s/o: Has anyone always told the truth about the spirit of Santa?

[MoJo]

Santa was a HUGE part of my family's traditions when I was growing up. On Christmas morning, we'd find not only gifts, but Polaroid photographic evidence that Santa had been there. I believed 'til I was 12, and then loved helping carry on the tradition/spirit for my younger siblings.

But I respect the viewpoint of people who say "Don't lie to your kids, or they won't believe you on more important things."

Everyone I know IRL is either solidly in the pro-Santa or anti-Santa camp. And I'm not completely comfortable in either.

Has anyone raised their kids with positive stories of "the legend of Santa" without saying he is a real individual?

My oldest is at the age where I need to decide. DH is probably in the anti-Santa camp (because he's in the anti-holiday camp in general.) Jelly Bean seems naturally drawn to Santa, but I haven't tried to explain yet.

In addition to the philosophical debate, I'm wrestling with how to get the gifts where the kids are and probably multiple Christmas celebrations for the foreseeable future.

I'd love to hear your thoughts! TIA!

[bekahjean]

I'm right there with you on not being sure how to deal with this. DH grew up with Santa, and I didn't. He wants the kids to have gifts from Santa, take Santa pictures every year and the whole nine yards. I don't think my childhood was lacking because I didn't have Santa, so we don't know how to proceed. My parents told us, when we asked if Santa was real, that Santa was the "Christmas Clown" and that he was a fun, pretend character. They explained that some people pretend that Santa was real and not to "ruin" the fun for other kids. I don't think I ever told another kid that Santa wasn't real.

Another aspect of "presents from Santa" is that my family only gives one gift per child every year and they wanted us to be grateful to the gift giver, not to Santa. One of my good friends' parents had two children close together, and then my friend was born 8 years later. With the two older girls, the parents had gifts from Santa. They decided not to "do Santa" when my friend was young, and they said that she was always much more appreciative than her sisters.

With all that said, I don't know how we're going to approach the issue. I'm also in the middle, so I'm going to have to figure it out soon! We don't have gifts from Santa this year, but next year will be the tipping point. Our squadron had our kids Christmas party this past weekend and everyone sends in a wrapped book for their kids for Santa to give out. Will loved it and ran right up to him, not shy at all. It was super cute and rather surprising.

[vonfirmath]

We decided this year for sure we are not doing Santa. We read stories about him and let him watch the christmas programs. And we make sure to mix it up with the stories about St. Nicholas.

What we are trying to teach is that when someone writes Santa on a gift, they are channeling the spirit of St. Nicholas's anonymous gift-giving of yesteryear and it is rude to try to find out who gave you (or someone else) a gift anonymously.

So anyone who wants to be can be "Santa"

We will have stockings, and gifts. But nothing from Santa and no one looking to see who has been good or bad. Gifts are given because the giver wants to, not because the child deserves it -- just like the gifts of the One whose birthday we are celebrating

It's probably too complicated for him to get it all right now.

We DID do Santa when I was a kid -- but not in any great elaborateness. My parents never went to great efforts to try to make him "real" to us and when we confronted them with the truth, they never denied it either. And all the big gifts were ALWAYS from my parents so there was never any "fear" of losing out on gifts by refusing to believe in the big man in the red costume.

I think my husband did Santa too. But neither of us have any great love for it and we see the potential for harm so we're going to try to side step it, but in such a matter that hopefully our child will not mess up other family's choices in this matter.

[mamicka]

I guess we fit this description. We don't shield our kids at all from Santa - it's fun & it's everywhere. They know who he is (the story) & they also know where the idea came from. We talk about all of it. But there is no question about whether or not he's real - he's not. They also know that many families choose to tell their kids that he's real & it's very important to them - it's OK for them to pretend that he's real or pretend to believe.

There are a couple reasons why we've done it this way. It wasn't a big part of my family tradition so I wasn't drawn to it. I'm unorganized so I certainly don't need one more thing to make sure I've taken care of on the sly. I never was big on the no-lying reason but now that we've done it for several years I'm glad that I can honestly say to them that I've never lied to them, about anything.

There are always some people who pity my children because of this & try to tell them that if they don't believe then they won't get any presents. I prefer to tell them & show them that Christmas is about celebrating the most important gift & that we don't need to earn it - I don't feel that I can teach them that while threatening them with a Santa who checks if you've been bad or good to see if you deserve the presents. You get presents because we love you, good & bad. If that's not magic I don't know what is.

ETA: We've held-off on lots of Santa discussion this year so I think DS3 doesn't quite get that he's not real. I've decided to not bring it up a lot because we'll be with my nephews this Christmas & they do believe in Santa so I'm doing all that I possibly can to prevent spilling the beans.

[bubbaray]

I don't know if we fit what you are saying. When asked if Santa is real, we say he is magic. They seem satisfied with that for now.

But, really, *I* believe Santa is magic. The Santa myth brings out magical kindness in people that is missing the rest of the year. I mean, how often do most people buy gifts for complete strangers and feel good about it?

[jse107]

We totally do Santa here. I'm sure it's in large part because DH and I *loved* Santa when we were very young and all the magic it seemed to bring to Christmas. I should disclose that we are both agnostic/athiest so there's not a confusion about the true meaning of Christmas for us. We also do the EOAS, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.

This is one of the *few* issues that I have decided not to overthink in terms of the lasting impact that it may have on my kids. If I need to pay for future therapy, so be it.

[tarahsolazy]

We've never done Santa, either. It wasn't a part of my upbringing (I found out when I was 4, my mom says), and I don't like the less than truthful part. No judgement to others who really love it and feel its an important part of Christmas, it just feels wrong to me to perpetuate that Santa is real when I know he isn't. I also don't like the threatening kids with Santa, to achieve good behavior.

We aren't even good Christians, so its not becuase of the 'God is real, and you can't see him, either thing', although I think that's a vaild argument many fundamentalist Christians who don't do Santa use.

I'm happy to do all the fun stuff associated with Santa. DS wants to sit on Santa's lap this year, so we'll do that. We do stockings, DS wrote a letter to Santa, we treat it like a fun game. I haven't told him to not tell other kids, knowing him that would make it more likely, the kid can't keep a secret to save his life.

We've got suprisingly little flack from family about the no Santa thing, which is nice.

We also travel at Christmas every year at this point, so Christmas morning is at either a grandma's or aunt's house. Its easier to not do Santa in those settings, although I know lots of people make it work.

[SunCB]

We are in the same boat this yr. DS1 is in K this yr and they are all talking about Santa. When he got home yesterday he wanted a calendar to mark off for when Santa will come bc he wants his "lots of gifts" he has heard about.

Now, how to tell him w/out him spilling the beans at school for those parents who do let their kids believe Santa is a real person.

[Roni]

We are so pro-Santa here. Much to my surprise, my 10 yo still believes. One thing that really bugs me is kids who don't believe try to spoil it for those who do. My 7 yo dd has a friend who's family doesn't do Santa, & she tried to tell dd that Santa's not real. Grr. Luckily she didn't buy it. But, that's something to watch out for if you decide not to do the Santa thing. It may conflict with what your child's peers are being taught. Obviously, at some point dd1 will stop believing, and I expect that she will help carry on the magic for her siblings, as I did and as OP did.

BTW, Saint Nicholas really did exist. I don't think there's a truthfulness issue. Santa is part of the magic and innocence of childhood, and there is too little of that these days!

[JenaW]

I guess we fit this description. We don't shield our kids at all from Santa - it's fun & it's everywhere. They know who he is (the story) & they also know where the idea came from. We talk about all of it. But there is no question about whether or not he's real - he's not. They also know that many families choose to tell their kids that he's real & it's very important to them - it's OK for them to pretend that he's real or pretend to believe.

This is where we stand...though ours is mainly for religious reasons. I HATE the commercialism of Christmas. The focus always seems to be on "What is Santa bringing YOU?" or afterwards, "What did YOU get?" We try very hard to help our kids understand that Christmas should be more about GIVING to others, just like God gave His son to us. Jesus was the ultimate gift. We focus more on St Nicholas and how gave candy and toys to little girls and boys who did not have much. We talk about how it is Jesus' birthday, and since we can't give presents to Him specifically, He wants us to give presents to others because we all have Jesus inside of us. We point out to our kids that we have been incredibly blessed in so many ways (food, house, clothes, toys, vacations, etc) and most people do not have all of that. We just finished up our Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes a few weeks ago and actually volunteered at a relay center where people dropped off their completed boxes so our older two got to be part of that process as well. (each of the kids picked out toys for "their" box and helped pack/wrap it). We adopt a family through work and always try and get something for many of the donation boxes we see around town (i.e. pjs at the YMCA, winter coats at the Rec Center, toys at school, canned goods at Church). We always make the kids a part of this and try to get them into the giving spirit as well. We do give our kids presents to open Christmas morning, but never anything huge...usually a few small things that they have asked for throughout the year. When we are shopping, we each take one or two of the kids and ask them, "Do you think your sister would like this? Let's pick it out and wrap it just for her." to get them more into the GIVING.

My kids do know who Santa is, and that others believe that presents come from him. We have tried on a very basic level to explain this to our older two by using our same argument that different people believe different things, and that is ok. We can have our own beliefs and they are not any better than what anyone else believes. This is a hard thing for my to teach, but I mainly focus on the fact that even though everyone does not necessarily believe in God, He stills loves each and every single one of us. I try to teach tolerance, but at the same time, teach that WE too need to try and love every one we come in contact with, and pray for people who might not follow our beliefs....not because their beliefs are wrong, but because we are sad that they are missing out on God's love and graces.

I did not mean to turn this into a religious rant...but it is hard for me personally to separate Christmas from my faith, because that is what it is about for us. It isn't about making a huge list of wants and writing letters to Santa. It's about sharing Christ's love and goodness with others, in whatever way we can.



There are always some people who pity my children because of this & try to tell them that if they don't believe then they won't get any presents. I prefer to tell them & show them that Christmas is about celebrating the most important gift & that we don't need to earn it - I don't feel that I can teach them that while threatening them with a Santa who checks if you've been bad or good to see if you deserve the presents. You get presents because we love you, good & bad. If that's not magic I don't know what is.

I get so many comments from friends, do-gooders we come in contact with, even extended family members that I am "ruining" Christmas for my kids. It's also hard when people approach my kids and ask "what is Santa bringing you for Christmas." I don't want to sound righteous or obnoxious when I try to explain that we don't really place the focus on Santa and "getting". But I don't see it that way. My kids get very excited when thinking about the good they are doing, and watching others open the presents they picked out or made especially for them. Last Christmas, my oldest (who was 6 1/2 at the time) came to me and said he was sad that he could not see the kids in "Africa" (where he thought our Operation Christmas Child boxes would go) open their special gifts we had packed for them because he knew it would make them happy. Christmas is also about spending time with family and all of our special traditions. My kids LOVE putting the tree up and decorating the house, baking cookies, singing carols, participating in the Christmas play at Christmas Eve Mass, etc. And yes, they DO get excited to come down Christmas morning and open their presents. Who doesn't?

[JenaW]

We are so pro-Santa here. Much to my surprise, my 10 yo still believes. One thing that really bugs me is kids who don't believe try to spoil it for those who do. My 7 yo dd has a friend who's family doesn't do Santa, & she tried to tell dd that Santa's not real. Grr. Luckily she didn't buy it. But, that's something to watch out for if you decide not to do the Santa thing. It may conflict with what your child's peers are being taught. Obviously, at some point dd1 will stop believing, and I expect that she will help carry on the magic for her siblings, as I did and as OP did.

BTW, Saint Nicholas really did exist. I don't think there's a truthfulness issue. Santa is part of the magic and innocence of childhood, and there is too little of that these days!

I agree with this. And it is not just limited to Christmas/Santa, but Easter/the easter bunny, and other holidays. I don't ever want to one of my children to be responsible for "ruining" any magic or innocence for another child. But I also can't compromise my own beliefs either. It is a hard concept to navigate through.

[Ceepa]

Santa is a fun story, but we give gifts to one another and others in celebration of the season and based in love and kindness.

[mommylamb]

I don't know if we fit what you are saying. When asked if Santa is real, we say he is magic. They seem satisfied with that for now.


I really like that. Will be using it.

We are doing santa in our house for the first time this year for 3 year old DS. DH grew up with a santa tradition, and he wants to do it. I'm totally fine with that, though my family background is Jewish, so clearly I never believed in Santa. That said, I remember as a child being very conscious of the fact that I was not to tell other kids that santa wasn't real. My parents would have been very mad at me. As a family of non-believers now, we don't do the religious side of holidays at all, but love the family get together and gift giving. JenaW, if I were religious (or Christian for that matter), I would totally agree with your take on things.

[Naranjadia]

We do the full santa thing - but our kids are only 3.5 and aren't at the point of doubt.

I actually think learning to deal with disillusionment is an important part of growing up. I still remember when the neighbor girl told me the truth about Santa. I must have been just five. I was circling in front of her house on my bike in the dusk. It's as vivid to me as yesterday. I also remember deciding that I would continue to pretend for the sake of my little sister, while at the same time letting my parents know I knew.

I never thought of it as my parent lying to me. I do remember wishing I could return to my state of ignorance, but I still feel that way when I learn things that remove the scales from my eyes. And now that I'm an adult, and a parent, I am grateful to reflect on all the little touches that my parents, esp. my mother, did for us as kids.

[BabyBearsMom]

We will do Santa for DD in our house (she is only a baby now, but she still has a present from Santa this year). I am Jewish, but DH is Protestant and was brought up with Santa. In DH's house, most of his presents were from his parents but he always got one special gift from Santa. His family had a lot of fun with the Santa legend (setting out milk and cookies, and coming down to find a bite out of the cookie; and creating other evidence of Santa in the house). Even now that DH is an adult, his parents still do that when we are there for Christmas, it is part of their tradition and I must admit it is quite fun. When I was a kid, I remember being sad on Christmas because I had nothing to do and all my friends were busy. I think that DD is so lucky to have parents from two different backgrounds so that she can experience all of the wonderful parts of both religions and traditions. I also think that Santa is all in good fun, and isn't the same as a lie which IMO has malicious intent.

ETA: Just wanted to add that I don't think you are doing a disservice to your DCs by not doing Santa. Christmas can be perfectly enjoyable without Santa. I just personally really enjoy the "magic" of it.

[MontrealMum]

I grew up with some Santa-related traditions, but not the whole "you won't get anything if you're bad" or all the gifts coming from him. I left milk and cookies, and was sort of led to believe he was a magical person, but all my gifts came from my parents and I always knew the guy at the mall wasn't real ;) and that the phone call from "Santa" was really my grandpa. With us the emphasis was more on the religious side of things. Our creche played a big part every year, as did church services and charitible giving. I agree that santa can be fun, but I'm a little wishy washy on the whole thing.

DH, OTOH, was raised in a much less religious household but there was - and still is! - a huge emphasis on Santa only bringing things to good girls and boys. And that's something that really doesn't jibe with me. It just fits in with all the rest of the IL's screwed up priorities in general and it's important to me that DS not be raised that way.

So, we'll probably do a bit, they do talk about Santa at preschool and he sees the huge blow up things on people's lawns. But I'd like to try and keep it lighthearted.

[MommyAllison]

I guess we fit this description. We don't shield our kids at all from Santa - it's fun & it's everywhere. They know who he is (the story) & they also know where the idea came from. We talk about all of it. But there is no question about whether or not he's real - he's not. They also know that many families choose to tell their kids that he's real & it's very important to them - it's OK for them to pretend that he's real or pretend to believe.

:yeahthat: Our kids watch the old school Rudolph and Santa Claus is coming to town, but we told them from the beginning that Santa is pretend. DD loves mascots for local teams, so we likened it to a mascot - someone is dressed up in a costume - the person inside the costume is real, but they are pretending to be a character. They know that all of the gifts and their stockings are from us, and they get the same amount that they would if we did Santa gifts. Our primary reason for not doing Santa is because for our family, Christmas is about Jesus.

[elektra]

My parents always did Santa for us and I loved it. Same with DH, and his mom is very religious (my family was not). I'll have to ask his mom about her views on Santa!
One of DH's best memories of his dad as a kid was when his dad put some soot on his shoes and made footprints from the chimney to the tree and back. DH was the oldest and he must have known it was his dad but enjoyed playing along for his 5 younger siblings. (His dad is not the greatest guy IMO, but this story redeems him a bit in my mind.)
We don't emphasize the good behavior so much, but I admit that I have mentioned that Santa is watching (via our Elf on the Shelf).
But like bubbaray said, it's all part of the magic of the season for us- not the entire focus but a fun part that we like to do.
DD was already grilling me on how Santa can get down the chimney safely, which surprised me. I told her he was magic and that I myself really wasn't sure.
We do not go to super great lengths to hide stuff. If DD really wanted to snoop, as I'm sure she eventually will, she will be able to figure it out.
We are having so much fun with it now though.

[m448]

I guess we fit this description. We don't shield our kids at all from Santa - it's fun & it's everywhere. They know who he is (the story) & they also know where the idea came from. We talk about all of it. But there is no question about whether or not he's real - he's not. They also know that many families choose to tell their kids that he's real & it's very important to them - it's OK for them to pretend that he's real or pretend to believe.

There are a couple reasons why we've done it this way. It wasn't a big part of my family tradition so I wasn't drawn to it. I'm unorganized so I certainly don't need one more thing to make sure I've taken care of on the sly. I never was big on the no-lying reason but now that we've done it for several years I'm glad that I can honestly say to them that I've never lied to them, about anything.

There are always some people who pity my children because of this & try to tell them that if they don't believe then they won't get any presents. I prefer to tell them & show them that Christmas is about celebrating the most important gift & that we don't need to earn it - I don't feel that I can teach them that while threatening them with a Santa who checks if you've been bad or good to see if you deserve the presents. You get presents because we love you, good & bad. If that's not magic I don't know what is.



This. There's plenty for us to celebrate and honestly I was one of those kids who felt very fooled when I found out the truth. Already I see one of my kids with a similar personality to me who would feel the same way. But we also stress that some people choose to believe and it's what fits with their family. None of my kids go around telling people that Santa isn't real unless you're like my older front door neighbor who insisted Santa was real (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and even then my oldest didn't say anything until we came inside and he said, "can you believe Mr. R still believes in Santa!" LOL

[maiaann]

We grew up believing in Santa and are raising our kids the same way. The only complaint I have is the way my parents handled it when I asked if Santa was real. Around 4th grade, some of the other kids told me (and my believing friends) that Santa didn't exist. When I asked my folks for the truth they were never honest with me. I was left confused and bitter because I didn't know what to believe. My oldest DD is now 9 and I know it won't belong before she's faced with the "Is Santa real" predicament. I'll be honest with her while still trying to keep the spirit "magical."

[m448]

Just wanted to add that growing up the kids who "spoiled" santa for me were all from families where Santa was actually done. Apparently there's some pleasure in then knowing it's not true that makes them want to share the wealth for shock value. I've got friends who do Santa and others who don't but I honestly couldn't tell you which is which since it hasn't come up.

eta: I have told my kids about the real St. Nicholas because his faith and the motivations behind his actions is part of what the love we should be showing as Christians too. I have no problem them hearing that. FWIW, we don't do the tooth fairy and we also don't do the Easter Bunny. Really sounds depressing but our family doesn't miss it.

[MoJo]

Thanks for all of the replies!

I think part of the issue for me is that I was raised with all of the secular and none of the religious aspects of Christmas, but now I'm a Christian (so NO apologies needed, JenaW!). DH was raised with a few of the secular and none of the religious aspects, and now he's a Christian. But we aren't very good at being Christians together and definitely don't yet have a handle on how we want our faith to operate as a family.

I do know that I'm not teaching Santa tied to good behavior and that I want to emphasize giving over getting. But I loved the tradition so much as a child that I don't want to eliminate it all together. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I'm happy to do all the fun stuff associated with Santa. DS wants to sit on Santa's lap this year, so we'll do that. We do stockings, DS wrote a letter to Santa, we treat it like a fun game. I haven't told him to not tell other kids, knowing him that would make it more likely, the kid can't keep a secret to save his life.


This is exactly what we do. I do put some gifts as "from Santa", but my DH knows I wrap them and I throw them under the tree whenever. It's all in fun, not a serious thing, with a wink-wink. ;)

[elektra]

This is exactly what we do. I do put some gifts as "from Santa", but my DH knows I wrap them and I throw them under the tree whenever. It's all in fun, not a serious thing, with a wink-wink. ;)

I remember one Christmas when my brother and I were both old enough to be "in on Santa", we were maybe 10 and 14, and my parents were tired and wanted to go to bed, and so they started filling the stockings on Christmas Eve. Bro and I were all, "hey! you can't do that til we go to bed!"
We wanted to still play along. :)

[wimama]

We are Santa friendly family.

That said I have never told DS that Santa was a real person, but we do play into the whole Santa part of Christmas. If DS starts to question Santa at an early age, I think I may tell him Santa is as real as the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy are, and that he is part of the magic and spirit of the Christmas. I was about 7 years old when I questioned and stopped believing in Santa. Some friends let it slip and then I figured things out myself from there. My parents didn’t sit me down and tell me the truth until several years later. So, I figure once my DS hits around 7 or so, I will just tell him the truth if and when he asks about it. And, I will tell him about the spirit of Santa in all of us and who St. Nickolas was. I never questioned my parents about Santa, I had fun playing along, even after I stopped believing.

While we are a Santa believing family, we are trying our best to teach DS about the true reason we celebrate Christmas. This year we have been trying hard to him understand the religious significance of the holiday. We are scaling back the number of presents from Santa, reading books about the holiday and we have having discussions about the religious aspect of the holiday. DS is old enough to understand a lot more now and has been asking a lot of questions about Jesus.

[crayonblue]

I guess we fit this description. We don't shield our kids at all from Santa - it's fun & it's everywhere. They know who he is (the story) & they also know where the idea came from. We talk about all of it. But there is no question about whether or not he's real - he's not. They also know that many families choose to tell their kids that he's real & it's very important to them - it's OK for them to pretend that he's real or pretend to believe.

There are a couple reasons why we've done it this way. It wasn't a big part of my family tradition so I wasn't drawn to it. I'm unorganized so I certainly don't need one more thing to make sure I've taken care of on the sly. I never was big on the no-lying reason but now that we've done it for several years I'm glad that I can honestly say to them that I've never lied to them, about anything.

There are always some people who pity my children because of this & try to tell them that if they don't believe then they won't get any presents. I prefer to tell them & show them that Christmas is about celebrating the most important gift & that we don't need to earn it - I don't feel that I can teach them that while threatening them with a Santa who checks if you've been bad or good to see if you deserve the presents. You get presents because we love you, good & bad. If that's not magic I don't know what is.

ETA: We've held-off on lots of Santa discussion this year so I think DS3 doesn't quite get that he's not real. I've decided to not bring it up a lot because we'll be with my nephews this Christmas & they do believe in Santa so I'm doing all that I possibly can to prevent spilling the beans.

Exactly this.