How to discipline a 12.5 month old?

[PMJ]

DD is almost 13 months old - old enough to be semi-disciplined, old enough to def try and get her way, but maybe too young to really understand stuff/and consequences; so how do you discipline a 13 month old??

Scenario --

During meals, sometimes, DD will scream, throw a fit b/c of something I've put on her plate. I try a few times to feed her the item, give up and try to give her something else. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing here. Should I be saying more and not giving her something else?


Recently, she has started SCREAMing whenever we put her in the car seat. She HATES HATES this. She recently started walking and I think hates the confinement - I'm sure most kids do. She cries incessantly. How do I keep my sanity in the car and get her to stop throwing a fit? (Every toy, sippy cup etc I attach to her seat - gets thrown, pulled off)

Eager to hear your advice.

Many thanks

[JBaxter]

Its a communication ( or lack there of) phase. All 4 of mine have gone through it.

What I found worked was have 2 plates ( or I just used the highchair tray) put a couple bits on the tray and let them eat. ( now I am assuming its finger foods )

The car seat thing is one of those things they just have to know Mommy wins. Just be firm and buckle her in. It is a phase.

We found signs worked well. More , Drink, cracker, apple all done etc. I love the baby signing time videos it does help with the frustration/communication.

[hillview]

You don't. It is a stage. Try to hand her a snack or cup or toy while going into the car seat.
/hillary

[hellokitty]

She's normal. They are mobile now, so don't want to be confined to a HC or CS. I usually try to distract DS3 and give him a toy while I am getting him into his carseat. For meals, I'm noticing that he is eating a lot less. After several attempts, if he is throwing food or just NOT wanting to eat, I let him down. It's not worth the struggle, they are acting within normal developmental expectations for their age.

[wellyes]

Normal. Don't discipline for developmentally appropriate behavior at that age.

The REAL challenge for us as parents is learning patience! I am thinking of taking up meditation.

[firsttimemama]

I would read up on developmentally appropriate behavior for that age - it all sounds normal and nothing that needs 'discipline' to me
Sometimes annoying and frustrating for us? Sure. But they're just doing their jobs.. of being 13 months old!

[MWmom]

I agree with pp that it is normal and likely frustration is also a factor. Baby signs were really helpful for us too. In addition to the ones mentioned I'd add the sign for help. That one made a big difference for my daughter. Although it took a while for her to catch on, she did quit screaming as much. She still has her moments but they don't seem as bad now.
I found this website usefull: http://deafness.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=deafness&cdn=health&tm=7&f=00&su=p736.9.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.signingsavvy.com/ just the free part was enough for us.

[indigo99]

Anyone have good resources on child development to recommend? DH thinks that DS is old enough for time out, but I disagree and think that his expectations are just too high.

DS has a favorite toy that stays in the car so he only gets to play with it there. It's a musical piano that lights up and keeps him busy. I've also found that he'll throw a fit if he doesn't want to eat what I'm offering. I often find that he actually is hungry if I find the right food that he wants though.

[Katigre]

Discipline Ideas for Toddlers (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/jeri/toddlerd2.php)

One huge tool to use: Playful Parenting. Here is something I wrote about dealing with DD a few weeks ago:


She's so active, into everything, gifted at mess making, always exploring and challenging herself. Great character qualities as an adult...difficult ones in a toddler.

And after a few weeks of thinking about it, I realized that the tools I needed most were based on playful parenting (which I've never done often and haven't needed much with DS). But DD is just the type to respond beautifully to it. She's super silly by nature - everything is a game to her, she does things to make others laugh all the time, and is easily distracted by things that are funny.

So I decided that instead of focusing on how annoyed I am at the messes she makes in the house and how she is determined to do things I don't want her to, I need to instead focus on how I can help her follow my directions and boundaries using her own personality strengths.

I've spent the past two days reworking my mindset from 'power struggle' to 'let's make this silly' and WOW, the difference has been huge. Firstly, I'm enjoying her more and don't feel as frustrated. She is happier (because I'm able to redirect her and set boundaries in a way that makes sense to her, instead of trying to make her think like me) - and that means less crying (which really helps my annoyance and stress levels). And finally, I feel like I've figured out the way to help both of us get through these next few years without having anger issues (or at least as much as I was worried about before).

The main thing I'm doing is singing silly songs whenever I have to move her away from something, or doing funny things with her body or my body (slapstick humor is her favorite thing right now). Usually the song or action is related to whatever boundary I'm setting or something she's not supposed to be doing (like getting into my vitamins). It seems to really helps her understand and follow what I'm saying so much better than what I was doing before (my typical firm 'Not for DD, get down' - which had virtually no effect on her even with a raised voice).

I would never EVER have thought that being silly would empower her to listen to what I say much better than being 'firm straightforward,' but for her personality, that's the type of authority figure she responds to best right now.

I have not used Time Outs with my kids (if they're upset they have to go somewhere to calm down which I suppose is similar - but I don't have a 'consequences system' of "If you do X then you go in Timeout for Y" and haven't found that necessary).

You also might find some things in Love and Logic helpful - they have a book for toddlers/preschoolers. Some of their advice I found more punitive than helpful, but overall it gives consistent discipline tools and I think that's most important at this age.

[bubbaray]

We use times outs here, BUT not at that age. They don't really understand time out until at least 2, for us it didn't really click until age 3.

You could try Love & Logic for Early Childhood (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp/1930429002/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1289055186&sr=8-1).

[wellyes]

Anyone have good resources on child development to recommend? DH thinks that DS is old enough for time out, but I disagree and think that his expectations are just too high.

Yours is too young, way too young, *but* I've found that sometimes removing a child from a frustrating situation by putting her in her room (using gentle voice and not "explaining" what they are doing wrong) will help defuse a tantrum.

Books:
A Dad's Guide to the Toddler Years (useful for moms too, breaks down development and child understand month-by-month)
Penelope Leach's Your Baby and Child

I also like Get Off Your Butt Parenting: http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=54

[Reina]

(Re: the 12.5 month old) Toddlers around that age are a lot like monsters or zombies from a horror film. They communicate by growling, grunting, crying and making strange sounds, they have absolutely no sense of personal space (at any given moment they can sit on yor head and drool on your face or put their toes in your mouth for no reason), they have this devilish grin when "attacking" you, and they always want to "get" you and take stuff from you (be it milk, food or the phone or the tv remote in your hand).
If you try to reason with a toddler, you'll lose. There is no time out or discipline or reasoning with a zombie. Is there? My zombie... erm toddler is 13 months old. He is the chaos bringer in our house. Every shelf that looks remotely tidy, must be undone, a laptop left unattended for a split second must be flung across the room, a mommy or a daddy who looks too comfortable must be stirred by screaming loudly, the sleeping dog must be awakened with a loud bang and other assorted self centered impulsive behaviors. As I type this, I am being fed a wet bagel and hoping it was in his mouth before and not swimming in the dog's water bowl.
The point I am unsuccessfully trying to make is... You keep your sanity as long as you don't let the zombie's impulsive behavior get to you. I'm not saying ignore your daughter's screams or or other undesirable behaviors. Just keep reminding yourself that this is just a phase and in just a few short months she'll be able to communicate with words and then you can "try" to reason with her when she starts screaming and making you crazy in the car or elsewhere... Good luck. We are all sailing the same high seas without a paddle :)

[Katigre]

You might like Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey KArp (http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1289057658&sr=8-1)

I haven't personally read it, but others I know have liked it.

[cntrymoon2]

Normal. Don't discipline for developmentally appropriate behavior at that age.

The REAL challenge for us as parents is learning patience! I am thinking of taking up meditation.

Ha! I read this as "I'm thinking of taking up medication" and as a mom of a one year old, I was right there with you :-)

[catsnkid]

I have told my son, I'm counting to three and then force him to sit in his car seat, then he knows it is business. Seems to sort of work. He also gets fun toys in the car. As far as dinner, I would end the meal if everything is rejected. DS starts throwing things..

[hillview]

This series is a great developmentally appropriate book. It is a little dated in terms of "mom-centric" etc but it is 90% spot on.
http://www.amazon.com/Your-One-Year-Old-Fun-Loving-12-24-Month-Old/dp/0440506727
/hillary