Help me ask for help.

[JoyNChrist]

So my PPD/exhaustion thread has convinced me that I really need to ask for help more often. I'm pretty much parenting these kids by myself 24/7 (DH is gone from 3:30am til about 6:30pm), and I'm going to have a major breakdown if I don't get some relief.

I'm really lucky in that we have tons of family nearby. Both sets of our parents, all of our grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. So the help is definitely there, I just don't know how to utilize it.

I feel stupid, but I guess I don't know what to ask people to do. Avery goes to preschool from 8:30-12:30 Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Do I ask someone to pick him up for me? Do I have someone come over to watch the kids while I run errands and clean house (I think I would feel weird doing chores while someone else is here just watching me)? Do I ask them to help me get stuff done around the house (again, that feels weird to me)? Do I have someone pay bills and grocery shop for me?

This just all feels so awkward to me. I'm so not an "ask for help" kind of person...I'm usually the one doing the helping. I'd hate to burden anybody or take advantage.

If I was asking someone to watch the kids (like my MIL, who drives a school bus, so is home from about 8am to 3pm everyday), do I bring them to her? Or do I have her come to my house? Would it be better to ask for an hour or two a few days a week or just one full day? If so I guess I need to figure out pumping (I'm still EBFing the twins).

I'm sorry to sound so clueless but this is really new to me. To be honest, I really don't like the idea of asking for help, but I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that I can't do everything by myself.

Also, DH and I discussed possibly hiring a cleaning lady. Once a week? Every other week? What do they typically do? Floors...bathrooms...bed linens? Do I need to straighten up before they come?

Agh, figuring all this out seems as hard as doing it all myself!

[jgenie]

:hug: NAK - I'll be back soon to help. :hug:

[alexsmommy]

I'd start by getting a break where you can be by yourself for at least two-three hours 2-3x a week. So asking people to come watch the twins during preschool hours. If it were me, I'd drop Avery off myself, and then go get a cup of coffee, get some errands done, hit the book store, whatever. If they are willing to keep the twins the entire time, then go for it, pick Avery up and then come home. Or go SLEEP. Uninterupted. It will do wonders for your state of mind and energy level.
If it's more than one person watching the twins, then I'd have them do something I can't stand to do. For me, it's folding laundry. HATE IT. I'll do laundry but I absolutely hate folding it. So in my case I'd have a nice big basket of laundry waiting to be folded and sorted with small laundry baskets for each family member that can be placed in the appropriate room for me to put away. What just makes you batty to do? Putting groceries up? Cleaning the fridge? Putting toys away?
Ask for food - I'd ask people who know and love you who you can pretty much say, "I'm really craving X? Can you make it, I just can't get in the kitchen and spend time chopping onions with the kids." There is something so comforting about knowing that you get to eat something you actually like at the end of a crazy day.
If there is a younger family member who can come be an extra pair of hands during the witching hours (right before bedtime when it feels like everyone needs something and everyone is whiny because they are tired) I'd schedule that for Thursdays and Fridays (assuming your DH is off on weekends)

As far as asking - just do it! People are typically more than willing to help, but they don't know how and they don't want to imply you aren't doing a great job on your own. If you say, "Please, could you come every Tuesday from 8:15am until 12:30p" I'm guessing someone will happily step up.

On Mondays ask someone to take Avery out for special alone time, even if it's just to Grandma's to make cookies.


Good for you for recognizing your need and taking care of yourself so you can take care of your children. I didn't see your previous thread so I hope my suggestions are in the ballpark.

[maestramommy]

For a cleaning lady, ours comes every other week, and I find I can do the inbetween stuff. For me, it's not the dirt that gets out of control, it's the messiness of toys and general crap that doesn't get put away that drives me nuts.

Would it be helpful if someone watched the twins while you take Avery to school and run a couple of errands? If you had someone come help you during the entire school timeframe, they could also stay with the twins while you pick him up. if you have relatives that live super close they wouldn't even have to stay the whole time.

I find the craziest part of the day is the 2-3 hours between the end of the last nap and when Dh gets home. That's the witching hour for babies, and even my older ones are more prone to getting into fights or just being more demanding. Somewhere in there I'm trying to get dinner ready for the kids, feed them, and clean up. Once a week my sitter is actually here until it's dinnertime for the kids, and I find that it's very helpful, because even if the kids are watching TV, Laurel doesn't really watch and is very demanding. If the sitter weren't there I'd be working with her wrapped around my legs. And screeching.

[LMPC]

I think carving out time for you to be alone or sleep without needing to attend to the kids is important. Maybe have one of the grands come over and watch the twins while you have a nap (knowing that you can actually sleep without being interrupted! ;))

As for the housekeeper...we do once a month. It's just enough to knock the dirt down. She usually does everything except the laundry -- but when I was little our housekeeper also did laundry -- so I think it depends on what you need. Personally, I like doing laundry (I know, I'm weird!).

I think once you start asking, people will realize that you need help -- which is not a bad thing. It's not a sign of weakness to need an extra pair of hands or two!

Oh, and one more thing. Just because you ask for food this week, doesn't mean you can't ask for something different the next week. It might take a little time to figure out what type of help is best for you. Think of it as a process, instead of one huge decision you have to make. That might take some of the pressure off getting started!

:hug:

[wellyes]

Ask for someone to come watch the babies to give you time to get some stuff done -- that is the kind of task that is a real pleasure to take on.

Send a mass email "Ack, the babies keep me so busy, if a few folks could send over a frozen casserole of ANYTHING for family dinners I'd be so grateful!" If I got that email I'd *jump* on the chance to help a friend, no judgment whatsoever.

Cleaning lady 1x per week if you can afford it will be a GODSEND. 2x per month eventually is fine, especially if you're going back to work (so won't be in the house to mess it up so much). They'll do floors, counters, bathtubs, toilets, dusting, windows, change the sheets. Inside the microwave and fridge if you ask. You have to straighten beforehand, so having them come weekly actually makes it easier since it'll never have a chance to get so messy.

See if a local laundrymat does wash-dry-fold service. They charge by the pound, you just drop off bags of dirty laundry and come back a couple days later to clean, folded and pressed laundry.

Have groceries delivered if at all possible.

I think that would go a looooong way to getting you back into a sane place. Good luck!

[ThreeofUs]

1. Get cleaning help in.
2. Get help to come over so you.can.sleep. If that's family, great. If that's a post-partum doula with twins experience, also wonderful.
3. Call whoever in your family is good at organization and broadcast calling. In my family, that would have been my mom - but now it's me, lol! Tell them your problems, ask them for help mobilizing the family to help. They'll help you figure it out and then they'll help you get the assistance you need.


Assistance might be:
-getting groceries
-helping out with your big guy
-sending meals
-doing laundry
-sitting with the twins while you sleep, pay bills, or otherwise get things done.

Remember, though, your self-preservation must take precedence over getting things done. You *must* get enough sleep and enough to eat to make it through.

[infomama]

If I could get my cleaning lady here weekly I would. Having the house clean is a huge relief. Laundry is a close second when it comes to time. We manufacture dirty clothes it seems and the laundry washing/folding/putting away is my job it seems.

You need to get some sleep or you are going to loose your mind. Can you have someone by so you can nap in the afternoons? I can't remember...are you up all night? If so it would be so helpful to ask your DH to bring your Dc to you so you can nurse and then fall back asleep. He does the initial wakeup, brings them to you in bed then he burps, changes and puts them back to sleep. My friends husband did this for her and she said it literally saved her sanity/marriage.

If you plan your meals out and have a nice list to take then I would ask for someone to come over for a couple of hours twice a week so you can shop and so some prep work (chopping/marinating, etc).

Also, don't neglect those things that recharge you either physically or mentally. For me it's yoga. I need it or I am totally off, drained...not myself. Eben if it's a nice long bath with some music playing and candles lit..make sure you have that time set aside for you.

Good Luck!!

[Tondi G]

cleaning lady: We have someone come in every 2 weeks. She does the bathroom (floor, tub toilet, sink), kitchen (any dishes in the sink and loads the dishwasher and runs it if it's full, counters, stove, floor) if the fridge is dirty she will clear and clean all the shelves/drawers and put it all back in. I usually help with this and dump any leftovers or old food that needs to go! the hardwood throughout our apt ... sweeps and mops. vacuums the rugs. changes all the sheets (sometimes we rotate mattresses together). She also does some laundry while she is here. HIGHLY recommend at least every 2 weeks!

for help just send out an email to all of your family. "SOS I need help". Be honest with them like you are here. Tell them you need help all around and what do they think they could help you with. Say, I need to sleep (these 3 hours of broken sleep are killing me!)... can anyone come in and entertain babies while I get in a nap or a shower. I could use some help with picking Avery up from preschool, either someone picks him up or someone watches the babies so you can go and pick him up and have a little one on one time with him before you get back home. I could help with someone sitting with the babies while I do grocery shopping while Avery is in preschool. I'm sure the twins make it an hour between feedings so get everything ready so you can feed them and then hand them off (let the people watching the twins handle a diapers change) and walk out the door so you can shop and be home before they need another feeding. Then you don't have to stress about the pumping. You should try pumping sooner than later though so they can get an occasional bottle and won't reject it altogether.... some babies are difficult in this dept (the longer you wait the harder it gets). Ask anyone if they enjoy cooking and would like to make some freezer meals for you.... you can get all the supplies and even help them while you manage the babies at home.... get a bunch of casseroles, lasagna, pasta sauce, meatloafs, soups, etc cooked and frozen. you can also have a menu planned buy your ingredients and ask them to chop your onions, vegis, fruit etc. get it all cut up and ready so there is less prep time to get meals on the table. You can also get chicken marinated and in ziploc bags, get steaks seasoned etc. then all you have to do it put in on your grill or in the broiler.

I know how you feel cause I tend to be the "help" person so it was really hard for me to sit back and allow people to help me when I was dealing with a 3 yr old and a newborn and PPD/anxiety. Thank god for my mom is all I can say.

Put it out there.... I'm sure people would love to help and just don't want to intrude unless you ask. People don't know you need help unless you ask them!!!!! You can do this. Good Luck.

[JTsMom]

Stacy, I'll bet people would love to have the chance to return some of the favors you've done for them- especially if it relates to the babies. People love doing those kinds of favors. :) I'll bet if you asked for someone to come keep the babies happy while you do whatever around the house, they'll be beating down your door for the chance, plus you can still bf without having to pump.

If you can swing a housekeeper, I'd jump on that for sure.

I wouldn't worry too much about the logistics- just say you need help, and people will help you figure out what will work best. And don't spend one second feeling weird- what goes around should come around after all! I think a lot of times, people truly want to help, but don't want to overstep kwim? So if you give them any sign that you're willing to take help, they'll be ready to jump in.

Any type of errand running would be a good thing to pass off too. I can't imagine trying to take all 3 grocery shopping- yikes! I still have DH do all of ours, and I only have 2. :bag It might be fun to go pick up Avery once by yourself and take him out for a little treat and one on one time.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with PPD. I think it's great that you're reaching out. I wish I could come help you myself. :hug:

[hillview]

Agree with pp send out an email asking for help and any suggestions for people who might be able to help. People should come out of the woodwork. Also hire what you can.
/hillary

[kijip]

Get a cleaning helper. As often as you can afford. Feel good about it...you are stimulating the economy by employing someone. :tongue5:

Ask for people to come and watch the kids with you. Sometimes a second set of hands is the difference between making it and losing it. Get some sleep. Utter lack of sleep is as impairing as being totally drunk. You would not care for your kids drunk, so no shame in doing what you need to do to get some more shut eye in.

[vejemom]

Have people come to you. I would just decide on the day's agenda the day of. In other words, if you had a pretty rough night, use that time to sleep. If you're feeling more chipper, take yourself out for a coffee, or spend special time with Avery.

Don't feel bad about asking people to do cleaning, etc. They want to help. A good friend of mine from grad school had twins last month. She lives about 2 hours away. I figured she could use help but might be embarrassed to ask. Finally shot her an email telling her what days I could come, and made it clear that I would be coming to do whatever the heck she wanted. Grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, babysitting so she could nap, doesn't matter. Got a happy email back asking me to come. So next week I will be headed there bearing gift cards to restaurants with take out menus and a healthy meal for the family. ANd I am ready to do whatever she needs, because I remember breaking down in tears wishing someone would mop my floor when DD#1 was a newborn. And I don't have twins!

[egoldber]

My SIL had an 18 month old when she had twins. My MIL's "baby gift" to her was a cleaning lady twice a month and a night nurse for 6 months. She was formula feeding, but a night nurse could at least bring the babies to you, change their diapers and settle them back down after you nurse.

I totally agree that getting enough sleep is so important. I remember driving somewhere after younger DD was born and realizing as I was driving that I was so tired that I was endangering myself, my kids and other by being behind the wheel of my car. Her whole first year was such a blur to me. She never slept more than 2 hours straight and it was so exhausting!

[WatchingThemGrow]

I know how hard it is to write that email to friends and family. I had to do it last summer, and it feels weird. Maybe list the various chores mentioned here and the times that you need help the most. People will look at their schedules and pick something from the list, I'm pretty sure.

The sweet, sweet, sweet retired nurse who came to help me MWF 11-2 was the best gift EVER. A mother's helper (14yo) has been pretty handy also when I've just needed an extra set of hands. Cleaning lady - absolutely. Ours comes every other week and does bathroom, kitchen, floors. DH does sheets.

[DebbieJ]

I would totally hire a cleaning lady.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask someone to come over to watch after the babies while you LEAVE THE HOUSE BY YOURSELF and go grocery shopping.

Light housekeeping (dishes & laundry) would also be something that others could do for you.

Maybe you could ask for a few meals a week from your family or church (if you belong to one).

I know it's hard to ask for help. I'm really bad at it too.

[twowhat?]

For me, there were 3 things that helped the most: 1) MIL doing all our grocery shopping and cooking for us (you could perhaps ask for someone to bring you dinner every so often), 2) cleaning lady, who comes every other week and 3) having family come hold babies for 1.5 hours (between feedings) during which DH and I would SLEEP or just get something done other than holding babies. I found that I got SO tired of handling babies all the time that I was more than happy to have someone else just HOLD them so I could free up my hands. I know you're BF so you probably only get about 1.5 hours of "freedom" between feedings. But even 1.5 hours of someone else holding the babies is SO helpful (I BFed too so I know how it goes!)

I'm all for the "send out an email to call in the troops." LOL. That's what DH called it - when we started getting more than overwhelmed, we'd "call in the troops" and our parents would do what they could to help. MIL stayed with us for weeks/days at a time making sure we were fed. My mom is still working, but she'd come on weekends and she and my dad would hold babies while we slept.

I think the suggestion to ask for help when Avery is in preschool is a good one. At your stage of the game, you will be surprised by how much a single hour of baby-freedom-ness will tide you over for a week. My DH worked close enough to home that every so often he'd come home for lunch, and I'd go have lunch with a friend. Those simple 1 hour outings would have me on cloud nine for literally a week!

So - call in the troops! Family will jump in and help! They aren't offering because they don't know that you want the help...so even a simple email saying "help! I'm overwhelmed and would love some volunteers who could give a couple hours of their time each week" will work - your family members will respond back saying YES of course we'll help - just tell us what to do! And don't feel weird about asking for someone to come hold babies so that YOU can do laundry for an hour. It felt so liberating to be able to JUST DO LAUNDRY. And - you will also be surprised that just having adult company for an hour will make you feel so much better.

[Mommy_Again]

If you can afford a cleaning lady once a week, go for it. that's how often we have one and I really need someone to come twice a week.

Your family, I am sure, loves to spend time with your kids. So have them come over Tuesdays and Thursdays, maybe. Early enough that you can get dressed before taking Avery to school. Then let the family member "play" at home with the babies while you take A to school, and then use those 4 hours to do whatever.you.want. Some days you'll have to do practical things, like grocery shop, go to a doctor appointment, or run other errands. But don't feel bad about using the time to meet a girlfriend for coffee, get a pedicure, or run to the mall. Or...climb back into bad and take a nap. Prep dinner to go in the crockpot, uninterupted.

Personally, I'd feel weird asking a family member to help clean my house, but I wouldn't hesitate for a minute asking them to hang out with the kids while I ran out. It will be a treat for them - alone time with the little ones.

Good luck and good for you!

[tiapam]

How about this:

Ask someone to come before you take Avery to school. Make sure twins are fed and then you drive him alone to school while helper watches twins and cleans up breakfast and cleans any other obvious messes. The car time is at least some alone time with Avery! When you get back, seriously consider a short (20-30 minute) nap *in the car* for yourself. This way you are not in the house seeing everything that needs to get done, but you are close enough for the helper to get you when the twins need to nurse. Or you go in when you feel a little rested and ready. This is your alone time. And you don't have to worry (for right now) about car seats, etc.

I have not nursed twins, but I think the pumping would actually complicate things for you right now. More things to keep track of, clean, explain to helpers. If you get good help, hopefully nursing will get easier. Maybe pumping later, when you have got some other things under control.

I would not farm out something like bill paying unless it was to your DH because it would make me feel more in control if I (or DH) was still doing that.

Grocery shopping is a good thing to farm out. Also drug store runs, etc., or order online for some of both. Can you make a list of chores that need doing that you are not picky about? For me this would be things like floor sweeping, lawn and garden, any cleaning of bathrooms, cleaning fridge! If you have this list the helpers can always check that first. There are some things I prefer to do myself and it would drive me crazy if someone else did them another way.

Right now I would have all helpers come to you. Then they can take Avery out or maybe twins in the stroller. It does not help you much if you have to get them all in the car and drive somewhere before you get help.

If you can afford it I would get a cleaning lady every week for now.

If ever there was a time for you to ask for and accept help this is it. All of your kids are young and at a demanding age. You will all be much better off with a little TLC from others.

[mommy111]

I would get a cleaning lady as often as you can afford. Ours also did out laundry/folded and sorted for us, which was wonderful
Honestly, I would set up some stuff for the twins a couple of times a week with MIL or parents. Drop them off as you drop off Avery. That way the house is empty, you don't feel awkward working as someone sees the kids and watches you work, and best of all, you don't feel bad about taking a nap and enjoying the silence. I would always feel guilty about napping as someone else watched my kids at home....much better to have the kids out of the house so that you can nap without guilt