it's made me more cautious. My family had a "flood" in our building when I was living with my parents. The only way we knew was because the dog at the time came out to pull me to the bathroom to hear this running water. Apparently, they didn't fix a pipe correctly on the fifth floor and water was trickling down to the second in massive amounts. My parents were lucky they weren't under the ceiling in their bedroom when it collapsed. This occurred at 2am.

I'm the one that checks the batteries every week and changes them out. I made sure there was a fire extinguisher in the house and an escape plan in the event of a fire, flood or other disaster. I've marked all the territories we would evacuate to in those events. I also made sure we got a will for our child in the event of our death and disability insurance. Maybe I am over-cautious, but I'd rather be over cautious than never prepared.

As for the cleaning, he does the bathroom every two weeks (because I have a sensitivity to bleach), cooks most of our dinners and cleans up after I clean (to his satisfaction). He also helps me out by taking care of our daughter on the weekends. I really don't have much to complain about, but it seems like he is always "correcting" my cleaning and then telling me I don't do enough. I would do a lot more if I wasn't corrected every time. It seems a waste for two people to do it.

Anyway, thank you for listening to the vent. I am really sorry about the woman's house. Unfortunately, I know the effects of it daily living in NYC. A building in our area burned, people miraculously didn't lose their lives, but teh building has been vacated for two years now.

[brittone2]

On the other hand, our daughter is not yet 2 and I find him slapping her hand for dumping her food at the dinner table or flicking her ear to get her attention while she is misbehaving. I really get irked by this behavior and everytime I bring it up he says "well, what are we supposed to do? Your way was obviously not working." Any ideas how to handle this discussion? We were on the same page about this before she came in theory.



I would have him read up on child development. Age appropriate (albeit annoying) behavior is age appropriate behavior. It doesn't mean you don't teach them, but at the same time, whether you flick, use time outs, or just teach/parent through it, it pretty much always takes repetition, repetition, repetition and they outgrow it as they mature. I like the Ames and Ilig series "Your X Year old" (they have one for each year of life). I don't like the discipline advice, but it is always reassuring to see their snapshot of normal development. You realize your kid isn't a unique in the annoying traits at a given age...the challenges at each period of life in kids have pretty much been the same for a looooong time. Misery loves company and I find it reassuring sometimes to realize it is very age appropriate and expected, even if annoying.

There are some great old threads with book suggestions, etc. if you want to work in that direction with him. I know not all DHs will read, but I personally wouldn't be okay with my DH physically disciplining my child by flicking or smacking hands.