DH office closing, help me think this through? ( long)

[crl]

So they are closing the SF office of dh's firm in June. He is welcome to move to the Palo Alto office and will do so. We more or less knew this was coming, but thought it was two to three years down the road.

We agree we need to stay here for the remainder of the school year. DH is willing to do the extra commute time.

But when do we move? DS is a very anxious kid. We were hoping to hold out here until he had to change schools for middle school anyway. But he is only in first grade. That's a long time to do the long commute, both for dh's sake and for the rest of us. DS is very anxious on nights he doesn't see dh before bed, which is two or so a week now due to long work hours, client dinners, etc. The extra commute will make that much worse. So the timing of the move cuts both ways for ds' anxiety.

Additionally we need another year or so before we feel financially ready to buy again. Looks like rents would be higher in Palo Alto and vicinity. Plus renting down there just means an additional move with all of the accompanying stresses and expenses.

Another option would be to move to the south part of SF, which would allow ds to stay in his school and shorten dh's commute. But I'm not sure if it is a good plan long range because I am concerned about SF public schools for ds for middle and for dd for elementary (no sibling preference for her as they don't overlap in grade school and we don't have neighborhood schools at all here). Itwould also mean an hour round trip of me driving ds to school each day, so 2 hours of drive time. It also takes away from our current fabulous neighborhood.

I guess I'm thinking we should try to stay here for the rest of this school year and all of next to save money, then buy and move down south. It kills me to think of making poor ds move yet again though.

Do you see other options? What would you do?

Thanks,
Catherine

[mezzona]

that is a hard one. moving schools can be hard on a kid.. at least it was for me. i changed schools in the first grade, stayed there until i started middle school, and went to a middle school in another part of town, where none of my old school mates attended. i have to say the middle school move was the hardest for me. but, that's just my experience.

i dont know you're entire situation, but if those were my circumstances, i would move to palo alto, have DCs switch school while still young, and retain whatever time my DCs would have to spend with DH.

this is a hard one, so i wish you the best. glad your DH has the option, as these are tough times.

[WolfpackMom]

I would move while he is young. I hopped all over the place as a kid, it is MUCH easier to move to a new school when you are younger. I would either finish out the school year and then move, or even move before the school year is over to give him a chance to make some friends he can play with over the summer. My parents would sometimes have us move with a month or two of school left and while it difficult coming into a new classroom in that way, it is helpful for summer breaks rather than spending the whole summer alone without knowing anyone (I definitely experienced it both ways as a kid).

Sorry you are in such a tight spot! Its a really hard thing to figure out, but I am sure having DH closer to work and therefore able to be around more would be better for the family as a whole in the long run.

[minnie-zb]

I'd move sooner than later. Long commutes are horrible and it's better for your son to see more of your husband vs. less. It really will make the quality of life for your family better sooner rather than later. We had to do a crazy commute for a year and it was awful.

[bubbaray]

Another vote for moving sooner rather than later. Isn't SF the district that assigns schools in some sort of random lottery, not by neighborhood catchment? So, your DS could get assigned somewhere else, as could your DD? Personally, I'd be a-OK leaving that kind of system behind (though I only know what I know from the less-than-flattering posts about it here, not first hand).

I'd rent in Palo Alto and try to find a house to purchase there or in reasonable commuting distance from there in a good school district that didn't have crazy assignment processes.

GL!

[AnnieW625]

I guess I'm thinking we should try to stay here for the rest of this school year and all of next to save money, then buy and move down south. It kills me to think of making poor ds move yet again though.

Do you see other options? What would you do?



:yeahthat: that is what I would do, wait at least a year to move south. Could your DH take Cal Train to help ease his commute? DH loved taking the train vs. driving when he was in the bay area (he did Livermore to Santa Clara on ACE train).

Good luck w/your decision.

[crl]

Thanks for the feedback. SF does have an insane school assignment system. DS got into a really good elementary though and can stay there through 5th as long as we stay in the city. So the next time it is an issue for us is when he goes to middle and dd starts K--the same years.

I appreciate the sooner is bettter point of view.

Catherine

[crl]

:yeahthat: that is what I would do, wait at least a year to move south. Could your DH take Cal Train to help ease his commute? DH loved taking the train vs. driving when he was in the bay area (he did Livermore to Santa Clara on ACE train).

Good luck w/your decision.

Thanks! Given where we live in the city I don't think Cal Train would help--he'd have to go across town to catch it I'm pretty sure. We are near a few city bus lines, but that's it.

We will have to sit down and run the numbers to see how soon we could comfortably buy. We could probably scrape up a down payment this summer, but don't want to be without some emergency reserves, iykwim.

Can I also just whine a bit? We've moved 6 times in the six years since ds came home with us from China. Everytime I get us set up with playmates and doctors and babysitters and think that maybe, just maybe, I could look for work, we move. Sick and tired of it. Really. This has been worse than the military. (We were both military brats and dh did 13 years in the Marine Corps.)

Thank you all for the feedback!
Catherine

[egoldber]

I would also say to move sooner rather than later. I think it is easier on a kid to move before late elementary when the friendship groups are more firmly established. And honestly, I worried myself into a tizzy about moving older DD (with anxiety) to a different school and it has been soooooo seamless. We did a lot of prep work over the summer with her therapist and the school counselor was incredibly helpful as well.

Also, just speaking from our own experiences, I think the stress brought on by a long commute for your DH could be just as bad or worse as a school move.

[jenfromnj]

I would also say to move sooner rather than later. I think it is easier on a kid to move before late elementary when the friendship groups are more firmly established.


I agree with this. My family moved twice (local moves, but far enough to make us change schools) while I was in elementary. The move when I was going into 2nd grade was much smoother than the move when I was in 5th grade--it was much easier to just jump into the swing of things. But the time I hit 5th grade in a new school, the cliques and social hierarchy had been a lot more firmly established, and it took a little while to find my footing.

[kristenk]

I also think that moving sooner rather than later would be better.

DD had 2 new (to the school) kids in her class this year. All of the kids who had been in school together last year thought they were so incredibly interesting. I talked to DD about making sure to be very nice to the new kids and include them, etc., but I didn't need to say a thing. All of the old kids decided that the new ones were very cool. Oh, and DD's in 1st grade.

[[email protected]]

I'd move in June. I think you'd add to your son's anxiety by waiting longer b/c at 6 he's bound to know that you'd be moving eventually. I think it's better that he experience the stress of the move than live a year or more anticipating it. Especially since waiting would make life worse for everyone. Long commutes are difficult on all parties involved. Give your son the summer to meet new friends and be comfortable with the neighborhood before he starts at the new school. JMHO.

Christine

[kozachka]

We moved to Palo Alto in May, just weeks before the end of the school year. If I were to do it again, I'd wait till the end of June. DS felt much better (albeit not great) about his new class in fall. We are attending a school that has a lot of international students so they are used to having new students, which I think has helped. We moved earlier to ensure space at the neighbourhood school, it was stressful since we did not know school assignment till Friday the week before DS was to start school next week. A colleague of mine moved to Palo Alto over the summer, and they also did not know until just the school started if they'd get into 'their' school. At least we did not have to worry for months.

Good luck with your decision. I was communiting from mid-Peninsula to South Bay for about 2 months, about an hour each way, and thought I'd go nuts. Hence moving sooner rather than later. Of course, DH was gone for most of the time, so it did not help the situation. But I can't imagine commuting an hour each way, working long hours at a demanding job, and being a good parent/spouse. So another vote for sooner, rather than later. We are renting, so it was an easier decision. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

[citymama]

Some thoughts:
1) The schools down near Palo Alto, Los Altos, Sunnyvale are really great. If there is a way to rent in that market (after your DS's school yr is done), I would encourage you to do it. My recc for less expensive rents than PA in a great school district would be Mountainview - there's a part of MV that's in the Los Altos school district where there is a fantastic town house complex, right by Caltrain. Email me for more info, but we've considered it as well at various times.
2) If you are keen to stay in the city, then what about moving closer out to near Caltrain? Where you currently are is very inconvenient for your DH to schlep down to PA. Maybe if he took the train and got to do some work/read/nap on the train that would take some of the stress out of his day. There's a shuttle bus at the PA Caltrain that many commuters use.

Personally, I think that 4 years of that commute would be a huge strain on your DH. And I also think that if PA is going to be where your DH is for the long term, and you would need to move near there some time anyway, then it's a good idea to get your DS acclimatized to the school system there, making friends and settling in when he is younger. (I agree that you want to wait out this school year.) It's a long long time till middle school. But you know best about your DS and family's needs. Just know you have some great options. I hope this works out well for you!

PS Just think, warmer summers await you! :yay:

[connor_mommy]

I live in Mountain View and we're in the Los Altos School district. One thing to check, and it'll be a while for you, is how many K classes the school has. One of the two best Sunnyvale elementary school has about 8 K classes with max allowed students. I know in our school it's between 3 and 4 each year with about 20 per class.

[srhs]

When you get closer to the move, can you build it up as a good thing that you'll be able to have DH home more? More Daddy time? Like build some excitement and anticipation (only of course if DH is sure he can deliver and doesn't have other work commitments snowballing).

[HannaAddict]

I would move sooner rather than later. I've had friends do that commute pre-kids to our Palo Alto office (I was with a Palo Alto based firm at their PNW office) and it sucked. It would be awful with kids. Your child will do fine with moving sooner and make friends. We had two new children join my child's first grade class (one from CA, one from public school) and they are able to fit in, popular with the other kids as the "new" kids and invited to play dates, etc. I think it would be much harder when the kids are older and can't imagine living that far from work by choice for several years of elementary school. Good luck. Sorry to hear they are closing more offices.

[kwc]

Catherine, we've "spoken" before, and I think that renting in PA as soon as the school year is up would be better. However, depending on where in PA it is, you may not find out your neighborhood school until the Friday before classes because many of the schools are oversubscribed. However, I think it would be awesome for your kids to experience a warm Peninsula summer! My DD, who had "fog" as one of her first 25 words, has become a total sun bum since our move.
I think moving to Southern SF may cut 20 min off the commute time for your DH but you lose all the advantages of living in the City and neighborhood friends except for your DS's school. I just don't think this is a good compromise.

What affects your DS's anxiety more... moving or not having your DH around? I was blown away at how easy the move was for my somewhat rigid DD. She made friends quickly in school and in the neighborhood.
Our elementary has 3 classes per grade of 20-23 kids depending on grade. The kids who have entered in either during the year of moved in summer seem to have done well.

Until we moved to PA, I commuted with the kids from SF to PA (and beyond) 3 days/wk with my PT job and it was painful and exhausting. Now that we've moved, DH still commutes back up to SF and we often don't see him for dinner (which was true in SF as well) but at least he has room for a home office so he can see them at bedtime and finish a couple of things up at home if he needs to.

[citymama]

This is a total hijack, but BA moms, we've gotta get together sometime! I had totally forgotten that you were in the area as well, kwc!

[TwinFoxes]

My DD, who had "fog" as one of her first 25 words...

That is funny. :)



I think moving to Southern SF may cut 20 min off the commute time for your DH but you lose all the advantages of living in the City and neighborhood friends except for your DS's school. I just don't think this is a good compromise.


I agree with this. Your DH won't experience a significantly better commute, and you'll leave your cool neighborhood (I don't know where, but there are a bunch of SF niehgborhoods I'd hate to leave!)

I also vote for moving early. I switched schools in 2nd grade, and it was really easy. I think doing it at middle school would be much, much harder. That's when cliques seem to be at their worst.

[ThreeofUs]

I guess I'd tell citymama that I need to move and have her come look at my house! (Just kidding! But she's been looking SO long....)

Seriously, ITA with move sooner than later, esp with an anxious child. GL to you all!

[crl]

Thanks for all the feedback. I really appreciate the chance to "talk" this through.

I agree with those who observe that it is generally easier to move when you are younger. Dad was army so I moved a lot and the only hard one for me was the one in the middle of the school year in 7th grade. I also had worried a bit about whether ds would be behind academicallymoving from as SF school to a Palo Alto area school for middle school, so sooner would be better for that reason as well.

We are actually currently renting, when I say buy again, it is because we owned before (twice actually) in Arlington VA. But our current neighborhood is beyond fabulous, a bunch of very nice and helpful moms on the block with a ton of kids to play with. Leaving this will be very hard for me. I have a lot of support and help here. It will also be very hard on ds who has a very hard time with moving and with changing schools, I wish I could believe it will be easy for him, but we done both multiple times and it is hard for him.

DH also points out that although he has no plans to leave his firm, in this economy nothing is certain and he is worried he will end up looking for a job for some reason or other and we will just end up with him working in SF again.

My head is still spinning a bit. But dh and I agree that we will stay put for the rest of the school year, save as much as possible, investigate schools and housing in Palo Alto and vicinity and make a decision about whether or not to move over the summer closer to the end of the school year.

I especially appreciate the feedback on Palo Alto and area schools and how enrollment works, if anyone has more insight on that it would be great!

Thank you all!
Catherine

[connor_mommy]

My friend rents in Palo Alto. She lives near Mitchell Park and her son attends first grade at Fairmeadow. When you do check out PA, there are certain areas that are more pricey. They are usually doctors and business execs.

[kwc]

TwinFoxes, you think that's funny about the "fog"... when she was 4, I reminded her to grab a jacket as she ran out into the yard... she whipped around, saying, "Duh, mom! It's JULY!"

For Catherine, it seems very easy to meet new families when starting the new school year in elementary school but you might flounder around a bit during the summer unless you join a swim club (I KNOW... SO NOT SF)/ kids activity or DS is at camp... we can discuss camps if/ when the time comes.

Here is some registration info from the PAUSD website. I have been so happy with DDs school/ teachers and have full confidence that they will be able to work well with my very active and somewhat quirky DS when he starts next year. For priority registration, you would have to registering online in Jan/Feb (with a full time address)... I imagine that anytime after that you would not know which school you get until August, but some of the schools are not oversubscribed so if you are in those areas, you would most likely get the school.
http://www.pausd.org/parents/registration/index.shtml

I will PM you with demographic info about the schools and a district boundary map, and which ones I think are more oversubscribed (isn't it sad that their made-up word is totally part of my vocab)?

Citymama, would love a BA meetup, though DH would think I am nuts!!!!! I don't think he believes in my cyber-friends!

[diegosmom]

I have to echo the move sooner rather than later posts. I am a military brat and moved about every 2 years and found as I got older, the moves got harder and the attachments were stronger. Especially when we moved to areas that where there were not alot of other miliary brats. In my opinion, it's harder for an older child to fit in when they are the only that didn't "grow up" or go to elementary school with everyone else.

[mmommy]

As someone who also moved often when young I'd echo the advice to move sooner rather than later. I can see that this advice isn't popular here, but I'd move before the school year ends. This will enable your DC to connect with other children in your new location. Otherwise you chance the DC having a long, lonely summer.

[Corie]

But when do we move? DS is a very anxious kid. We were hoping to hold out here until he had to change schools for middle school anyway.




I have to be completely honest and say that I do not like your initial time-frame
for moving. Being the new kid in middle school would be horrible!! I taught
middle school and those kids can be brutal. Plus, my brothers were in middle
school when we moved from small-town Ohio to Dallas, Texas and it was incredibly
hard. Middle school kids have usually been together since early elementary school and it's hard for a newcomer.

I would say to move sooner rather than later! But that's just my opinion.

[baymom]

Catherine,

Would you consider moving somewhere on the Peninsula, instead of Palo Alto? It would cut your DH's commute in half, and also be reasonable if at some point he lost his job and had to come back to the City to work. (as you mentioned in your last post) This way, you wouldn't have to uproot DS in the future... Burlingame is known for great schools, as is Hillsborough--though many of the Peninsula schools are fantastic.

My DH used to work for a firm in SF and then later a firm in PA (while we lived in Pac Heights--very inconvenient for easy freeway access) and his commute time was definitely a strain on our quality of life. We ended up moving to San Mateo because in his line of work, most of his job opportunities would either be in SF or PA. This way, no matter where he ends up, his commute will be somewhat reasonable and we won't have to uproot the family.

Two years ago, he left his firm in PA to start his own and now his office is biking distance from our house, which has been so great. So, I do understand the draw to living VERY close to your DH's office....but I wanted to throw out another option to consider. :p GL with the decision!!

[crl]

I have to be completely honest and say that I do not like your initial time-frame
for moving. Being the new kid in middle school would be horrible!! I taught
middle school and those kids can be brutal. Plus, my brothers were in middle
school when we moved from small-town Ohio to Dallas, Texas and it was incredibly
hard. Middle school kids have usually been together since early elementary school and it's hard for a newcomer.

I would say to move sooner rather than later! But that's just my opinion.

Yeah, I think this previous strategy makes more sense if you live in SF. Here everyone gets split up for middle school anyway because it is a whole new lottery. So you start all over in middle. Anyway, I don't think we will try to hold out that long in SF now.

I think we will try to time a move for the end of summer. I've done the middle of the school year move as a kid and it was horrible so while I understand the logic, I'm not convinced.

I think the in between point suggestion has some merit and will have to give that some more thought.

More feedback welcome!

Thanks everyone!
Catherine

[Melanie]

ITA, move Sooner, the younger the better. We just moved to the Peninsula area as well. I'd love to live in P.A. :) Even their post office is cute!

Anyway, Ds is 9 and it's been really hard on him. Not during the day, at school. His teacher and class have been really welcomingand he's adjusting well. However he's voiced to us at lot how much he misses things. OTOH my 5 yo really doesn't care at all.

As for the rent first, if I could buy now, I would. It seems like a good time and renting anything nice here seems impossible if you have a dog (we do just got her less than a year before we found out we were moving here. Bad timing!). I'm finding they only want to rent total garbage houses if you have a pet. But if you don't have a dog, there's a huge rental market here for many tastes.

I would move at the beginning of summer so you have more time to get settled before starting school, but look for local opportunities to connect with children so summer won't be so long and lonely. It was a bit for Dc, but we did have them each in a week of camp at their school and Ds in another at the local Park & Rec. Neither really formed lasting relationships as I'd hoped, from the camps, to carry through the rest of summer, but it did give them something fun to do for that time period (and me more time to unpack, alone!).

[Mom to Brandon and 2 cats]

If your DH can drive 280, that commute is a lot better than 101. 101 is a parking lot (it takes me 35 minutes to commute 12 miles).

The further south you go, the cheaper the housing gets. We live in Sunnyvale, where the school districts are very good, and in my neck of the woods (we feed to one of the best elementary schools), a 3-4 bedroom house goes for around $1M. Downside, is that there is not much available here for rent.

Another option is to have DH commute to the Millbrae Caltrain station. It's really nice! And then take Caltrain into Palo Alto. If he can catch an express train, that's even better.

Good luck.

I'd love to be part of any Bay Area meetup!
Jennifer

[crl]

Thanks you all!

Unfortunately, ds is the kind of kid who has trouble with change and remembers things forever. The other day he spontaneously brought up kids he went to preschool with for 5 months when he was 2. He remembered names I had forgotten and he had no prompts at all. He says things like I want to be three again (7 now) because we had pancakes every Saturday--which is true. So, while I agree that younger is better, it flat-out won't be easy for/with him no matter what.

At any rate, we have tentatively decided to wait out this year and next. The Palo Alto office might be moving to different space in Palo Alto. AND we should have a much better feel for dh's long term prospects in that time frame for a variety of reasons. We definitely don't want to move this summer only to do it again the next summer.

I think the commute is going to really suck for all of us, but at least dh has a job and at least we are in a place with a good support network.

Catherine