missing chemistry with DH...

[Myira]

This is something I struggle with everyday and the thread on missing libido got me thinking.

Its been 6 years for our marriage and we were engaged a year before we got married. At the start of our relationship, I definitely did feel terrific attraction for him, could not keep my hands off of him as a matter of fact. I am not sure at what point that chemistry went out the window, but I do not remember feeling any spark at any point after our wedding.

I must mention I did have pain with intercourse and I do not know how much that contributed to all this. I no longer have the pain issue since DD's birth.

This year I made lifestyle changes, healthy diet and exercise and just paying a tad more attention to my appearance and its as if my dormant libido has woken up. I feel attracted to men around me at work and elsewhere, but feel no chemistry for DH. Our lovemaking is extremely unsatisfactory for me, DH cannot last longer and I have never been able to experience an orgasm from intercourse, and DH is poor/unimaginative at foreplay.

DH is very understanding and nice and really wants to work on changing this for me. I have visited my OB and seen a sex therapist but she did not seem to have a solution so to say. I have not given up on therapy or seeking another therapist, but oh boy, I do feel desperate and kinda hopeless many times.

[BabyBearsMom]

Sorry if this is a personal question, but prior to DH, were you able to have an orgasm from intercourse? Some women just can't but that doesn't mean you can't get one through other means. As for foreplay, your DH just might not know what to do. Have you told him specifically what you are interested in? I know that there was another thread poohpoohing this in the lounge, but sometimes watching a steamy movie can inspire you with some new ideas (there are a lot of movies that are for couples as opposed to just the male-centric ones). What about trying role playing? Sometimes, a stranger is more appealing than what you are used to but role playing allows you a safe way to act on that without cheating. Just some ideas.

[edurnemk]

I could've written a big part of your post. Except I never had pain during intercourse and the chemistry died when DS was born. We've also been married 6 years + 1 engaged + 2.5 dating. The lack of chemistry with him makes me so sad.

It is very hard for me to experience an orgasm, as well, I think I had one once.

I don't have any real solution yet, but I just wanted to share that a friend of mine who's a sex therapist gave me this book (http://www.amazon.com/101-Nights-Grrreat-Sex-Seductions/dp/0962962813/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290195051&sr=8-1) as a gift for my bridal shower, and we finally unearthed it from the bottom of a drawer a few weeks ago and decided to give it a try. I'll let you know how that works out for us. I'm a bit of a prude and have always been shy, so some of the seductions in the book have been a challenge for me. But it does give a lot of ideas on ways to make having an orgasm easier.

[MoJo]

I can relate to most of that, too. Painful intercourse for 10 years before DC, great attraction pre-marriage, great loss of attraction afterwards, little or no foreplay.

Do you remember what it was that attracted you before? For me, a big factor was the kissing. If whatever it was is something you can get back to, that might help.

ETA: You may find some ideas from this old thread helpful: http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread (http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=348761&highlight=dyspareunia&page=3)

[Myira]

BabyBearsMom, I was a virgin when I met DH, So must say it is possible that I may be one of those who just wont get an orgasm from intercourse. But it is also a fact that it just ends too quickly for me to feel any build up of pleasure. We go a little longer if he uses a condom, since he says it numbs sensation. DH's theory is that he is conditioned to ejaculate faster since he is always doomed to solo action, and then with that there is no visual stimulation. Solo action since our frequency really sucks and always has and is one of his constant gripes and our source of arguments. Nowadays, when he complains of the frequency, I feel its unfair since I should be the one complaining of dissatisfaction. Sorry this is so personal & TMI...

I must mention I can easily get an orgasm manually or with a toy.

MoJo, I just can't pinpoint what attracted me before marriage, but I probably was so turned on then, that his lack of skills & expertise in this area didn't even register. Unfortunately, although we did hanky-panky, we did never actually have intercourse before marriage, so I do not know what it would have/could have been.

[crazydiamond]

DH is poor/unimaginative at foreplay.

DH is very understanding and nice and really wants to work on changing this for me. .


If he really wants to improve.

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1290438576&sr=1-1

[DrSally]

But it is also a fact that it just ends too quickly for me to feel any build up of pleasure. We go a little longer if he uses a condom, since he says it numbs sensation. ...

There are specific sex therapy techniques to help a man learn how to last longer. Regardless of the cause, this might be something helpful to both of you. Also, the book on foreplay is a great suggestion.

[BabyBearsMom]

BabyBearsMom, I was a virgin when I met DH, So must say it is possible that I may be one of those who just wont get an orgasm from intercourse. But it is also a fact that it just ends too quickly for me to feel any build up of pleasure. We go a little longer if he uses a condom, since he says it numbs sensation. DH's theory is that he is conditioned to ejaculate faster since he is always doomed to solo action, and then with that there is no visual stimulation. Solo action since our frequency really sucks and always has and is one of his constant gripes and our source of arguments. Nowadays, when he complains of the frequency, I feel its unfair since I should be the one complaining of dissatisfaction. Sorry this is so personal & TMI...

I must mention I can easily get an orgasm manually or with a toy.

MoJo, I just can't pinpoint what attracted me before marriage, but I probably was so turned on then, that his lack of skills & expertise in this area didn't even register. Unfortunately, although we did hanky-panky, we did never actually have intercourse before marriage, so I do not know what it would have/could have been.

Personally (between you and me and everyone reading this board), I can rarely finish from intercourse. But, my DH is understanding about that and ensure that I finish from another way everytime. As far as lasting time, it is like everything, practice make perfect. The more you do it, the more men can learn to control it. Also, I find that adding a make out session that doesn't end in sex once or twice a week really gets the blood and desires pumping again.

[Dream]

If he really wants to improve.

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1290438576&sr=1-1

This book has received amazing reviews.... too bad my DH wouldn't pick up a book even if his life depend on it.

Not to side track... but is there a opposite of this book?

[crazydiamond]

This book has received amazing reviews.... too bad my DH wouldn't pick up a book even if his life depend on it.

Not to side track... but is there a opposite of this book?

My wife liked the results. However, until she had understood I read the book - she worried where I had been learning new things. Always need to keep improving yourself - and bringing new things to the marriage.

Opposite of this book - you mean one for women to improve?

[DrSally]

...Always need to keep improving yourself - and bringing new things to the marriage.


I like your attitude!

[Dream]

My wife liked the results. However, until she had understood I read the book - she worried where I had been learning new things. Always need to keep improving yourself - and bringing new things to the marriage.

Opposite of this book - you mean one for women to improve?

Yes, I'm thinking... if I can improve then I can try to get him to read this book in return.

[karstmama]

it's on the kinky side, but i got lots of great tips from gay sites. i figured guys would know, right?

[LadyPeter]

There is a great book for women. I needed it because, like the OP, I was a virgin when I married and had no clue what I was doing! I really liked How to Be a Great Lover, by Lou Paget.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Great-Lover-Lou-Paget/dp/0749921048/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290537763&sr=8-1

[BabbyO]

I must mention I can easily get an orgasm manually or with a toy.


FWIW, I'm similar...I can orgasm manually or with a toy, but not so easily during intercourse. DH and I had a talk a long time ago about it...and we've just incorporated it into our love making. So I get to start out well revved (and usually one or two orgasms in the bag) before intercourse. DH participates in helping me achieve orgasm...then we move on to intercourse. This has made it possible for me to enjoy intercourse much more...and I even manage mini-orgasms sometimes during intercourse. We both end up feeling much more fulfilled.

[niccig]

I suggest try astroglide lubricant. You said that intercourse used to be painful, and I wonder if even though it no longer hurts, you might be tensing and therefore not relaxing. It was highly recommended in previous posts. You can get at the drugstore or target.

I also agree with the more practice, together and by yourself. And remember that libido/attraction are peaks and troughs...and it's difficult with being tired from kids to be at a peak. You could also see if maybe birth control is affecting your libidio - try swapping to something else and see if that helps anything.