Holiday Entertaining: Do you feel pressure to have a perfectly neat & clean house?

[ha98ed14]

My choices this year are to host the 2-days-after-Christmas in-law dinner or be stuck going to SIL's. I have to decide which is the lesser of the two evils. If I have it here, then I get it on my terms, but I also feel this huge pressure to have an immaculately clean house. If you're hosting, WDYD? Clean for days? Declutter and hire a one time maid service? Not worry about the "lived in" look?

It's even more complicated because our house is small. It fits the 3 of us just fine, but add S&BIL and their 4 children plus my M&FIL and it's gonna be tight. But it's tight at SIL's too because they are hoarders. I'm not joking. They have to unearth the dining room table in order for us to eat.

[SnuggleBuggles]

So, yesterday I hosted a party and I had visions of a clean, sparkling, clutter free house. I got 90% to the goal then ran out of time! No one cared one bit. In the final 1.5 hours before the party I started chucking stuff in my bedroom and shut the door. Of course, one of the kiddos wound up in there and some of the grown ups saw it.:bag You know what though? We joked about it and it was fine! I invited people that I knew would like me even if my house wasn't perfect. I think I am giving up on perfect.

I have a list of priorities now- clean table, vacuumed floor (maybe mopped kitchen and bathroom floor if there is time), clean bathrooms, fresh towels and toilet paper in the bathroom, picked up to a good degree but not obsessed about everything lined up or put away perfectly (the kids will just tear things apart in 10 minutes anyway!!), good food, good drinks, and good company.

I wish I had 15 more minutes yesterday b/c my bin of misc. crap that should have been hidden in my bedroom is still sitting right here, prominently, in my family room. Ah well.

Beth

[dotgirl]

I blame my mom, but .. yes. Well. Sort of. I want my house basically totally clean, all the time. It drives me nuts when I have to clear clutter off the table before dinner, or the coffee table has stuff piled on it. Guh, I'm getting irritated thinking about it!

Fortunately I have a twice weekly housekeeper, and she's coming this week - and our party is next week, so I'll be set. (And, I have to say, having a housekeeper really helps keep the clutter down, cause I don't want to pay her to sort mail, you know? So we keep everything tidy and she does the deep cleaning.)

[jenfromnj]

I can get a bit crazy about it for family events, but that's just because my MIL is really persnickety about those kinds of things, and has a tendency to gossip, and I just don't want to deal with it (the drama she tried to cause b/c I hadn't vaccumed my house when they dropped in 5 days after I had a c-section was ugly!). But otherwise, for my own family or friends, I try not to get too crazy--they don't really care if they can see their reflection in our wood moldings, LOL.

Pre-DS, I cared a lot more--now I just accept that there's a certain amount of chaos here most of the time, it's kind of our new normal. We also used to have a cleaning woman when we were both working, so that made a huge difference.

[Edensmum]

I do, but honestly my house is just not put together at the moment. I have the coffee table pushed against the entertainment center to prevent ds from getting in there, and a bin of clothes being used as a gate, the chair pushed to block an outlet, and a large play yard type gate blocking off the living room. So even clean it's not really right lol.
Then I feel like we are overwhelmed with stuff. I'm stressing about Christmas because I know they are getting more toys and there are so many around now that I spend most of my day picking them up or walking around them. I need time to purge some but ds is just now getting into the baby toys and more are coming out.

[kijip]

I do not. My house is pretty clean and we have a cleaning service now which makes it easier but if someone is gonna be uptight about duplos on the living room floor than they are not kindred spirits to me or mine. So no pressure.

My brother's house is a hot mess disaster and it is a total bummer to have holidays there because he does not clean up at all. Ever. Anything that is cleanish with or without some clutter is fine by me for holiday dinner.

[rlu]

yes, but we don't ever get the house spankin' clean. We generally shut the doors to the office and our bedroom. Our house is definitely lived in. My mom's is always clean.

[KrisM]

I do want it all clean, but it won't be all picked up and neat. I find it's impossible to stay on that while the kids are still in the house. We're hosting Christmas Eve this year and I will start cleaning the week of and by Thursday it will all be clean enough. Thursday night I'll finish all the clean-up that will happen, but the kids rooms will not be perfect for sure. Neither will our bedroom be. DH generally takes the kids to the basement to play while I finish things up, so the main floor does look good, but the rest is eh.

[niccig]

I do. And it's because of how I was raised. I run around like a mad woman snapping at DH and DS for even *thinking* about getting something out that I just put away. I'm cleaning, putting things away, hiding things in my closet. And then there's the stress about the food. My mother makes everything from scratch, so I feel like I must do the same.

You know what? Behaving like that means I'm so stressed I do NOT enjoy the holiday celebration. And holidays are about PEOPLE and MEMORIES and EXPERIENCES...not about whether you can see your reflection in your gleaming wooden table or a home-baked apple pie. So, I'm setting new expectations for myself.

I prepare like SnuggleBuggies does - vaccum, clean bathrooms, clean kitchen so we can work at the counters. I'll neatly stack things, put them away so I have clean horizontal surfaces. Food, I make what I have time for and I buy what I can't do.

It sounds like your house on it's worst day will be better than your SIL's, so I wouldn't overly stress about it. I would also host the dinner, as you don't like that everything revolves around SIL's plans, so start a precedent of YOU having some of the holiday celebrations.

[srhs]

oh man, covered table = hoader? :(
Can it just mean too little space and too little time?

[firstbaby]

For me, I would rather host than travel. For example, my parents are divorced so if we don't host a holiday and invite both sides of our family, it means figuring out how to do three gatherings for that holiday (my mom, my dad and ILs) or deciding who gets left out for that holiday which has never gone well. The last two times we have hosted a holiday (with 30 plus people), I declutter a few days before and hire a crew to come in for a one time deep clean. I figure it is 6 to 8 hours that I have back with my kids rather than not only doing the cleaning but also being short tempered with them while doing it. However, I would say for "core" family like the group you mentioned, I would be fine with everything generally dusted, vaccuumed, and picked up and not worry about sparkling glass windows, etc.

[TwinFoxes]

If I were you I'd host, since you've had some pretty long term issues with SIL lifestyle choices. I would jump at the chance.

Personally, I want the common areas, kitchen, and bathrooms super clean and tidy. I think it makes for a more pleasant party. Bedrooms and office, well that's what doors are for. :) At this point in my life, I'd schedule my newly found housekeeper for the day of. I don't think a deep clean is necessary, but whenever she leaves it feels deep cleaned!

I wouldn't have a problem with DDs having a couple of toys out, but I wouldn't let them break out their matching 40 piece Mr. Potato Head sets, you know? :)

I'm surprised your SILs want to host, I thought hoarders tend to not let people in their houses.

[Corie]

I am super freaky with everything being organized and clean on a normal
day-to-day basis so I go a little overboard when people come over!!

[carolinamama]

I have a maid service coming today for a one-time cleaning job before the holidays. I am SO EXCITED. But usually it is up to me to maintain our house. Therefore I try to have it in the best condition possible. I try for immaculate but it just never happens. And by the time I am hosting Christmas events, my one-time cleaning will be a few weeks old. I'll make sure I vacuum and mop (no one wants dog hair everywhere) and have a clean kitchen and clean bathrooms. But that will be it. I grew up with a perfectionist house-keeping mother. Her house is immaculate anytime. She vacuums daily and keeps her clutter completely organized all.the.time. I am not exaggerating at all. So I feel alot of stress to keep my house better but it just isn't me. It has taken me many years to accept that we are just different.

As an aside - I love going to other peoples' houses when they aren't perfect. It makes me feel better about my own and I can relax better there. Maybe that's strange but seeing other peoples' clutter or stuff thrown in their bedroom is comforting somehow. Makes it all a more human experience.

[egoldber]

As an aside - I love going to other peoples' houses when they aren't perfect. It makes me feel better about my own and I can relax better there. Maybe that's strange but seeing other peoples' clutter or stuff thrown in their bedroom is comforting somehow. Makes it all a more human experience.

:yeahthat: Super clean and tidy spaces often make me uncomfortable, like having my stuff there is an intrusion. Especially when the host scurries around putting everything away. My MIL does this and it drives me nuts. But I know that my house drives her nuts too. :o

No, I don't feel like everything should be super tidy. Clean is different. I do think things should be clean. And I make sure that all surfaces where someone might want to eat, put down a drink, etc. are cleared of items. But my goal is not to have every single item put away.

I do clear away about 50% of the kids toys because otherwise we end up with a HUGE mess, and the kids tend to actually play better when fewer toys are available.

[lizzywednesday]

YES! Absolutely.

But I am putting extra pressure on myself because we'll be on vacation until after New Year's and I would REALLY like to come home to a clean house rather than a cluttered one.

I have a plan.

It will take several days, but it should be worth the efforts.

[wellyes]

Not really. The place is clean enough and tidied up, but still feels lived in. I used to stress about it but I started thinking... when I visit other people, I don't judge them anywhere near as harshly as I judge myself. It would bother me if my visit was a source of stress and arguments. And do unto myself as I'd do unto others. So now I aim for spruced up, no more no less.

[g-mama]

I am super freaky with everything being organized and clean on a normal
day-to-day basis so I go a little overboard when people come over!!

:yeahthat:

[crayonblue]

Nope. I keep my house mostly presentable and have cleaners regularly so it's always sort of ready. But, it's a house with kids so there are always toys around and half finished projects.

I'm usually really uncomfortable in model looking homes (my kids will surely mess something up!) so I prefer going to my friends' houses who keep the lived in look.

[crayonblue]

:yeahthat: Super clean and tidy spaces often make me uncomfortable, like having my stuff there is an intrusion. Especially when the host scurries around putting everything away. My MIL does this and it drives me nuts. But I know that my house drives her nuts too. :o

No, I don't feel like everything should be super tidy. Clean is different. I do think things should be clean. And I make sure that all surfaces where someone might want to eat, put down a drink, etc. are cleared of items. But my goal is not to have every single item put away.

I do clear away about 50% of the kids toys because otherwise we end up with a HUGE mess, and the kids tend to actually play better when fewer toys are available.

Totally agree.

[mamicka]

:yeahthat: Super clean and tidy spaces often make me uncomfortable, like having my stuff there is an intrusion. Especially when the host scurries around putting everything away. My MIL does this and it drives me nuts. But I know that my house drives her nuts too. :o

No, I don't feel like everything should be super tidy. Clean is different. I do think things should be clean. And I make sure that all surfaces where someone might want to eat, put down a drink, etc. are cleared of items. But my goal is not to have every single item put away.

I do clear away about 50% of the kids toys because otherwise we end up with a HUGE mess, and the kids tend to actually play better when fewer toys are available.
:yeahthat: Except it's my own mother. Perfection - either the appearance of or the striving towards - makes me really anxious & uncomfortable.

[brittone2]

Yes, I feel like my house should be perfectly neat and clean. But I accept that it isn't, and won't be :)

I always am perfectly calm until the last minute when I'm trying to prep food, clean, etc. all at the same time. Then I start getting overwhelmed/stressed. We have a dog that sheds a lot and a cat, so even if I clean thoroughly the day before, I always, always need to vacuum all floors, furniture, etc. the day of. That drives me crazy. There's no way for me to do it ahead without having to re-do it anyway. Usually DH is good about handling that part and I handle the cooking on the day of.

eta: my parents are neat freaks (well, my dad in particular). But they know what life is like with young children and they are very accepting, thankfully, if things aren't perfectly clean and organized. My dad tries to "help" and starts impulsively cleaning, which drives me nuts ;) Through the years I've come to realize this is how he "helps" and he doesn't do it judgmentally, kwim? My ILs have clutter but I never feel pressure to have a "perfect" house when they come over...clean, but fortunately they don't expect perfection (one of their redeeming qualities ;) ). I have a few friends who are total neat/cleaning freaks, and I have anxiety when they are coming over sometimes.:o DH doesn't get it, but those friends do kind of stress me out.

[m448]

Nah, I had my little midlife breakdown several years ago ahead of schedule so I've become the opinionated, curmudgeon at the ripe old age of 33. I grew up with my mom being like that and she reminds me constantly that it's a big 'ol waste of time in hindsight.

I like my house to be neat enough for me to function and enjoy my guests but cleaning to spotless perfection BEFORE a party is crazy. It's after the party that we should be cleaning. ;) Like Beth the times that I've really enjoyed hospitality has been with those people are super comfortable in their skin and in their lived in homes. They exude hospitatlity and it's a warmth that people love. I want to exude that.

[AnnieW625]

yes, but we don't ever get the house spankin' clean. We generally shut the doors to the office and our bedroom. Our house is definitely lived in.

:yeahthat: Ours is definitely lived in but most people we know totally understand and know it's because we have a 7 mos. old, and a 4 yr. old. Honestly though it's their rooms which are the cleanest. The last time we had people over was for DD2's baptism so if they expected a super clean house thankfully no one said anything.

You have to do what you are most comfortable with.

[boolady]

Yes, I feel like my house should be perfectly neat and clean. But I accept that it isn't, and won't be :)

I always am perfectly calm until the last minute when I'm trying to prep food, clean, etc. all at the same time. Then I start getting overwhelmed/stressed. We have a dog that sheds a lot and a cat, so even if I clean thoroughly the day before, I always, always need to vacuum all floors, furniture, etc. the day of. That drives me crazy. There's no way for me to do it ahead without having to re-do it anyway. Usually DH is good about handling that part and I handle the cooking on the day of.

This is my situation, except no dog, only a cat. I have come a long way from the time I would scrub my apartment from top to bottom (literally) before guests to a realistic cleaning of the necessary places they'll be and we'll use. DH usually does the cleaning while I do the cooking, and we have learned how to stay out of each others' way pretty well at this point.

[Pear]

I do feel pressure for the house to be perfect. Since having DD my definition of perfect has changed, but I still want it at a certain standard.

I look at the pre-entertaining clean as a chance to get caught up on housework. The floor needs to be scrubbed eventually. It's nice when it's all clean at once. I'm still enjoying the after-effects of our pre-thanksgiving scrubbing. I think it's easier to maintain when we have had a deep clean.

[brittone2]

This is my situation, except no dog, only a cat. I have come a long way from the time I would scrub my apartment from top to bottom (literally) before guests to a realistic cleaning of the necessary places they'll be and we'll use. DH usually does the cleaning while I do the cooking, and we have learned how to stay out of each others' way pretty well at this point.

At the last minute, we still always end up doing a little "stash and dash" as we affectionately call it. Dump stuff in the MBR, stash a few things in the storage ottoman, carry stuff to the basement ;) We do as good of a job as we can but when we're in the final countdown, stash and dash it is :o

[WatchingThemGrow]

I feel pressure to have it clean, and like others, REALLY feel a peace when it is clean. However, in reality, the best I can do most of the time is to shovel a path to the doors to welcome others. It is what it is right now.

[hellokitty]

You know, I used to feel a lot more pressure. These days, while I still feel pressure, I realize that it's not realistic to think that everything will be perfect. I basically focus on de-cluttering and then do a light cleaning. Why? Well, b/c every time I do a deep cleaning before we host guests, they basically trash my house. So, the deep cleaning is actually AFTER they leave. We hosted bil/sil and their kids for thanksgiving week and within a couple hrs of them leaving, I found half a can of diet coke spilled all over my HW floor in my family room next to our side table. NOBODY in MY household would do that, but guests? Uh huh. My house looks comfy and lived in, and for having 3 kids, one of which is a toddler, it isn't that bad.

What really aggravates me is my mom, who has always been a poor housekeeper (my siblings and I were her child-slave house cleaners, which is why their house went to crap after all of us left home), always feels the need to criticize how clean my house looks, when HER house looks like a trash heap in comparison, AND it's just she and my dad (they are borderline hoarders), so how can she even compare my house to her house??? One time she pointed out a smudge on my HW floor, this was when DS1 and DS2 were both very young, I had to restrain myself from wringing her neck, b/c her entire house is a huge smudge!

[TwinFoxes]

Personally, I want the common areas, kitchen, and bathrooms super clean and tidy.


:yeahthat: Super clean and tidy spaces often make me uncomfortable...

No, I don't feel like everything should be super tidy. Clean is different. I do think things should be clean. And I make sure that all surfaces where someone might want to eat, put down a drink, etc. are cleared of items. But my goal is not to have every single item put away.


OK, this is funny, because you used my phrasing, and then said it's what you don't like, but the way you describe how you clean is what I call super clean and tidy! :) I guess "super clean and tidy" is in the eye of the beholder. My friends and I must be slobs, because all this talk of "model home clean" does not exist in my world (other than when I visit MIL.) The baskets of toys will be in the corner, the magazines will be on the shelf under the ottoman, along with random throws.

[egoldber]

I know plenty of people with kids who, when they entertain, there is no evidence they have children. There are no toy bins, nada. Maybe they are tucked away in a playroom downstairs, but none in the main living areas. I put down a glass and 3 seconds later it's been whicked away. I put down a diaper bag beside a sofa and it gets whisked away into a closet. Maybe it's just my neighbors, but their houses look like Real Simple or Martha Stewart and mine....not so much. My house is not dirty, but it is a little cluttered and definitely lived in!

And my MIL, oy! It irritates her that we have appliances and utensil crocks on the counter.

[momof2girls]

I admit to having crumbled under the peer pressure in my circle of friends who have impeccable houses. I then feel like my house has to be squeaky clean so as to not offend them.

I feel so much more comfortable visiting my friends whose homes are not perfectly neat and have toys in plain sight. My clean freak friends make me paranoid that I am messing up their houses when I visit.

[momof2girls]

As an aside - I love going to other peoples' houses when they aren't perfect. It makes me feel better about my own and I can relax better there. Maybe that's strange but seeing other peoples' clutter or stuff thrown in their bedroom is comforting somehow. Makes it all a more human experience.

:yeahthat:

[hellokitty]

Oh and you know what? I don't compare myself to my friends who have a housekeeper. It's not a level playing field. If I had a housekeeper, heck yeah, my house would look a lot cleaner too. I have a few friends who are OCD with cleaning (literally they vacuum every day, which to me, seems insane), and I don't compare myself to them either.