i'm lonely...how long to settle in to a new location?

[lmh2402]

just looking for feedback on how long it has taken others to feel at home in a new location

especially if/when you only had a DC that was not of school age

i've heard from lots of people, "oh, you'll meet people once he's in school."

and while that's great...he's only 19 months old. it would be nice if i could have a friend or two by the time he's five.

i'm working two days a week, and on the other three we're taking classes - little gym, swimming at the y, and music together.

frankly, i haven't met anyone through any of these classes. the moms are all nice enough, but nothing beyond "hi."

i'm lonely. and sad. and i miss my sister and my friends. i'm not the most outgoing person. quite frankly, i'm extremely anxious in new settings, so making new friends is really hard for me. but with winter coming, and the streets around here empty, i need to make some connections soon.

any other ideas for what i can do?

thanks

[SkyrMommy]

What about a class for you without DS? Maybe yoga or an art/craft class in the evening... that way you might meet people with common interests and then could branch out from there.

[cono0507]

I was in that position when DS was around 18mo and we moved. I never really met any friends through music together, gymboree, etc. But I joined a local moms meetup group, got set up with a playgroup through that and met some wonderful friends and we continued to meet weekly for the next 3-4 years. There were 3 of us that really clicked.

Now I just moved again and have a 5yo and 3yo and I swear, the school aged thing is true (which I know doesn't help you now) but we've met so many great friends already through the kids. But in the meantime, I'd try to seek out a moms group that has weekly events, whether it is a meetup group or mops or something.

Good luck. I've been there and it is lonely. But there are other moms out there looking for friends too! :)

[amldaley]

It always takes me a full year (which was really difficult when we used to move every 2 years!!!!)

Try www.meetup.com I found two mothers groups on there I really liked. My husband has used it to find kayaking groups. The groups with women and/or kids are SUPER protective about who joins and how you get info in order to be safe, so be prepared to answer a lot of questions up front.

Also, try church, volunteering, or looking for activity based groups like a book club, knitting group, etc. We used to do a lot of volunteer work. It was great to get out and learn my new area, contribute, meet people, etc.

[jenfromnj]

Try www.meetup.com

I was going to suggest this, too. There are a bunch of moms' groups in NNJ, in all different areas, I'm pretty sure there's an Essex-based one (I think that's your area?) that seems pretty active. The Baby-Toddler Group and the Hip Mamas are also both really active and have some nice people in them, they're not as local to you but may be worth checking out. A good friend of mine met a lot of mom friends from the Hip Mamas. (I should go to more events than I do, I have been spoiled by having my sister and best friends local and both have young kids, which has made me way too complacent about meeting new people-not good!)

ETA: A bunch of the meetups are at things like B&N story time or Gymboree free play, which is great b/c you can chat for a few minutes with people in a really breezy, casual environment, and you don't feel awkward as you might if you were going to someone's house or something for a meetup.

I also found it was hard to make friends from DS's classes for some reason (we also moved to a new area, but when DS was a baby), so I totally feel your pain. Making mom friends is hard! I would have thought that having kids was some kind of great equalizer, but that totally hasn't been the case.

ETA: If you are already going to the Y, you may want to try checking out the other programs they offer--there are some mommy and me type hours through our local Y that are more informal, which is more conducive to meeting people IMO. Also, does your town have a newcomer's club? A couple of towns around here have really active ones that some friends have found really helpful for meeting people in town.

[reissgirl]

It took me a full year after moving to the West coast. That was pre-DS and I'm generally outgoing. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. It's a very isolating feeling to talk to a 19 month-old every day and not feel like you're able to hang out with other moms at the same time. I think some of the other moms here had great ideas. It sounds like it'll be out of your social comfort zone, but well worth the anxiety and emotional investment.

[wencit]

I feel your pain, although I do have an older child who's in preschool 4 days a week. We moved across the country about 8 months ago, and I still don't feel settled in. The biggest thing that helped me was joining my local mother's group. They set me up with a playgroup, and the weekly meetings have been invaluable for my sanity. They also hold a lot of events, which we attend on a regular basis. I would just Google the name of your town and "mother's clubs" and see what you get.

:hug: I know all too well how hard and isolating it can be, in a new area with a young toddler!

[SunCB]

I have been here a little over a yr and I only have 1 real friend here who I see maybe once a wk. DS1 is in school and that has not helped. The boys are also in karate and DS1 has been in soccer each season also. We went to the park & outdoor pool in the summer, members at a hands on kids' science place so we go there twice a month or so, been in various other lessons, etc.

For me, I took DD to swim lessons and met a Mama there. We ran into each other at the park after the lessons had finished and she gave me her business card. I took it and text her about a wk later about going to the park again for a playdate. It did not work out until the 2nd time and since then we keep trying to get together at least once a wk. I had to actively decide to seek her friendship out as she has been here and has her co-workers (Mary Kay), church friends, family, etc. I had to take those 1st few steps and basically say, "Hey, I want to hang out with you and your kid (now, kids)."

It takes a lot of work and YOU have to put yourself out there. If you find someone who you think you might like to get to know ask for a phone # or email and give yours also (though, expect not to be called or emailed) then actually call or send a message about getting together another time.

If no one in the various things you do now you feel is someone you have connected with then try something else. You have to be very active in making it happen and take those 1st steps.

GL. I am still there so I know. I was at my old location for little over 5 yrs and it took close to 2-2.5 yrs before I had a couple of good friends.

[Melbel]

I had not moved but found myself in a friendship void/disconnect after having DD2 (most of my friends had school aged children which meant they went back to work, played tennis, etc., a best friend and next door neighbor moved out of state). In the past, I always had a large circle of friends plus work colleagues and found being a SAHM very difficult and lonely. Based upon advice here, I looked into a couple meetup groups. Due to scheduling issues, I normally attend something once a week now. While I have not found any new BFFs (yet), I have truly enjoyed exploring different venues (libraries, parks, music classes, etc.) that I would not have known about, or had the motivation to try, knowing that I will see familiar, friendly faces. DD2 has also really enjoyed being with other little ones. I hope that it gets easier for you soon.

[larig]

Coop preschool! You HAVE to work with people. You are with them on a regular basis. Our coop class even has a social chair who plans monthly outings. I also feel like I have a connection with people who are both older and younger than I am. The program for the youngest start at your kids' age. Do you have coop preschools in your area? Ours is affiliated with a community college and includes parent education. I love it.

ETA: contrary to what other posters have said, I have LOTS of time to socialize with the other parents at our coop. And like I said, we have a social chair, who organizes outings for just parents. Outside of school days I see them for a monthly parent meeting, and then the social meeting. I also took on a big job with the school, which means I have to contact the parents a lot--that has made me feel more comfortable just talking to them in general. I just feel like because I'm working WITH these people we have a sense of camaraderie and we celebrate small and large triumphs and look out for one another. (e.g., DS has been struggling to make it through story time--transitions are hard, and we go from free play to circle too quickly for him. Anyway, last Thursday DS made it all the way through with NO problems, and so many of the parents commented to me "G had such a great day today!" etc. They were so happy for me. It just feels nice that they are almost an extended family at this point, and we just started in Sept. Our parents don't live anywhere near us, so it helps me! And the parent educator and teacher have really taken on roles that my mom and MIL would likely perform if they were closer. So coop has really been helpful all around. It's just really become an important support network for me in a really short amount of time.

Also, I subscribed to MeetUp in our area. I have been getting emails for months and months, but I'm painfully shy IRL and NEVER got up the courage to go. Preschool coop I HAVE to go to. I'm forced to get out there and interact--once I'm out, I'm okay, it's just getting over the fear to get out there. Anyway, you've got lots of good ideas in this thread, just let us know how it's going!

[ellies mom]

You need to find an indoor playpark. Preferably one that is a coop. I met my core group of mom friends at one when my youngest was two. Five years later, we still get together on a regular basis. You don't want a class where you have to take part with your child. You want a safe fun environment where your child goes off and does their own thing so you can sit and chat with the moms.

I had moved to a new town and found it by chance and it was the best thing I could have done. The good thing about a coop is that you are forced to interact with the other moms so that gives you the chance to get to know them also.

[wellyes]

Join Facebook - it'll help keep you connected to old friends, and you can sign up for feeds on local stuff (town blog, clubs, etc) where you can start to get to know a few people.

[hellokitty]

www.momsclub.org
That's how I finally made friends. We went to all sorts of activities and nobody seemed interested in naking friends. Our moms club started out mainly with transplants, so everyone was eager to make friends. Mommy and me stroller class was awesome too for making friends.

[willow33]

I just moved here in late July so I completely understand what you going through. My boys are in school all day and I am home with dd who is 18 months. This is what I have done:

Found two mom's groups that have weekly playgroups and a mom's nite out once a month. I found one through meetup.com and another through a site called mom's like me. You should check if there is a mom's like me website for your city. The women I have met have been very nice and very welcoming. It does help that a lot of people here are from other places. Everyone was new at one point so they understand how hard it is to start over.

DD and I also do a music class and I agree that it is tough to meet friends that way. I'm friendly with the other moms during class, but have not extended that to out of the class.

[kbud]

I'd recommend mom's club or MOPs. I've personally had better experience with Moms club but I'm sure it just depends on the group. I was so sad there was not a moms club in our area when we moved.

I'd say it was really 3 years for me but we rented in one area for a year and then bought in a different area. So really about 2 years from when we bought our current house to really feel that I had some friends.

I actually think it's easy to meet people with little kids. My oldest is in 1st grade and I hardly know any of her friends moms well. I met more mom's at gymboree, preschool, mom's morning out etc. A lot of my first graders friends parents work full time so they are never at school.

Hang in there it does get better with time but you do have to put yourself out there.

[DebbieJ]

Join a Moms group of some sort--MOPS, MOMS Club, etc. That's how I met moms when I moved.

Another friend found/created a group on meetup.com and that is her core group of friends now that she is a SAHM.

[AnnieW625]

I would suggest joining a womens group like the Junior League. I did this when I moved to Long Beach, CA and I didn't know a soul. It was the best way for me to fit into the area. I have never been able to meet friends at classes with either of my DDs either. I did meet a few moms through Stroller Strides, but not many that I'd consider really close friends.

I know there are many preconceived notions about the Jr. League and it's all pumps and pearls, and ladies with oodles of money and time on their hands, but maybe it's just my league but it is very different than that. Less than 1/4 of our active membership (although we are a small league, only 100 active members) are SAHMs, many own their own businesses, and many like me have children, and work full time. Some leagues do spring and fall new member classes, many leagues no longer have a sponsorship requirement:thumbsup:, and there is no upper age limit to join another :thumbsup: . Good luck.

[edurnemk]

BTDT also with a baby a couple of times. The first time making friends was a lot easier because people were really outgoing and open. I made friends through our Baby and me Yoga class at the gym, we'd all go for coffee after the class. And then at Gymboree I really clicked with 2 other moms and we started doing playdates and going out for lunch.

So when we moved again (DS was 15 months) I thought I'd do the same, but at Gymboree the moms were not as open, just "hi!" and that's it. After a couple of months I started a friendship with a neighbor who had a son the same age as DS, we would run into each other when playing outside, we started talking more and then finally we started doing playdates. It took a while but I made a couple of good friends.

The third move with DS (23 months) has been harder, I have more family in the area but making real friends has been a challenge, and granted I was depressed the first few months so I wasn't making an effort. I have met a couple of moms at pre-school but we only see each other at school functions.

I'm the daughter of expats and have lived in 7 different cities/countries, went to 7 different schools from K to HS, etc throughout my life. So from my experience I think it takes AT LEAST 6 months to start feeling settled in. After a year you'll start feeling more at home. You never know where you're going to meet people who can become friends, so you have to make an extra effort to put yourself out there. I'm not outgoing, in fact I'm pretty shy, so I know it takes a big effort, but you just have to build up the nerve and try to start a conversation at the park, class, etc. Sometimes you'll click with someone, sometimes you won't. Maybe you'll make mom friends, or maybe you'll make friends at work or at a class.

I remember my mom made a lot of friends through the Junior League in a couple of places, and also through a Bible Study group. Of course with time she became close to a couple of moms from school, but mostly other expats, which makes it way easier.

[longtallsally05]

babysitting coop thru church helped me.

[alirebco]

Definitely try meetup or momsclub or other moms group organizations. Try to see if there's a local parenting magazine because they sometimes have groups listed in the back.

I actually made tons of friends when my son was 10-12 months old because I joined a moms group. I didn't know many other SAHMs before then so was feeling a bit lonely myself. The other moms are normally in the same situation as you!

[lmh2402]

thanks, guys

i will try to look into some groups tonight or tomorrow night

our routine is all so mixed up these days - feels like the days are longer, and the "me" time/relaxation time is almost non-existent b/c DH's commute now starts earlier and ends later...so dinner is later. cleaning the kitchen is later. and by the time i sit down at night it's usually almost 9pm.

life just feels chock-full of to-do lists with no end in sight...and very, very little time to try and personally settle in and find anything of interest in/around me.

but i guess it's still new. i think the moms groups could really help out

anyway, i'll look around for options tonight

[edurnemk]

- feels like the days are longer, and the "me" time/relaxation time is almost non-existent

What I did to get some "me" time was to enroll in a gym with excellent childcare, I didn't even like working out before that, LOL, but the 60-90 minutes I got to myself 2 or 3 times a week were priceless. I'd go to yoga or pilates class, or just work out for a little while on my own (the machines had individual TV, so I also got to watch shows I like instead of PBS Kids), and then take a nice shower, before picking DS up. A lot of moms in the gym did that, sometimes they didn't even work out much, but spent a looong while in the shower and sauna. It's a nice way to recharge.

[kbud]

What I did to get some "me" time was to enroll in a gym with excellent childcare, I didn't even like working out before that, LOL, but the 60-90 minutes I got to myself 2 or 3 times a week were priceless. I'd go to yoga or pilates class, or just work out for a little while on my own (the machines had individual TV, so I also got to watch shows I like instead of PBS Kids), and then take a nice shower, before picking DS up. A lot of moms in the gym did that, sometimes they didn't even work out much, but spent a looong while in the shower and sauna. It's a nice way to recharge.

Yep, that's what I do. Love it, working out is my break!

[Mom Magic]

I highly recommend Mothers & More, if there is a chapter near you. (www.mothersandmore.org) M&M focuses on activities for moms ("Moms need playgroups too" is what our chapter says) and has a big mix of members who work out of the house, stay at home moms, and everything in between. Our chapter has almost 200 members and there are tons of activities from book group and moms' nights out to topical discussion meetings to kids' playgroups. I've met some really great women through Mothers & More.

Andie

[MelissaTC]

www.momsclub.org
That's how I finally made friends. We went to all sorts of activities and nobody seemed interested in naking friends. Our moms club started out mainly with transplants, so everyone was eager to make friends. Mommy and me stroller class was awesome too for making friends.

Same for me. I met one of my best friends and then people know other people, and my circle grew pretty quickly!

[3blackcats]

I'll be watching this thread for ideas too. I find everyone in Northern VA to be very hard to approach. Since I stopped working, I've lost contact with a lot of people I saw every day.

[DrSally]

BTDT. It took about a year the first time, and the second time about 5 months (I was more proactive). I second the meetup and other mom's group suggestions. I also found great connections through LLL. After awhile, you seem to run into the same moms and you feel more comfortable in your new area. Trust me, it will happen. ITK how you feel though. It really bites at this stage :hug:

[Corie]

My best suggestion is to join a MOMS/MOPS group.

My kids are older now so I haven't joined one here in Cincinnati. I have
been meeting lots of women here in our neighborhood and at the kids' schools.

You really have to put yourself "out there". Sometimes, I have to force
myself to do things that are uncomfortable for me but I do it in hopes of
making new friends.

[hellokitty]

Same for me. I met one of my best friends and then people know other people, and my circle grew pretty quickly!

And to the OP, I prefer MOMS Club over MOPS, b/c I am not a religious person and MOPS is a christian mother's group. I was told by ppl that it was very, 'light,' but that was not my experience at all. The entire talk for the day would be centered around religion sometimes. Also, at the 3 MOPS I tried (yes, I gave it a good chance, b/c our local MOMS Club did not exist back then), most of them had assigned tables and you sat with the same ppl every time. It would work out if you hit it off with the ladies at your table, but sometimes you just didn't, "click" with anyone. Also, the only time we send our kids to the nursery for MOMS Club is for the monthly mtg, all other activities are mom and kids together. With MOPS, I was not comfortable with always having to send my child to the nursery for every mtg. It's different. I have friends who are in both and enjoy it, I have friends who LOVE MOPS, it didn't work out for me, but be warned that it is a christian mother's group, in case that is something that you feel strongly about.

[kbud]

And to the OP, I prefer MOMS Club over MOPS, b/c I am not a religious person and MOPS is a christian mother's group. I was told by ppl that it was very, 'light,' but that was not my experience at all. The entire talk for the day would be centered around religion sometimes. Also, at the 3 MOPS I tried (yes, I gave it a good chance, b/c our local MOMS Club did not exist back then), most of them had assigned tables and you sat with the same ppl every time. It would work out if you hit it off with the ladies at your table, but sometimes you just didn't, "click" with anyone. Also, the only time we send our kids to the nursery for MOMS Club is for the monthly mtg, all other activities are mom and kids together. With MOPS, I was not comfortable with always having to send my child to the nursery for every mtg. It's different. I have friends who are in both and enjoy it, I have friends who LOVE MOPS, it didn't work out for me, but be warned that it is a christian mother's group, in case that is something that you feel strongly about.

I had the same experience with 2 MOPs groups. I found both of them to be very judgmental about parenting and religious views. Yes, we stuck with the same table each meeting and I didn't click with them. I didn't mind sending my kid to the nursery but providing nursery care cost money which meant there was always a fund raiser. Most of the fundraisers needed volunteers and were not kid friendly. I was often asked if I could find someone to watch my kids so I could help at these fundraisers. I was at an area retreat where most where I learned the "real" mission for MOPs was to convert people to be Christian. They also were talking about members who were Catholic and how that wasn't right the things they believed and the Catholic Church required. I'm not Catholic but do consider myself Christian and was appalled! I also found that besides the 2 times a month meetings and fundraisers there was very little support. And pretty much nothing in the summer.

My Moms Club though was awesome. Super excepting and supportive. We did all sorts of activities, had monthly moms nights out. I loved it so much I became the president. I did find dealing with some of the International club stuff was a pain but could shield us pretty good from it.

[boolady]

I think it's also a difficult time of year. I know in our neighborhood, which is filled with kids, we made lots of friends and met all of our neighbors by just meeting up with other kids around DD's age who were playing outside. They play outside every night all late spring/summer/early fall. It's very different now that it's dark when we're all getting home and it's too cold and dark to hang out. My routine's a bit thrown by the change in what we do when we get home, too.

We've made some great friends in our neighborhood this way, so I wouldn't rule out the strong possibility that you'll really get to meet some neighbors and friends for your DS in the spring just by virtue of being out and about more.

[LD92599]

Another vote for Meetup! I've been part of 2 separate moms groups in NNJ through meetup.

I'm still part of this one, try it.....it may not be TOO far from you and would be a good start!

http://www.meetup.com/northern-nj-moms-group

I've heard of Hip Mama's as well and have several friends that are part of it.

[hellokitty]

I had the same experience with 2 MOPs groups. I found both of them to be very judgmental about parenting and religious views. Yes, we stuck with the same table each meeting and I didn't click with them. I didn't mind sending my kid to the nursery but providing nursery care cost money which meant there was always a fund raiser. Most of the fundraisers needed volunteers and were not kid friendly. I was often asked if I could find someone to watch my kids so I could help at these fundraisers. I was at an area retreat where most where I learned the "real" mission for MOPs was to convert people to be Christian. They also were talking about members who were Catholic and how that wasn't right the things they believed and the Catholic Church required. I'm not Catholic but do consider myself Christian and was appalled! I also found that besides the 2 times a month meetings and fundraisers there was very little support. And pretty much nothing in the summer.

My Moms Club though was awesome. Super excepting and supportive. We did all sorts of activities, had monthly moms nights out. I loved it so much I became the president. I did find dealing with some of the International club stuff was a pain but could shield us pretty good from it.

Lol, I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. We live in an area where we are very much the black sheep for not being extremely religious, so you cannot say ANYTHING bad about MOPS or ppl chew you out. I was AVP in MOMS Club for two yrs in a row and did not run again, b/c I was due with DS3. Intl, UGH, don't get me started. We are very by the book in our group, but the person overlooking our region is a pyscho-bitch. Now that we have a big sis again to help us, things are back under control, but we got thrown into probation over something completely DUMB about the newsletter, and what really ticked me off is that the newsletter is OPTIONAL and I can't believe we were getting dinged for something stupid (I think we forgot to put the copyright next to MOMS Club or something) that we didn't even HAVE to do to begin with. Some ppl need to get a life, but I have to say that being on the board for two yrs was overall a positive experience. Hope your presidency has gone smoothly. My friend served for 3 yrs and finally found someone to take over this past yr, but now she is thinking about running for PTO prez, lol.

[Melanie]

I felt this way after my first was born. We hadn't moved but none of my friends had children and we didn't use sitters so I really didn't even get to socialize with them anymore due to a difference in schedule. It took me a year and a half, and several classes (of several types!), before I found a group that clicked well together. I also tried a group like MOMs and at that point I'd sort of already found my groove but wished I'd found the group earlier b/c they were generally very welcoming and inviting. There were many activities and gatherings.

To the OP, I'm sorry. I remember what a lonely time that was. TG for the internet and at least some kind of outlet! I think I'd have gone mad otherwise.